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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be angry at colleagues?

930 replies

HappyGoLuckyGirl · 20/03/2017 10:38

For background, I work in an extremely male dominated industry and I am the only female on the team.

In the office we sit in 'pods' of four. On pod A, there is myself and two male colleagues. On pod B there was two male colleagues, however one has just left the company.

I have just come back from 3 days annual leave to find that the colleague who sat next to me (Colleague 1) has moved all his things onto my desk and Colleague 2 who was sat on pod B is now sat at Colleague 1's desk. My things have been moved to pod B, where Colleague 2 used to sit. So now, I am sat in the middle of the office, on a pod by myself. If I had chosen to move, it wouldn't be a problem but it feels like I have been pushed out of the rest of the team and almost 'relegated' if you will.

I asked them to move my desk back and then left to get a coffee. I came back and Colleague 1 smirked and said I should sit down at my 'new' desk. I gathered my things and came to sit in the spare office, as I felt angry and embarrassed and didn't want to lose my temper.

The head of department came into the spare office and asked me what was up. I explained what had happened and he said he was now in no-win situation. I asked why, when it was quite simple to ask everyone to move back. He then told me they had done it without his permission and he 'wasn't getting involved'.

I then said, well I am now asking you to get involved please, you're the head of department. To which he repsonded that it wasn't my decision, it was his and he wanted me to 'give it a go'. He said it would be a good thing for me and Colleague 1 to sit apart as we have been butting heads slightly lately. I said yes, but because of Colleague 1's behaviour, things like this!

I said if that was his opinion then I accept that but I didn't understand why I was the one being punished. He said I was being daft and he wanted me to give it a go but understood if I wanted to work from the spare office.

I'm extremly annoyed because he told me himself they did it without his permission and I feel that now he is attempting to make out like it is his decision because he doesn't want to reprimand Colleague 1. It is easier to make out like I am being a silly girl over a desk.

This is an open plan office, by the way. So two other departments know about it!

I feel extremely embarrased and upset about it now and I can't think straight, so need you lot to tell me if I am being silly or if I am justified in feeling that this behaviour is unprofessional and disrespectful.

OP posts:
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SapphireStrange · 22/03/2017 16:47

Time, good points but hasn't the OP already had that kind of conversation with her manager, who is refusing to countenance that approach?

Timeforteaplease · 22/03/2017 16:51

That was before she sent the emails to make it clear she wasn't letting it drop. HoD has now had time to reflect on something that is getting out of hand and could end up reflecting badly on him too.

Roomster101 · 22/03/2017 16:53

Whether or not he has previously refused it is worth putting that option in writing. The suggestions that OP will have to give up her job and degree are seriously over the top and make me wonder how those posters get on in life (or if they even have jobs)

Timeforteaplease · 22/03/2017 16:53

Nobody will look good if something like this goes upstairs. Cock 1 will look like an idiot - because what he has done is plainly nuts. HoD will look like he can't manage his team. Everyone will look bad and everyone loses.

SapphireStrange · 22/03/2017 16:55

That was before she sent the emails to make it clear she wasn't letting it drop

Yes, true.

cordeliavorkosigan · 22/03/2017 16:56

Back a few pages: "going nuclear"? I don't think so. A politely worded email is very different from "going nuclear". If you had wanted to go nuclear you could have shouted, contaminated the desk with staining ink or otherwise, hidden C1's things in the locked area, released identifying info on here / on twitter about the company name ... gone straight to directors with accusations that it's because you declined C1's sexual advances ... You have not done any of these things; you've been measured and sensible.
I agree with timeforteaplease above - figure out what you'll do if they do nothing and then list that, and option 3 as the two new options.

MiniCooperLover · 22/03/2017 17:03

This could have been so easily resolved if HOD just went out and told Colleague 1 to get up and stop being a prat. He's the main problem now.

StatisticallyChallenged · 22/03/2017 17:12

Given the (probably accurate) suspicion that the directors are reading your messages then I would email HoD again rather than doing it verbally. I'm guessing his nonsense this morning was verbal.

I think the others are correct that at this point you should offer him the option of moving them all back again, but make sure you do it in writing in such a way that confirms what he said earlier. Maybe something like:

"Dear HoD

Thank you for coming to talk to me earlier about your thoughts on how best to proceed with this issue.

I understand your desire to keep this informal and to avoid further escalation. From my perspective, as I have explained before this is ongoing bullying from other members of the team - there has been no falling out and my desk was changed despite me explicitly and clearly telling Colleague 1 not to do so. Given this your proposal of putting names in to a hat and having a quick chat with Colleague 1 doesn't seem to be a suitable resolution as it does not address the fact that this situation has arisen due solely to inappropriate behaviour by Colleague 1. At this stage I believe the only suitable informal resolution would involve my seat being vacated and reallocated to me and Colleague 1 making a full apology for his actions.

Otherwise your suggestion that this ongoing bullying should be escalated to [Director] would seem to be the best course of action. "

Or something along those lines, I am sure the wordsmiths will have other ideas Grin

KickAssAngel · 22/03/2017 17:27

I would be hugely tempted to email HoD asking why he is allowing Cock 1 to make unilateral decisions which disrupt the workplace, and why he is colluding with him by allowing it to continue? Then ask if he's doing this as he wants to ensure that the only female is being ostracized and bullied in the workplace.

But that probably isn't the most diplomatic way to deal with this.

morningconstitutional2017 · 22/03/2017 17:31

Looking at this from a sideways point of view* - could you transfer to a more harmonious team - or are the teams defined by skill-set?
*I realise that this doesn't give the bully the treatment that he deserves but a gentler approach may work best. (I'd still like to give him a kick where it hurts, but still.)

HappyGoLuckyGirl · 22/03/2017 17:33

Holy shit.

Just about to leave office now after meeting with C1 and HoD, can't fully explain now as I don't have time but basically:

He moved everyone about because he has been receiving complaints from various members of staff about me specifically relating to my behaviour/language/loudness in the office.

I was gobsmacked and tried to establish what these specific complaints were, when they were made and who they were from and why he hadn't addressed them with me and given me an opportunity to address my behaviour.

He stormed out of the office! HoD told him to sit down and he just stormed out!

I am furious. This has never been brought up to me before and HoD directly contradicted C1 and said he has had people tell him to reign his team in but none that were in direct relation to me (or any other specific team member) actually.

He also claimed he had tried to approach me about this many times which I completely disagreed with and said so.

I am in complete shock and so humiliated at the thought of other staff members gossiping about me to each other and to members of my team and he didn't refer it to HoD or brought it up directly with me to tell me my conduct was inappropriate and allow me to address and correct it.

OP posts:
Dumdedumdedum · 22/03/2017 17:36

He stormed out because he was lying, surely?

SapphireStrange · 22/03/2017 17:37

Right. C1 has shown the full extent of his true colours.

Get everything you can down in writing and email it to HoD with something like 'Here's my notes on this afternoon's meeting; please confirm/add anything you wish.'

I am in complete shock and so humiliated at the thought of other staff members gossiping about me to each other and to members of my team

Don't be. They almost certainly haven't been. This reeks of C1 making shit up. HoD pretty much confirmed that with what he said.

CookieLady · 22/03/2017 17:41

C1 is lying. What a prat.

Chippednailvarnishing · 22/03/2017 17:42

You now need to email your HoD and dispute the allegations and say that C1 is bullying you.
That you want to know the names and details of the accusations.

coconutpie · 22/03/2017 17:42

C1 is clearly full of shit. C1 is not your line manager so if anybody was complaining about you, they'd have gone to your line manager. C1 is just making up lies about you now.

Roomster101 · 22/03/2017 17:46

I'm sure that C1 is bullshitting.Anyway, your HoD's not going to appreciate his excuse as it would be his job to move people around if there were complaints.

Timeforteaplease · 22/03/2017 17:47

Pure bullshit from C1.
It may not feel like it right now, but the game just changed and you are now winning.
Nobody has been talking about you, no complaints have been made. C1 has just realised the extent of the mistake he has made and is back pedaling madly.
Make notes, but don't send them to anyone yet - wait and see how this plays out.
Sit in your office with your best shocked/hurt look and see what C1/HoD do next.

HighwayDragon1 · 22/03/2017 17:49

He is lying, trying to weasel out of a formal disciplinary. This is your opportunity to escalate into a formal complaint.

Stay strong op.

Jaynesworld · 22/03/2017 17:54

So why did he say no when you asked him if there was a problem?? What a lying little shit, the reason he stormed out was that he was caught bullying and ran away like bullys do when confronted.

Silverstreaks · 22/03/2017 18:09

He's been busted and he knows it.

KickAssAngel · 22/03/2017 18:16

So other people are going to him, not the HoD, and naming you, when actually it's him and Cock 2 who throw paper around? Yeah, right.

He wanted his bezzy mate next to him so that they could continue their immature tomfoolery at work, and thought you'd put up with being treated like shit. Now he's just lying rather than admit to having done something wrong.

The HoD should be wiping the floor with this guy, and questioning whether he even has a job. Cock 1 is acting as if he's the HoD when clearly he's not.

(And this is why the HoD should be acting like a manager, not a coward).

Mustang27 · 22/03/2017 18:19

Stand your ground, demand proof. He is at it. What a douche!!

StatisticallyChallenged · 22/03/2017 18:28

Pure, unadulterated, bullshit. C1 is trying to wiggle out of his own stinking mess by blaming you.

C1 is not your boss. IF, and I don't believe it but IF, there had been complaints about you then the only appropriate action for him to take would have been to direct the complainers to HoD. So even if he was telling the truth - which he almost certainly is not - he still behaved entirely inappropriately.

Do not let this prick and his made up shit get to you.

annielouise · 22/03/2017 18:35

HoD has been utterly shit but after this last bit with the lying from C1 he needs to start fucking managing because C1 has no respect whatsoever for him.

I would not be backing down. You do then C1 rules the roost - including over HoD.

I would not want another reshuffle. I'd insist on option 3 - HoD tells C1 to move everything back and not do it again. He also needs a formal warning of some kind.

Personally I'd tell HoD I want this escalating and I will be seeking some representation as I'm being bullied by C1 and you're actions are condoning. He's done fuck all. He has a cheek to complain about you going "nuclear" when you've done nothing of the sort. He wanted to sweep this under the carpet and would have done nothing if you hadn't have emailed him. Now he's starting to realise how this could pan out for him.

He's your problem and he's the one you need to put pressure on to sort it. Stay well clear of C1.

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