To think no, I wasn't in a strop, I was just sick of being insulted.

[HarrietKettleWasHere]

My brother and his wife had a baby a few days ago. It's my parents' first grandchild, my first time as an Auntie. First chance I've had to get to see my new nephew was today so I got the train up (live 200 or so miles away)

My mum and I do not get on, I tend to keep my distance, so I wasn't really thrilled to see her car parked outside their house when I got there. In fact my brother's wife's parents were there aswell, as were her siblings, and my stepdad, it was an unofficial wet-the-baby's head thing that I had known nothing about. Anyway I was really excited to meet my new nephew- my brother's was holding him and he was awake so she asked me if I'd like a cuddle. As she went to pass him to me my mum says in front of everybody 'oh for God's sake be careful, don't know if this is a good idea, you've always been cack-handed (??) and clumsy, don't drop him!!' Then proceeded to make comments such as 'Does it feel weird to you holding a little baby, you probably don't feel anything do you, never expressed any interest in babies have you' and when he made a tiny grizzle said 'oh you better give him back, he's probably sensed you don't like babies!'.

I sort of laughed it off. Really awkwardly. But she wouldn't stop. i'd bought him a little baby romper suit thing but got that wrong aswell because I'd bought the 3-6 months and not the 0-3 (didn't I know he was a newborn??) when my brother asked if I'd like to hold him again she piped up that I was probably only just 'recovering' from having to hold an actual live baby the first time.

She always makes me feel like shit anyway and I can't do anything right I ended up leaving early and drinking a couple of gin and tonic at the station and mooching about as I had an advance ticket that I couldn't use for a couple of hours. My mum said I was 'stropping' off as I couldn't take a joke. Wanted a nice pic of me holding the baby but I just look awkward and nervous.

FWIW I do like babies. DP and I have discussed having our own in the next couple of years. He knows what my mum is like and tried to persuade me not to go up there without him for support but he was working today and I got too excited and I thought my mum would be nice for once since it was a happy event. Stupid of me. I should have stood up for myself and I'm kicking myself now but I didn't want to cause a scene. She has MAJOR form for making me feel like shit but can't she just leave me be just once? Unless I can see my brother and his wife and the baby away from her I don't think I'll bother going up there for a while.

Thinking about it she's probably driving them nuts to by being 'on hand'. She only lives down the road and doesn't work so is apparently there every single day.

[Algebraic]

One of my least favourite things, veiled insults that one is supposed to take as a joke. Aren't jokes meant to be funny? sounds horrid :(

[Italiangreyhound]

SomewhatIdiosyncratic excellent advice... 'establish boundaries both directly with her and with relatives'

Strygil I am so sorry to hear of your experiences but totally admire that you managed to turn things around. Well done.

[TwoDogs9]

What a horror your mother sounds!! As for buying 3-6 month old clothes, that's what everyone does! In fact we got lots of sizes even bigger than that when our DS was born in Jan. It must be hard but try to ignore her and forget what she said. If it's any consolation I bet everyone there thought badly of her and not you. Maybe she says these things in a desperate attempt to try and make you broody because she wants you to have kids? My Mum often said callous things about having babies to my sister (who didn't have her first until she was 42). I feel sorry for your SIL having her there every day!!

[Ticketybootoo]

I think you behaved very selflessly and I empathisize . My parents had the knack of making me feel bad about myself for years and it wasn't good . You may find that things change as they get older - they certainly have with mine as my sibling never invites them over and he was the blue eyed boy so they are much more pleasant to me .


Your SiI will get fed up I agree with Tiptoe that there may end up being some home truths spoken between her and you Mother .

Invite them down or arrange to see them without her there if you can and Good Luck ! 💐

[Heathen4Hire]

There may be an ally in your SIL. Do you get along? Are you/could you be friends?

Maybe arrange Skype sessions with your SIL and Db so you can see DN. If you can ally yourself with SIL, make sure she sends you lots of photos. Not as good as a cuddle, but it helps.

And get them to visit you! Spend time together without your mother in the park or at a cafe or zoo.

My niece and nephew are 12 and 13 and I still buy them clothes to grow into! My SIL gives me DNeice's good cast offs to my DD. It works!

[Esspee]

You mentioned earlier that you dread your wedding because of how your mum might behave. You don't need to invite her! I would go off and get married on a tropical island and celebrate afterwards with people you care about.

[coulditbeforever]

Firstly, it was great you made time to visit your new nephew, lots of people buy 3-6 month old clothes for newborns as they get so many 0-3 months, it's difficult to get the wear out of them and some only get worn once. IMO you were the one being the grown up, your mother on the other hand only embarrassed herself and In front of your SIL's family. It's a shame you had to leave early, maybe you could visit again when your mums not around or invite your bro, wife and nephew to stay over sometime. Good luck OP 💐

[nanof7]

HarrietKettlewashere, I want to just hug you...your story has brought tears to my eyes; nodody...NOBODY! has the right to make you feel so bad; I know it's your mother (and I am controlling myself here), but even relatives can be mean and your mother is spiteful; she is precisely the person who has the responsibility to nurture you (even as an adult), accept you as you are, validate you as an individual, valuable human being - warts and all; it seemed to me, reading your story, that your brother and SIL were sympathetic and trying to introduce your new nephew in that precious, special moment to you, and your mother's awful behaviour (I mean the way she acted that day) spoilt it; you haven't asked for advice, but please forgive me. Please go back and have cuddles with your baby nephew alone - ensure you mother is not there (or anybody else) and so you can have time to talk to your brother and SIL about the baby. Parents of new babies are often brimming with pride and love and you will have alot to talk about and share. I have that feeling that I need to cry - I haven't read something so moving and painful for a long long time. God bless you. Go back! You sound like you will be the loveliest Aunty ever because of your love and enthusiasm; I have children, grandchildren and lots of nephews and nieces and they absolutely love visitors and they absolutely love and treasure their Aunties, Uncles and extended family, because babies and children recognise love and will pay you back in buckets full. I remember when I was small, I absolutely loved when my aunties and uncles came round and made a big fuss of me and their 'reward' is now (I am 62 and my lovely aunt must be well into her 80s - I am too shy to ask her; in her time and culture it was not polite to ask senior people their age! She is precious because she is the last of her generation in our family), I still love and care for my remaining aunt and uncle and still remember the fun we had with them when I was little and keep in contact with her, and give her all of the love and affection she deserves. Good luck - I hope your spirits perck up.

[nanof7]

And yes, by the way, most sensible aunties, nannies etc buy the next size up because new borns usually have loads and loads of 0-3 month clothes; It is handy for mum's to have lots of baby grows, dungarees, vests and teeshirts when babes start dribbling, learning to feed and start crawling! Your SIL will guide you as you get to know your new baby nephew - I ask my DILs what they would like or find handy. My sister gave me a good handy tip - buy a little something special for the babe's mum - a little luxury that she might like.

[HarrietKettleWasHere]

nanof7 thank you for your really kind words. You sound lovely and your family are very lucky to have you I was also very close to my Auntie growing up as she was a wonderful compassionate woman who showered us with affection and I thought she'd be around a lot longer than she was. Sadly wasn't the case and I miss her every day.
I will plan a day soon to brave another visit to my hometown and hopefully my mum will leave me in peace this time. He's a beautiful baby, I would love to hold him properly and be able to relax while I was there. Good tip about a present for SIL- I'll have a think!

For the PP asking about my Dad...him and my mum have been divorced since I was 9. He still lives near her though. He sort of rolls his eyes a bit and says 'that's just what she's like' if I talk to him about her but I do get the impression he thinks I should just accept the way she is for the sake of peace. I know he knew how horrible she was to me at times while I was growing up (saying I looked chubby while I was getting ready for the disco at school, her saying I was useless on sports day, telling me I looked awkward in my dance show and so and so was so much better..) but he never wants to talk about it and says it's in the past and I'm a grown up now so I should move on. Trouble is, I still feel like that little girl desperately seeking approval but never ever being even close to being good enough. It's had a huge impact on my self esteem. I'm sure it's the reason I never pushed myself at uni, or in my job, or anything really, because I don't believe in myself and would rather stay in the background so no one notices if I mess up.... sorry for rambling.

I would love to forge a relationship with SIL- never felt like I had much of a chance as I've been living far away ever since they've been together and I am never in my hometown for very long because of my mum. My mum is so overbearing at family gatherings it's difficult! I am going to try as I would love to get to know her better.

[LagunaBubbles]

I even slightly dread my own (at the moment hypothetical!) wedding day because of how she might make me feel sad

You dont need to have her there. I know you will think thats easier said than done but if and when that day comes she will spoil the memories for you without a doubt. I would seriously think about some form of therapy to address your relationship with her and the effects it had on you psychologically.

You will never win, the clothes size is a smokescreen - if you had bought newborn she would more than likely have criticised you for that "dont you know everyone buys that size, they will have far too many and it will never be worn, you should have thought and bought the next size up"!

[dstill1964]

Maybe a note explaining things to your brother. I can understand why you are keeping a distance, think your Mother probably showed herself up there to be honest. I always buy bigger sizes for baby gifts as tend to get a lot of small baby stuff. X

[RaspberryOverloadsOnChilli]

Your dad is just as bad as your mum.

He should have protected you but didn't, preferring instead to let you get the abuse from your mum instead of him. He's still enabling her abuse of you by trying to persuade you to just roll over and accept it.

[Touchmybum]

I'm so sorry about your aunt, and your dad is to blame as well. I really hope you have a good, supportive DP because you deserve it x

Your dad couldn't put up with her, I'm assuming?

Develop your relationship with your brother, SIL and nephew separate to your parents.

[Italiangreyhound]

Please OP get councelling. You will never get what you want from your mum.

Your dad failed you too.

You need to get some counselling and assertiveness training and in the meantime go low contact with your mum.

Read the grey rock stuff and see if you can keep her at bay long enough to get assertive.

Honestly, keeping silent, pretending she has not hurt you, all of that is potentually going to ruin your mental health.

Look what she has already done to you.

Get strong and then stop taking shit. But you need help to do this.

So fucking what the size bof baby ouyfitt you brought! You didn't turn up with an age 15 anorak! It's none of your mum's business.

Honestly, I am worried you will end up just leaning on your Dh and never getting free of your mum. You can do it but you need help to build you up.

Yes, get to know nephew. Get to know SIL.

But most of all, get to know YOU! You are awesome and powerful. You have so much to experience and give and explore.

Stuck under the black sticky tar of your mother's negativity and criticism and still you shine as a lovely person.

Imagine how much lighter you will feel when you are free of her.

[GreatAuntMary]

I could hear my mother's voice in your original post, Harriet - nightmare.

I tried everything (including the tactics PPs here are suggesting) over many years, including counselling (me alone - you can imagine the sort of response I got when I suggested Mother joined in...). Nothing worked because Mother didn't want or need it to work.

As for setting boundaries, it's just not possible. Your mother, like mine, will take delight in pooh poohing them and promptly walking over them.

NC IS (as Happy said) the answer - and the best ever present you can give yourself.

Yes, family members (and even casual bystanders...) will try to pressure you into resuming contact and will even try to make it out as your fault - as of course will your mother. Just be strong and ignore ("This is not open for discussion") and they'll eventually stop.

And you will be free and, believe me, it's the very best feeling in the world.

[Corialanusburt]

You've done brilliantly to survive a mum like that.
Make sure to organise some private visits to SIL and the less you see of your mum the better.

[toomuchtooold]

My mum sent me a message this morning saying it was a shame I couldn't be a bit warmer and more exited towards the baby and she is wonweribg if I have a chip on my shoulder due to the fact that my younger brother is married and has had a baby when I'm older and 'nowhere near that stage

Yeah, when you're the scapegoat, the explanation for every aspect of your behaviour is the one that puts them in the best light and you in the worst.
You'd be very welcome over on Stately Homes where there's a whole pack of us with mothers like yours.

[HmmmHelp]

She sounds bloody awful, OP, sorry.

You did the right thing buying a bigger size. Babies grow so fast, they'll be glad not to see another tiny babygro that won't fit in a couple of weeks time.

Your mum was trying to deliberately show you up in front of everyone - does she do this a lot? It's passive aggressive behaviour that I cannot stand. Hope you're OK. Congratulations on becoming an aunty.

[biggles50]

That's so mean of your mum, who makes rude comments about well intentioned gifts and about their own daughter. A good idea that you arrange to visit next time when the coast is clear. Don't let her pull you down, next time she says you can't take a joke say yes I can, you're so funny Mum, tell everyone your hilarious joke again.

[Italiangreyhound]

GreatAuntMary well done for getting free.

Can you tell us what made you decide to do it and how it worked.

I read about so many people with abusive mums, and abusive partners, and it does seem to take a long time for them to break free.

Any tips (just curious, this is not about me, my mum is no longer alive and we got on fine but I see and hear so much pain on here from mums).

[Italiangreyhound]

from the influence of bad mums, I mean.

[SanitysSake]

OP - your Mum and my Mum should go on playdates. For real...

Keep strong, lovely.

[carbonate]

Dear HarrietKettleWasHere I so feel for you. Take a look at this website - www.myhorridparent.com/. This is a condition your mum has and is nothing to do with you or who you are. You sound like a very considerate person and a really lovely auntie. Build on all the positives like your partner who seems supportive and your SIL and brother who seem to know your M is a piece of work! Stay strong, lay off the drink when she starts, and carry on being who you are.

[Nellyphants]

Re her message that you have a chip on your shoulder, what works for me with spiteful comments like this is ....'you're probably right'. It takes the wind out of their sails