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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be angry at colleagues?

930 replies

HappyGoLuckyGirl · 20/03/2017 10:38

For background, I work in an extremely male dominated industry and I am the only female on the team.

In the office we sit in 'pods' of four. On pod A, there is myself and two male colleagues. On pod B there was two male colleagues, however one has just left the company.

I have just come back from 3 days annual leave to find that the colleague who sat next to me (Colleague 1) has moved all his things onto my desk and Colleague 2 who was sat on pod B is now sat at Colleague 1's desk. My things have been moved to pod B, where Colleague 2 used to sit. So now, I am sat in the middle of the office, on a pod by myself. If I had chosen to move, it wouldn't be a problem but it feels like I have been pushed out of the rest of the team and almost 'relegated' if you will.

I asked them to move my desk back and then left to get a coffee. I came back and Colleague 1 smirked and said I should sit down at my 'new' desk. I gathered my things and came to sit in the spare office, as I felt angry and embarrassed and didn't want to lose my temper.

The head of department came into the spare office and asked me what was up. I explained what had happened and he said he was now in no-win situation. I asked why, when it was quite simple to ask everyone to move back. He then told me they had done it without his permission and he 'wasn't getting involved'.

I then said, well I am now asking you to get involved please, you're the head of department. To which he repsonded that it wasn't my decision, it was his and he wanted me to 'give it a go'. He said it would be a good thing for me and Colleague 1 to sit apart as we have been butting heads slightly lately. I said yes, but because of Colleague 1's behaviour, things like this!

I said if that was his opinion then I accept that but I didn't understand why I was the one being punished. He said I was being daft and he wanted me to give it a go but understood if I wanted to work from the spare office.

I'm extremly annoyed because he told me himself they did it without his permission and I feel that now he is attempting to make out like it is his decision because he doesn't want to reprimand Colleague 1. It is easier to make out like I am being a silly girl over a desk.

This is an open plan office, by the way. So two other departments know about it!

I feel extremely embarrased and upset about it now and I can't think straight, so need you lot to tell me if I am being silly or if I am justified in feeling that this behaviour is unprofessional and disrespectful.

OP posts:
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yorkshirepuddingandroastbeef · 23/03/2017 09:40

Certainly the people who do things like this don't care. If the shoe were on the other foot then they would throw their toys out of the pram and get their own way.

Behaviour in offices baffle me in the sense that people are so horrid yet so often get away with it. Other people like me who are sensitive to other people's feelings often get it in the neck for minor things.

I asked DH what he thought and he just said suck it up/get over it. It's only a desk. I am bloody annoyed for you though! Confused

unhappywskid · 23/03/2017 09:58

It's the law of the jungle. Reptilian behavior. Would you expect a reptile to be sorry for you? And usually the victims end up being seen as weak, oversensitive, needy, and they fire them, to avoid further trouble.

glueandstick · 23/03/2017 10:14

My truthful honest opinion is to ignore it, put up, shut up, head down and carry on until it becomes feasible to leave.

As they apparently don't care, escalating it is going to make it worse and may cost you everything.

It isn't right and it isn't fair, but sometimes you aren't the right person at the right time to take it on.

Procrastinator1 · 23/03/2017 10:26

Don't try ad go off with stress, OP.

This is appears not to just be a squabble overt a desk, but sexist bullying which is condoned by management. The OP risks having her career impeded by the actions and insinuations of C1 and perhaps background sexist attitudes in the company.

I hope that HoD does realise that he is being made to look a fool and he sorts things out properly and/or everything blows over. But it's not really just a desk to C1 either, so I'm not hopeful.

Formal legal action such as tribunals etc should be the very last recourse for the OP. They can be emotionally draining, expensive and harm your career. However she does seem to be at risk at present and therefore should take good legal advice if she can, particularly if she can get it free or "cheaply" just to inform her future actions and protect herself as much as possible. (Small personal aside, that mug?)

OP shouldn't forget that there might be a reputational risk to her company if found to have discriminated and that compensation can be larger in tribunals for sex discrimination cases and thus the OP should not underplay any gender issues.

I think real life support or support from peers or more senior women in your profession is invaluable in these situations and OP should try and get this if she can.

I agree the OP should have this thread removed, but as we all wish her well, it would be nice to have an update in the future. Sorry this is so long. Best wishes. OP.

SapphireStrange · 23/03/2017 10:38

Agreed, the talk of legal advice over a desk is baffling. It's not over a desk really; it's systematic and long-term sexist bullying.

The point of getting legal advice is to threaten the employer with unpleasant and long tribunals so that you don't have to go that far and they decide it's easier to pay you off instead. That's what happened to me.

OP, yes, lawyers charge high hourly fees. But you've had some good advice here about it (Student Union support/legal insurance etc). Plus, if it does come to a compromise agreement or similar, your company may well have to pay your legal fees as part of it. Again, this was my experience.

As an aside, I'm a bit sick of PPs saying posters talking about legal advice etc wouldn't dream of taking their own advice/probably don't even work Hmm etc.

Foxysoxy01 · 23/03/2017 10:43

It is bullying but C1 does not sound like the type that would worry if you were male or female. I imagine if he wanted something I.e the desk he would throw his weight around like a fucking gorilla bulldozing people till he got his way.

The only two options left to you that I can see is to either escalate it beyond your HoD as he is plainly useless and not going to resolve anything. There is no point wasting your breath with him. The problem with this is you must have evidence of the bullying by C1 otherwise it will just look like silliness over a desk and he will counter with having reports of how loud you are but didn't want to get you in trouble etc etc and whether that is true or not he will have at least one or two mates that will back him up.

The second option is to ask another colleague if the would move to the other desk with you or just to move there yourself. If possible you could have headphones on and listen to music/podcasts etc. If really is just work and you're not there to have mates and banter.

Whatever you decide I really think you need to start getting your head down and getting on with your work though. I'm not saying you should put up with bullying but you really need to show that you will crack on and get your work down in the meantime especially if you might have had complaints against you.

Foxysoxy01 · 23/03/2017 10:45

Please excuse my bloody typos my phone hates me!

Roomster101 · 23/03/2017 10:47

It's not over a desk really; it's systematic and long-term sexist bullying.

Unless OP can think of specific examples of other occasions where she has been bullied (apart from the event she can't really remember) it could look exactly as if this is all over a desk.

As for legal advice- sorry if I have this wrong, but my understanding is that you did it after being constructively dismissed. It's hardly the same thing as this case and with all due respect, I doubt that OP is after a similar outcome (i.e. a payoff after losing her job and chance to do a degree).

SapphireStrange · 23/03/2017 10:51

No, mine was not a constructive dismissal case. And we don't know what the OP wants. Anyway, my post was mainly about answering her question about the expense of a lawyer. And my point about threatening the employer with the prospect of a tribunal was in response to the post warning against tribunals because they can be draining, expensive etc.

Procrastinator1 · 23/03/2017 10:55

Many would argue that waiting until dismissed is leaving it too late to get legal advice. A bit like shutting the gate after the horse has bolted. If the OP knows what issues might be raised in a future tribunal she can guard against them and perhaps get a better outcome than might otherwise have been the case or achieve a better settlement, or avoid dismissal altogether. Another cliche, forewarned is forearmed.

sonjadog · 23/03/2017 10:57

I think you are handling this well and I think your suggestion of moving the seating arrangement was good. I would let this play out for a few days now and see what happens. I imagine C1will get increasingly stressed and this whole situation may solve itself in the next day or two. I wouldn't back down, but I would also be cautious of escalation, as you aren't going to be there for more than a couple more years. Better to get your education and move on somewhere nicer to work than doing anything now that could ruin future prospects.

Could you move to another team? You've mentioned the other team near by who have a better HoD. Could you ask to be moved to them for the rest of your time in the company? It would get you away from this group, who frankly sound like a disaster.

Roomster101 · 23/03/2017 10:58

Of course we have an idea of what OP wants. She wants this to be resolved with the least amount of hassle/cost and to keep her job/degree. Do you still have your job SapphireStrange?

Procrastinator1 · 23/03/2017 11:02

should have said..avoid dismissal or any further action altogether. The correctly drafted letter or email just might "put the wind up them". (just can't help myself today, almost becoming Mr Jones from Dad's army)

KirstyLaura · 23/03/2017 11:38

I'm not reading the whole thread, but I just don't understand why you wouldn't just go to HR over something like this. Bullying is bullying, it's not just about a desk if they're pushing you out and humiliating you, and your manager isn't supporting you. Go to HR.

Roomster101 · 23/03/2017 11:44

I would read the thread KirstyLaura and you may then understand.....

KatharinaRosalie · 23/03/2017 11:48

Has anybody suggested that OP should go to HR yet?

Grin
kaitlinktm · 23/03/2017 11:49

Oh for heaven's sake KirstyLaura - did you really think that after 740 messages nobody else would have suggested this? I can understand you don't want to read all the posts - but you could read the OP's updates and she said there was no HR very early on.

daisychain01 · 23/03/2017 11:58

Kirsty your post was the reason the acronym FTFT was invented. Sometimes a thread moves on significantly from the OP esp after >700 posts!

Toysintheattic29 · 23/03/2017 12:10

The Students Union is a good place to start for advice. A Trade Union will probably charge you quite a bit in fees and then do nothing, if my own experiences are anything to go by. I got some good, free help from Citizens Advice but don't know if they are still going. You are in a really awful situation and unless you can leave, which it sounds like you can't, it seems the best solution is to try really hard to sit it out until 2018 when you finish your degree. I am so sorry you are going through this as it's do stressful, especially when you are studying. Some people go off sick with stress over situations like this. Take care of yourself.

SoupDragon · 23/03/2017 13:03

I'm not reading the whole thread, but I just don't understand why you wouldn't just go to HR over something like this.

Hahahahahahaha.... wheeze... hahahahahahaha...

LaContessaDiPlump · 23/03/2017 13:05

Hope you're ok today op - the silence indicates that events may be Afoot.

daisychain01 · 23/03/2017 13:08

Soupdragon unfortunately HR aren't in the office atm. They've gone to cancel the cheque.

tribpot · 23/03/2017 13:09

No, OP is at uni today and so (a) has no updates I suspect and (b) has to at least notionally pay attention in lectures Grin

WhatchaMaCalllit · 23/03/2017 13:13

Soup and daily - I'm actually laughing...out loud...at that... I might even fall on the floor and roll around a bit too! Grin Smile

nakedscientist · 23/03/2017 13:18

OP I hope college has gone OK. Much good advice on here. You are wise to talk to ACAS and the NUS is a good idea as they can point to free legal advice.
You are really strong, stronger than that lying craphead 1 who is outing himself now..