AIBU to be angry at colleagues?

[HappyGoLuckyGirl]

For background, I work in an extremely male dominated industry and I am the only female on the team.

In the office we sit in 'pods' of four. On pod A, there is myself and two male colleagues. On pod B there was two male colleagues, however one has just left the company.

I have just come back from 3 days annual leave to find that the colleague who sat next to me (Colleague 1) has moved all his things onto my desk and Colleague 2 who was sat on pod B is now sat at Colleague 1's desk. My things have been moved to pod B, where Colleague 2 used to sit. So now, I am sat in the middle of the office, on a pod by myself. If I had chosen to move, it wouldn't be a problem but it feels like I have been pushed out of the rest of the team and almost 'relegated' if you will.

I asked them to move my desk back and then left to get a coffee. I came back and Colleague 1 smirked and said I should sit down at my 'new' desk. I gathered my things and came to sit in the spare office, as I felt angry and embarrassed and didn't want to lose my temper.

The head of department came into the spare office and asked me what was up. I explained what had happened and he said he was now in no-win situation. I asked why, when it was quite simple to ask everyone to move back. He then told me they had done it without his permission and he 'wasn't getting involved'.

I then said, well I am now asking you to get involved please, you're the head of department. To which he repsonded that it wasn't my decision, it was his and he wanted me to 'give it a go'. He said it would be a good thing for me and Colleague 1 to sit apart as we have been butting heads slightly lately. I said yes, but because of Colleague 1's behaviour, things like this!

I said if that was his opinion then I accept that but I didn't understand why I was the one being punished. He said I was being daft and he wanted me to give it a go but understood if I wanted to work from the spare office.

I'm extremly annoyed because he told me himself they did it without his permission and I feel that now he is attempting to make out like it is his decision because he doesn't want to reprimand Colleague 1. It is easier to make out like I am being a silly girl over a desk.

This is an open plan office, by the way. So two other departments know about it!

I feel extremely embarrased and upset about it now and I can't think straight, so need you lot to tell me if I am being silly or if I am justified in feeling that this behaviour is unprofessional and disrespectful.

Totally disagree with unhappy. Enough has happened already; how much more does the OP have to document and why one earth should she keep her head down?

This is not about shrugging and saying 'Oh well, at least I've got my own office.' It's workplace bullying, exacerbated by ineffectual management, and it needs calling out.

OP, again, seriously, talk to a lawyer. I had legal help with a work situation (not a bullying/sexist thing in my case) and I was amazed – things that I thought were minor or silly were taken very seriously by her. It was an eye-opener.

Roomster I have twice contacted my union about issues in the 2 years I've been in my job, and any advice I've given is exactly what I would do in happy's situation.

Option One - Escalate

I wasn't referring to advice on contacting a union (although OP hasn't said she is in one) or ACAS elmo1990.

• a way of making

Your HOD is being a real wimp and bullying you as well. I know its easy for us to say, but I think you should push it up the line. Your email was not a 'nuclear' option it was measured and followed you talking to C1 as he asked you to do. I think if you fail to follow through now, you may have a short period of quiet before it ramps up again.
Given your description of your company I don't hold out much hope of a amicable resolution, so I would strongly suggest you make contact with ACAS / union/ professional body. Professional bodies often have a legal advice service, so that might be a useful way to go as well.

I really feel for you - it must feel very uncomfortable for you.

Hmm so it could be a bruised ego as he maybe wanted his cake and too eat it. There really are some self entitled pcks out there , male and female. I really have no advice because even if you asked him if he was smarting a bit out of rejection he would make you out to be a nutter and you would be no further forward. This just makes my blood boil!! Some people really do function on if you can't eat it or F^^k it then you have to kill it and unfortunately that's what he is trying to do to your career .

From what I gather, your training is over & all you are outstanding is your payment to the company for this?

I was in a similar situation (only female in all male environment) and was being pushed out due to 'mates' sticking by each other.

If you're good at what you do, have you thought of moving on? Part of your negotiation with a new outfit could be to settle your training payment. And if you worked in an admin position in your current company, it's difficult to get other staff to forget this, unfortunately - however many professional qualifications you now have.

I'd also consider asking the Fawcett Society &/or the Women's Engineering Society for advice.

Sapphire, I totally see your point. Of course this is not about shrugging and say Well, at least..., but the point is: how far will she have to go to solve this problem? I even mentioned the book 'Snakes in Suits', about psychopaths at the workplace. Some people just don't care, that's why I think it's not worth wasting energy on that. They're not afraid of anything or anyone. Getting a lawyer could help, of course, but in the long run? Would she continue to work with those people, who have shown no consideration or professionalism whatsoever? She could win this battle, but would the bullying stop happening?
Now, the HOP is a wet noodle, as someone said before, he simply doesn't care and of course doesn't want to get involved because it's easier for him. I've been there before and I tried to get help, but what I got was a lot of trouble and even more frustration.
She could test the water with the mean' colleague to see if there is any chance they could negotiate this again, something like surviving in the jungle if you will. It's a wild world.

• and saying

I'm Brazilian, BTW, and here in Brazil we're so used to dealing with corruption and wrongdoing...maybe that's why I have such views...lol

I think it's pathetic that your HoD doesn't even have the balls to speak to C1. It's getting out of hand for everyone; all he needs to do is put his foot down and say "C1 shift your stuff back where it was" and there would be no issue. I really feel for you OP; would hate to be in your position.

I agree unhappywskid but perhaps that is because I have worked with a few ruthless psychopaths too! Who knows what will happen if disciplinary proceedings start but OP may well find that things do not go her way. Her colleagues including the HOD are likely to back C1 and god knows what lies and bullshit they may tell.
I'm not sure what environment the posters who recommend "escalation" work in (or if they work at all) but many sound quite naive.

Thanks for the ongoing support everyone.

Development.

Colleague 2 came into my office. He tried to make out like I was taking it personally, it "doesn't run as deep as I was imagining" and that there was no need for me to be sitting in the office by myself. I should come out and give the new office a try.

He's seen me in a lengthy meeting with HoD and is now shitting himself, I think.

I was extremely calm and collected and did not raise my voice at all. He was talking about Colleague 1 this and Colleague 1 that and was quite taken aback when I said he had colluded with the behaviour.

He then tried to say it was 100% about a seating reshuffle as apparently Colleague 1 has had other members of staff complain about the noise coming from our department. I can see this being true as the other department on our floor has an extremely strict HoD who doesn't tolerate much discussion amongst his staff and has previously complained when one of our team members had a bad chest infection that he was recovering from, the the coughing was too loud

But this also further supports my theory that I am being targeted because if that was the case, then Colleague 1 should have brought it to the attention of our HoD or even just to the whole team and said "look, we're going to get ourselves in trouble because we keep mucking about and are loud, so we need to have a move around to control the noise".

Instead they took the opportunity to separate me from the team behind my back, which is quite insidiously blaming me for the noise and shunning me away. I can be loud (in my natural voice, I have quite a loud laugh for example) but it is mainly Colleague 1 and 2 who muck around like children, throwing paper balls and elastic bands all the time, hiding things like phones and keys in cupboards, etc.

We were interuppted by the MD who came down to our department! There have been rumours going round the office that our emails are monitored by the Directors upstairs and the fact that the MD came down to our department, for no apparent reason and asked me why I was in the spare office, sort of confirms it.

So now I think the Directors upstairs know about what has happened but can't say anything without confirming they are looking through everyones emails.

I am going to sit down with Colleague 1 again and ask HoD to be in the room as a witness but not be directly involved in the conversation.

I have no advice about which option you should follow, but I think you need to ask your HoD to reply to your email in writing outlining your options.

There should be a written record of what he said to you in your conversation today ie the two options he presented you with.

unhappywskid, well, I don't know if her colleagues are psychopaths or are just being chauvinistic and complacent. I think the latter is more likely and therefore I think the OP invoking the idea of legal support might be enough to kick the HoD and/or 'upstairs' into taking her concerns seriously.

would the bullying stop happening? I think, in a scenario where the colleague was dealt with firmly by management, yes, it quite likely would. If the options are that they a) leave the bullying to happen or b) have the OP getting legal on their arses, I suspect they'd suddenly turn willing to actually deal with this colleague properly.

You are in a lose/lose situation. Your colleague is at the least ill-mannered. If the 2 men wanted to share a pod, then it would have been courteous to ask you if you minding swapping to the now-vacant one. However, you seem to intimate that this is part of an ongoing 'needling' campaign and passive-aggressive, sexist hostility disguised as 'banter'.

It is an old story. If you don't stand up for yourself, the behaviours can often escalate. If you DO stand up for yourself, the aggressor plays the innocent and claims that you have merely had a sense of humour failure. Without the backing of your spineless boss, there is little to do. Going to HR is reasonable, but ultimately may well escalate the bad behaviours.

In your position, aggravating though the circumstances may be, I would give him a brilliant smile and say something along the lines of ' "Thanks, X! Now I get to have a pod to myself without having to put up with your smelly feet/BO all day!!" all with a laugh in the name of 'banter', of course! I would also go and buy the pinkest, sparkliest, girly mug you can find and give it to him as a present with a sweet smile "as you seem to like my mug so much, I thought I'd get you your own!"

Don't let them see they have got to you; bullies smell blood and will just worse if they see they have upset you. Don't hide in the spare office; they'll only take it away from again. Enjoy a spell of quiet on your own in pod B. When a new colleague gets assigned to share the pod with you, go on a charm offensive and get them onside so that you can shift the office dynamics. It is only a matter of time before your horrid colleague upsets one of his current male chums and then you will get another one of them onside.

I would also start quietly looking for another job. Life's too short to put up with this crap....

I am going to sit down with Colleague 1 again and ask HoD to be in the room as a witness but not be directly involved in the conversation.

I think that's a bad idea. You have no need to deal directly with C1. It is for management to sort out.

I hope you didn't say much to C2; I don't think you should be engaging with any of them except on work subjects while this is going on.

Raqs, you say 'Life's too short to put up with this crap' but your advice is just adding to the crap.

Making passive-aggressive comments/banter, buying people mugs, going on 'a charm offensive' and getting colleagues 'onside' to 'shift the office dynamics' is just silly game-playing, not appropriate work behaviour. It would also be a lot of hard work for the OP when, frankly, she should be working on her actual JOB.

Personally, I wouldn't use banter, jokes or anything they can level a criticism against you for. Not now. They'll say something like "she was winding me up all day, with her smart arse comments".

Head down, work on and let it all blow over!

Good xpost there Sapphire. I think people forget the OP is in the professional workplace, not a playground - and trying to build credibility .... and not get dragged down to their level.

Personally, I wouldn't use banter, jokes or anything they can level a criticism against you for

Exactly, daisy (although I can't agree with the 'let it all blow over' bit!)

daisy

Sapphire I know I shouldn't have any need to deal with Colleague 1 again but unfortunately I do.

My HoD said he "can see what is bothering him" and then move us all about via luck of the draw. But then I could be left with the same bloody desk situation and then not know what said to C1 by HoD. I do not want this to get swept under the carpet and I have a feeling HoD won't come down on C1 hard. He was already saying to me that it "was a falling out between colleagues" so who knows what he would say to C1!

I feel like this is my best option to really try and sort this out. I know 100% that going formal will just put a target on my back for the Directors and could possibly highlight myself as someone they need to get rid of.

Bloody hell happy your hod is seriously shit. Can't believe he said you'd "gone nuclear"! What a ridiculous thing to say. I have to say this thread started out sounding like one or two bad eggs, but what with the additional into that's transpired, it seems that unprofessional and questionable behaviour is endemic. Do you really want to stay in this company? Tbh, if the org wont take it seriously and you are seen as a problem to solve, this may mean they'd release you and any outstanding training debt. I'm not advocating this just desperately looking for a silver lining.

The situation you're in is beyond shitty and you are dealing with it brilliantly. I thought I was tough but seriously, I take my hat off to you. Fair play.