AIBU to be angry at colleagues?

[HappyGoLuckyGirl]

For background, I work in an extremely male dominated industry and I am the only female on the team.

In the office we sit in 'pods' of four. On pod A, there is myself and two male colleagues. On pod B there was two male colleagues, however one has just left the company.

I have just come back from 3 days annual leave to find that the colleague who sat next to me (Colleague 1) has moved all his things onto my desk and Colleague 2 who was sat on pod B is now sat at Colleague 1's desk. My things have been moved to pod B, where Colleague 2 used to sit. So now, I am sat in the middle of the office, on a pod by myself. If I had chosen to move, it wouldn't be a problem but it feels like I have been pushed out of the rest of the team and almost 'relegated' if you will.

I asked them to move my desk back and then left to get a coffee. I came back and Colleague 1 smirked and said I should sit down at my 'new' desk. I gathered my things and came to sit in the spare office, as I felt angry and embarrassed and didn't want to lose my temper.

The head of department came into the spare office and asked me what was up. I explained what had happened and he said he was now in no-win situation. I asked why, when it was quite simple to ask everyone to move back. He then told me they had done it without his permission and he 'wasn't getting involved'.

I then said, well I am now asking you to get involved please, you're the head of department. To which he repsonded that it wasn't my decision, it was his and he wanted me to 'give it a go'. He said it would be a good thing for me and Colleague 1 to sit apart as we have been butting heads slightly lately. I said yes, but because of Colleague 1's behaviour, things like this!

I said if that was his opinion then I accept that but I didn't understand why I was the one being punished. He said I was being daft and he wanted me to give it a go but understood if I wanted to work from the spare office.

I'm extremly annoyed because he told me himself they did it without his permission and I feel that now he is attempting to make out like it is his decision because he doesn't want to reprimand Colleague 1. It is easier to make out like I am being a silly girl over a desk.

This is an open plan office, by the way. So two other departments know about it!

I feel extremely embarrased and upset about it now and I can't think straight, so need you lot to tell me if I am being silly or if I am justified in feeling that this behaviour is unprofessional and disrespectful.

I meant have you ever sat down and calmly discussed the cumulative effect with your line manager op.

Ffs spend £250 on an employment lawyer? At this stage before even looking at the internal grievance procedure? Are you serious?! I honestly wonder if you have ever actually been to work MichaelSheens. Madness.

Yes quite. This has been done as a 'hilarious' prank and you just need to buck up and see the funny side (although I'm not sure why anyone would find this funny?). However, what it's really been done as is a test of the beta males. To make sure they have to choose sides. You're kind of irrelevant to the whole exercise really - just a handy victim with a characteristic that made you an easy target for the 'othering'.

Sorry if i've missed this but have you asked Colleague 1 why he put your stuff on the other pod instead of installing lonely man from pod B in the spare space on pod A when the other colleague left?

I think you'll do better going to the source of the problem rather than escalating things to Directors etc.

Preferably when all the boys are present say "Oh colleague 1 why have you moved me onto pod B? if tony was lonely over there by himself now gary has left he could have moved to the spare section on our pod but i can't see why you or i had to move at all - why have you rearranged everybody?" and make sure you get an answer.

You need to call him out because there is absolutely no rational reason. He is going to sound pretty silly if he has to actually say "its because you're a girl..."

If it's not too late in the day:

1. Write down why this is so unkind - that they have specifically and deliberately left you out, without consultations, and laughed at you when you raised it. put this in writing, and say that repeated behavior like this would be workplace bullying, which you are sure your bosses would do anything to prevent, if only to protect themselves.

1. Decide what you want to do - could arseholes 1 & 2 sit by themselves at the second pod, with you & another two workers on the 1st pod? That would seem a fair compromise.

1. Ask that any meeting about this be documented, with you copied in on them where relevant, and/or provide your own

My sympathies - I'm afraid that often the person being bullied ends up leaving because it's just easier than having to put up with the crap. However, what someone else has said about being able to negotiate an exit (not paying back fees etc) seems worth remembering if you want to start looking around for other work. Often larger companies are better to work for as they actually bother to stick to the law about discrimination etc.

And YY to arsehole 1 just flexing his muscles to see how much crap he could get away with. It's almost entirely because you're not sitting in the 'docile little woman' box anymore.

This shit is so hard to deal with.

Moving I'm not going to email, not yet.

Even though I know HoD isn't going to have changed his stance on the matter in less than 6 hours, I want to have another chat with him to prove to senior management that I have tried to resolve this informally.

Any pointers on what to say excatly? Obviously he told me that he wanted me to give it a go this morning and if I go back him I am going to have to tell him I don't agree with his way of handling the issue and I don't want to piss him off.

OP I asked about professional bodies earlier, not HR Dumdedumdedum. There is a drive to get women into construction. Isn't your training certified by a surveyors body? Can you speak to them. They must have someone who deals with training contracts?

I think you should consider telling the director who asked what was going on exactly what has been going on in writing. Mention them you think the treatment you have been given is because you are a woman. I don't think you have anything to loose. They aren't going to treat you any better unless they are made to.

Go back and sit at pod B from tomorrow. Don't comment - don't react. Do your job and ignore the idiots.

Don't steal the office (you're not entitled and it makes you look unprofessional.)

Ex-QS here. I would be seeking advice as the training contract sounds unusual. I would also be seeking advice, as unless you raise it as an issue now I'm betting this will be the start of you being pushed out.
Interestingly construction firms are generally hesitant to be labeled sexist...

Cross post with procrastinator.

I would be very interested in what the RICS would respond with.

Procrastinator1 - my remark was not directed at you, or at anyone in particular - it's just quite a few people have been telling OP to go to HR, even after her having said there is no HR department in her company.

Gawwd, I'd be fuming if I were you. It's a really shitty situation and there doesn't seem to be a solution.

Grrrrr I'm so annoyed for you. 😡😡😡😡

What about a short factual email. Not sure if it would help but it might make you feel better and it would document what happened.

Dear X,Y and Z (inc managers)

I just wanted to let you all know that I was pissed off that someone moved my belongings from my desk (of five years?) without asking my permission and without letting me know beforehand. I didnt want to move desks and am annoyed that I wasn't consulted. I can't see any practical reason for this to have happened which makes me question how anyone could have thought it was ok thing to do
However, what's done is done and I have now decided that, in future, I would prefer to work from office X

I would consider this behaviour bullying and would act accordingly.

Massive xpost. Shots email looks good.

I just want to voice my support for you in this difficult time. I would document all actions by the parties involved (including HoD). Tomorrow I would sit at the separate pod and continue with your work. If you need to liaise with them ,then be professional and ignore any "banter". At some stage I would hope that the company would recruit someone to replace the person that left, and it may change the dynamics again. It is bullying , you are being isolated and they are trying to intimidate you. Good luck .

Do you have an HR department as this is quite juvenile on their behalf x

I think you should tell hod that you feel you are being bullied by what has happened and disappointed that he has allowed this to take place without dealing with it effectively. There was no other reason to move you without discussing first except to deliberately isolate and humiliate you in front of your colleagues which is bullying behaviour.

Be prepared to follow the meeting with shots excellent email to hod and director if nothing constructive is done.

You need to take feelings out of the equation. Refer to the behaviour as bullying, rather than saying you feel bullied. Feelings are subjective and rarely help in a male dominated environment.

What was the "it" that your HoD wanted you to "give it a go" this morning? Sitting on your own on one pod whilst the three guys sat on another pod? I would ask him why he didn't think if you'd done that it would have just encouraged this kind of juvenile behaviour? Remind him of the previous incident and ask why it's acceptable that this keeps happening to you.

I'd be tempted as well to point out this all happened in full view of other teams and you wouldn't want this team to get a reputation for bullying and unprofessional behaviour.

Another who thinks you should just move your stuff back. They've no right to make a fuss - it's just a desk afterall!

Do you think it is a good idea to go to the pod and calmy asking why he has moved everyone about, specifically me?

I was thinking of questions along the lines of:

• I was just wondering why everyone's desks have been moved about?
• Why have you taken it upon yourself to reallocate seating with no authority to do so and for no justifiable business related reason?
• Why have you made my desk on another pod, by itself?

Moving Thanks for your delightful comment.
I've accompanied several NHS colleagues to informal and formal meetings with regard to bullying, and therefore seen a variety of different outcomes. The employees who quickly assume a decisive and powerful position are those who psychologically recover the best, IME.

Vegan and HappyGoLuckyGirl, the poster who got locked in the cupboard and wet herself was a troll.

Was she? Well that's bloody irritating.