AIBU to be angry at colleagues?

[HappyGoLuckyGirl]

For background, I work in an extremely male dominated industry and I am the only female on the team.

In the office we sit in 'pods' of four. On pod A, there is myself and two male colleagues. On pod B there was two male colleagues, however one has just left the company.

I have just come back from 3 days annual leave to find that the colleague who sat next to me (Colleague 1) has moved all his things onto my desk and Colleague 2 who was sat on pod B is now sat at Colleague 1's desk. My things have been moved to pod B, where Colleague 2 used to sit. So now, I am sat in the middle of the office, on a pod by myself. If I had chosen to move, it wouldn't be a problem but it feels like I have been pushed out of the rest of the team and almost 'relegated' if you will.

I asked them to move my desk back and then left to get a coffee. I came back and Colleague 1 smirked and said I should sit down at my 'new' desk. I gathered my things and came to sit in the spare office, as I felt angry and embarrassed and didn't want to lose my temper.

The head of department came into the spare office and asked me what was up. I explained what had happened and he said he was now in no-win situation. I asked why, when it was quite simple to ask everyone to move back. He then told me they had done it without his permission and he 'wasn't getting involved'.

I then said, well I am now asking you to get involved please, you're the head of department. To which he repsonded that it wasn't my decision, it was his and he wanted me to 'give it a go'. He said it would be a good thing for me and Colleague 1 to sit apart as we have been butting heads slightly lately. I said yes, but because of Colleague 1's behaviour, things like this!

I said if that was his opinion then I accept that but I didn't understand why I was the one being punished. He said I was being daft and he wanted me to give it a go but understood if I wanted to work from the spare office.

I'm extremly annoyed because he told me himself they did it without his permission and I feel that now he is attempting to make out like it is his decision because he doesn't want to reprimand Colleague 1. It is easier to make out like I am being a silly girl over a desk.

This is an open plan office, by the way. So two other departments know about it!

I feel extremely embarrased and upset about it now and I can't think straight, so need you lot to tell me if I am being silly or if I am justified in feeling that this behaviour is unprofessional and disrespectful.

I'm screwed either way to be honest. I do want to formally raise this, as I genuinely don't think I can just leave it, but I don't think I could go back to my old desk now anyway. It would just be so awkward sitting next to him, especially if I have reported him and he is told to move by management.

He didn't tell you to leave office though did he?

Don't send Teaching's email but do have it as a conversation.

The tone can be misconstrued on email and make you look weak/feeble. In person you have more control. It also leaves you somewhere to go if you want to make it more formal later because you can email them.

OP is in a bind here - she's said on the thread that part of the way this bullying works is that anyone who is seen as a "grass" on their peers is effectively ostracized.

I think the problem may be that they will assume she has complained, even though she actually hasn't.

No, he didn't puppy but I don't know what he said to HoD.

And I don't want to rush in there and ask.

Go and choose yourself a new desk.

If the director asks you to move from the office ask him 'I'm happy to move desks but what do you suggest I do about this sexist bullying?'

See I would prefer an email Moving in order to have a record - she's already spoken to her HoD and he's been completely ineffectual. But I have a rather shite history at dealing with this sort of thing, and that was with helpful HR.

Do you think you could leave it a bit and then go in to see HoD and see what was said, or try and have another discussion. You don't sound like you're happy now in any case, couldn't be any worse to bite the bullet.

Get in there and say, actually DiC (Director in Charge), I don't think me being usurped from my designated workstation by three grown men who think it's 'bantz' is a laughing matter, can you tell me why do you?

She has gone to complain at the time of an incident. We don't know (because the op hasn't answered) if she has ever calmly raised the behaviour with her manager away from an incident.

There is a difference in perception between someone who comes in saying "X has moved my things and I want you to sort it out" "Y and Z are behaving like children and I need you to speak to them" to the person who says "boss, I need to have a word with you about something. Can we have coffee later this week?" and then approaches it calmly in neutral territory with examples and asking for advice (as per the email).

People don't always think or behave in the right way if they feel ambushed or interrupted or that staff are squabbling.

I have dealt with this sort of thing a lot and the way I am suggesting is the most effective by a long way.

If you're going to send the email, beef it up a bit - make them deny or accept your version of events (thereby acknowledging it happened!)

(Sorry Teaching, but it does read a little drippy... (following written on the fly as am currently pretending to listen on a conf call!))

Dear HoD and Company Secretary

I am hoping either/both of you will be able to advise me on how to handle a situation that has arisen with .
I require your input/senior guidance on the following situation with Bob, Tom and Jerry.

As you know, HoD, when I came in this morning after some time off I discovered A had moved my belongings from to . This was done without my agreement, and indeed without HoD's knowledge.
On my return to week on DATE, I advised HOD that my desk contents had been moved to another pod without any authorisation or prior notification. It is my understanding of company policy that we are assigned desks and these should not be changed unless instructed by HR/management.

This isolates me from the rest of the team (and it also doesn't reflect well on our department when others see the only woman sitting apart from everyone else), not to mention that I find A's actions quite disrespectful.
Therefore this unauthorised move has no logical basis or business requirement.

I am currently sitting in , but this obviously isn't a suitable long-term solution. Indeed, this was made clear to me by after a similar previous incident.
As HOD is aware, this is not the first time I have been subjected to this type of unprofessional and inappropriate office behaviour from Bob, Tom and Jerry. As the situation has not been remedied, I am currently using the desk in xyz office.

As I say, I would appreciate your advice on how to handle this. Both in terms of a seat move, and also reasserting my place within the team as this is not the first time something similar has happened. I have noticed that no other members of the team seem to fall victim to this kind of "banter" and it's getting a bit wearing, to be honest.
I would like to schedule a confidential meeting where my concerns can be discussed and a solution found. Please let me have sufficient notice in case I require an ACAS/Union/Other independent representative to attend. Please also provide details of the company grievance procedure in advance of this meeting.

Thank you for your assistance and continued support.

Document everything.
Pay £250 for a consultation with an employment lawyer who can then write to the Director explaining just how his company is risking getting shafted at an employment tribunal, and how much would they like to offer to pay to facilitate you leaving with no reputational damage to them and a great reference for you.

I didn't realise there was an empty desk still in Pod 1. So they didn't just switch you out. He could have chosen the empty desk but instead he moved your things.

That is actually even worse. I think in complaining I would try to emphasise that they didn't move you because of a lack of space - they are signalling that they don't wish to sit beside you. That is so hostile. And it's really indefensible from them. (Not that switching you out was defensible, but they could argue that Colleague 1 needed to be beside them and then there wasn't space for you, making your exclusion incidental).

I asked HoD if Director had mentioned it and he said he didn't say anything at all. I'm not sure I believe him.

I haven't spoken to HoD about it since this morning, Moving

I think I will speak to him this evening when the others have left. Myself and HoD tend to arrive and stay an hour later than other colleagues.

I don't know what I am going to say though. I'm really quite hesitant to use the word bulling / bullied but I just don't see how else I can phrase it.

I do think you should have moved your things back to the empty desk immediately, not to the office, even though I understand why you felt too upset to do that.

I'm really quite hesitant to use the word bulling / bullied but I just don't see how else I can phrase it.

That is exactly what I would say.

Great email shots. I was trying to go conversational as OP seems reluctant to raise a formal complaint. But she would certainly be within her rights.

I'd imagine you've been identified as a "bloody difficult woman" after the last office occupation, so director will have come down to nip this one in the bud. HoD is probably claiming you'll fly off the handle if he comes straight in to tell you to move back into the main office and you need to be left to cool down. I can't believe he is colluding in the bullying by coming and sitting with 'the lads' whilst you're in the office, but presumably this is designed to show you how silly you're being by not going and sitting at the pod with everyone else.

I think moving to pod B when they've gone home and sitting at the desk furthest away is the best you can do (directly with the colleagues). And then I would email to note that this is the second time in x months that you have been subjected to a 'prank' involving your stuff being moved and/or being locked in an office. That you would appreciate it if staff could be reminded that people are not reassigned desks whilst on leave and their stuff should be left alone. (Obvs HoD won't do this but it doesn't stop you from asking).

HoldMeCloser That's definitely it. If Colleague 1 had just swapped our desks so he was sitting at my desk and me at his, then I really doubt I would feel this way.

But its because they have just removed me from the pod and put my things on a pod by myself.

For a group of guys I thought I really got on with and cannot actually think of anything I have done to warrant this sort of treatment, it really stings.

Best of luck this evening, OP. Hope HoD listens and realises that he's allowing you to be bullied on his watch.

If you're going to email (and I really, really wouldn't until you've tried the informal chat at a mutually agreed time) then be factual and unemotional, get your facts straight (ACAS don't send reps for meetings), be clear (if you're making a grievance make a grievance but don't talk about the right to be accompanied for an informal meeting) and don't threaten anything you're not willing to follow through on.

Also be very, very careful if there is any possibility that your behaviour has been less than exemplary at any point. This can happen as a result of bullying but you don't want to weaken your position. It also happens where relationship dynamics change and people haven't (for various reasons) adapted.

I would also have a good hard think about what you would do if it got very serious - would you be prepared to make a formal grievance that may lead to your colleagues being disciplined? Do you want to leave? How will you maintain working relationships in the future after this?

@Happy For a group of guys I thought I really got on with and cannot actually think of anything I have done to warrant this sort of treatment, it really stings.

You have a vagina. That is enough by the sound of it.

Nothing to add, just wanted to offer a bit of moral support.

It makes me furious that capable professional women are forced to waste time and energy dealing with this kind of petty bullying and harassment.

Good luck.

I know this really goes against the grain but if you are alone with HoD could you have a little cry? I would cry, but it would be from anger/frustration at the situation.