To think no, I wasn't in a strop, I was just sick of being insulted.

[HarrietKettleWasHere]

My brother and his wife had a baby a few days ago. It's my parents' first grandchild, my first time as an Auntie. First chance I've had to get to see my new nephew was today so I got the train up (live 200 or so miles away)

My mum and I do not get on, I tend to keep my distance, so I wasn't really thrilled to see her car parked outside their house when I got there. In fact my brother's wife's parents were there aswell, as were her siblings, and my stepdad, it was an unofficial wet-the-baby's head thing that I had known nothing about. Anyway I was really excited to meet my new nephew- my brother's was holding him and he was awake so she asked me if I'd like a cuddle. As she went to pass him to me my mum says in front of everybody 'oh for God's sake be careful, don't know if this is a good idea, you've always been cack-handed (??) and clumsy, don't drop him!!' Then proceeded to make comments such as 'Does it feel weird to you holding a little baby, you probably don't feel anything do you, never expressed any interest in babies have you' and when he made a tiny grizzle said 'oh you better give him back, he's probably sensed you don't like babies!'.

I sort of laughed it off. Really awkwardly. But she wouldn't stop. i'd bought him a little baby romper suit thing but got that wrong aswell because I'd bought the 3-6 months and not the 0-3 (didn't I know he was a newborn??) when my brother asked if I'd like to hold him again she piped up that I was probably only just 'recovering' from having to hold an actual live baby the first time.

She always makes me feel like shit anyway and I can't do anything right I ended up leaving early and drinking a couple of gin and tonic at the station and mooching about as I had an advance ticket that I couldn't use for a couple of hours. My mum said I was 'stropping' off as I couldn't take a joke. Wanted a nice pic of me holding the baby but I just look awkward and nervous.

FWIW I do like babies. DP and I have discussed having our own in the next couple of years. He knows what my mum is like and tried to persuade me not to go up there without him for support but he was working today and I got too excited and I thought my mum would be nice for once since it was a happy event. Stupid of me. I should have stood up for myself and I'm kicking myself now but I didn't want to cause a scene. She has MAJOR form for making me feel like shit but can't she just leave me be just once? Unless I can see my brother and his wife and the baby away from her I don't think I'll bother going up there for a while.

Thinking about it she's probably driving them nuts to by being 'on hand'. She only lives down the road and doesn't work so is apparently there every single day.

[paxillin]

Can you turn the "cold and standoffish" accusation around? Text back "what an unkind thing to say, and not true"?

[JennyWoodentop]

Can you turn the "cold and standoffish" accusation around? Text back "what an unkind thing to say, and not true"?

That might work with some people, but I think here it just allows her to argue back, contradict OP and keep the dialogue going - I would favour disengagement, either not responding or a neutral response but not engaging in a debate

[Boiing]

Sorry your mum is such a bitch 😔 You are dealing with it very gracefully. Is there perhaps a less dramatic version of NC you could do? Ie don't announce that you're NC, but just usually be too busy to see her and generally forget to reply to messages? And whatever you do don't let her in your home when you have a young baby!

[Boiing]

Ps she sounds very manipulative - please never feel guilty again about NC. She is choosing to treat you badly, then trying to turn it round on you.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Elope!!
And when you do have babies do NOT tell her when it is due.
Unless it's a month after it really is.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Just don't beat around the bush, tell your mum she's a nasty piece of work. The reason your how you are, is because of her.

[flapjackfairy]

I think you did the right thing not letting rip at your mother.
It wouldnt have been your fault but would have spoilt the moment for your brother and sil.
But if she ever so much as hints a criticism of you again i would go in no holds barred and put her in her place
Easy to say i know but not easy to do
You sound lovely .dont let her knock your confidence.
And by the way i always buy bigger size gifts and parents really appreciate them once baby outgrows the hundreds of newborn outfits they get when born .

[Italiangreyhound]

Harriet

You said "My mum sent me a message this morning saying it was a shame I couldn't be a bit warmer and more exited towards the baby and she is wonweribg if I have a chip on my shoulder due to the fact that my younger brother is married and has had a baby when I'm older and 'nowhere near that stage'.

That is a really mean thing to say, please set her straight you are delighted about baby, no chip on any shoulder but her behavior was terrible.

"I even slightly dread my own (at the moment hypothetical!) wedding day because of how she might make me feel sad." Then you need to tackle this now before your wedding.

"I would dearly love to go no contact but I just worry the rest of my family won't understand and think we've just fallen out and constantly try and get us to 'make up' (my brother did that after the last time I didn't speak to her for a while."

Look into going low contact.

"And she cries and says I'm making her ill by ignoring her when I totally block her out and I end up cracking with the guilt." Then don't totally block her but don;t engage. She will make you ill if she carries on, just say that. Two can play at that!

[pollymere]

Your Mum was being a nasty bully. I was overjoyed by the 3-6m stuff as I'd bought 0-3 months already. Put yourself down as the better person and arrange to visit when it can be just you.

[ilovechocolate07]

I feel for you! Forget her opinions and petty comments and concentrate on being the fab auntie that you are!

[Whatsername17]

Next time your mum says something insulting just smile at her and say 'I must take after you, mum'. Every single time. Once she feels the cut of her own insult she will shut up. Play it like this:
Mum: you are a nervous wreck holding rhat baby blah blah.
You: I know, I must take after you.
Mum: not me, I'm perfect
You: hmm well everyone says I'm much mothers daughter. Definitely your genes, mother. Then smile, smile, smile!

[Aeroflotgirl]

I would distance myself from her, you will feel so much better. Meet up with your dad in a neutural location, see your brother when she is not there. When you do get married, don't invite her to your wedding, or have her anywhere near your baby.

[HashiAsLarry]

I think I'd be tempted to reply with something along the lines of 'I take it you were surprised I didn't drop the baby then, sorry if that's disappointed you this much'

[lotbyname]

3-6 months will greatfully received. The people that got us newborn not so much that last about a week!

Remember that the important people here are your brother in s in law. Text them and say you'd like to come back and TAKE THEM A MEAL. The people that brought food have me heart for ever!

[Mrsscowell2nd]

I have this with my mother, she's vile, belittling, insulting and downright nasty- we speak but I dread spending any time with her, I too live quite some distance from my mother- go figure..........
getting ready for an event she said "oooh I hate that Cupid's bow, can't you put your lipstick straight across?"
My half sister told me not to even think about wearing "that vile frock or anything like it to my wedding or you'll be turned away!" Think 50s and petticoats....
doing Boxing Day buffet a couple of years back "make sure you use a butter knife and butter to the edges....." no I'm gonna use a teaspoon and just put it in the middle! Ffs
The best/ worst was when I went to mash boiled eggs for egg rolls she screamed at me "noooooo, I'll do those, you won't know how to do it properly..." eh what??
Then wondered why I refused to help anymore
I'm in my 40s and am more than capable of making egg butties

[flowergrrl77]

Goodness me! I am glad you feel better about the rompersuit. I have three kids, one of whom was a tiny preemie, and I STILL tell ppl to only buy 3/6months unless you know otherwise (ie, baby is already there and a 2lb jobbie!)

My SIL recently had a baby and I am SO glad I sent up 3-6months because her boy was rather big and 0-3 would barely see a blink (if that!)

I have no advice re your mum, just hugs
Oh, and to elope when you are ready for marriage :P

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

Don't respond to that text. Delete it.

The beach ball analogy wibbly gave is exactly how to play the game with people like your DM (and mine). It is part of grey rock theory for dealing with such people.

Any engagement with their shit is a return of serve. Refuting her statement, telling her it was hurtful, telling her to fuck off, any response is throwing the ball back, "game on!" in her eyes.

I recommend both grey rock theory and out of the fog website both conveniently combined here

[mugginsalert]

Arrange to go round when you know she's not there. Don't let your relationship with your nephew be compromised by your mum's unkind and unnecessary comments.

For what it's worth, my mum said similar mad things to me, both when I became and aunt and also when I'd just had my own first and much wanted IVF baby. Something about newborns in the family seems to bring out some real daftness in some people where they shine the limelight on the baby by pushing other people into the shadow, like there's not enough to go round.

Enjoy being an aunt!

[gluteustothemaximus]

Oh OP, what horrible belittling nasty words.

This was my family. Family gatherings I dreaded. Nasty put downs all the time. And they would laugh if I became offended at the nasty words. It's only a joke!

For what it's worth, you didn't get the clothes size wrong. Everyone gets newborn clothes, but the smart giver gives the next size along 😉

Given what sounds like an awful toxic narcissistic mother, I can bet when you do have children, you'll be the total opposite of her.

[Italiangreyhound]

WobblyI like your ball drop idea. I think the OP should give it a go and I hope it works.

If it does not OP please come up with a strategy of your own. The trouble I feel with not either going no or low contact or at least tackling this is that to allow it on your life nay be that if effects you deeply and by minimising its affects you can become quite unhappy.

Am, that is my amateur psychology moment.

[Angelreid14]

I had a similar thing with my mother and confronting the issue is the best way. Unfortunately we only have one mother and if yours is unreasonable it's hard. Telling them exactly what they do to get on your nerves is actually cathartic. Try it and see, you may never see eye to eye, but you will feel lighter for getting it off your chest.

[allwomanR]

FWIW one thing I most appreciated was that my friends picked an age range each so I always had something lovely at each stage. You sound like a really caring and thoughtful auntie, I hope you get a chance to spend time with the baby on your own and bond

[DagenhamRoundhouse]

Monstrous Mother Syndrome! Why are they like this? They are criticising their own flesh and blood. I wonder if it says something about their own self esteem rather than their real opinion of their daughters (rarely sons). Maybe they see us as a threat of some kind? My mother could be critical too, not as bad as yours though. When you see those mothers on reality TV shows who appear to worship their daughters, always telling each other they love them, well I never had that and I bet you haven't either.

[ohidoliketobebesidethecoast]

I think the advice to avoid engaging as much as possible is very good. Also, when she's in the room, and you can't avoid dealing with her, maybe try looking a bit puzzled when she is nasty, and saying 'what an odd thing to say, that's not true', preferably with a little laugh to dismiss the comment. Interspersed with a PPs idea of 'well I must take after you then, eh?', again with a chuckle.
She won't like it, but hopefully she'll get bored of being politely dismissed as silly. I know she upsets you, but try not to show that it bothers you. You sound like a very nice aunt for the baby :-).

[FurryLittleTwerp]

You sound lovely, warm & excited about the baby

If you'd've been obviously enthusiastic, no doubt she'd've pissed on your bonfire complained you were over-the-top.

Ignore.