AIBU to be angry at colleagues?

[HappyGoLuckyGirl]

For background, I work in an extremely male dominated industry and I am the only female on the team.

In the office we sit in 'pods' of four. On pod A, there is myself and two male colleagues. On pod B there was two male colleagues, however one has just left the company.

I have just come back from 3 days annual leave to find that the colleague who sat next to me (Colleague 1) has moved all his things onto my desk and Colleague 2 who was sat on pod B is now sat at Colleague 1's desk. My things have been moved to pod B, where Colleague 2 used to sit. So now, I am sat in the middle of the office, on a pod by myself. If I had chosen to move, it wouldn't be a problem but it feels like I have been pushed out of the rest of the team and almost 'relegated' if you will.

I asked them to move my desk back and then left to get a coffee. I came back and Colleague 1 smirked and said I should sit down at my 'new' desk. I gathered my things and came to sit in the spare office, as I felt angry and embarrassed and didn't want to lose my temper.

The head of department came into the spare office and asked me what was up. I explained what had happened and he said he was now in no-win situation. I asked why, when it was quite simple to ask everyone to move back. He then told me they had done it without his permission and he 'wasn't getting involved'.

I then said, well I am now asking you to get involved please, you're the head of department. To which he repsonded that it wasn't my decision, it was his and he wanted me to 'give it a go'. He said it would be a good thing for me and Colleague 1 to sit apart as we have been butting heads slightly lately. I said yes, but because of Colleague 1's behaviour, things like this!

I said if that was his opinion then I accept that but I didn't understand why I was the one being punished. He said I was being daft and he wanted me to give it a go but understood if I wanted to work from the spare office.

I'm extremly annoyed because he told me himself they did it without his permission and I feel that now he is attempting to make out like it is his decision because he doesn't want to reprimand Colleague 1. It is easier to make out like I am being a silly girl over a desk.

This is an open plan office, by the way. So two other departments know about it!

I feel extremely embarrased and upset about it now and I can't think straight, so need you lot to tell me if I am being silly or if I am justified in feeling that this behaviour is unprofessional and disrespectful.

Colleague 1 is a grade-A bollocks and I really, really hope he gets treated like the spoilt, bullying toddler he is emulating. Chin up OP and hope you get this resolved.

It's so shocking that this sort of thing is still going on. Power to you Happy. It's thanks to brave women like you that most of us don't need to fight this sort of battle these days.

There is no doubt at all that Colleague 1 is bullying and his behaviour is discriminatory. There is no doubt that by failing to snap him it in the bud and act decisively your HoD is condoning this. According to ACAS bullying includes:

excluding or victimising (tick)
spreading malicious rumours (tick)
unfair treatment (tick)
unwelcome sexual advances (tick)
along with many other delights.

The problem you have is that up until now Colleague 1 has been the alpha male King of Banter that all the other guys want to be mates with and the bosses want on their side, and as his behaviour has never been called into question it has become the norm in your workplace. It's probable that it didn't cross any of their little minds until you put your foot down, that any of his fuck-witted nastiness could be seen as anything other than hilarious japes. Now you have spelled it out to them they know deep down that you are right and they are terrified and hopefully ashamed but would like to cover it up by making you look like the hysterical one.

The other problem you have is that presumably you want to stay working there until you have finished your degree and up until now you have generally liked your job and the team and so don't want to make everything so confrontational that working relations cant be restored.

So, my suggestion is make allegiances with the rest of the gang. Get them on your side and stop Colleague 1's little game. It sounds to me like they want to be on your side but are frightened of getting ostracised by the alpha bully. As they are not getting strong direction from HoD Colleague1 is the one they are hiding behind.

Tomorrow when colleague 1 is out can you talk to everyone else in an open, friendly, professional way? Explain that 1. You were really hurt and upset that he seemed to be ostracising you openly and that you thought you all got on well. (There's nothing wrong with admitting it upset you and it might make them realise you are a friend not a opponent). 2. You want to sort it out in a sensible way. You like them all and want to work with them so want their ideas on how to get it sorted on Monday when Colleague1 is back in. (You can discuss your sensible solution of 2 colleagues per pod). Appeal to them. Make it clear you like them and want to work with them and they'll be less likely to stab you in the back when cuntchops is back.

1. And if needs be, point out that it feels like bullying. As you're the only woman it feels like discrimination. Bullying is not defined by what someone does to you but how you feel about it.

Get a plan sorted with the gang that they agree with and move desks around as you agree together. Then Cuntchops is back in on Monday you talk again privately. Explain again that you were hurt, it felt like bullying and that you want to be good professional colleagues with him.

Very good luck.

Have just finished reading the thread and you have had tons of good advice on here. I do hope this gets solved to your satisfaction. We sit in pods at work and are moved around a lot. I don't care because at the end of the day I am at work to do a job

However, we are moved by management (for reasons that are not apparent to me) and not by a colleague who just decides he likes the look of another desk. I doubt very much that the allegations he says have been made are true as surely one HOD would speak to the other HOD who would then bring it up with you.

As you appear to have an ineffective HOD it would appear that you're only option is to tell him that although you would rather not the matter will have to be taken further as it can't be resolved at his level. He might then get hauled over the coals for not nipping this in the bud (telling bollock brain he can't move to your desk without your knowledge, simple really).

As others have suggested would it be possible to move to another team as this incident by bollock brain will surely have affected your team morale as you would always be on your guard working with them.

I think under the circumstances I would be happier" working on my own away from all the shit but I would be bothered that it would look like I had deferred to him which I wouldn't want.

I'm really sorry you have been put in this position by a childish moron, I hope you get it sorted to your satisfaction so that you can just go to work to do your job and get your degree.

On the face of it it's only a desk but underneath it is about OP being expected to sit where C1 tells her to sit, accept disciplining from C1, be isolated by C1. All this despite C1 not being her line manager.

Most workplace bullying is about trivial things on the face of it but underneath they are about dominating a person through fear.

Good post Haff you'd written it whilst I was typing, excellent idea for getting it resolved tomorrow.

I suspect this is all academic as when OP gets to work tomorrow, everyone will probably have been moved around and that will be the end of it.

The trouble is locking horns with a more senior Manager in this case the HoD who is weak and ineffectual is that it has already proved impossible to resolve. Its pointless trying to reason with him.

The idea of trying to build bridges with the other colleagues is much more appealing and empowering and it shows the OP as wanting to move things forward rather than the C1 who has put the whole situation into a toxic stalemate that has become far too time consuming to untangle now. I really hope the OP finds a workable solution.

Wait.

You are paid about £6k less because the company is paying for your university fees?

How on earth does the company think you'd be obligated to pay that back if you left your position? You're already paid it back by way of a salary cut it appears.

Document, document, document.

University fees are usually 9k though. Plus OP is being given time off work to attend so is effectively only working part time.

As much as I think they would get what they deserve if you escalate this, I think daisy speaks a lot of sense here. I´d give her posts some extra consideration.

I have no idea what will face me tomorrow unfortunately. They have all had a day in the office without me to discuss / come up with a game plan.

Part time uni fees are 6k a year. And yes, they do pay me to attend 1 day a week, but I wouldn't say I work part time as I am still expected to answer emails and take phone calls as necessary during this day. I also work weekends/evenings as necessary.

I'm going to go in with an open mind tomorrow and see what is said. If my HoD asks me again what I want to happen then I will say I expect an apology from C1, assurances it won't happen again and I would like C1 and C2 to move to pod 2 and me and C3 stay on the pod we have always been on.

My attempts at an amicable solution that left C1 in my desk were rejected by him, so I am not prepared to make this offer again.

He now needs to be properly reprimanded and if we need to be separated then he should be one to move, not me and C3 who have done absolutely nothing wrong.

I Will make it clear that it's this or going down the formal grievance route which will likely end up with the same result anyway.

The tourble with cases like this is that even though on the surface they appear to be resolved, the underlying cause is never addressed.

I was in a similarish position once years ago where someone would play "jokes" on people that bordered on bullying, being a victim of one of these "jokes" was what convinced me to leave. I kept in touch with a few colleagues and although it stopped after I and another colleague left, us both making it quite clear why we were going, it was done because "some people dont have a sense of humour". The insidious bullying and nastiness wasnt addressed and the atmosphere remained to be poor.

In this case it will probably be a case of "dont upset the fucking feminists....." rolling of eyes and talking behind her back from C1, HOD et al. It doesnt address C1's shitty attitude or HoD uselessness. But by pushing it after it appears to be sorted makes the OP look like a trouble maker and gets her card marked.

She shouldnt have to play games so that C1 ties himself in knots, but sadly I think that she will have to as Daisy suggest, play nice in order to highlight his shitty behaviour. This is why and HR department, either inhouse or outsourced, should be a legal requirement of every company.

I hope tomorrow is better for you, OP

OP do you know that C3 is happy to move away from the others and sit with you?

Good for you Happy. That's what I'd be expecting as well. If HoD has done nothing tomorrow then I'd personally be tempted to move back to my original desk. Arsehole1 is in the office now anyway. Wanker.

Just read through everything and I'm so angry on your behalf. What an arrogant wanker - moving your stuff!
Good luck tomorrow

All the best for tomorrow Happy, hold your head high, you are the wronged one and the adult in all of this. Be thinking of you.

OP, I know you haven't got headspace for this at the minute and hope you get sorted.
When you do, get a good look at your contract with regard to salary deductions for your uni fees.

Good luck for tomorrow

Good luck today!

Good luck op

Threefish is right - it's not critical right now, but of your salary is £6K lower to account for the Uni fees then you shouldn't be obliged to pay anything back to them at all if you leave, because you've actually funded your own degree - albeit with your employer acting as an interest free loan facility paying the fee upfront for the year and then reclaiming it from you over 12 monthly pay dates.

Just read most, but not all of this. Absolutely infuriating. I hope that you are listened to.
It does rather smack of them expecting the little lady to shut up and do as she's told. If you'd done what colleague 1did and he'd complained, I'm guessing the outcome would've been very different.
Good luck.

Okay, got here this morning...AND NOTHING HAS CHANGED.

I wasn't here yesterday so it would have been the perfect time for HoD to implement the solution I suggested and he agreed on. But he has chosen not to.

And thanks to the posters who have suggested there is something not right with my fee training contract. I will definitely be looking into that should this go tits up.