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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be angry at colleagues?

930 replies

HappyGoLuckyGirl · 20/03/2017 10:38

For background, I work in an extremely male dominated industry and I am the only female on the team.

In the office we sit in 'pods' of four. On pod A, there is myself and two male colleagues. On pod B there was two male colleagues, however one has just left the company.

I have just come back from 3 days annual leave to find that the colleague who sat next to me (Colleague 1) has moved all his things onto my desk and Colleague 2 who was sat on pod B is now sat at Colleague 1's desk. My things have been moved to pod B, where Colleague 2 used to sit. So now, I am sat in the middle of the office, on a pod by myself. If I had chosen to move, it wouldn't be a problem but it feels like I have been pushed out of the rest of the team and almost 'relegated' if you will.

I asked them to move my desk back and then left to get a coffee. I came back and Colleague 1 smirked and said I should sit down at my 'new' desk. I gathered my things and came to sit in the spare office, as I felt angry and embarrassed and didn't want to lose my temper.

The head of department came into the spare office and asked me what was up. I explained what had happened and he said he was now in no-win situation. I asked why, when it was quite simple to ask everyone to move back. He then told me they had done it without his permission and he 'wasn't getting involved'.

I then said, well I am now asking you to get involved please, you're the head of department. To which he repsonded that it wasn't my decision, it was his and he wanted me to 'give it a go'. He said it would be a good thing for me and Colleague 1 to sit apart as we have been butting heads slightly lately. I said yes, but because of Colleague 1's behaviour, things like this!

I said if that was his opinion then I accept that but I didn't understand why I was the one being punished. He said I was being daft and he wanted me to give it a go but understood if I wanted to work from the spare office.

I'm extremly annoyed because he told me himself they did it without his permission and I feel that now he is attempting to make out like it is his decision because he doesn't want to reprimand Colleague 1. It is easier to make out like I am being a silly girl over a desk.

This is an open plan office, by the way. So two other departments know about it!

I feel extremely embarrased and upset about it now and I can't think straight, so need you lot to tell me if I am being silly or if I am justified in feeling that this behaviour is unprofessional and disrespectful.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
Tapandgo · 21/03/2017 22:29

A manager who cannot manage! How unusual (not!)

magoria · 21/03/2017 22:50

Forward any emails you have made or will do onto your personal email in case of yours being 'lost' by the system.

It wouldn't be the first time!

HappyGoLuckyGirl · 21/03/2017 22:52

naked unfortunately not. Unless you count DS's tantrums squishy hugs Grin

OP posts:
MumW · 21/03/2017 23:05

Have only read your first post & don't have time to read the rest now. My gut feeling is that you should talk to HR.

HappyGoLuckyGirl · 21/03/2017 23:10

Cancel the cheque! Wink Grin

OP posts:
venusinscorpio · 21/03/2017 23:12

Agree with magoria. Keep your emails somewhere safe.

BonnyScotland · 21/03/2017 23:24

darn it... I hoped for a conclusion tonight .. slopes off to bed.... x

elenafrancesca · 21/03/2017 23:52

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

dottybooboo22 · 22/03/2017 00:14

i'd go and have a slap up meal of strong smelling food such as salami and gorgonzola, go straight back to the office, drink salt water and vom the lot up over his desk. do it last thing on a friday so it'll have had time to soak into all cracks and crevices, and your pink mug. see how he much he loves your desk then! total wanker!!!

HappyGoLuckyGirl · 22/03/2017 00:15

Dotty Grin I just laughed out loud at that!

OP posts:
NightWanderer · 22/03/2017 00:35

I think you are handling the situation really well even though I'm sure you must feel as if you're flying by the seat of your pants. I think the points you need to keep emphasising are:

There has been low level bullying and harassment ongoing for sometime now but this has crossed a line and it all needs to stop now

He has created this situation and it has caused difficulty and extra work for everyone in the office not just you.

It is obvious that he feels that his personal relationship with management has given him carte blanche to behave as he pleases and that he is somehow above the law.

Keep hammering home these 3 points.

EBearhug · 22/03/2017 01:10

I would echo the advice about joining a union. I assume that construction is quite unionised, so there will be a recognised union, but this may be a historical truth rather than current fact. Even if there isn't one, everyone has the right to join, and there's a union-finder tool on the TUC website. I have used mine for advice about a potential grievance in the past. I've also been to a women in STEM event they ran, which was great.

However, be aware that some unions will not take on cases already in progress when a member joins - sometimes, you have to have been a member for a minimum period. I think with my union, it's 3 months.

---

I wonder if HoD has heard of the Peter Principle. Might not be polític to ask him in the current circumstances, though. Wink

daisychain01 · 22/03/2017 02:35

Does your HoD look like the Pointy haired Boss in Dilbert, OP?

Credit to Scott Adams 1995
dilbert.com/strip/1995-02-05

AIBU to be angry at colleagues?
Rumeameke1978 · 22/03/2017 04:27

Please document all this and speak to HR. This unwarranted unreasonable behaviour

Rumeameke1978 · 22/03/2017 04:32

This may very well be due to you out performing him. Think over your previous work and his to see if this is the case

SoupDragon · 22/03/2017 07:02

Please document all this and speak to HR.

Which HR would that be? The imaginary one?

cordeliavorkosigan · 22/03/2017 07:14

Would it be helpful to tease them a bit about being so threatened?

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers · 22/03/2017 07:25

Hope all goes OK today OP. I work in construction as well, but in a regulatory capacity (if you know what I mean). Our entire team is female. Every one of us across four levels. It's great. It's also very emasculating for a lot of the dinosaurs on site.

I understand what you're going through, so I'd definitely start looking about for alternative employment ideas. Lots of the big house builders are recruiting site management and associated expertise if you're interested in going that way.

morningconstitutional2017 · 22/03/2017 07:29

Could you take your mug off his desk, just say, "This is mine," then take it back to your desk? (even if it means emptying it and refilling with your choice of drink). If he says that it's only a mug, just repeat yourself.
I know that this seems petty (but he started it) then keep your mug on your desk at all times? For loo visits take it with you. Make sure it's always got something in it, even if it's only water, and then take it home with you at the end of the day so that it's impossible for this git to pinch it.

Much of the above-mentioned advice you've been given by others is good. I hope that this bully get his come-uppance eventually. He's not a proper grown-up man, just a pathetic neanderthal twit.

MrsSchadenfreude · 22/03/2017 07:35

Good luck! Your HoD is an utter waste of space, but you know that!

Panetulipani · 22/03/2017 07:42

Been there, done that. The best way to get your own back without loss of face in this scenario is to accept the new office, then publicly thank both of them for the 'promotion' to having your own office - 'it's so nice to have a different view' 'I get loads more done with the peace and quiet', etc. Then, when the bloke upstairs gets wind of it and complains again, you get to mention in passing 'oh, but I didn't choose this, it was forced upon me - I would be happy to swap back to my old desk, but so-and-so has taken it over''.

EBearhug · 22/03/2017 07:56

This may very well be due to you out performing him. Think over your previous work and his to see if this is the case

Women in male-dominated industries are often better-qualified and better performers, just to be seen as being at the same level as their male colleagues.

GnomeDePlume · 22/03/2017 08:20

At some point in the last months C1 has had his nose put out of joint. Is he at the same stage as you in training or a little bit ahead? In his head he has been senior to you. Fine to fraternise with. Maybe he even saw himself as your 'mentor'.

Things have changed. You only have a couple of years to go then you will be fully qualified. You are a threat to him. He needs to assert himself otherwise you will overtake him.

That desk now represents status. If he gets shuffled out of it and you end up back in it he will have lost status. Be prepared for him to not take this quietly. He will try to undermine you. Keep your relationship with him cool and make sure you are uber professional in everything you do at work. Don't trust him with anything.

Cagz · 22/03/2017 08:27

Equality and discrimination: understand the basics pdf [415kb]
This guide outlines the basics of what employers of all sizes, managers, employees and their representatives must and should do to make their workplaces a fair environment and comply with equality legislation.

Maxandrubyrubyandmax · 22/03/2017 08:27

It's bullying. Get it documented with HR. Don't give twat 1/spineless test any more ammunition. On the plus side we share 8 desks between 14 people and everyone is in physio as the desks can't be set up correctly. People are sitting on the join between desks huddled over laptops trying to use mobiles in a building with no reception so it could be worse. But please document every incident of bullying and keep your head down. Eventually they'll screw themselves over

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