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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU DH wants to invite MIL on our holiday

107 replies

Cosette123 · 19/03/2017 10:21

DH always suggests taking his DM on holiday as he is very close to her. I always say no, thank you.

We haven't had any time off work since Xmas and our last holiday was August last year. We both work FT.

Husband is normally away mon-fri and some weekends with work. I freelance and taking time off work is difficult (for me) as I know the amount of money I lose from not working.

This week husband is off and I am off tue-fri. We have a just turned 2year old DD who goes to nursery full time.

We are renting a cottage 2hrs away from us and about 2 hrs away from DH mother.

I am looking forward to our time away as a family as special time together is rare & I worry about the time I am missing with my DD.

DH has just suggested we invite his mother along wed-thur, 2 days, "just" 1 night. WTF

I am really pissed off and got a bit angry at him.

He says it's the only time in the next month or so we'll be able to see her and we haven't seen her since January so makes sense (in January she stayed for 7days having only just returned from 5days at hers after Xmas). I said whilst she is absolutely lovely it totally changes the dynamics of the holiday and I want to spend time with my DD not have someone else competing for time with her.

As I said no he is pissed off with me and not speaking.

AIBU??

OP posts:
Edballsisoneniftydancer · 19/03/2017 14:15

I enjoy seeing my DC and their DPs and we all get on very well, but muscling in on their time as a family? No thanks

Actually Pigsdofly comes close to what I am thinking
except s/he is still seeing it from the younger family's pov. Clearly a much nicer person than me! (But then most people are...)

Italiangreyhound · 19/03/2017 14:16

YANBU. You have a holiday planned. To add someone else on, at the last minute, sounds odd. How would he react if you suggested bringing a friend along?

I think in your shoes I'd suggest visiting your MIL on way home. You could also invite her to stay at a future date, if OK.

I am guessing either your dh loves being around his mum or is a bit of a mummy's boy or feels guilty that she is on her own.

But whatever the reason he needs to learn to manage it without resulting to sulking like a child because you have disagreed!

minionsrule · 19/03/2017 14:16

I know she didn't say anything hurtful - I just said it might be hurtful to know that her in laws outright said No, not coming.
I said that as well on the basis that app OP's DH has asked 'numerous times' for MIL to join them on holiday. Maybe the occassional, oh ok maybe this time would be nice although I can see this time might be difficult - but it sounds like the option is never going to be agreed by OP.
I don't know MIL's situation, assuming on her own, and made an assumption that if DH is asking so often then maybe MIL doesn't get to go away herself so this could be a treat for her as well - I know my MIL never goes on holiday since she was widowed (she lives overseas but does come on holiday with us if she is in the UK).

Italiangreyhound · 19/03/2017 14:20

Stilldriving do people in other cultures all run along well with in-laws? That's not the impression I get from reading about difficult family situations. I wonder if they simply don't have the chance to say no.

For cultural reasons in-laws may be living with the couple. Doesn't always sound like an arrangement of choice but more an expectation.

minionsrule · 19/03/2017 14:22

DH always suggests taking his DM on holiday as he is very close to her. I always say no, thank you.

Sorry, this was the bit that got me - maybe if OP said yes now and again this situation would not have arisen - DH never getting a say, OP just shuts him down with this..... I would be pissed off with DH if he never gave my requests a second thought ever - seems so one sided is all I was thinking when I first read it - but hey, its a MIL Hmm

Chattymummyhere · 19/03/2017 14:23

Big fat no from me. I've been on holiday wth my mil it wasn't a holiday it was her constantly getting us to do everything she wanted, even dinner times where don't give X this make sure X has that. Nope I'm the mum I think I can feed my own child thank you very much even fil had to tell her to stop.

If there are 4 hours between op and mil it's obvious they won't see each their all the time but they have had two sleeping over visits in December and January.

Hulder · 19/03/2017 14:26

minions my ILs are coming on holiday with us when hell freezes over and not before.

I'm 100% confident DH would say the same about my DM joining us too - cuts both ways.

And neither set would be hurt as they would be baffled why we wanted them along and a few years back, when they were fitter, we would have cramped their style as Edballs suggests. I managed one holiday with my parents as an adult but we spent practically none of the day together, just back together in the evening for dinner and chat.

I think it's naive on the part of the DH and MIL (if she actually has anything to do with these suggestions) that intergenerational holidays are a reasonable expectation.

pigsDOfly · 19/03/2017 14:26

Well, I'm not really thinking of it from their POV EdBalls. As I said, I love seeing them but the desire not to intrude on their holiday is all mine. Although, I'm sure they wouldn't want it either.

I too can think of nothing worse than a 'family holiday'. I love them dearly but if I'm going to have a holiday, it'd be one that was to my taste, and at my age a holiday with small children is most definitely not to my taste.

Edballsisoneniftydancer · 19/03/2017 14:28

Never mind the rights and wrongs of wanting/not wanting...the OP is quite open about ALWAYS saying no. Tbh that would probably be my preference too, and as I've said, I can think of few things worse of going on holiday with my DC and their broods, but, why does what OP want "Always" trump what her DH wants?

Sulking is silly, I agree, and going behind her back (if that's what he has done) is worse, but maybe he is justified in being pissed off

Edballsisoneniftydancer · 19/03/2017 14:30

I too can think of nothing worse than a 'family holiday' Grin Pigsdofly

Yes I have heard that the term 'family holiday' is the best possible example of an oxymoron. Followed closely by 'fun run'

Edballsisoneniftydancer · 19/03/2017 14:32

Hulder who said fitness had anything to do with my style being cramped Wink.

NOT that kind of fitness I have in mind!!

pigeondujour · 19/03/2017 14:33

I know what you mean, but she got to stay at her son and DIL's house for a week two months ago. More holiday than loads of people get. I think you should be allowed to always say no thanks to going on holiday with someone you don't want to, to be honest.

Hulder · 19/03/2017 14:35

Suepct, as ever the problem is communication.

The DH springs a late request on the OP - she is pissed off. Her preference would be never.

The DH hears 'no, not this time' rather than 'no, never' so he keeps asking but is pissed off that it never is 'yes, this time'.

Neither have been open about what their position is or their vision of a family holiday. So they carry on pissing each other off.

It may be that they have entirely opposing views of the ideal holiday and how often they spend time with the MIL - but unless it's out in the open, this one is going to run and run.

Italiangreyhound · 19/03/2017 14:36

"... your dh ever be allowed to holiday with his mother?"

As the MIL comes to stay with them quite often it seems I am not sure why a holiday two hours away would be such 'a thing'.

I love my in laws and actually suggest to dh that we go away together, he's not so keen! Do I get to insist we go away together?

I think this needs addressing actually OP. If a holiday with MIL is not really a holiday then can you work out a way to do something suitable?

EG can you afford a not too expensive visit to somewhere suitable featured around MIL's interests where you are just going to support, thinking of it not as a holiday - so to speak?

Cheap hotels now are very good. For me just not cooking, going out to diner is a holiday!

ForTheSakeOfFuck · 19/03/2017 14:37

why does what OP want "Always" trump what her DH wants?

Two things. If she wanted to invite her own DM and he said no every single time, that would be that. If they had lots of opportunities and he was doing it to be petulant then he's a knob, but ultimately, they each have a right to veto any guests that the other party suggests.

In this case, he wants to make a sudden addition to one of their very few periods of close family time. If he very reasonably planned something in the future and from the get-go it was to explicitly include MIL and yet the OP still said no, then yes, I could start to see a problem. It's both how this is being done and the way it's being done that's the issue - the sudden inclusion at short notice and the sulking when he didn't get an immediate agreement from her. Neither of those things is cricket.

Edballsisoneniftydancer · 19/03/2017 14:39

You make a very fair point pigeon...but I am just wondering how much of a holiday staying at her son's house was...might it have included a little light baby sitting, a small amount of housework...?

But I am projecting: it just brings me back to my central point that if I were DMiL I would be running a mile at the very suggestion, however willing DDil might be to have me along!

Edballsisoneniftydancer · 19/03/2017 14:42

the sudden inclusion at short notice and the sulking when he didn't get an immediate agreement from her. Neither of those things is cricket.

Yep I agree (as I said)

If she wanted to invite her own DM and he said no every single time, that would be that

Again I agree, but is there any indication that this has happened? (Genuine question...cardinal sin of NRTFT at play here, Blush )

ForTheSakeOfFuck · 19/03/2017 14:44

I confess, I haven't RTFT either. I'm meant to be working so am skim-commenting. cries into keyboard

gammaraystar · 19/03/2017 14:47

Why don't you let Mummy's Boy take his mum on the whole trip and you go else where? Really you should't have married a man-child in the first place, but hey-ho.

Edballsisoneniftydancer · 19/03/2017 14:52

Grammar or another way of putting it: why not throw all your toys out of the pram.

I say AGAIN this arrangement would be my idea of hell, but as a dispassionate observer it doesn't seem like he is asking for the moon on a stick here.

Edballsisoneniftydancer · 19/03/2017 14:54

Even sadder sakeoffuck I am having an entirely free day...and THIS is how I choose to spend it cries into keyboard also

pigeondujour · 19/03/2017 15:03

EdBalls I have to say we have to negotiate MIL's calendar as much as our own when planning stuff, it's far from her sitting waiting by the phone for us to invite her. Then again we don't have kids yet so the attraction might be less Grin

pigsDOfly · 19/03/2017 15:10

Beginning to think that it's just me, but can't help but wonder why a grown man with a wife and children feels the need to have a holiday with his mum.

Edballsisoneniftydancer · 19/03/2017 15:12

A VERY fair question Pigs .....

Edballsisoneniftydancer · 19/03/2017 15:14

Good for her Pigeon and yes it will be interesting to see how it develops when the family demographic changes!