AIBU to be angry at colleagues?

[HappyGoLuckyGirl]

For background, I work in an extremely male dominated industry and I am the only female on the team.

In the office we sit in 'pods' of four. On pod A, there is myself and two male colleagues. On pod B there was two male colleagues, however one has just left the company.

I have just come back from 3 days annual leave to find that the colleague who sat next to me (Colleague 1) has moved all his things onto my desk and Colleague 2 who was sat on pod B is now sat at Colleague 1's desk. My things have been moved to pod B, where Colleague 2 used to sit. So now, I am sat in the middle of the office, on a pod by myself. If I had chosen to move, it wouldn't be a problem but it feels like I have been pushed out of the rest of the team and almost 'relegated' if you will.

I asked them to move my desk back and then left to get a coffee. I came back and Colleague 1 smirked and said I should sit down at my 'new' desk. I gathered my things and came to sit in the spare office, as I felt angry and embarrassed and didn't want to lose my temper.

The head of department came into the spare office and asked me what was up. I explained what had happened and he said he was now in no-win situation. I asked why, when it was quite simple to ask everyone to move back. He then told me they had done it without his permission and he 'wasn't getting involved'.

I then said, well I am now asking you to get involved please, you're the head of department. To which he repsonded that it wasn't my decision, it was his and he wanted me to 'give it a go'. He said it would be a good thing for me and Colleague 1 to sit apart as we have been butting heads slightly lately. I said yes, but because of Colleague 1's behaviour, things like this!

I said if that was his opinion then I accept that but I didn't understand why I was the one being punished. He said I was being daft and he wanted me to give it a go but understood if I wanted to work from the spare office.

I'm extremly annoyed because he told me himself they did it without his permission and I feel that now he is attempting to make out like it is his decision because he doesn't want to reprimand Colleague 1. It is easier to make out like I am being a silly girl over a desk.

This is an open plan office, by the way. So two other departments know about it!

I feel extremely embarrased and upset about it now and I can't think straight, so need you lot to tell me if I am being silly or if I am justified in feeling that this behaviour is unprofessional and disrespectful.

What a shower of cunts. I've always worked in construction and have never been treated this way. Hoping for a good outcome, OP!

😡😡😡 I'm raging for you !

Hope you hod grows a set & sorts them out

It's worse that they 'joked' about doing it before hand !

Document everything / dates times & details of what was said & who was there

I was bullied by a boss before & while he didn't get punished for bullying, he didn't get away with changing my contract or hours like he wanted to & I was a thorn in his side at meetings for years as I was able to refer back to me detailed notes 😊

Thanks for everyone's comments, it's nice to know I'm not being a mard arse.

Had an informal chat with my HoD. Said I wasn't happy with this seating change and Colleague 1 in particular.

He admitted he is bewildered as much as me, as he thought of Colleague 1 and I as friends and can't fathom anything that could have brought on this change in behaviour.

He admitted that it was very concerning that Colleague 1 had intentionally done it to cause me upset, as I specifically told him not to move my desk before going on hol.

He suggested either 1) I approach an informal chat with Colleague 1 2) he calls an informal meeting with us both to see if there is an issue which needs to be dealt with or 3) get Director involved via grievance route.

I said I will approach Colleague 1 tomorrow and ask if he minds a quiet word. I will then ask if there is a problem between him and I that I should know about / is causing friction. If he says yes, hopefully the rest will follow. If he says no, there's no problem then I will tell him he hs acted unprofessionally and inappropriately, I am not willing to entertain the 'joke' and I would like him to remove his belongings from my desk so I can move back.

HoD said if he doesn't give me my desk back willingly then he will just move us all about 'as it's the only fair option'.

I challenged him on this and said I could understand that solution if we were both arguing over an unused desk but as Colleague 1 just took over my desk, could he not be told to move back. He said this isn't something he would do, he would just get everyone to move.

So looks like I'm not getting my desk back unless Colleague 1 willingly vacates. Which I'm not sure will happen.

HoD also said he was very annoyed with Colleague 1's behaviour as it was causing him hassle he didn't want. He also praised my restraint and behaviour in the office today, given that perhaps 2 years ago I would have teared a blistering strip off colleague and possibly got myself in trouble

Glad you manager thought better of it and stepped up to his managerial duties.

Fingers crossed for a sensible response from your colleague tomorrow which avoids wasting any more of your time.

Phew, glad your manager is finally stepping up. Well, sort of, don't see why he can't chuck Colleague 1 off the desk. Hope all goes well tomorrow OP.

OP it sounds as though you've got a route to pursue now but I would also make sure you document it all by sending your manager an email setting out what he said to you. Do it in a 'thanks for your support' way

'Dear (Maurice), thanks so much for your time this evening to discuss this baffling situation. As you suggested I'm going to raise it informally with (fuckwit 1) tomorrow and if that does not produce a positive result it would be great to pursue your suggestion of option 2 - having a meeting between the three of us. I really appreciate your support in saying that if necessary you will then move to step 3 and involve (director).
I appreciate this is a headache you don't need and neither do I so I hope we can resolve this with as little hassle as possible.
Look forward to (something about work) !
(Your only female member of staff who is sick of having to sort out men's shit)

He didn't step up to his managerial duties though did he? That would involve telling your colleague to pull his head in,and that he is heading towards a formal bullying charge and dismissal. Moving your desk on you after being asked not to would fall within this definition quite clearly.

The reason I suggest sending such an email btw is because you need to document your efforts to resolve it and that you are following management instructions. In case fuckwit #1 reacts badly and your manager turns round and says 'well I told her to leave it'.

That sounds like an acceptable outcome with the exception of the bit about your HoD refusing to step up and manage the desk issue.

If you do end up having to take this further (and I would suggest trying everything you reasonable can without being a mug) then you could also cite your HoD's attitude in your account but if you can deal with this and be seen to be dealing with this yourself that will turn this sorry episode to your advantage and may well knock all this childish behaviour on the head.

And if it doesn't you can up the ante then.

Good luck

Yes definitely send an email summarising your conversation in a positive tone.

I don't think I would have a chat with Colleague 1 on your own. This is a departmental problem, as your HoD has acknowledged. Personally I would go for option 2, not least to have a witness but also to make clear this isn't some personality clash between two peers. This is bullying by one party.

I can understand the reaction of HoD that if Colleague 1 won't vacate the desk willingly he will make sure neither of you has it. It is unfair but it neutralises the issue. He should also tell the team that he expects you will all sit together on one pod until such time as you replace the guy who left, at which point it will be a 3+2 to avoid one person being left on their own. And he will assign desks, there will be no discussion about it.

Whatever you do, follow it up in writing to your HoD.

i agree with tribpot - meet colleague 1 with hod, not on your own. keep it factual and unemotional.

colleague 1 is a total tool and he looks it too.

Agree you should definitely record the conversation took place in an email.

What a shower. Imagine how much more productime and profitable the company would be if it were properly managed by people without testicles

FWIW I do not think this is about desks at all and I think making it about desks is really not helping.

If I were you I'd consider saying as much to your Dickhead #1 tomorrow:

"I can see to you this is just about desks. To me this is about you trying to push me around. It makes me feel like you are trying to control me and undermine me. I do not appreciate that"

"From tomorrow I will be sitting back at my usual desk. Good we have been able to sort this out. Bye"

And stick to your

Absolutely no negotiation.

Your boss, if the spineless twat has any sense, will know you are not to be messed with in future and you can sort out your own battles.

Send a record of the conversation as you remember it to your HOD.

Say that on reflection you feel option 1 is not appropriate in these circumstances and you would prefer to go directly to option 2.

Don't meet with Colleague 1 without a witness.

I'd also be inclined to point out that the desk issue is not the main point.

WIW I do not think this is about desks at all and I think making it about desks is really not helping.

If I were you I'd consider saying as much to your Dickhead #1 tomorrow:

I can see to you this is just about desks. To me this is about you trying to push me around. It makes me feel like you are trying to control me and undermine me. I do not appreciate that"

This.

If you think that colleague 1 is bullying you because of your gender you need to state this. Do not let management get away with treating this as a mere personality clash - difficult woman etc etc.

I wonder if you should post in legal.

Definitely workplace bullying. If you have a HR department then raise it with them asap and document by emails to HoD everything you do. As others have said, don't meet Colleague 1 alone. That advice is because (unless that conversation goes bizarrely brilliantly), once you've had that conversation/row, the problem is then seen as you have both had an argument / both at fault in some way and it doesn't look like the bullying it is. Also he might lie about what you say and you would have no proof.

Well, that's a little bit of progress.

Agree with all above posters- meet colleague with HoD not alone, email to document conversation that took place today, and reinforce that the issue is bigger than just desks- being turfed out of your desk is just the mechanism he has used in older to achieve his real goal, which is to belitttle and humiliate you because you are a woman.

I would include the request for HoD to be at the meeting in your email.

I don't understand how this can be evidenced to be sex discrimination but maybe I am missing something about legal niceties.

YANBU - maybe have a quiet chat to your HR department and get their advice

Or sexual harassment for that matter. Harassment yes but not sexual Harassment.

It's not sex discrimination it's harassment on the grounds of sex, as a protected characteristic. All the people involved are men apart from OP.

Bastards!

1. follow up in a short factual email
2. ask Colleague 1 if he will move back. 'Hi John, I didn't want to move desks, shall we move them back now or later today? But in front of witnesses.
3. unless Cock1 says 'yes let's do it now, sorry for being an idiot' then move to chat with HOD.

Treat Cock1 like a wilful toddler who is a bit thick, not an equal.

Similar happened to me at work, I liked everything else about my job so used the opportunity to just go off and do my own stuff, with HOD tactic approval. Do you even need Cock1 and the rest of the team?