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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be angry at colleagues?

930 replies

HappyGoLuckyGirl · 20/03/2017 10:38

For background, I work in an extremely male dominated industry and I am the only female on the team.

In the office we sit in 'pods' of four. On pod A, there is myself and two male colleagues. On pod B there was two male colleagues, however one has just left the company.

I have just come back from 3 days annual leave to find that the colleague who sat next to me (Colleague 1) has moved all his things onto my desk and Colleague 2 who was sat on pod B is now sat at Colleague 1's desk. My things have been moved to pod B, where Colleague 2 used to sit. So now, I am sat in the middle of the office, on a pod by myself. If I had chosen to move, it wouldn't be a problem but it feels like I have been pushed out of the rest of the team and almost 'relegated' if you will.

I asked them to move my desk back and then left to get a coffee. I came back and Colleague 1 smirked and said I should sit down at my 'new' desk. I gathered my things and came to sit in the spare office, as I felt angry and embarrassed and didn't want to lose my temper.

The head of department came into the spare office and asked me what was up. I explained what had happened and he said he was now in no-win situation. I asked why, when it was quite simple to ask everyone to move back. He then told me they had done it without his permission and he 'wasn't getting involved'.

I then said, well I am now asking you to get involved please, you're the head of department. To which he repsonded that it wasn't my decision, it was his and he wanted me to 'give it a go'. He said it would be a good thing for me and Colleague 1 to sit apart as we have been butting heads slightly lately. I said yes, but because of Colleague 1's behaviour, things like this!

I said if that was his opinion then I accept that but I didn't understand why I was the one being punished. He said I was being daft and he wanted me to give it a go but understood if I wanted to work from the spare office.

I'm extremly annoyed because he told me himself they did it without his permission and I feel that now he is attempting to make out like it is his decision because he doesn't want to reprimand Colleague 1. It is easier to make out like I am being a silly girl over a desk.

This is an open plan office, by the way. So two other departments know about it!

I feel extremely embarrased and upset about it now and I can't think straight, so need you lot to tell me if I am being silly or if I am justified in feeling that this behaviour is unprofessional and disrespectful.

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JapaneseTea · 21/03/2017 12:33

Well done! Good email!

What do you want out of the situ? Do you need these people for your day to day job? Have a think about what your goal is and can this be used to get there.

Cock1 is obv an arse and just trying it on. Fuck knows what he's trying to achieve - even he probably doesn't know.

Has anyone internally got a job you want?

Perhaps col1 was worried you might be made manager and is trying to sabotage this.

Well done on calling them on it. It is a shame you had to. But not your fault

Timeforteaplease · 21/03/2017 12:51

I agree with JapaneseTea - you need to think what you want to have happen next. Do you want the desks put back to where they were, or another outcome?

KickAssAngel · 21/03/2017 12:56

i'm another one wondering if Cock 1 has an ulterior motive - like he thinks there's a promotion coming so has to put you in your place and show himself as head cock. Or he's hoping to get a big pay rise at review time by making himself look somehow more in command than you are.

HappyGoLuckyGirl · 21/03/2017 14:07

Update.

Colleague 1 and 2 went out for a fag.

Colleague 3 came into my new shiny spare office. Asked if I was still his friend!

I said of course I'm still you're friend. Asked if he had done anything to warrant me not being his friend, he said no.

He said Colleague 1 is hell bent on staying at my desk but didn't go so far as telling me things that had been said. I don't suppose he wants to shit stir.

He asked how long I was going to stay in the spare office and I said until it is sorted out by management. He then said that given Colleague 1 is well liked by senior members of staff and I have had clashes previously, was I not worried how it would pan out! Angry

To which I replied that the Directors would have to tread very carefully as what I am experiencing amounts to workplace bullying, harrassment and discrimination because I am a woman, so they could not be seen to casually dismiss it.

I expected him to go back to his desk before Colleague 1 and 2 came back but he didn't. He stayed in my office talking to me for a good 5 minutes after they returned, so perhaps he isn't freezing me out as I had thought.

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HappyGoLuckyGirl · 21/03/2017 14:08

*Your. Obviously.

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YetAnotherSpartacus · 21/03/2017 14:14

Happy I worry for you. I've been through the same and I found that dicks stand up for dicks (unless that might impede access to knickers, if they want this) and usually, much like any other form of violence against women it is blamed on the woman. I've been in a situation where manager dick hated colleage dick but still backed him over me.

Think about looking for a different job.

I do hope that you win. In fact it will make my day. I don't bank on it however.

comedycentral · 21/03/2017 14:30

Well done to you for escalating this to your HOD properly. I am sorry that they are not supporting you with this how they should be.

tribpot · 21/03/2017 14:45

I think you should have kept your powder dry with Colleague 3, and not have mentioned harrassment or similar. The appropriate dick move now is for Colleague 1 to accuse you of bullying as well, so that it really does become a 'clash of personalities'. If he disappears from his desk this afternoon I'd lay odds he's gone to escalate things over the head of HoD whilst he's not here.

CookieLady · 21/03/2017 14:45

Good on Colleague 3. He's showing the other pricks that he's not condoning their actions.

Timeforteaplease · 21/03/2017 14:48

Cock 1 would never accuse anyone of bullying - his aim is to dominate, not to look weak.

SapphireStrange · 21/03/2017 14:50

Good on Colleague 3. He's showing the other pricks that he's not condoning their actions.

Agree with this. HoD is useless though and needs to step the hell up.

You're dealing with it brilliantly, OP.

Roomster101 · 21/03/2017 14:51

I don't know if you should have trusted colleague 3 as it is quite possible that he was on a fishing expedition to find out what is going on so he could report back to colleague 1 and 2. They all sound really childish and horrible and your manager isn't much better. It must be like working with a bunch of school children.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 21/03/2017 14:54

Also suspicious of D3...

ImperialBlether · 21/03/2017 15:02

OP, was your previous desk in a prime position? Was there any reason why that guy would specifically want your desk? There was a spare desk in the pod, wasn't there? I'm wondering why he didn't just take that one.

(I'm not saying he's justified in taking your desk if it's in a better position, just wondering what his motives are.)

HappyGoLuckyGirl · 21/03/2017 15:11

Maybe he was fishing for information, I'm not sure. But I doubt C1 could escalate this himself as I don't see what he would say. "Happy has taken offense to my bullying of her?" Hmm Plus I've already sent the email to HoD so started the paper trail and formal procedure, so any further incidents would just look like intimidation? But he has disappeared from his desk and been gone about 15 minutes or so...

The desk I was sat on is a very good desk. It's a corner desk that isn't overlooked, with a good view of the rest of the office. But C1 was given the opportunity to move to that desk 2 years ago when an old colleague left. He said he didn't want to move and was happy for me to take the desk. HoD distinctly remembers this and said so in our meeting last night.

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WhatchaMaCalllit · 21/03/2017 15:16

I'm thinking along the lines of Imperial here that the desk you were in might afford a higher degree of screen privacy for example (of your desk has walls behind where you sit) and this might be why Colleague 1 is digging his heels in.

I'd also be wary of C3 because he may appear to be all friendly but he might be the one you have to pay close attention to depending on whether he reports back to the other two.

Completely agree with Roomster that it must be like working with children.

venusinscorpio · 21/03/2017 15:30

The fact that the HoD remembers that he turned down the desk is good. It's obvious that this is about power.

Foxysoxy01 · 21/03/2017 15:31

It very much sounds like c3 was trying to get info out of you otherwise why would he have not said anything when you and C1 had words? It didn't need to be anything overtly supporting either of you but just a why don't you two chat in the other room type thing. Also with C1 now nipping off it seems like they told C3 to ask you all about it and C1 is now trying damage limitation by going to big bosses.

It's all very playground and tbh I would at this point by getting my head down in the other desk and quietly following it up with DptH.

They are being absolute wankers the lot of them!
I do think that you putting yourself into the office is letting your argument down a bit though.

HappyGoLuckyGirl · 21/03/2017 15:42

C1's car has left the car park so he left for the day.

I don't think going to the new desk would help me now, as I have already formally escalated it to my HoD. Going to the desk now would be contradictory. I will also be subjecting myself to "banter" about the whole situation that I would rather avoid.

C1's behaviour is not acceptable and I will not make him feel like it's all okay and a big joke by accepting it.

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willowtree62 · 21/03/2017 16:37

Is it usual for C1 to leave around this time or has he left early?

Giraffe31 · 21/03/2017 16:55

I'm rooting for you Happy. I think its good that you're making a stand and not letting your colleagues make you feel like its not worth the hassle

HappyGoLuckyGirl · 21/03/2017 17:02

Willow no, he usually leaves about 4.50pm but he could have gone to site or something (although unlikely) but I have not asked where he's gone.

Thanks, giraffe Half of me wants to just laugh it off and carry on as normal but I just don't have it in me to be walked over like that. Especially from someone who I regarded as a friend, who has mentored me and helped me develop my skills, who has suddenly turned nasty with no explanation.

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EweAreHere · 21/03/2017 17:22

Hopefully HofD will find his spine and do the right thing by you, which should mean you getting your desk back and apologies from the team.

AndreaKaren123 · 21/03/2017 17:29

That is terrible... I feel for you. The head of the department should step in... because not doing so is also a sign of agreeing with the move around. It is intimidating for you. Is there a union?

khajiit13 · 21/03/2017 17:32

Your HOD is letting you down. Hopefully he steps it up. It embarrassing and unprofessional on his part that he seems more keen to be seen as one of the lads and their friend than actually being their boss.

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