AIBU to be angry at colleagues?

[HappyGoLuckyGirl]

For background, I work in an extremely male dominated industry and I am the only female on the team.

In the office we sit in 'pods' of four. On pod A, there is myself and two male colleagues. On pod B there was two male colleagues, however one has just left the company.

I have just come back from 3 days annual leave to find that the colleague who sat next to me (Colleague 1) has moved all his things onto my desk and Colleague 2 who was sat on pod B is now sat at Colleague 1's desk. My things have been moved to pod B, where Colleague 2 used to sit. So now, I am sat in the middle of the office, on a pod by myself. If I had chosen to move, it wouldn't be a problem but it feels like I have been pushed out of the rest of the team and almost 'relegated' if you will.

I asked them to move my desk back and then left to get a coffee. I came back and Colleague 1 smirked and said I should sit down at my 'new' desk. I gathered my things and came to sit in the spare office, as I felt angry and embarrassed and didn't want to lose my temper.

The head of department came into the spare office and asked me what was up. I explained what had happened and he said he was now in no-win situation. I asked why, when it was quite simple to ask everyone to move back. He then told me they had done it without his permission and he 'wasn't getting involved'.

I then said, well I am now asking you to get involved please, you're the head of department. To which he repsonded that it wasn't my decision, it was his and he wanted me to 'give it a go'. He said it would be a good thing for me and Colleague 1 to sit apart as we have been butting heads slightly lately. I said yes, but because of Colleague 1's behaviour, things like this!

I said if that was his opinion then I accept that but I didn't understand why I was the one being punished. He said I was being daft and he wanted me to give it a go but understood if I wanted to work from the spare office.

I'm extremly annoyed because he told me himself they did it without his permission and I feel that now he is attempting to make out like it is his decision because he doesn't want to reprimand Colleague 1. It is easier to make out like I am being a silly girl over a desk.

This is an open plan office, by the way. So two other departments know about it!

I feel extremely embarrased and upset about it now and I can't think straight, so need you lot to tell me if I am being silly or if I am justified in feeling that this behaviour is unprofessional and disrespectful.

Yes, you are probably entitled to advice and support as a student. Might be worth checking out what is available on uni website.

I have written out my notes from the past few days and I've just had a rather pointless conversation with ACAS.

He was lovely but he just said told me all the things I can do. Put it in writing, write a formal grievance, email the colleague in question and tell them to stop their behaviour

He said he isnt an employment lawyers so is unable to define the behaviour as bullying/discrimination etc. and also wasn't allowed to tell me what to do.

So basically MN should set up their own employment issues hotline as you lovely vipers have already given me all that advice.

I'm not in the office today and Colleague 1 is allegedly on hol on Friday so at least things shouldn't be so tense in the office. Still have no clue what to do.

If C1 is t in on Friday, suggest to HoD that the desks just get moved back to how they were with no fuss and then carry on as if nothing has happened. HoD can field C1's ire on his return. Simple!

*isn't in

What outcome do you want OP? What desk arrangement would you be happy with? I agree, just do whatever it is on Friday and be done with the whole thing. If C1 kicks off on Monday leave it for the HoD to sort out.

TBH talking to ACAS isn't really about what they tell you but that you can say to HoD that you have talked to ACAS.

When I did this my line manager very quickly changed his tune from telling me to just suck up a 2 hour each way commute to a redundancy situation. It wasn't how I had wanted to end my career with that company but it was far better than having my nerve broken by his constant low level bullying.

Sometimes it is about getting the least worst outcome.

Have you spoken to the others on the desk at all OP?

Are they keeping out of it or backing C1 more? I know you said C3 came and spoke to you but just wondered how your other colleagues actually feel about it all and if they have said anything?

Would one of them be happy to move over to the other desk with either you or C1?

Would you not consider moving to the desk and having all 4 of you on there if C1 apologised because maybe that's a compromise you could suggest, C1 says sorry (and means it) and moves to spare seat on the same desk? Then nobody is left out and you get your seat back?

Perfect timing then.

If Colleague 1 (who started all of this off by being a dick and moving you out of your desk) isn't around on Friday, get on to your Manager or HoD (whichever of them is around) and say that this is the perfect opportunity to set things back to the way they were before you went on your leave by having you and A.N other colleague at Pod 1 and Colleague 1 and A.N. Other colleague at Pod 2.
Job sorted. Every thing is alright again.

OP When you look back on this later in your career you will see that in the grand scheme of things this is such a trivial matter. Yes you could enact a Grievance with all the effort and stress it will entail. Alternatively you can put it down to experience.

Its like when your kid brother teases you and you get mad. You want to get back at him so you can be the winner All it does is give him oxygen to keep that rage burning. Go away, ignore him and guess what- he gets bored and gives up.

Do yourself a Cost Benefit analysis. What do you stand to gain from the amount of headspace this has cost - just for a desk.

Also think about whether your behaviour in the past was always exemplary. That's only for you to decide not any of us strangers to judge Self reflection is useful.

All these things are great learning experiences. Meanwhile, your employers have a business to run and productivity targets to meet so if you think they give a flying 4X where you all sit then think again. It's off their radar believe me.

Oh, and by the way, as they are funding your education, they are expecting you to be the' bigger person' not those overgrown schoolboys you work with.

He is lying and management reading your emails is a golden opportunity !

Document everything he's said, every lie in an email to Cock1 and HOD. request politely that HOD verify the complaints.

Then say that this is the first you have heard of it so could not change your behaviour previously but Now you can work with HOD to address the issues.

Then say you'll be expecting your desk back on Monday morning.

With all due respect, Gnome do you really think Redundancy is in the same ballpark as desks? I expect your employers saw your circumstance as high stakes. A different context here. Saying Ive gone to ACAS risks being labelled as dillusional and petulant. Probably best not mentioned even if it was a useful call to make.

It's not just about a desk. How obtuse can you get,

If you actually think this is about a desk, you either haven't read it or you need to try much harder

Obviously the opportunity to show to senior management that Cock1 is a lying toad. As HOD won't share that. You don't need to go nuclear as management will read it anyway. And you look like a saint.

It won't change the fact they are a bunch of cocks but it should get back to the status quo plus you hav shown you are not fucking about.

Also now you know not to trust your colleagues. I think most women in male dominated industries have to do the same. If threatened the menz don't play nice.

Network network network. Stop giving the cocoa any head space and everything you think about them redirect your ire to your career ! Fuck ththe company, screw them for everything you can.

This was about a desk to start with. Now it is about a peer deciding he can act as the OP's boss and take disciplinary action against her (by moving her work space) and paint a picture of her as a noisy and disruptive influence in the work place (with absolutely no evidence to back up his description) to try and justify his behavior.

this is truly appalling.... sending hugs

If the OP wants to spend her time chasing sonething that in the grand scheme of her career is non-value add then she's free to do so. I think you're giving her advice that may help her win the battle not the war. That isnt me being obtuse.

But I accept it's only my opinion and I can say hand on heart it is advice I would take in that situation.

Her career her choice.

I also think you need to look at your pay and uni fees when you have stopped spinning.

How can they be both underpaying your salary by the cost of the fees and expect you to pay them back if you leave early.

Something doesn't seem right there.

I totally agree with daisychain01. This is a relatively minor event and all the talk about escalation and lawyers is seriously over the top. I agree it isn't just about a desk but that is how it will look to almost everyone in the company and any employment tribunal unless OP has evidence of other events that where she was bullied. OP has stood her ground and made it clear she won't be walked on but if she does anything further she will make herself look overdramatic and unprofessional.

Loads of great advice here and truly sorryypu are going through this. Am on phone between meetings so apologies if another poster has pointed this out I've been focussing on most recent op updates...

.. the colleague who saw you in your car is female and you say she is also seen as loud and hobby I think. That to me screams a real problem with sexism in the workplace. Similar men will be seen as no nonsense and go getters, straight talkers etc but in women they see the same characteristics very differently and negatively.

You need to address the immediate issues for your own benefit while you complete your studies but longer term it may sadly be that nothing will fundamentally change where you are and you need to start looking at your long term exit plan and get networking etc.

May be worth asking the other colleague if she would support you in the grievance process etc. Sometimes if one person has been fored above the parapet others may come and join you.

If the OP wants to spend her time chasing sonething that in the grand scheme of her career is non-value add then she's free to do so

She's chasing equal treatment and the ability to stand up for herself when she's being lied about and marginalised.
If you think that has no value then I feel sorry for you, and more so, for anyone who has the misfortune to be managed by you.

I would go into the HOD tomorrow and say 'look, this is consuming far too much time and energy. It has impacted on my productivity this week and has occupied your valuable management time 😉, yet we are no further on. The company pays us to do our jobs; I can't do mine if I am being isolated and accused retrospectively of being disruptive, and you can't do your job of managing our productivity if you are sitting here spending time worrying anxiously about who sits where. We are too well paid to waste company time and it reflects badly on the whole team. So let's not have this drag into next week. Decide a course of action today that reincorporates me into the team so that we start Monday with a clean sheet.'

Ok ok, I read the thread I had no time to read everything earlier and absolutely hate bullying, I wanted to be under no illusion that this is bullying - sorry sorry! Anyway OP seems very clued up, so maybe she just needed that initial reassurance. Sounds like you're on the right track, I thought all businesses had to have a HR, but at the point your HR equivalent is shit and useless, you're right to fast track to ACAS. Let those bastards get the justice they deserve, all of them.

Have had this before and it does feel like you're being pushed out of the team.
But I did enjoy sitting on my own in the end. The peace and quiet was bliss and I was able to get some much more work done than the others.
My advice would be to enjoy it while it lasts.

Very late to this thread and very sorry op for the issues you are having, I did have one suggestion.

Can you consider the impact to the team's work, productivity, communication etc of the various seating combinations. There may be none. But I felt if you considered that then you can raise examples at future meetings. It shows that you are professional and have the company's interests in mind.

I think you suggesting that you move to another seat, as part of the combined team, does show that you are willing to do what is needed by management to achieve your targets. Being moved unilaterally by another team member of your grade is not the same thing at all.

Hope the next few days go well.