AIBU to be angry at colleagues?

[HappyGoLuckyGirl]

For background, I work in an extremely male dominated industry and I am the only female on the team.

In the office we sit in 'pods' of four. On pod A, there is myself and two male colleagues. On pod B there was two male colleagues, however one has just left the company.

I have just come back from 3 days annual leave to find that the colleague who sat next to me (Colleague 1) has moved all his things onto my desk and Colleague 2 who was sat on pod B is now sat at Colleague 1's desk. My things have been moved to pod B, where Colleague 2 used to sit. So now, I am sat in the middle of the office, on a pod by myself. If I had chosen to move, it wouldn't be a problem but it feels like I have been pushed out of the rest of the team and almost 'relegated' if you will.

I asked them to move my desk back and then left to get a coffee. I came back and Colleague 1 smirked and said I should sit down at my 'new' desk. I gathered my things and came to sit in the spare office, as I felt angry and embarrassed and didn't want to lose my temper.

The head of department came into the spare office and asked me what was up. I explained what had happened and he said he was now in no-win situation. I asked why, when it was quite simple to ask everyone to move back. He then told me they had done it without his permission and he 'wasn't getting involved'.

I then said, well I am now asking you to get involved please, you're the head of department. To which he repsonded that it wasn't my decision, it was his and he wanted me to 'give it a go'. He said it would be a good thing for me and Colleague 1 to sit apart as we have been butting heads slightly lately. I said yes, but because of Colleague 1's behaviour, things like this!

I said if that was his opinion then I accept that but I didn't understand why I was the one being punished. He said I was being daft and he wanted me to give it a go but understood if I wanted to work from the spare office.

I'm extremly annoyed because he told me himself they did it without his permission and I feel that now he is attempting to make out like it is his decision because he doesn't want to reprimand Colleague 1. It is easier to make out like I am being a silly girl over a desk.

This is an open plan office, by the way. So two other departments know about it!

I feel extremely embarrased and upset about it now and I can't think straight, so need you lot to tell me if I am being silly or if I am justified in feeling that this behaviour is unprofessional and disrespectful.

Whoohoo! Let them get on with their childish nonsense and you enjoy your new space. Make it pretty 😊

It would probably hurt my feelings and your manager not sticking up for you too, but in saying that, I love working alone so would relish my own space.

They're bullies and your head of dept is a coward. Why is he a head of dept?!
Go to work and sit where you like- if I was you I'd not want to sit near the bullies anyway.

If you're lucky enough to be indispensable apply for other jobs- put the willies up em!

I would move his stuff to a different desk every single day for the rest of the year. When he complains I tell him he clearly can't take a joke. What a knob.

Shit manager. I'd put a grievance into HR. I think it's nasty sexist bullying, but even it's only petty office politics that is what managers are supposed to deal with. If the manager doesn't like it he should ask for a demotion. And don't believe it's 'just a desk' - where someone sits is a massive indicator of their status in the hierarchy. If all the 'ickle boys want to sit with their fwends they should all fuck off to the other pod and leave your original one to you. Can you take the dividers down and push the desks around so your space is massive and it is clear that you now occupy a higher status than the junior staff on the communal pod? Or insist on the private office and tell HR you want the move off your team to be accompanied by some kind of promotion. Think of a new job title and stick it on the door - doesn't have to be a pay rise (but that would be nice).

Sadly, I suspect that the explanation is C1 thinks you are getting too good for his liking and need taking down a peg or two. Not that he'd ever phrase it like that.

Hopefully, your HoD has been away, getting his spine sorted, and will support you better tomorrow.

It would be interesting to hear what RICS can offer you in terms of mentoring and support. Can you also go to anyone at the place where you did your qualifications? Is there a Women in STEM or Women's Engineering Society or equivalent where you can meet female peers in your industry?

Sounds like you are already instigating the groundwork for a formal complaint and I think you probably should. I would always be wary of raising a grievance myself unless I felt I had real grounds to and felt that I would experience a favourable outcome, sometimes it's not worth it if you see a long future at the company and on the whole you are happy, I say pick your battles and try and overcome it with an informal conversation instead of going down a route of no return. However, what you are experiencing amounts to bullying and you could argue discrimination if you feel they would not treat a man that way and that kind of attitude needs to be eradicated from the workplace and that can only be done if enough people stand up to it. It must be hideous to feel like that in the workplace, it's like being at school but worse because these people are meant to be adults with some life experience which should influence their actions and how to treat people! It's easy to down play it and say it's just a desk but it's clearly more than that and it sounds like they have form. Keep going, they sound like absolute pricks.

Thinking about this and speaking to you guys has actually made me realise how insidious it's been. He will regularly say quite inflammatory things to get me to react and then have a big laugh and joke about how it's so easy to wind me up, I need to chill out etc

If you really want to get heavy, this is bullying.

And because you are the only woman in the team, and the only person he bullies in this way, it's sex discrimination.

You would be justified in saying - if you wanted to be quite heavy about it - that this is a hostile workplace, due to sexist bullying.

His response to your informal chat suggests he's a sexist arse.

Good luck!

I would guess that colleague 3 is not as wrapped in to the shenanigans as C1 and C2 and is busy covering himself as much as possible. He will probably be trying to be as neutral as possible. He won't be a friend or ally but also won't want to be linked to C1 and C2. C1 will be trying to keep C2 on side but since the only person who has so far gained anything is C1 then C2 may also go neutral.

Yanbu but I would rise above it and let them be petty. It is your managers job however to deal with this type of conflict/issue, sounds cowardly to me, could take it up with HR.

I had similar when pregnant. Male dominated team, suddenly we were all meant to hotdesk but I didn't have to because I had to use a lot of heavy files that were kept on shelves next to my desk. My desk remained my desk in order that I wouldn't have to carry heavy documentation about whilst pregnant. One male colleague, known twat, would not accept this, and made a point of getting in early to take my desk for the day. My desk wasn't even particularly good. He just wanted to upset me. So one day I got in early, stuck up pics from Mother and Baby magazines etc all round my desk, even a diagram of a uterus and the weekly growth markers of a foetus, on the pretext that 'people seem confused this desk is mine, hopefully this will give them a clue'. He never did it again. Management were also crap and spineless, I was the one female manager in a sea of older, less well educated, sexist pigs. Needless to say I didn't go back after maternity leave but I did prove my point about the desk. Also, to sympathise, it feels like such a violation when your stuff is moved, doesn't it OP? The mug thing is awful. Just deliberate controlling behaviour. Awful.

They sound like arses, I'd complain and in the meantime make the office yours. Your manager sounds like he needs to grow a pair.

No real advice to offer about how to deal with the situation (I've been a stay at home mum for the past 8 years) but I would suggest rinsing your mug out with pee (combating childishness with even more childishness).

Oh my god! YANBU at all. Your colleagues are bullies and your Head of Department is pathetic! As with all bullies they want a reaction... don't give them one. I don't mean to trivialise it, I'm not the one having to work with them, but I would rise above their juvenile behaviour x

Wow, shitty situation, however you look at it, but most of all it's the manager's lack of support that makes it awful. I also work in a male dominated industry, I am also the only female on the team and also going through some informal discussions about the offensive 'banter' in the office. I totally get it. Stick to your guns, it will be awkward for a while but it's not you who made it awkward and in the long run dealing with it (like you do) is the only way. The alternative is slow but sure slide into depression. Go girl!

I really feel for you. This colleague sounds utterly vile. I too have worked with such horrors.

Very very good luck xx

Your Hod is spineless and I don't know how you bit your tongue! Personally I'd give it a fee days in your new pod, get in extra early on Monday morning, move all the stuff back to its original place and say to your Hod 'I gave it a try, I didn't like it so I've moved back'. Can't say fairer than that. If he says 'you can't do that' Id say 'well they did, and you said you didn't want to get involved in that so I'm sure you don't want to get involved in this' ;-) . I'd have to win, I'm as stubborn as a mule when I feel people are getting treated unfairly!

This is extremely unprofessional behaviour of your colleagues. I would choose a desk that is free, other than the one they put you at. Ignore their school boy behaviour and just be polite but no more. You are the better person.

Has this happened because you are the only woman? If so, then I think it can be useful to compare sexism with other forms of discrimination, such as racism. If your colleagues and head of dept were all white and you were black, would it be seen as ok for you to be pushed out in this manner? I imagine not. Might be worth pointing this out to your head of dept. Yes, it is "just a desk" just as it is/ was "just a seat on a bus", etc.

I think your email was professional. Hope it gets sorted. Colleague 1 is a git.

This is bullying behaviour and I would speak to your HR department if possible.

I haven't read all the replies but my goodness OP, I'm angry for you. The berks. Your manager is probably worse for not standing up to them when it originally happened. If the issue was your relationship with the other colleague, the whole thing should have been discussed when you returned.

Wait until he next goes on leave and then move back there, Take the mug home and get a plain one, And document all this. Good luck xx

Please take your own mug home and replace it with this one, doubt he'll be so happy to use it himself. (PM me your address and I'll buy it for you - better still, PM me his office address and I'll send it to him!)

Write "I am a desk stealing cunt" on the bottom of your mug?