AIBU to be angry at colleagues?

[HappyGoLuckyGirl]

For background, I work in an extremely male dominated industry and I am the only female on the team.

In the office we sit in 'pods' of four. On pod A, there is myself and two male colleagues. On pod B there was two male colleagues, however one has just left the company.

I have just come back from 3 days annual leave to find that the colleague who sat next to me (Colleague 1) has moved all his things onto my desk and Colleague 2 who was sat on pod B is now sat at Colleague 1's desk. My things have been moved to pod B, where Colleague 2 used to sit. So now, I am sat in the middle of the office, on a pod by myself. If I had chosen to move, it wouldn't be a problem but it feels like I have been pushed out of the rest of the team and almost 'relegated' if you will.

I asked them to move my desk back and then left to get a coffee. I came back and Colleague 1 smirked and said I should sit down at my 'new' desk. I gathered my things and came to sit in the spare office, as I felt angry and embarrassed and didn't want to lose my temper.

The head of department came into the spare office and asked me what was up. I explained what had happened and he said he was now in no-win situation. I asked why, when it was quite simple to ask everyone to move back. He then told me they had done it without his permission and he 'wasn't getting involved'.

I then said, well I am now asking you to get involved please, you're the head of department. To which he repsonded that it wasn't my decision, it was his and he wanted me to 'give it a go'. He said it would be a good thing for me and Colleague 1 to sit apart as we have been butting heads slightly lately. I said yes, but because of Colleague 1's behaviour, things like this!

I said if that was his opinion then I accept that but I didn't understand why I was the one being punished. He said I was being daft and he wanted me to give it a go but understood if I wanted to work from the spare office.

I'm extremly annoyed because he told me himself they did it without his permission and I feel that now he is attempting to make out like it is his decision because he doesn't want to reprimand Colleague 1. It is easier to make out like I am being a silly girl over a desk.

This is an open plan office, by the way. So two other departments know about it!

I feel extremely embarrased and upset about it now and I can't think straight, so need you lot to tell me if I am being silly or if I am justified in feeling that this behaviour is unprofessional and disrespectful.

OP has been subjected to years of low level bullying and this is the latest escalation. It will not go away if she leaves it, it will just get worse.
She has two years to go and needs to stop this rot. So far she has spoken to her boss, very calmly, moved to a seat of her choice and sent one professional email stating what has happened. I think she is fully justified follow through now.

She hasn't "left it" though has she? She has made a complaint in writing. I am suggesting that she doesn't do anything further at the moment because it could backfire.

OP has been subjected to years of low level bullying and this is the latest escalation. It will not go away if she leaves it, it will just get worse.
She has two years to go and needs to stop this rot. So far she has spoken to her boss, very calmly, moved to a seat of her choice and sent one professional email stating what has happened. I think she is fully justified follow through now.

She hasn't "left it" though has she? She has made a complaint in writing.hmm I am suggesting that she doesn't do anything further at the moment because it could backfire.

I can totally sympathize with the OP because if she is truly stuck there due to her training etc I believe the company will do nothing to help her knowing full well that she can shout as loud as she wants but at the end of the day they have the upper hand. This is how my company functions.

That sums up what I was about to say. Where to next, if this just gets batted back to you? I am hoping for a good outcome also, but I do wonder will the company just brush this under the carpet?

I agree that they have the upper hand in this situation and threats of legal action etc are pretty pointless. Hopefully the fact that OP has made a complaint will make them move desks around and also make C1 think twice about doing this sort of thing in the future.

They are a bunch of rude w**rs. They obviously waited until you were on hols to do it too. Pathetic really.

Take the moral high ground, as anything else will now make you look petty. Shake your head and sigh about little boys all wanting to sit together. Thank them that you now have lots of extra space. Bring in flowers, fluffy animals, posters etc. spread out and make the space your own.

I have skimmed the thread - although I have read all of the OP posts, but not all in one go so sorry if this has been covered,

OP - you mention that you often stay after the others have left. Could you just move him off of "your" desk and put him back to where he was, and reinstate yourself there? Make sure you are in before him the next morning and if he kicks off just treat it like the last few days were him having a joke on you, and now its time for the childish behaviour to stop. Because., clearly, its your desk!

I see your HOD has said if he has to get involved, he will move everyone around, but this will stop him needing to lay the law down. I have worked with idiots like this, and I found it easier to just play them at their own game. It also avoids the "moody women" label being applied, because you are only doing the same action he has done.

Re the mug - just ignore it, and say that he must really be in touch with his feminine side, pink suits him etc, try to get the other guys laughing at him & repeat each time.

Every time he gets a rise out of you, he feels good, so just don't let him - easier said than done, I'm sure. Good luck!

oh - and report to HR

For me, telling my line manager that I had spoken to ACAS was an indicator that I was not simply going to roll over.

My line manager was very much of the view that he could set whatever 'rules' he liked, that as professionals we were not subject to the same employment protection as other employees, we would simply toe the line (which he had drawn).

Good luck today OP. Wait and see what your HoD does in response to your email before planning too many future strategies, he needs to have a chance to respond. You never know, maybe he'll grow a spine. I doubt it, but I guess you have to give him the chance.

If you're not happy with his response, consider then how to take it further. I would think the company secretary would be your best bet - he might not be HR but he's the closest you have and hopefully he will realise both the seriousness of the situation and his own responsibilities.

Mustang my best friend has been saying the same thing but I just don't see it. He's made several passes at me before, but I don't mind a bit of harmless flirting. Although once I had to be very firm. But this was ages ago, almost a year.

I wasn't in the office this morning as I went to the doctors. Came in and...nothing has changed! HoD is sat in his office and the guys are still all sat on the one pod.

I really thought he would take the opportunity to deal with it while I was gone but nope.

Oh please, not fluffy animals. The OP rightly wants to be seen as professional.

I completely understand how you must feel as something very much the same happened to me a few years ago when the office was 're-organised' one weekend and myself and one other person had our desks moved to behind a row of filing cabinets. My colleague and I took the view that we worked with such a bunch of arse-holes, we were glad not to have to look at them so much, though of course we could still hear their snide remarks. Yes it's very hurtful and is of course a form of harassment. Your boss sounds like a wanker (like mine was) and if you take matters further you might find you end up worse off than before. I would enjoy having your own space. Smile sweetly and personalise your pod a bit. They will then be soooo disappointed that you are happy with the new arrangement. It's the best way of getting back at those bastards.

He's made several passes at me before, but I don't mind a bit of harmless flirting. Although once I had to be very firm. But this was ages ago, almost a year

And there we have it.

Ah, right.

So has your boss not responded to your email yet? What next?

I think the reasons for doing this are that he wants to sit next to his little fwend. Really pathetic childish behaviour and the HOD doesn't sound much better. It must be awful to have to work with such dicks but I would try to rise above it.

That's a bit of a fucking massive drip feed

Interesting article.
www2.cipd.co.uk/pm/peoplemanagement/b/weblog/archive/2016/10/25/more-than-40-per-cent-of-young-women-expect-to-face-sex-discrimination-at-work.aspx
Hope link works.

Perhaps speak to ACAS as previously mentioned.

Ah OK, there's your answer. Bruised ego.

Not only have you grown in confidence and expertise, so that you aren't operating at trainee level anymore, but you've also turned him down. Therefore you must be cut down, reduced and made to Know Your Place, because it's easier to mock you and invite others to ridicule you, than to accept the fact that you might turn out to be better at the job AND and not want to fuck him.

Why didn't you mention this in your OP or previous updates? People have asked if it's an attraction thing, so to wait until now to mention it does come across as drip-feeding.

Not another one.

Because she doesn't believe it's true? It sounds like it could be nothing more than his attempt at flirty banter. It's not like he got down on one knee ffs

Moving I genuinely didn't think it was relevant, as I don't think it is the cause of the issue. He has a beautiful girlfriend and whilst he has made drunken passes at me before, he has never seriously persued me or made me feel uncomfortable (other than the one time we were both very drunk and I had to be quite firm). I'm not even his type really!

I do have an update with HoD though and now I am more lost than ever.

He wasn't happy with the email I sent. He says sending such an email with very specific "buzz" words, if you will, has stripped him of his ability to deal with this discretely and keep it within the team and he has to send the email to Director to deal with. He said I had gone "nuclear" by sending the email

He kept saying "there has been a falling out" and I made it clear t him that the reason I sent the email was to ensure that it is not swept under the carpet and treated as an in-fight between immature colleagues. It is what it looks like, bullying behaviour.

He said I now have two options. 1) send him another email telling him that I wanted him to deal with it informally and not report up the chain of command. He said he will try and speak to Colleague 1 and see what his problem is. I said he is unlikely to come clean to HoD if he didn't to me and if he doesn't choose to disclose this 'issue' he has then he should be told to keep it to himself and stop the behaviour completely, it will result in a formal disciplinary.

He also said he will put all our names in a hat and draw who should sit where, as this is the fairest option. I again challenged him on this as I think it is unfair to treat us like squabbling children and all of us face consequences when it is one member of the team that needs to be reprimanded. He didn't budge. I may consider asking him to sit us two to a pod, so no one is seated alone, however I don't know if I want to be held responsible for 'spliting' the team.

Option 2) let him send the email to the bosses upstairs who will start the disciplinary process which is likely to result in a formal hearing, he said.

He also nicely slid in that any warnings Colleague 1 gets, even a verbal one, will go on his working record as a formal discipline for bullying and will be disclosed on any future references the company gives him.

I said it was unfair for me to have to consider the impact this may have on his future, when it is his own for behaving like a such a bloody neanderthal!

I've said I will think about it for the rest of the day. I literally have no idea what to do and I'm really fucking annoyed that I'm in such a shitty lose-lose situation.

Your HoD is a wimp and as i said the other day you need to take advice.

Personally i would be emailing him saying that you followed his suggestion, it didn't resolve anything. You would like him to follow company policy as it is not for you to decide how he chooses to manage his team.

Personally? I would have one last go at talking to colleague 1. Tell him if the dispute goes ahead it goes on his record and his future references.
Let him decide if he wants to continue his 'banter' when he knows the consequences or does he wants to discuss it like adults and sort it out.

Op your hod is really handling this badly, please speak to acas/a union - ps personally I'd go with option 2 as actions have consequences and c1s behaviour is unacceptable