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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be angry at colleagues?

930 replies

HappyGoLuckyGirl · 20/03/2017 10:38

For background, I work in an extremely male dominated industry and I am the only female on the team.

In the office we sit in 'pods' of four. On pod A, there is myself and two male colleagues. On pod B there was two male colleagues, however one has just left the company.

I have just come back from 3 days annual leave to find that the colleague who sat next to me (Colleague 1) has moved all his things onto my desk and Colleague 2 who was sat on pod B is now sat at Colleague 1's desk. My things have been moved to pod B, where Colleague 2 used to sit. So now, I am sat in the middle of the office, on a pod by myself. If I had chosen to move, it wouldn't be a problem but it feels like I have been pushed out of the rest of the team and almost 'relegated' if you will.

I asked them to move my desk back and then left to get a coffee. I came back and Colleague 1 smirked and said I should sit down at my 'new' desk. I gathered my things and came to sit in the spare office, as I felt angry and embarrassed and didn't want to lose my temper.

The head of department came into the spare office and asked me what was up. I explained what had happened and he said he was now in no-win situation. I asked why, when it was quite simple to ask everyone to move back. He then told me they had done it without his permission and he 'wasn't getting involved'.

I then said, well I am now asking you to get involved please, you're the head of department. To which he repsonded that it wasn't my decision, it was his and he wanted me to 'give it a go'. He said it would be a good thing for me and Colleague 1 to sit apart as we have been butting heads slightly lately. I said yes, but because of Colleague 1's behaviour, things like this!

I said if that was his opinion then I accept that but I didn't understand why I was the one being punished. He said I was being daft and he wanted me to give it a go but understood if I wanted to work from the spare office.

I'm extremly annoyed because he told me himself they did it without his permission and I feel that now he is attempting to make out like it is his decision because he doesn't want to reprimand Colleague 1. It is easier to make out like I am being a silly girl over a desk.

This is an open plan office, by the way. So two other departments know about it!

I feel extremely embarrased and upset about it now and I can't think straight, so need you lot to tell me if I am being silly or if I am justified in feeling that this behaviour is unprofessional and disrespectful.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
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Original poster
HappyGoLuckyGirl · 22/03/2017 15:21

And thank you very much to the poster who offered to PM me details of an employment lawyer, that is very kind.

Depending on how this pans out, I may well take you up on it.

OP posts:
Stiffanky · 22/03/2017 15:21

I'm so shocked that something like this can happen in a modern organisation. It is as clear an example of bullying as anything else. You have been ostracised from the team without being told why. Colleague 1 is clearly the main power broker on your team, not the HoD who sounds inept. You have already given him the opportunity to deal with this informally and he has chosen not to. I say that you should proceed with your email and insist on a formal response.

Keep all your interactions factual and try to not let emotion come to the fore. Do you have a trusted colleague (not on your team)who can come with you to any meetings about it?

They will try and reframe this now to suit their own agenda. But the facts are clear... you went on holiday, they colluded behind your back to isolate you. If anyone member of the team thought this was unfair then they would've offered to sit with you on your pod. The fact they didn't means (to me) that they were all in on it. Why on earth should colleague 1 dictate who sits where? What a twat

tribpot · 22/03/2017 15:24

There's absolutely no upside in you setting down with C1 again. I hope you didn't say anything to C2 in response to all of his leading remarks.

HoD needs to tell C1 to move back or he'll need to escalate, end of. Telling you about all the apparent negative effects C1's behaviour could have on C1's own career is a clear example of the kind of victim blaming that keeps women from reporting harassment. If his reference contains the fact that he is a bully (which it wouldn't anyway), well - that's true. So the solution to this problem is for him not to be a bully, not for you to take his bullying without complaint.

Seriously - don't talk to C1 again. You've done your bit, it's up to HoD now.

SapphireStrange · 22/03/2017 15:24

OP, no, really, you don't have to talk to C1 any more and you need to get this taken 'upstairs'.

And it was me who offered a lawyer... Grin

Original poster
HappyGoLuckyGirl · 22/03/2017 15:30

Was it Sapphire? Well thank you very much!

I really do hear what you are saying, honestly I do. And in a perfect world, I would make this formal and let him get what he deserves.

But I'm not sure if that would happen here. I feel there is a real threat that this would be turned on me or dismissed as office banter etc. I am in no position to leave the company willingly, as I don't complete my degree until summer 2018 and then I'm tied in for another year at least.

I know that once I graduate it will be a lot easier for me to get a prospective new employer to buy out the last year of my contract, as that will be about £6k.

OP posts:
SapphireStrange · 22/03/2017 15:30

PS trib talks a lot of sense about victim blaming.

Original poster
HappyGoLuckyGirl · 22/03/2017 15:32

I have bashed head a few times with one Director who really doesn't like me. The MD sort of fell out with me when I got pregnant. Hmm

I really don't see them helping me over Colleague 1, who is very well liked as an authoritative, competent and skilled employee.

OP posts:
SapphireStrange · 22/03/2017 15:35

Seriously, lawyer up.

Timeforteaplease · 22/03/2017 16:01

Send an email to to your HoD asking him to confirm in writing the options he has given you to resolve this.
Get everything in writing.

growingseeds · 22/03/2017 16:02

Hmm "fell out with me when I was pregnant" doesn't sound good :(

GnomeDePlume · 22/03/2017 16:04

In the end I think you need to work out what is least worst for you.

If you go with the informal route you will be perceived to have backed down. That is tantamount to saying you accept how you have been treated. It will leave a nasty smell and you will be expected to accept that in some way you caused it

The HoD is spineless and will look for a solution which makes the nasty smell go away. C1 will be looking for opportunities to damage your image in the company. They will both be looking for a way in which you are forced out: HoD through weakness, C1 through aggressive tactics.

C1 will start to point out any mistake/difference in judgement you make. HoD will put you on some sort of performance management. Before you know it you will be looking over your shoulder and second guessing every word you write. At this point it will be suggested that you start looking for 'something else'.

If you go for the formal route it will get difficult. HoD does not want to be seen by his bosses as having failed to manage what on the face of it is a minor matter.

C1 will be resentful but he is already getting isolated. He may try to claim that 'everybody finds you difficult'. C2 and C3 at this point will suddenly find that they didnt hear/see anything. Both will become neutral and guarded. Whatever happy atmosphere there was in the office will evaporate.

At this point the directors may decide that the best thing is that you leave. However you will be in a position to negotiate a compromise.

Whichever way you go I cant see you staying much longer with this company. Essentially you are between a rock and a hard place but if you go the formal route you will stand a better chance of negotiating a financial and professional cushion.

hellejuice91 · 22/03/2017 16:10

I come from a hot desking environment so I have no concept of this. Surely you just sit where is free when you come in - first come first serve?

SapphireStrange · 22/03/2017 16:13

helle, even if that's not how you work, surely you can understand the idea of people having their own designated desk?

sweetheart · 22/03/2017 16:13

Yes good point - if the shit really hits the fan a good way out could be a compromise agreement. You could ask that they pay for your studies to finish at no cost to you and give you a reference and in return you won't pursuit a claim against them for sexual discrimination / bullying / harassment / constructive dismissal etc

SapphireStrange · 22/03/2017 16:16

A compromise agreement is kind of what I was thinking of. Different circumstances, but I got one from an old job. It was salutary to see how easily they rolled over and just wrote me a cheque to go away (having been utter fuckers to me up to then) once I got a lawyer in.

ToastDemon · 22/03/2017 16:17

GnomeDePlume excellent post, I completely agree with you.
OP essentially they have put you in a no-win situation. Your bully colleague appears to be favoured by management, you HOD is spineless and unsupportive, and your MD has a problem with you.
Your work environment is toxic and by the sounds of it sexist.

If you back down, they basically have free rein to continue bullying you and 2/3 years is a long time to have to endure that sort of treatment, before you are able to look elsewhere. And that's assuming your situation even remains tenable enough to remain there. Also don't underestimate the effects of this on the confidence and mental health of even the strongest-minded and most balanced person.

If you keep everything formal, escalate, and potentially get a lawyer involved, then you at least have a chance of some sort of negotiation regarding your exit terms, or possibly constructive dismissal.

They are both horrible options. I really feel for you, you've been put in an awful, unfair situation, but you are handling it with a a lot more calmness and strength than I could manage.

macaronip1e · 22/03/2017 16:18

I come from a hot desking environment so I have no concept of this. Surely you just sit where is free when you come in - first come first serve?

Agreed, you have no concept Wink What you desrcibe is hot desking; in many (most? nearly all?) offices people have a designated desk.

Timeforteaplease · 22/03/2017 16:23

I completely disagree that you can't recover from this and your career there is over.
I think I would be tempted to go into HoD office and say that you've thought about the 2 options he has given you and want to put forward a third - that he just goes out there and makes everyone move back. Problem solved. There will be no need to involve senior people. There will be no warning on anybody's HR records.

Roomster101 · 22/03/2017 16:27

Alternatively, OP could just tell HOD (in writing) that she will go down the informal route if C1 gives her her desk back and apologises to her. Then she will not have to leave her job before she gets her degree.

Procrastinator1 · 22/03/2017 16:28

Agree with Timefortea. Worth a try.

Roomster101 · 22/03/2017 16:29

Cross posted with timeforteaplease who said much the same thing as me.

Dec05 · 22/03/2017 16:34

These are doomsday scenarios though.

Another view or outcome could be that OP was experiencing low level crap for a while but got on with the job. Finally the 'boys' went too far, OP had enough, kicked up a fuss and got it dealt with.

Life goes on, workplace resumes, but now OP has shown she won't be putting up with unnecessary shit.

She is a female in a male dominated world. Frankly the earlier in her career she can show this the better.

I have worked with a wide range of assholes - they are everywhere, in every business. They are not necessarily 'managed out' or change jobs every time there is a problem. OP does not need to leave until it suits her in her career progression.

Also, crap as this is, and as stressful as it is, it is some learning experience. How well she is dealing with this will very much stand to her in the future. She sounds like she is just starting out so will have to deal with many challenges in her career - so this is good practice.

Keep strong OP, you are doing a great job and well done to lots of posters for good advice and a wide variety of views.

EweAreHere · 22/03/2017 16:43

Your HofD is useless. Let it escalate. It will show him to be cowardly and inept: he's afraid to tell Colleague 1 he's out of order and to move back to his own desk; he's afraid to stand up for you, because he clearly wants to be seen as 'one of the boys'; he'll move everybody rather than deal with the bullying; he's asked you to decide how to handle it, which is it's own form of bullying under the circumstances.

Poor, poor, poor.

I would let it escalate if it was me.

As for 'can't take a joke' or 'you're just too sensitive' type of responses from the Colleagues, those are the rallying cries of bullies everywhere when called on their behaviour.

AllWorkedOutOk · 22/03/2017 16:46

This is such a shitty situation. I think timeforteaplease suggestion sounds like it might be worth a try. I'm not even sure I'd insist on an apology. If you get your desk back then at least they won't treat you as too much if a pushover. Hopefully?

OP, you seem so sensible and logical about this and you seem to have a lot of self awareness which makes is 100 times more annoying that your colleagues are all so stupid. 😡😡😡

Timeforteaplease · 22/03/2017 16:46

Just say something like you agree that neither of you want it to go (a) upstairs or (b) result in a negative outcome for cock 1. But he must be able to understand you can't accept being treated like this - so a return to the status quo is the easiest and only way for this to avoid (a) or (b).
It's the only sensible and proportionate response to what has happened.