To think no, I wasn't in a strop, I was just sick of being insulted.

[HarrietKettleWasHere]

My brother and his wife had a baby a few days ago. It's my parents' first grandchild, my first time as an Auntie. First chance I've had to get to see my new nephew was today so I got the train up (live 200 or so miles away)

My mum and I do not get on, I tend to keep my distance, so I wasn't really thrilled to see her car parked outside their house when I got there. In fact my brother's wife's parents were there aswell, as were her siblings, and my stepdad, it was an unofficial wet-the-baby's head thing that I had known nothing about. Anyway I was really excited to meet my new nephew- my brother's was holding him and he was awake so she asked me if I'd like a cuddle. As she went to pass him to me my mum says in front of everybody 'oh for God's sake be careful, don't know if this is a good idea, you've always been cack-handed (??) and clumsy, don't drop him!!' Then proceeded to make comments such as 'Does it feel weird to you holding a little baby, you probably don't feel anything do you, never expressed any interest in babies have you' and when he made a tiny grizzle said 'oh you better give him back, he's probably sensed you don't like babies!'.

I sort of laughed it off. Really awkwardly. But she wouldn't stop. i'd bought him a little baby romper suit thing but got that wrong aswell because I'd bought the 3-6 months and not the 0-3 (didn't I know he was a newborn??) when my brother asked if I'd like to hold him again she piped up that I was probably only just 'recovering' from having to hold an actual live baby the first time.

She always makes me feel like shit anyway and I can't do anything right I ended up leaving early and drinking a couple of gin and tonic at the station and mooching about as I had an advance ticket that I couldn't use for a couple of hours. My mum said I was 'stropping' off as I couldn't take a joke. Wanted a nice pic of me holding the baby but I just look awkward and nervous.

FWIW I do like babies. DP and I have discussed having our own in the next couple of years. He knows what my mum is like and tried to persuade me not to go up there without him for support but he was working today and I got too excited and I thought my mum would be nice for once since it was a happy event. Stupid of me. I should have stood up for myself and I'm kicking myself now but I didn't want to cause a scene. She has MAJOR form for making me feel like shit but can't she just leave me be just once? Unless I can see my brother and his wife and the baby away from her I don't think I'll bother going up there for a while.

Thinking about it she's probably driving them nuts to by being 'on hand'. She only lives down the road and doesn't work so is apparently there every single day.

[jay55]

Your DB and SIL are probably happy to have one relative who doesn't outstay their welcome, especially during these early days.

[CatchIt]

Just caught up with the rest of the post. You could always try agreeing with her?

Her: "you're terrible with babies"
You: tinkly laugh "yes, yes I am! " more tinkly laughing

Her: you'll be rubbish with your own baby
You: tinkly laugh "yes, I imagine I will be!" Roll eyes smile etc.

It might be worth it just to piss her off!

[MamaHanji]

You sound wonderful and your nephew is very lucky to have such a caring aunt who is so excited to have him! I'm sorry but your mum sounds such a bitch. So passive aggressive. The 'oh you take offence at everything' and being underhand and sly is so fucking disgusting and it's so hard to argue against or get them to stop. The phrase 'do fuck off mother' or 'shut up you silly hag' would be in my arsenal for any interaction with such a Harpie.

[Littleoakhorn]

"projecting again are we mother?"

You did the right thing and you sound very thoughtful. She's the one that should be feeling like crap, not you.

[Daydream007]

Your mother sounds dreadful. I'm sure others noticed her vile comments.

[ZiggyForever]

Aww OP. That's so sad. Try not to take it to heart though. Sounds like your mum has issues but I reckon they're ALL hers. Some kind of personality disorder, maybe.

You sound like a lovely auntie x

[HarrietKettleWasHere]

My brother is very settled into his golden boy role. He really does toe the line pander to my mum. But I am determined to carve out a little bit of time to get to know my new nephew a little bit. He's really gorgeous

Ugh she is a nasty piece of work. Really was hoping she wouldn't be around today!

[Thinkingblonde]

Mother: "You're terrible with babies"
You: " I didn't have a good role model to learn from"
Mother: "You'll be terrible with your own babies"
You: "Been polishing your Crystal ball again mother? You should set up a stall telling fortunes."

[TheMaddHugger]

(((((((((((Hugs))))))))))) HarrietKettleWasHere

[Italiangreyhound]

Harriet please stand up to her.

Please develp a bored tone of voice and use it on her. Say things like.

Not his again mum, I'm not 15!

I'm not clumsey at all, whatever makes you think that....

Don't accuse her of going senile or anything, just make it clear her views are shite and you are on to her and utterly bored by her.

EVERY comment she makes retaliate.

"only just revoering from the last time of holding a baby. "

No mu, wrong again, I am looking forward to holding the newest and NICEST member of the family.

Just work out in advance what shit she will come out with and hvae a reply ready. Say it how you like but I;d go for bored "Really mum you do talk shit" sort of voice.

I thikn it is good your dh wants to support you but please do not ever get into the situation where you cannot go anywhere without him. You need to be able to stand up for yourself.

And sometimes you need to say it like it is... NO, mum, I am not leaving because I am throwing a strop. I;m fed up with your rude manner and so I am going home, where people will speak to me politely.

If you want to be really brave ring her up tomorrow and say, "Mum, I just wanted you to know how inappropriate your comments were yesterday, I had come to see my new nephew and not you and you spoiled my time there with your silly comments about me and how you don't seem to think much of my abilities."

She will bristle and maybe be rude or she will apologize. You want the apology because you want to be able to say next time, privately, mum remember when we spoke on the phone about how your rudeness to me was not appropriate and you apologized? Well you are doing it again."

Do it now, please before you have your own kids, so that she never gets to talk down to you in front of them.

If you are kind you will call her and give her a heads up, you won;t take it anymore and will call her out on it. If she pretends not to know just read back the comments you wrote here and say that she may not realise she is doing it so she is going to have to work at not doing it.

Or ignore my advice, but whatever you do, do not doubt yourself, you will be a fabulous mother!

[Italiangreyhound]

Or what Thinkingblonde said more succinctly than I!

[mathanxiety]

You did everything right today, harriet:
Visited;
Brought thoughtful and practical gift;
Held the baby;
Resisted temptation wrt your dreadful mother, who is a Piece Of Work;
Buggered off early and got out of your SIL's hair.

Well done.

You can give her a death stare and tell her you are sorry she feels that way if she starts up again. Follow up by asking if she is fishing for attention if she keeps on challenging you.

[Tisgrand]

You sound lovely, and it's good that your DH has the measure of your mother.

In future if she makes those nasty remarks you could just smile and say cheerily, "well I learnt from the best, mommie dearest".

I used to say that to my own mother who delighted in trying to humiliate me in all sorts of public situations. It really took the wind out of her sails!

Anyone listening to what she said today must've thought, what a bitch! (Her obvs not you!)

[BhajiAllTheWay]

She sounds like a nasty piece of work. Is she jealous of you?

[Laserbird16]

You handled your mother's awful behaviour perfectly. By not rising to her goading you probably pissed her off more than if you called her out on her silly PA/A behaviour. She wants you to fulfil the 'stroppy teenager' role she has cast you in and by handling it with grace you've denied her the satisfaction. The only person who looks bad is your mum. It's her issue not yours, you don't have to play her game. Let yourself grieve the relationship you want with her, talk to someone supportive but don't let it effect the relationships you will forge with you lovely new DN

[NotYoda]

wibbly

I used that analogy with my son when he was being bullied. I have no idea where I got it from. At 16, he's now an expert at it at school.

[londonrach]

3-6 is better for newborn presents. i do understand i get similar remarks from my family. Its horrible.

[DartmoorDoughnut]

Sorry she tried to ruin your day with your DB and new nephew - SIL will probably be relieved to have you in her corner bet she's massively fed up with her overbearing MIL!

Echoing others with start putting boundaries in place now before you have DC, the last thing you need is her coming to 'help' at a time when you're feeling massively vulnerable and telling you you're doing it all wrong when you're worrying if you're doing it right in any case!

[LevantineHummus]

Glad I'm not the only one to say this, but really, you MUST either go NC or put up boundaries and stick to them. She will obliterate you in what could be one of the best and most special time of your life, if you have children, and she has no right to - and you can never get those moments back. It's one of these things where you've got time enough ahead of you to start before it gets even worse - and to make decisions without the stress of a due date looming, or having not slept for three nights, etc.

She treats you awfully. If you haven't before, then look at the sticky at the front of the Stately Homes thread for book recommendations.

I hope you have a chance to see your DN soon without her. :)

[Hissy]

"Have you finished?"

That's always a good stand by, please tell her to stfu?

[skinoncustard]

I think you behaved in a very restrained way , unlike your mother who showed herself to be extremely ignorant, no doubt the other guests felt embarrassed to be witnesses to her behaviour.
For what it's worth my DD who had a baby recently exchanged all the
0-3 months gifts she was given for larger sizes .

[trinitybleu]

She sounds like my mum. There was a famous incident when I went incandescent with rage, having been asked a thoroughly stupid question in front of my whole family ... think something you'd check with a 3 year old, when I was 16 (can't give more details as it's totally outing). Thankfully my family agreed with me that she was being ridiculous (well, even more ridiculous than normal) and even now, 25 years later, whenever Mum starts down that kind of path again, someone will just whisper that question in my ear which makes us laugh and diffuses the situation. Maybe text your SIL about how many 0-3 months clotges she gets given and then always referring to it as the babygro incident or something will help?

[BillSykesDog]

I think you behaved beautifully actually. I was reading the post and inwardly cringing because I could see that your mother was needling you trying to get a reaction so she could say to everyone there 'Look at what I have to put up with, isn't she awful' and complain you'd been rude to DB and SIL. I thought you were actually going to lose your rag and shout at her in front of everyone. I was so glad you just left, you behaved perfectly and didn't give her what she wanted.

You sound like a lovely auntie and SIL and it really would be a shame for you not to be involved. As DB doesn't have an issue with your Mum you need to handle it carefully. So no direct slagging off of your mother. I would send a message to DB saying how nice it was to see him and how much you loved your little nephew. But suggest next time you visit meeting for lunch close to their house for example, so your mother can't just drop in. Couch it in terms of you and your mother rubbing each other up the wrong way and a clash of personalities rather than slating her, just to save them feeling caught in the middle.

I know it's hard, but don't let her get to you. The nasty things she says reflect on her, not you.

[HarrietKettleWasHere]

I do actually feel a lot better now thanks everyone. I did feel really cowardly before as I didn't say anything to her but I'm glad I didn't cause a scene. My mum sent me a message this morning saying it was a shame I couldn't be a bit warmer and more exited towards the baby and she is wonweribg if I have a chip on my shoulder due to the fact that my younger brother is married and has had a baby when I'm older and 'nowhere near that stage'. What the fuck would she know?! I even slightly dread my own (at the moment hypothetical!) wedding day because of how she might make me feel

I would dearly love to go no contact but I just worry the rest of my family won't understand and think we've just fallen out and constantly try and get us to 'make up' (my brother did that after the last time I didn't speak to her for a while. And she cries and says I'm making her ill by ignoring her when I totally block her out and I end up cracking with the guilt.

[HarrietKettleWasHere]

I mean I still feel a bit shit due to that message and yesterday being ruined slightly but I feel a LOT better about the 3-6 month gift