To think no, I wasn't in a strop, I was just sick of being insulted.

[HarrietKettleWasHere]

My brother and his wife had a baby a few days ago. It's my parents' first grandchild, my first time as an Auntie. First chance I've had to get to see my new nephew was today so I got the train up (live 200 or so miles away)

My mum and I do not get on, I tend to keep my distance, so I wasn't really thrilled to see her car parked outside their house when I got there. In fact my brother's wife's parents were there aswell, as were her siblings, and my stepdad, it was an unofficial wet-the-baby's head thing that I had known nothing about. Anyway I was really excited to meet my new nephew- my brother's was holding him and he was awake so she asked me if I'd like a cuddle. As she went to pass him to me my mum says in front of everybody 'oh for God's sake be careful, don't know if this is a good idea, you've always been cack-handed (??) and clumsy, don't drop him!!' Then proceeded to make comments such as 'Does it feel weird to you holding a little baby, you probably don't feel anything do you, never expressed any interest in babies have you' and when he made a tiny grizzle said 'oh you better give him back, he's probably sensed you don't like babies!'.

I sort of laughed it off. Really awkwardly. But she wouldn't stop. i'd bought him a little baby romper suit thing but got that wrong aswell because I'd bought the 3-6 months and not the 0-3 (didn't I know he was a newborn??) when my brother asked if I'd like to hold him again she piped up that I was probably only just 'recovering' from having to hold an actual live baby the first time.

She always makes me feel like shit anyway and I can't do anything right I ended up leaving early and drinking a couple of gin and tonic at the station and mooching about as I had an advance ticket that I couldn't use for a couple of hours. My mum said I was 'stropping' off as I couldn't take a joke. Wanted a nice pic of me holding the baby but I just look awkward and nervous.

FWIW I do like babies. DP and I have discussed having our own in the next couple of years. He knows what my mum is like and tried to persuade me not to go up there without him for support but he was working today and I got too excited and I thought my mum would be nice for once since it was a happy event. Stupid of me. I should have stood up for myself and I'm kicking myself now but I didn't want to cause a scene. She has MAJOR form for making me feel like shit but can't she just leave me be just once? Unless I can see my brother and his wife and the baby away from her I don't think I'll bother going up there for a while.

Thinking about it she's probably driving them nuts to by being 'on hand'. She only lives down the road and doesn't work so is apparently there every single day.

[MumBod]

Blimey she's a piece of work, isn't she?

[Mysterycat23]

OP you did the right thing not to react to her bullshit, by staying calm you ensured the day wasn't totally ruined by the daft woman. Everyone in the room would have seen what a horrible cow she was being! Please feel proud of yourself for taking the high road.

[Foldedtshirt]

Oh you poor love! I want to give you a big hug. You've inspired me to be extra mindful and fab around my big DDs.

[GplanAddict]

Really feel for you OP, you also have a mother like mine. I've come to the conclusion mine is a narcissist.

When she's pleasant to me, I now tell her 'thankyou, it was nice to talk, you've been pleasant'.
When she tells me I'm too ambitious, cold, not there for her enough and how wonderful everyone else is in comparison I just say my goodbyes.
Hasn't worked mind, she really has no clue/doesn't care how awful she makes me feel.

You sound like you are going to be a fantastic Auntie and mother. The gift was perfect. Maybe give your sil a call, not yo make any apologies but to tell her how lovely the baby is and to make a plan to see them again, without your mother!!!

[Beachedwh4le]

I think it's probably best to try and keep your brother and his little family out if the drama, no doubt they're exhausted and playing politics is draining at the best of times.

Your mum sounds like a right card, but I think I probably would have sucked it up just so I could have time with the baby.

Parents can be a chore for sure.

Hope you get some quality time with the little one before too long, maybe you and DP can go and have a nice lunch out with your DB and SIL that way no interruptions from over zealous grandmas

[Deathraystare]

Hopefully you can arrange to meet up with them without your blasted mother. I really cannot see the problem with the 3-6 month clothing as that is the next size up. Babies do grow! It is often a problem that people end up woth lots of new baby sized clothes and have not much in the next size given to them.

Yes yes to calling SIL telling her what a lovely baby, you would love to see them again sans Mother dearest), and generally keep in touch with Brother and SIL so they know the problem is not you being 'funny' about a baby.

Hopefully you will have your own soon and if Mother deaest is around you can ban her "Don't gush around the baby, stop trying to snatch her from me...etc etc (no not really, you are better than that but at least you don't live by her).

[GabsAlot]

i would consider going nc again what a nasty piece of work

tell you brother its nothing to do with him you ant a relationship with him and his family but not her

dont even respond to that message-shes a bully

[spiney]

OP your mum sounds vile.

I have nothing but respect for you holding your tongue and not responding to her awful, cruel comments. And I feel quite sad to think of you on your own at the station after making the long trip with such good intentions and goodwill.

Do not let her suck the joy out of this. You did all the right things. Baby grow just the right size. He will get much more wear from it! You were right. And very sweet of you to think of SIL preferences. Also in reality it is totally overwhelming having long crowded visits after the birth. Short and sweet is always best anyway.

Dig in. Ignore your mother. You can cultivate a kind, loving relationship with your nephew. Resolute kindness and steadfastness will never go amiss. She sounds loud, demanding and unpleasant. You sound lovely.

[Laserbird16]

Wow, she really wants to upset you. That message is horrendous. Maybe check out these articles on borderline personality disorder bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=280765.0 then don your emotional armour and respond as if she'd actually behaved like a human being, 'it is really exciting to see DN. DB and SIL look are so happy. yes fingers crossed I'll get to be just as lucky. Take care".the. Go smash another G&T

[aintnothinbutagstring]

I'd reply, "don't know where you got that idea from. Loved seeing DN, DB and SIL yesterday, so happy for them". She's baiting you, she wants you to react, to be angry or upset. I remember my own DM being a bit strange when I had my first DC. My dd was quite a strong willed baby, she didn't like to be held or cuddled for too long as she'd rather be on floor crawling or pulling herself up. One time when I was holding her on my hip, she was fighting with me to get down, quite usual behaviour, my mum said "oh, dgc doesn't like dd (me) does she?". It upset me to the extent I still remember it now (dd is 8!), because why would a mother say such a thing to her dd. She commented negatively on how little breastmilk I was able to express when dd was a preemie in neonatal, bearing in mind I had only just been discharged myself after being so ill. I moved about 300miles away eventually which was a great move as she has very little influence over me these days and I've achieved so much not being in my parents shadows.

[BillSykesDog]

OP the one bit of advice I can give you is never let her see she's upsetting you because that's what she wants. Whatever she does just remain serene and even tempered and don't let her see it's bothering you for a second, even if you're dying inside.

[ChasedByBees]

That is an awful message. It's designed to make you feel bad about yourself and doubt your reactions and be self conscious. I would go NC. if you feel guilty, re-read that message. She wants to keep you feeling low.

[Falafelings]

Text back 'oh you are rather silly mum. Of course I'm excited about my gorgous new nephew, couldn't wait to meet him! I actually left early so that I didn't have to to listen to any more of your toxic comments'

[Falafelings]

Text your SIL and say how lovely your nephew is and you are over the moon to be an auntie

[ElsieMc]

You sound a lovely auntie, so excited to meet the baby but had it ruined for you by your mother. What on earth is her problem?

I think you need to keep your distance in future to protect yourself and any children you may have in the future.

FWIW, I pity your brother's wife having her as a MIL. Without you there to emotionally abuse, she could be next.

[HarrietKettleWasHere]

Mum is lovely to my SIL....she once 'joked' that she's the daughter she never had

I don't even go back home for Christmas anymore. I love where I grew up but she ruins it for me. If I go it's to see my Dad and my brother and my mum as briefly as possible and then I get out. She just thinks I'm cold and standoffish and will tell anyone who listens that I don't bother with her.

[diddl]

Tbh I wouldn't bother to reply to her.

Sometimes there are personality clashes, but being deliberately nasty/bringing down your own child, I just can't "get my head around it" for want of a better phrase.

I think that I'd just be civil in future & perhaps ask her why or what does she mean in future to turn it back on her?

Or "how silly, you obviously don't know me if that's what you think"

[Cloudyapples]

OP when you get married you don't have to invite her - it's your day and you shouldn't have to put up with someone who makes you feel bad when you are celebrating

[StrangeAndUnusual]

I think you need to turn everything back on her. So in response to her message about 'why you weren't more warm and excited' about the baby, you can reply. 'How strange that you can't see my excitement, I wonder why you have difficulty with that?'

[Apairofsparklingeyes]

Honestly the best thing you can do for yourself is go nc or very lc with your mother.

If you plan to have a baby or get married it will be much better to do it without your mother's interference upsetting you.

[Rosehip22]

OP I am convinced that you'll be a great aunt. However I do think the birth of your own dc will be a turning point for you. How would you feel if she spoke like that to you in front of your own dc ? You wouldn't put up with a friend treating you like that so why should your mother get away with it. You deserve to be treated with respect.

[JennyWoodentop]

You don't need to respond to her message - whatever you say will be twisted and become more fuel for her. I would be neutral and brief going forward - the less information she is given the less she can twist it, but she can't accuse you of ignoring her. You don't need to reply to every message - every third, every tenth, only on a Monday, whatever works. Texts and emails don't need immediate responses, caller ID means you can screen her calls if you don't want to deal with her at that moment. You then call back later with your prepared response and end the call if it descends into insults.

Your communications about the baby don't need to involve your mother. You can communicate with your brother and SIL with congratulations, telling them what a nice visit you had, lovely to see them and the baby, thanks for the hospitality, make arrangements for next time etc etc - this is all perfectly polite and appropriate and does not need to be orchestrated and controlled by your mother - unless your brother lets her of course, which is a whole different issue and might lead to you needing to decrease contact all round. Personally I would be very low contact with her and with her enablers, but that may not be what you want at this point.

Think about your wedding and damage limitation if she comes - and the fall out in the wider family if she doesn't. Think about what, if any, contact you want her to have with your own children in future.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Her comment about yiur sil being the daughter she never had speakers volumes about what she thinks of you. Have nothing more to do with her, meet up with your dad, without her in another location.

[wictional]

What blonde said!!

Mum: "you'll be terrible with your dc"
You: "well I learnt from the best after all"

You sound like a wonderful, considerate Aunty and your DN is lucky to have you

[ofudginghell]

I would reply to her text saying she knows her comments are hurtful and spikey and so do you.
Tell her the unwritten rule is if you can't be nice be quiet.
She would soon realise how many awful things she says wouldn't she

Don't worry what other people think or what she tells others. Try are adults and will make their own mind up.

Next time she makes any nasty comments at you in front of others pull her up on it. Don't let her get away with it.
Let her embarrass herself and take responsibility for her own awkwardness.
You sound like a great future auntie. Stay close with your db and sil and nephew. Don't let her get in the way