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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be angry at colleagues?

930 replies

HappyGoLuckyGirl · 20/03/2017 10:38

For background, I work in an extremely male dominated industry and I am the only female on the team.

In the office we sit in 'pods' of four. On pod A, there is myself and two male colleagues. On pod B there was two male colleagues, however one has just left the company.

I have just come back from 3 days annual leave to find that the colleague who sat next to me (Colleague 1) has moved all his things onto my desk and Colleague 2 who was sat on pod B is now sat at Colleague 1's desk. My things have been moved to pod B, where Colleague 2 used to sit. So now, I am sat in the middle of the office, on a pod by myself. If I had chosen to move, it wouldn't be a problem but it feels like I have been pushed out of the rest of the team and almost 'relegated' if you will.

I asked them to move my desk back and then left to get a coffee. I came back and Colleague 1 smirked and said I should sit down at my 'new' desk. I gathered my things and came to sit in the spare office, as I felt angry and embarrassed and didn't want to lose my temper.

The head of department came into the spare office and asked me what was up. I explained what had happened and he said he was now in no-win situation. I asked why, when it was quite simple to ask everyone to move back. He then told me they had done it without his permission and he 'wasn't getting involved'.

I then said, well I am now asking you to get involved please, you're the head of department. To which he repsonded that it wasn't my decision, it was his and he wanted me to 'give it a go'. He said it would be a good thing for me and Colleague 1 to sit apart as we have been butting heads slightly lately. I said yes, but because of Colleague 1's behaviour, things like this!

I said if that was his opinion then I accept that but I didn't understand why I was the one being punished. He said I was being daft and he wanted me to give it a go but understood if I wanted to work from the spare office.

I'm extremly annoyed because he told me himself they did it without his permission and I feel that now he is attempting to make out like it is his decision because he doesn't want to reprimand Colleague 1. It is easier to make out like I am being a silly girl over a desk.

This is an open plan office, by the way. So two other departments know about it!

I feel extremely embarrased and upset about it now and I can't think straight, so need you lot to tell me if I am being silly or if I am justified in feeling that this behaviour is unprofessional and disrespectful.

OP posts:
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venusinscorpio · 20/03/2017 20:39

Try it with several white people ganging up on a black person.

legoqueen · 20/03/2017 20:42

No advice OP but Flowers it is outrageous that this attitude is seen as acceptable by senior management. Completely depressing....well done for getting through a crap day with dignity.

JapaneseTea · 20/03/2017 20:42

Also in a way, he's done you a favour, now you know he's a bullying arse and can have some fun with him.

You don't have to pretend to get on with him anymore or laugh at his jokes. Make him the problem one. If he loses you to bully he will start on someone else.

mycavitiesareempty · 20/03/2017 20:50

Just because the people involved are men does not make it sexual harassment.

EweAreHere · 20/03/2017 20:54

Your HofD isn't much of a Head. Clearly, he wants an easy life and is afraid of being seen as to be taking sides, even though Col1 is clearly in the wrong here.

What a useless twit.

PuppyMonkey · 20/03/2017 21:00

Oh. Was hoping after all that that the HoD would step in, but it's ending up that, erm, you're going to talk to Colleague 1 and sort it yourself? Confused

melissasummerfield · 20/03/2017 21:02

I am a HR manager - please ignore the replies saying you shouldnt speak to HR!! Speak to someone, you are being isolated and bullied and that is not okay, especially if its based on your gender! Your manager needs to grow a pair, i would be telling him that if he worked in my organisation.

WorknameJimEllis · 20/03/2017 21:08

Just a thought regarding the training contract. I'm tied in to my job in a similar way. And I've discovered a few ways round it

At a couple of job interviews recently I made buying me out of the training agreement part of my negotiations. And it wasn't a big problem. So don't think you are stuck, if a new employer wants you, they will pay.

Also, my current employer has been tested on this recently, and it was found that they can't ask for the fees back as a lump sum. Way too much, so if you do go, negotiate terms £50 per month or something.

Finally, check your contract, our training fees owing is pro rata to the time since qualifying, so if you are tied in for 5 years and it's been 2 and a half then you would only owe half anyway.

Good luck dealing with your twatty colleagues. I work in construction 99% of the guys are great and genuinely want to see the industry move away from being stale male and pale. And the 1% are just utter monumental cocks.

venusinscorpio · 20/03/2017 21:16

Just because the people involved are men does not make it sexual harassment.

You could say that about any form of harassment involving people ganging up on someone with a protected characteristic. They have to take it seriously.

PuppyMonkey · 20/03/2017 21:32

Melissa, there's no HR department - I think that's been mentioned about 40,000 times so far on the thread.

melissasummerfield · 20/03/2017 21:42

Puppymonkey so pleased you have hours to read 12 pages of a thread, i am at work and sadly dont have time.. thanks for being so nice to let me know.

HappyGoLuckyGirl · 20/03/2017 21:45

Yes, Puppy apparently so.

I don't think I want to involve HoD as he has just said that he will move everyone and whilst seemingly 'fair' it doesn't actually deal with the issue at hand, it more or less treats it as though we are a bunch of squabbling children and "if you can't play nice, no one will play".

He wouldn't actually be reprimandinhmg Colleague 1, he would be moving everyone around so we all have to mess about!

OP posts:
HappyGoLuckyGirl · 20/03/2017 21:45

Reprimanding! Hmm

OP posts:
PuppyMonkey · 20/03/2017 21:49

Unless he moves everyone around in a fiendishly clever way so you're back in the original spot! Wink

daisychain01 · 20/03/2017 21:53

please ignore the replies saying you shouldnt speak to HR!!

We have a new "Cancel the cheque" good, it was beginning to wear a bit thin

Speak to HR!

PuppyMonkey · 20/03/2017 22:02

Daisy - you should have better things to do than actually read the thread. Shame on you.

Kyyria · 20/03/2017 22:05

We are a small business (20 employees). We don't have an HR department - I am the manager and as such am jack of all trades. I have access to a HR consultant and the one thing she tells me is to follow up every conversation with a brief email outlining what was said. Great if you need it later as no dispute as to what was said and they can't then wriggle out saying they didn't know.

I am also annoyed as to if he is annoyed with colleague 1 for instigating such shit, then why the he'll hasn't he had colleague 1 in his office and tear a strip off him.

I also advocate for not meeting colleague 1 on your own. Whatever happens will be your word against his.

Really sorry you have ever to put up with these arses.

tribpot · 20/03/2017 22:06

So HoD isn't even offering to host a meeting in which you can ask Colleague1 to move in front of the boss, i.e. in a situation where it is significantly more embarrassing for him to say no? He really is spineless isn't he?

daisychain01 · 20/03/2017 22:06

I think the joke must have passed you by!

PuppyMonkey · 20/03/2017 22:14

Who me Daisy? i got the joke honest, i was being sarky re Melissa's earlier comment to me.Smile

DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 20/03/2017 22:16

Blimey, I really feel for you. Your Manager is spineless!

I would follow up today's conversation via email to your Manager, tell him you have thought about what was said (outline it) and then say you believe he needs to stand in now and move colleague 1 so you can have your desk back.

What I would really do is arrive super early tomorrow and take the desk back including the Minnie Mouse mug!

EBearhug · 21/03/2017 00:49

Good luck for tomorrow - I suspect you'll need it, because I don't get the impression Colleague 1 will turn round and say, "you're right, I've been an idiot, it's gone beyond a joke, very sorry, let's switch the desks back now."

Longer term, is there some sort of organisation for women in construction? I work in IT and women in tech events save y sanity. Also, I ask HR and the CEO and others what they are planning to do to improve the culture at ground level - it's all very well sending managers and execs on unconscious bias training, but that's not who creates the culture most of us experience on a daily basis. Besides, not all of them get it. Have recently tried to explain the concept of death by a thousand cuts (or total disillusionment by a thousand microaggressions) but obviously I'm being over-sensitive and it's not that bad really. And compared with bullying like you're experiencing, it isn't, but it still has a cumulative effect.

I figure if I'm going to be seen as an awkward woman, might as well be in for a penny as a pound, and so asking the CEO, the international head of HR, the EMEA head of HR, my director on an all-hands call... What are they doing to ensure the values they're trying to set at the top filter all the way down?

It's different if you've only got 60ish employees - but there are acknowledged difficulties with employing women in construction - my FB page has lately been spammed with ads featuring women in construction saying what a great career it is - but like IT and engineering, I bet it's very dependent on which company and department you're in. The men in these industries all have a part to play in improving the culture. Some are doing a good job. Don't ever feel bad about challenging the rest of them about it.

Dumdedumdedum · 21/03/2017 03:45

Daisy, Puppy - please read the full thread, I did "cancel the cheque" pages ago WinkGrin

daisychain01 · 21/03/2017 03:55

Hey fair do's I'll give you that one dumdedum Grin it was tempting tho wasnt it.

Dumdedumdedum · 21/03/2017 04:02

Ooops, sorry, OP. Just to wish you luck for today - I reiterate about sending an email to confirm your last evening's conversation with the HoD. I'm not sure about talking directly to Colleague 1 by yourself, though, but a bit of an awkward conversation to have with witnesses, also.
If I were you, I would take great hope from what WorknameJimEllis says about changing companies whilst still repaying fees under a training contract, and investigate a new job in a company with a better work environment for women, rather than having to stick it out with these idiots.
Good luck today.

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