To think no, I wasn't in a strop, I was just sick of being insulted.

[HarrietKettleWasHere]

My brother and his wife had a baby a few days ago. It's my parents' first grandchild, my first time as an Auntie. First chance I've had to get to see my new nephew was today so I got the train up (live 200 or so miles away)

My mum and I do not get on, I tend to keep my distance, so I wasn't really thrilled to see her car parked outside their house when I got there. In fact my brother's wife's parents were there aswell, as were her siblings, and my stepdad, it was an unofficial wet-the-baby's head thing that I had known nothing about. Anyway I was really excited to meet my new nephew- my brother's was holding him and he was awake so she asked me if I'd like a cuddle. As she went to pass him to me my mum says in front of everybody 'oh for God's sake be careful, don't know if this is a good idea, you've always been cack-handed (??) and clumsy, don't drop him!!' Then proceeded to make comments such as 'Does it feel weird to you holding a little baby, you probably don't feel anything do you, never expressed any interest in babies have you' and when he made a tiny grizzle said 'oh you better give him back, he's probably sensed you don't like babies!'.

I sort of laughed it off. Really awkwardly. But she wouldn't stop. i'd bought him a little baby romper suit thing but got that wrong aswell because I'd bought the 3-6 months and not the 0-3 (didn't I know he was a newborn??) when my brother asked if I'd like to hold him again she piped up that I was probably only just 'recovering' from having to hold an actual live baby the first time.

She always makes me feel like shit anyway and I can't do anything right I ended up leaving early and drinking a couple of gin and tonic at the station and mooching about as I had an advance ticket that I couldn't use for a couple of hours. My mum said I was 'stropping' off as I couldn't take a joke. Wanted a nice pic of me holding the baby but I just look awkward and nervous.

FWIW I do like babies. DP and I have discussed having our own in the next couple of years. He knows what my mum is like and tried to persuade me not to go up there without him for support but he was working today and I got too excited and I thought my mum would be nice for once since it was a happy event. Stupid of me. I should have stood up for myself and I'm kicking myself now but I didn't want to cause a scene. She has MAJOR form for making me feel like shit but can't she just leave me be just once? Unless I can see my brother and his wife and the baby away from her I don't think I'll bother going up there for a while.

Thinking about it she's probably driving them nuts to by being 'on hand'. She only lives down the road and doesn't work so is apparently there every single day.

[SomewhatIdiosyncratic]

I go for 6-9 months and choose something that could be worn all year so it doesn't matter when baby grows into it.

You need to establish boundaries both directly with her and with relatives like DB.
Mine lives a long distance away. She can be OK, but it can be like a time bomb of when her behaviour will flip. I reached a stage that when she hit rant mode on the phone, I would tell her that I was ending the call now and hang up. I made her accountable for her behaviour. When I was getting married, she was a pain in the build up. She threatened not to come at one point. I said "that's your choice" she tried to claim I was making her do it. I told her she was choosing to react that way. We have a similar distance so naturally see little of each other. Since I became more assertive and detached emotionally from her behaviour, her behaviour has improved. (She behaved acceptably on the day)

Your SiL sounds like a useful ally. This wasn't the right occasion to make the first challenge, but you've got chance now to plan a change of stance.

[NannyJones]

Yup, as a qualified nanny with 10y experience and a few newborns (not my own) I only ever buy 3-6!!! Ur mum sounds like a nightmare! Well done for not head butting her 😂

[Writermom22]

Fuck her.

To put it bluntly.

Fuck her.

When your brother and sister in law are ready, get them to come see you for a baby's day out. Without your mother!

[Strygil]

Your mother sounds like an outstandingly unpleasant woman - and regrettably she will go on behaving like this as long as you volunteer for it by not answering back. You did absolutely the right thing in not spoiling your niece's head-wetting, and I compliment you on your restraint. At the same time your mother needs to be told, and if I were you I would write her a letter saying briefly that you were hurt and upset by her nastiness and that if she does anything like that ever again you will tell her off loudly and abundantly, no matter if you are all stood round the font at the christening or wherever. And end the letter by saying that any reply - spoken or written - which does not begin with a sincere apology will be rejected.

I know whereof I speak: my own mother lost no opportunity to sneer at and belittle me, and also punched and hit me - until the day, aged 22, I had finally had enough, slapped her across the face and stood with my fist raised ready to do it again. That was the last time she treated me with even a hint of disrespect. Not something to be proud of, but believe me, it's necessary for your survival sometimes.

[xStefx]

Op, I always buy 3-6 months too :-)
Your mum is just a bitch, no rhyme or reason, just a bitch

I feel sorry for your brother and sister in law having her every day
X

[Mustang27]

You can be my babies Aunty you sound lovely and the bigger size will be handy because everyone buys teeny sizes and once the novelty wears out in the next month nobody buys them anything else. You got that absolutely right. I'd phone your brother when you know she isn't about and just say sorry you left early but your mum had made you feel really uncomfortable I'm sure he will understand.

[Madwoman5]

My f + f bought newborn, 3-6, 6-12 & 12-18m so small was kitted out for the first year plus. I was very grateful they did as I was unwell for most of y1. Your mum sounds charming....not. "have you finished?", "yeah that's right, baby can feel my horns", a simple stare for slightly longer than her comment followed by a long blink and open looking the other direction. If you do not rise, she shows herself up for the bully she is. Nice long visit from bro and sil in the summer to yours, me thinks!

[LubiLooLoo]

Oh I'm soooo sorry! That sounds awful! Make sure you book in another day to enjoy your new auntie status without her looming over your shoulder!

You have every right to be annoyed, I do wish you'd taken her to one side and asked her to stop, just so you could enjoy your baby hugs!

Hope you feel better and get another chance to enjoy your growing family.

[Deidre21]

You're not the problem - she's just rude. Though you wish you had said something at the time at least you cared to be civil and not say something that would've caused an argument at the time during a nice occasion. As for wrong size clothing for baby - that want wrong as most people appreciate clothing babies can grow into as you end up getting quite a lot of newborn items to start off with anyway. Just ignore her and as others have said arrange to see then when she's not around and in future they'd be able to come to yours and or meet up outside the home where it'd be easier to not have her around as well.

[Blu99]

My mum is bat shit crazy so I can definitely empathise. We no longer speak. It would be a shame for you not to have some bonding time with him. My sister is a massive part of my dd's life. Maybe suggest you and dh popping over to watch the baby so they can have a little free time. Or suggest you cook for them at theirs. Maybe speak to your brother about it just being you and dh there so you haven't got to deal with your mother.

I understand why you didn't say something. Sometimes it's better not to poke the bear and encourage her behaviour to escalate. If it happens again though, you should say something like "the day is more pleasant when you keep your mouth shut so do us all a favour" then laugh it off like she does.

[reallyanotherone]

I think we have the same mother.

When i told mine I was pregnant she told me I "still had time to do something about it".

[Touchmybum]

What about your dad in all this - does he realise the way your mother treats you? Have you ever talked to him about it?

I've always said in-laws are fine, until a baby comes along - that was my experience and also that of family and friends. Wait until she starts interfering, and telling SIL where she is going wrong...

MIL couldn't believe that I made my poor DH do the ironing.... poor pet. And he was the less favoured of her two children as well!

[Touchmybum]

What about your dad in all this - does he realise the way your mother treats you? Have you ever talked to him about it?

I've always said in-laws are fine, until a baby comes along - that was my experience and also that of family and friends. Wait until she starts interfering, and telling SIL where she is going wrong...

MIL couldn't believe that I made my poor DH do the ironing.... poor pet. And he was the less favoured of her two children as well!

[Touchmybum]

PS anyone who knows anything about babies knows not to buy 0-3 months! So long as you don't buy a snowsuit for 3-6 months that will fit them in July!

DS had a gorrrrgeous Peter Rabbit babygro... so gorgeous that I got him the same one in a bigger size! That was really thoughtful of you - hopefully you can make an ally in SIL. Don't rise to your auld bat of a mother x And get married well away from her! x

[Italiangreyhound]

"Mum is lovely to my SIL....she once 'joked' that she's the daughter she never had..."

Who is the mother you never had, an older friend of relative who can support you? Find them and make your own family work for you and your time.

"She just thinks I'm cold and standoffish and will tell anyone who listens that I don't bother with her." Have you told her why? She may not even realise she is doing this, or she may.

Totally agree with Rosehip22 "I am convinced that you'll be a great aunt. However I do think the birth of your own dc will be a turning point for you. How would you feel if she spoke like that to you in front of your own dc ? You wouldn't put up with a friend treating you like that so why should your mother get away with it. You deserve to be treated with respect."

There was a thread on here of a woman who said her own mother had turned her daughter against her. Pretty dramatic but maybe possible. I would not risk my toxic mother influencing my own kids.

[Italiangreyhound]

ofudginghell "I would reply to her text saying she knows her comments are hurtful and spikey and so do you.
Tell her the unwritten rule is if you can't be nice be quiet."

Totally agree.

[gluteustothemaximus]

There was a thread on here of a woman who said her own mother had turned her daughter against her. Pretty dramatic but maybe possible. I would not risk my toxic mother influencing my own kids.

This is absolutely possible, and what my mother tried to do with DS1, which is why we are NC.

[Patriciathestripper1]

These are for you
Well done eith the baby clothes! Much better to have done to grow into. Next time your horrible bag of s mother says a nasty comment to you, just say (loudly) ActuallyI'm fine with the baby... luckily your rubbish parenting didn't rub off!
You will make a lovely auntie, and a lovely mum when you are ready x x

[Italiangreyhound]

gluteustothemaximus sorry to hear that but well done for going NC.

I really do think it is interesting that people sometimes allow their kids to have contact with really unsuitable people simple because they are related to them.

RunRabbitRunRabbit I was going to mention grey rock.

There is a thread about it here on mumsnet, not very active....

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2850576-The-Grey-Rocks-1?pg=1

There is, what I think, is a good link here...

queenbeeing.com/toxic-relationship-recovery-using-gray-rock-method-safely/

"What else should I consider before I try the Gray Rock Method?

One important thing to know about the Gray Rock Method is that there is a level at which it can become unsafe for you psychologically - and that's when you begin to experience symptoms of dissociation.

A lot of people don't realize that these two are connected, but here's what happens.
When you learn to use this method and you find out how effective it can be when it comes to dealing with your narcissist, you may find that it is a great way to deal with EVERYTHING that is an issue in your life.

The problem with this is that you begin to truly stop caring - and your ability to feel your own emotions diminishes. This is a major issue because you don't just stop feeling pain and anxiety - you stop feeling the good stuff too."

[NoncommittalToSparkleMotion]

Y are obviously NBU. How nasty she is!

Some people just love to cause shit and stir the pot. And I'm sure everyone there realized it. Just a shame no one else told her off.

[youarenotkiddingme]

The fact your brother kept offering cuddles indicates to me he doesn't stand up to your mother but doesn't agree with her either

[gluteustothemaximus]

Thanks Italian x

Was a long process and a very difficult time. As bad as leaving my abusive relationship (and it took me a while to realise, they were the same thing).

But, best decision I ever made. We would never put up with awful behaviour from any friends or strangers, but family seem to have a get out of jail free card for bad behaviour...because they're family. And maybe that's why their behaviour is so bad, because they think they can get away with it. My mother wouldn't behave like that with others, (because they wouldn't allow it I guess) but your family members, especially your children are perfect vulnerable targets so you can get your emotional vampire fix.

OP - I hope you're able to arrange future visits to see your nephew without your mother there. Very low contact or NC would recommend based on the things you've said. Lots of luck

[Honeybee79]

You sound like a lovely person and a great Auntie, op.

I'm so sorry your Mum is like this. Establish your own independent relations with brother and sil. Sounds like your brother is sympathetic and the fact that he offered another cuddle with baby indicates he realised how hurtful your mother is.

[NannyJones]

My grandmother sounds similar to your mother. I took YEARS for everyone else to see it but my parents went NC when they almost killed my young sister drunk driving.
Other family members spoke to them (one still does) the recent fall back was when my great aunt lost both her husband and sibling within a year and said grandmother went ape shit at her calling her names and swearing at her (over funerals, wakes and cars..?!)
Thankfully I was 16 - and made a decision that I didn't/don't need spiteful, vicious people like that in my life.

My uncle still speaks to them but I doubt he sees them often.

You think only being in contact with 1/4 of their children would be a lightbulb moment but I doubt it.

I hope you can distance yourself enough to not feel guilty or victimised by her bullshit.
Agree with pp - don't tell her when ur pregnant!

[Catherinebee85]

Your mum is a spiteful bitch! She deliberately went out of her way to make you look like an idiot. She must have some serious issues. 3-6 is a perfect pressie. They grow so fast and everyone wants to buy stuff they'll wear immediately. Plan another trip as soon as you can. You'll be a lovely Auntie. All they really need is love xx