AIBU to be angry at colleagues?

[HappyGoLuckyGirl]

For background, I work in an extremely male dominated industry and I am the only female on the team.

In the office we sit in 'pods' of four. On pod A, there is myself and two male colleagues. On pod B there was two male colleagues, however one has just left the company.

I have just come back from 3 days annual leave to find that the colleague who sat next to me (Colleague 1) has moved all his things onto my desk and Colleague 2 who was sat on pod B is now sat at Colleague 1's desk. My things have been moved to pod B, where Colleague 2 used to sit. So now, I am sat in the middle of the office, on a pod by myself. If I had chosen to move, it wouldn't be a problem but it feels like I have been pushed out of the rest of the team and almost 'relegated' if you will.

I asked them to move my desk back and then left to get a coffee. I came back and Colleague 1 smirked and said I should sit down at my 'new' desk. I gathered my things and came to sit in the spare office, as I felt angry and embarrassed and didn't want to lose my temper.

The head of department came into the spare office and asked me what was up. I explained what had happened and he said he was now in no-win situation. I asked why, when it was quite simple to ask everyone to move back. He then told me they had done it without his permission and he 'wasn't getting involved'.

I then said, well I am now asking you to get involved please, you're the head of department. To which he repsonded that it wasn't my decision, it was his and he wanted me to 'give it a go'. He said it would be a good thing for me and Colleague 1 to sit apart as we have been butting heads slightly lately. I said yes, but because of Colleague 1's behaviour, things like this!

I said if that was his opinion then I accept that but I didn't understand why I was the one being punished. He said I was being daft and he wanted me to give it a go but understood if I wanted to work from the spare office.

I'm extremly annoyed because he told me himself they did it without his permission and I feel that now he is attempting to make out like it is his decision because he doesn't want to reprimand Colleague 1. It is easier to make out like I am being a silly girl over a desk.

This is an open plan office, by the way. So two other departments know about it!

I feel extremely embarrased and upset about it now and I can't think straight, so need you lot to tell me if I am being silly or if I am justified in feeling that this behaviour is unprofessional and disrespectful.

I personally wouldn't OP, I think your idea of chatting to HoD when everyone is gone is a better one. The time for asking your colleague was this morning, and if you go out now they'll know you've been stewing on it all day. You also run the risk of looking like you're overreacting in the middle of an open plan office, with little control over the conversation as he could say anything.

Your manager should be supporting you, and I think that's a better place to start, especially as this isn't an isolated incident.

If you do decide to go out and ask him, stay very calm, keep your voice low etc - as much as you can to avoid the "hysterical female" badge. The things we have to do!

Yep, I'd definitely politely ask them. Keep it simple though.

"so, why did you move the desks around? "

Be prepared for comments like 'stop being so sensitive' and 'it's not a big deal'

OP "Do you think it is a good idea to go to the pod and calmy asking why he has moved everyone about, specifically me?"

only if you can really do the innocent face thing and def don't phrase it like you have in the rest of your post.

so if you can do "did something happen, why have you moved all the desks, I really hope I didn't upset anyone" and look like butter wouldn't melt, it would be interesting. But you will need to be very convincing. Then you can go forward and say you checked you hadn't inadvertently upset anyone etc.

I'd still go the formal route myself. Sounds like something's up. If something's up, you might get paid to move on quietly?

Teaching makes a good point though

Sorry, it's not "just a desk". They've been mean and you feel crappy and embarrassed. Work in the spare office for now and go to HR before it turns into more serious bullying.

Hadn't thought of it like that Teaching , thanks.

And I doubt my ability to do the innocent questioning thing, without getting angry. He could well try and get me to bite, as per usual.

Thinking about this and speaking to you guys has actually made me realise how insidious it's been. He will regularly say quite inflammatory things to get me to react and then have a big laugh and joke about how it's so easy to wind me up, I need to chill out etc.

And then I'm told by HoD I need to change my personality to not bite as much as I do. Erm, how about you tell your staff not to deliberately wind me up!

I agree with Teaching I don't think its a good idea to pursue a conversation about this further. There's been advice on this thread which I don't think its helpful (such as retaliating) which could backfire and make you look like the party at fault.
Your manager will want to minimise any issues because it makes his life easier (even if you had a HR team their job is the same, and they won't sort this out for you and are more likely to try and manage you out of the business if they think you are problematic - rightly or wrongly).
I would return to Pod B as others have suggested and remain professional despite the circumstances. Keep a log of this and any future issues.
Do you have 121's with your manager? I think that would be the route I would pursue to discuss this, where you can hopefully talk about the teams treatment towards you without it being knee jerk or emotive. You can hopefully use the examples you had to back up what you are saying. But also what do you want to happen? Do you really want to sit back with these men? Always best to come with the solution you want to get the decision you want or at least an outcome you are happy with.
Good luck because this is not easy and I am not suggesting you accept bad treatment at work but sometimes you are in a rock and a hard place and the key is to not let yourself be dragged down and jeopardise your reputation.

This is why I think you should email your HoD and copy the company secretary - you can keep it as an informal question rather than a formal complaint but it's important that it is known that a) this is going on, that it's insidious and you're not overreacting and b) that your HoD is aware and is doing nothing about it. But you know the people involved and a chat with HoD may well be a better place to start.

It just means that once you've done that, you can't then send an email "looking for advice" as you've already done that in person. But you may well prefer to discuss in person and that's fine. Just stay calm and make it clear that this is not a one off incident.

I wouldn't go and ask him. That might have been a good response at the time, i.e. you arrive, see the desks have been re-arranged, and ask 'why have the desks been rearranged?' to see what he would say, but now it will just give him the chance to go on the attack again 'why are you asking now, have you finished sulking?' etc etc.

Certainly don't ask him why he assumed the authority to make that decision based on no valid business reason. It's just asking for a response about 'who died and made you queen, it's not up to you to decide what's a valid business reason' - and now you're in a spat with a co-worker.

Your HoD just wants this problem to go away. He knows it shouldn't have been done without his permission but doesn't have the bollocks to tell them outright to change it back.

Could you go in and look as though you've just come back to fetch something important from your old desk - because you're in the middle of a very important thing in the private office obvs - and casually ask why on earth they've moved it all about, is it for a specific project? See what they say and then depending on answer head to see the boss.

Re: the inflammatory things he's been saying, when he looks at you waiting for the reaction, I would look up at him quite impassively and then write down what he said word-for-word. Don't say anything, don't react.

Sitting at Pod B will make it harder for him to do that - although I wouldn't put it past him to come over and say stuff to you knowing you've no witnesses.

Happy, I'm sorry I have no great advice to give but I wanted you to know I'm livid on your behalf. The fact that it's a bunch of guys just makes it worse. I don't think there is much point in asking your colleague why he moved you because it's obvious. He has chosen the people he would prefer to sit beside and isolated the one he least wants to. He's never going to admit to that in a million years he's just going to deflect with "why you crying over a seat comments" and that'll get you nowhere. I'd soak this one up and bide my time arseholes like this trip themselves up eventually just you make sure you've got a front row ticket when he does. Did I mention how livid I am😡

The thing is, I do want them to be reprimanded. I just can't accept this lying down and not say anything!

He was winding me up before I went on holiday saying he would move my things etc. and I explicity told him not to touch my things or move my desk! I told him I wouldn't find it funny and it wasn't banter, it was rude and inappropriate. I thought he was just trying to bait me, as per usual. Then he bloody well did it anyway and on top of that, moved me out of the pod completely.

So now I feel that I have to assert myself. It's like he is trying to force me into submission towards him. Which I just can't let happen. I just can't accept it like it's okay and he can do what he wants as he is the big-I-am.

I am loathe to get him in trouble but I don't see any other way forward. I need to put my big girl pants on and just report him, don't I?

I'm never this indicisive!

OP if you think they've been trying to get a rise out of you for a while, then I think you need to play oblivious.

But it does sound a horrible working environment so I could see the sense in going for grievance and possible pay off etc.

Good luck whatever you decide.

I can't believe this was discussed before you were off and he still did it! That would make me want to go ape and very very formal. That might not be the most mature reaction. But you definitely need to do something.

I feel like he's just pissed all over his territory.

I think that the conversation you had before your holiday also needs to be pointed out to HoD

Yes, definitely. The conversation before you went away is crucial. It means he was in no doubt as to your views and carried on anyway.

Ah right, so now he will say: "Aww come on, surely you realised it was all a joke? Can't believe you fell for it etc etc."

I'm sorry but from what you've said i just don't see you getting the proper backing from your company if you do ask for them to be reprimanded. If anything I think it'll go against you. ( I do know how wrong this is by the way and don't think it should be this way but it is) get out when you times up and find a more forward thinking company. You'd maybe get further if you just say to him firmly before he goes to get your original desk cleared so you can put your stuff back for tomorrow and to not touch your property again.

I wouldn't take it up with the other team members- it sounds like they are trying to wind you up to prove a point that you are easily angered. They are absolutely bullying you because you are a woman- but you need to get the professional high ground, not get upset at them.

Your suggestion of staying behind to speak to the manager after everyone else has left is probably a good next step. I think I would be inclined to say that you deliberately avoided making a scene in front of the team, and you wanted to give him the opportunity to resolve the issue as he is your line manager. However, what happened to you is an example of workplace bullying which occurred because you are a woman, and it therefore constitutes discriminatory treatment due to your sex. You have so far not put anything in writing as you would like the issue to be resolved amicably, but given that you have already been bullied in a similar way you will be seeking further advice about next steps.

I would also be asking about where the responsibility lies when colleagues take it upon themselves to move others' work document and equipment- if anything is missing or broken (and you are in the process of checking) , is manager prepared to take responsibility, or is he willing to let colleague carry the can ?

Don't get involved with the petty revenge or game playing suggested above, tempting as it is- you need to prove your professionalism. (And TBH, avoiding swearing in the office isn't really something that adults in a professional environment should struggle with).

Okay, they have all left. Just me and HoD left now.

Any pointers on what to say?

The way I see it you have the following options.

1. Get in early the next morning, move your stuff back in and if they do something about it make a formal written bullying complaint.
2. Accept the new office under official written and signed protest. You dont agree the way things are done. You accept the new office but under the conditions that you won't be moved again.
3. Make a formal complaint anyway because you want your workspace back and this isnt the way it should have happened. Cc boss of the boss.

4 be a coward, say nothing, put nothing in writing and wait till they do worse.

Personally I'd choose option 2 or 3 but then I refuse to listen to bullies. I'd risk the boss his anger because he is a wuss and not helping you. He probably gets paid more for being a manager and that means he should have the guts to manage the team.

Stay calm, state facts and do not discuss feelings or emotions.

Be very clear about what you want and why you expect HoD to deliver.

Just describe what happened to your things when you were holiday. State that you'd explicitly asked your colleagues not to do this before you went away, and that you'd like your regular desk back, and expect your manager to support you with this.