My brother and his wife had a baby a few days ago. It's my parents' first grandchild, my first time as an Auntie. First chance I've had to get to see my new nephew was today so I got the train up (live 200 or so miles away)
My mum and I do not get on, I tend to keep my distance, so I wasn't really thrilled to see her car parked outside their house when I got there. In fact my brother's wife's parents were there aswell, as were her siblings, and my stepdad, it was an unofficial wet-the-baby's head thing that I had known nothing about. Anyway I was really excited to meet my new nephew- my brother's was holding him and he was awake so she asked me if I'd like a cuddle. As she went to pass him to me my mum says in front of everybody 'oh for God's sake be careful, don't know if this is a good idea, you've always been cack-handed (??) and clumsy, don't drop him!!' Then proceeded to make comments such as 'Does it feel weird to you holding a little baby, you probably don't feel anything do you, never expressed any interest in babies have you' and when he made a tiny grizzle said 'oh you better give him back, he's probably sensed you don't like babies!'.
I sort of laughed it off. Really awkwardly. But she wouldn't stop. i'd bought him a little baby romper suit thing but got that wrong aswell because I'd bought the 3-6 months and not the 0-3 (didn't I know he was a newborn??) when my brother asked if I'd like to hold him again she piped up that I was probably only just 'recovering' from having to hold an actual live baby the first time.
She always makes me feel like shit anyway and I can't do anything right 
I ended up leaving early and drinking a couple of gin and tonic at the station and mooching about as I had an advance ticket that I couldn't use for a couple of hours. My mum said I was 'stropping' off as I couldn't take a joke. Wanted a nice pic of me holding the baby but I just look awkward and nervous.
FWIW I do like babies. DP and I have discussed having our own in the next couple of years. He knows what my mum is like and tried to persuade me not to go up there without him for support but he was working today and I got too excited and I thought my mum would be nice for once since it was a happy event. Stupid of me. I should have stood up for myself and I'm kicking myself now but I didn't want to cause a scene. She has MAJOR form for making me feel like shit but can't she just leave me be just once? Unless I can see my brother and his wife and the baby away from her I don't think I'll bother going up there for a while.
Thinking about it she's probably driving them nuts to by being 'on hand'. She only lives down the road and doesn't work so is apparently there every single day.
AIBU?
To think no, I wasn't in a strop, I was just sick of being insulted.
HarrietKettleWasHere · 19/03/2017 18:18
Well done. I'm so glad you avoided her calls - absolutely brilliant 
Marmaduke 
Plans for Mother's Day.... I'll be doing my aerobic class in the morning, then DP and are going for a long walk and will hopefully end up at a pub (one of those not peddling Mother's Day lunches) for one or two before heading to the cinema. He doesn't do anything to celebrate his mum either- she left when he was a teenager and has only flitted in and out briefly since.
Trying to fill my time until the backlash is unleashed. In previous years I have done a lot for her. I surprised her by getting the train back and taking her out for lunch a couple of years ago. She made sure all her friends knew about it on Facebook but didn't really talk to me much throughout the meal. It really is clear that she doesn't enjoy my company in any way at all
But this year and last I've only done a card. No gushy false sentiments. It won't go down well as they'll be nothing for her to brag about on Facebook.
Am fully expecting to receive plenty of flack for not baking a big fuss of her 'like other people's daughters' as she said last year
Oh my god, we must have the same mother.
This is insane. She treats you like dirt, and then expects to be treated like the queen for mother's day.
I always used to get 'x's daughter bought her a trip to ', or 'y's daughter got her (something very expensive again), how thoughtful of her, what a lovely daughter'
The one sure fire way to send a message to your mother, would be to completely ignore mother's day. She does not deserve to be recognised, or celebrated.
on your behalf. I regrettably spent a small fortune on my own mother, but it was never good enough.
Now mother's day is all about me me me, and I love it
I honestly wouldn't even bother with Mothers Day. Why go through the motions with someone who clearly doesn't like you?
I'm also 
that she would even make demands as to the level of mothers day effort you make.
Ugh I mean 'next'... excuse all the other typos 
OP, I can certainly empathise with you and think you sound lovely. I've been in some very similar situations. I'm really pleased that you can see how unhealthy your mum's behaviour is. She must be very unhappy to treat you like that.
I would def suggest limiting contact and reading up on 'grey rock' responses and narcissism generally. (Whether she is one or not, I've found this helpful.)
I have also found it helpful to imagine that the person is doing a weird dance. I can just watch it. Maybe look a bit confused. Tell myself it's just them doing that weird dance they do - nothing to do with me at all.
You could also look at your phone settings, see if you can make it so your mum's calls go straight to voicemail. That way, you can play them, or not, when it suits you, rather than being caught off guard.
Another idea: You could tell/text her explicitly that, if she keeps criticising you and communicating with you in a disrespectful manner, you will block her calls. If she ever brings this up, just repeat the same thing. Be really boring and factual about this. Make it clear that you won't tolerate anything less than respectful communication.
But mostly, I would recommend that you focus on building your own inner store of strength, peace and happiness. From there, I think it becomes easier to deal with any barbs.
Good luck with it all! 
No one ever seems to stand up to these people.
It's always 'you know what she's like' followed by roll eyes.
My brothers never stood up for me. My father was just as much responsible as she was.
If you confront them, life gets worse. They HATE to be challenged.
They can't be argued with, reasoned with, or changed.
It's best just to leave. Easier said than done of course. But, it is best just to leave. These people lack the basic emotion of empathy. So highlighting how much they've hurt you, won't do diddly squat, except actually make them happier.
but true
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Also this book will really help with the conversations you have about the situation in your head and with her. It's "'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward", I think exxerpts have been posted on Stately homes (see post above) in January 2010. It'll give you a voice and allow you to put her behaviour front and centre in front of her without you turning into a screaming banshee (I wouldn't blame you at all!).
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