AIBU to be angry at colleagues?

[HappyGoLuckyGirl]

For background, I work in an extremely male dominated industry and I am the only female on the team.

In the office we sit in 'pods' of four. On pod A, there is myself and two male colleagues. On pod B there was two male colleagues, however one has just left the company.

I have just come back from 3 days annual leave to find that the colleague who sat next to me (Colleague 1) has moved all his things onto my desk and Colleague 2 who was sat on pod B is now sat at Colleague 1's desk. My things have been moved to pod B, where Colleague 2 used to sit. So now, I am sat in the middle of the office, on a pod by myself. If I had chosen to move, it wouldn't be a problem but it feels like I have been pushed out of the rest of the team and almost 'relegated' if you will.

I asked them to move my desk back and then left to get a coffee. I came back and Colleague 1 smirked and said I should sit down at my 'new' desk. I gathered my things and came to sit in the spare office, as I felt angry and embarrassed and didn't want to lose my temper.

The head of department came into the spare office and asked me what was up. I explained what had happened and he said he was now in no-win situation. I asked why, when it was quite simple to ask everyone to move back. He then told me they had done it without his permission and he 'wasn't getting involved'.

I then said, well I am now asking you to get involved please, you're the head of department. To which he repsonded that it wasn't my decision, it was his and he wanted me to 'give it a go'. He said it would be a good thing for me and Colleague 1 to sit apart as we have been butting heads slightly lately. I said yes, but because of Colleague 1's behaviour, things like this!

I said if that was his opinion then I accept that but I didn't understand why I was the one being punished. He said I was being daft and he wanted me to give it a go but understood if I wanted to work from the spare office.

I'm extremly annoyed because he told me himself they did it without his permission and I feel that now he is attempting to make out like it is his decision because he doesn't want to reprimand Colleague 1. It is easier to make out like I am being a silly girl over a desk.

This is an open plan office, by the way. So two other departments know about it!

I feel extremely embarrased and upset about it now and I can't think straight, so need you lot to tell me if I am being silly or if I am justified in feeling that this behaviour is unprofessional and disrespectful.

I think this behaviour sounds very bullying and designed to humiliate and exclude you. It is a 'drip drip' approach. Today it'll be 'hey, it's just a desk' on the next occasion it'll be 'hey, it's just such and such'
All little cuts that make you feel small, insecure and excluded.
Your boss is a t!t. Contact HR or keep a diary of all this little events, one event may seem insignificant, but when a number of these events are pulled together it demonstrates a bullying campaign.
Is there anyone else at work who can support you?

he told me they did it while he was out and when he came back he asked them if they were sure they knew what they were doing

Wow. Such leadership skills. Such authority. God this guy is a wet bloody blanket, isn't he? I assume it's already evident to you that they are never going to promote someone like you if he is an example of their preferred management style.

Your HoD is taking the path of least resistance. How on earth did he get to be a "manager". He's supposed to manage people. He shouldn't have asked do you know what you're doing. He should have said move it back straight away. He's complicit in this. I'd even go as far as to say his inaction is having a detrimental affect on you. If he had a brain cell he'd realise this. He cannot be friends with the people under him. It doesn't work like that. You can't then manage them. They have no respect for him. If anyone higher up does listen to you I would say that too.

Let's hope someone higher up has some insight into this. It's a can of worms. Your HoD will not come out of this looking good. If I was his line manager I would be telling him that too. That's why I think it would be good to plant the seed in his head that that is how it could all pan out - him looking like he's not done his job as he's condoning C1's actions and has facilitated a situation where an employee is being bullied. I'm so annoyed for you.

Sorry Op, finally read the full thread so apologies for last post.

Great email - good luck. I hope they resolve it or you're able to come to a deal that you don't have to pay them back any money & you get a glowing reference & can move on.

If you have a friendly chat with him say John (or whatever his name is), I'm not dropping this because if I do it will get worse. (He shouldn't be asking you to anyway.) I hope you're not caught in the crossfire because I came to you as both our managers to put it right. C1 had no right to move my things and by not stopping him it might look like you've condoned it. I hope that's not the case as we've always got on but higher up they might wonder why you didn't put a stop to it immediately.

I'd say that to him, or some version of it, and see what he does.

It's not uncommon behaviour sadly.

I think it's a case of men getting pissed off because they can see you're good at what you do and are probably going to start "infringing on jobs they regard as theirs or are incapable of getting"

They've put a lot of effort into sabotaging you so that you either look unhinged OR antisocial OR some sad little female desperate to win favour with them
when they "won't let you play"

Take it as a compliment that you come across as " going places" and they are threatened ( they want you to be sitting crying about your desk and mug so you aren't putting your energy into the longer term career picture)
I can see that you need to stick it out here, but make sure you're getting contacted up yo the maximum, scoping out and reaching out to potential future employers, making sure you're credited for everything you do... I agree keep a diary but just so you have it "logged", maybe no need to share at this stage? So if something does kick off you can tell the investigating person that you've logged a diary with your legal representative from X Date just in case, which should protect yourself a wee bit.

Good luck, it's s horrible situation to be in but remember these people are NOTHING but angry little weirdos who feel threatened because they have shit sad lives.

To re-iterate, try not to lose sight of your bigger long term career picture - it's THIS their trying to derail. Colleague 1 can enjoy his little pink mug and his bitchy little games when you're working in X high status position far far away from him.

Be careful with that mug photo, it could identify you.

I hope that it wasn't taken for evidence to show you are "difficult", don't show respect for colleagues. Think how things might come over in a tribunal or court just in case things really do go badly, which I hope they won't.

Just read the thread. You've had some good advice on here and you have acted completely professionally. However as a pp has said please join a union as they will at the very least be able to provide appropriate advice if this goes any further.

Ur head of department needs to get a grip!!!! How can he/she think they are not getting involved! I am guessing it's a male thou, he needs to tell the others to stop messing it's not the playground!!

love the mug. You need to buy a new one.

Just wanted to comment that it seems clear to me what is going on. You've emerged successfully from your trainee status and should now be considered a peer to C1. He dislikes this and feels threatened and as you've described the desk as a really good location, C1 has clearly attached some perceived "status" to the desk. Perhaps he thinks that anyone visiting the office would assume the person sitting at that desk is the most senior employee in the team because it's in the best spot.

Sadly you can't underestimate how threatened many men still get by women equaling or overtaking them professionally. My ex-dh was the most progressive man ever and treated his reports (male and female) excellently but when he himself found himself with a female boss he hated it and reverted to a sexist arsehole because he felt threatened.

YANBU - I doubt you would have done the same to them . Head of dept is weak .

Just document everything - times and dates in case you need it . I hope you won't and Good Luck with it - they sound like unpleasant people to me

OP, it's fairly clear that this has the potential for being a slippery slope where action is taken against you, or without your consent, such that you no longer have any leg to stand on. I suggest you ask for HoD for a meeting where you notify him that you will be bringing an advocate (a lay person who speaks on your behalf, not a union rep at this stage). You will be asking formal questions and you will expect formal replies.

I suggest you view this as a fact-finding exercise. If there is bad blood between you and your colleagues - as in they feel this but you don't - then it's your boss' job to assist the relationship to be rebuilt. It won't be rebuilt by your being placed 'on the naughty step'.

Clear your mind of any suggestion of sexism. It's entirely possible it is, but this will simply muddy the waters at the moment. Ask clear questions: why was this done behind your back? Why was this not done with your consent or notification? Why did he not discuss this with you and simply allow you to walk into a fait accompli? These are basic and adult questions which require basic and adult answers. You are not interested in personalities.

Good luck with it!

I think HoD will just move everyone and make out like it's everyone being silly. I really hope he surprises me but I don't think he will.

I can't really go over his head as the person above him I have really clashed with in the past. He's outwardly sexist, no hiding it. Lots of "my lovely", "sweet", I even got "baby doll" once when I was younger and part of the admin team.

If I went over his head to the MD, Director would just get pissy because I'd bypassed him and MD would just refer it back anyway.

I could go to the company secretary but again, he isn't a decision maker and would involve Director or MD.

You're all being fantastic though. It's great to know that I've got a bunch of vipers at my back who will advise me should things get any worse.

I can really see C1 making a huge deal of me formally escalating the matter though. I don't think I've ever witnessed HoD reprimand C1 and I don't know how C1 will react. I've got a funny feeling he will refuse to move. Maybe that's just me thinking the worst.

YANBU I am disgusted at their childish playground behaviour and would encourage you to speak to your HR department about how you are feeling and/or speak to your managers manager about their lack of management in the office (lol) if you ignore the behaviour then they will carry on behaving like this and it can be intimidating to new female members of staff and as you are an interpreted member of the team the HR team or whoever you speak to are more likely to take you seriously

Can you find a way to (carefully) re-outline the situation in an email to your HoD so he confirms in writing he won't back you up? Then for other small things follow up with emails. Always in writing (can you print just in case you loose access to email?) then you at least have written evidence of what goes on, and you are then in a better position for the next incident to report to HR? This is bullying and probably gender based so don't put up with it! Good luck

What a bunch of twats! I hope you get it sorted. Last year I had to raise a grievance against my company secretary for changing my job while I was on maternity leave amongst other things. Basically, unfair treatment and sexism just like you. Much to my surprise, my grievance was upheld, He no longer works there! So, theres hope!

Meanwhile, I saw this......www.heraldscotland.com/news/15168530.17_500_award_for_worker_boss_called____a_witch_/

Total link fail there! sorry!

P.s......OP HAS NO HR DEPARTMENT TO REFER TO!

sorry!

Urgh. I can completely relate. I am also the only female in an office of all males (in a very male dominated industry) and I feel left out a lot of the time and that's without my desk being moved when I am not there. I totally understand where you're coming from and also why you're so disappointed with your boss who said his hands are tied......they are not tied. It seems like the "boys network" don't like to annoy each other to your detriment and I really feel for you. Is there anyone else you can go to?? As I really feel this situation is unfair. As much as people are saying "it's only a desk" that's not really the point, you've been ousted from your position in the team in a rather humiliating fashion and then brushed aside when you complained. I'd definitely try to speak to someone as this is really a totally unacceptable way that you've been treated by both the colleague who moved your desk and then the boss you complained to. Good luck!! I feel your pain xx

This is bullying. Nobody should be moving your stuff from your desk. They made you feel bad. In public sector they would be in bother for this.

Perhaps you could get this mug OP?

It's clearly unreasonable. I can't imagine anyone doing that without discussion. It's totally disrespectful. Complain loudly and really really fuck them if they then think you are the trouble maker.

OP good email!
Keep strong, you are doing well.
Get a diary, keep notes and keep emailing factual emails to your boss as a record of the progress. " I have now sat in the desk you recommended and am looking forward to getting my job done without any more unauthorised interruptions..."
Hope you have support at home.