AIBU DH wants to invite MIL on our holiday

[Cosette123]

DH always suggests taking his DM on holiday as he is very close to her. I always say no, thank you.

We haven't had any time off work since Xmas and our last holiday was August last year. We both work FT.

Husband is normally away mon-fri and some weekends with work. I freelance and taking time off work is difficult (for me) as I know the amount of money I lose from not working.

This week husband is off and I am off tue-fri. We have a just turned 2year old DD who goes to nursery full time.

We are renting a cottage 2hrs away from us and about 2 hrs away from DH mother.

I am looking forward to our time away as a family as special time together is rare & I worry about the time I am missing with my DD.

DH has just suggested we invite his mother along wed-thur, 2 days, "just" 1 night. WTF

I am really pissed off and got a bit angry at him.

He says it's the only time in the next month or so we'll be able to see her and we haven't seen her since January so makes sense (in January she stayed for 7days having only just returned from 5days at hers after Xmas). I said whilst she is absolutely lovely it totally changes the dynamics of the holiday and I want to spend time with my DD not have someone else competing for time with her.

As I said no he is pissed off with me and not speaking.

AIBU??

An extra 2 hours, after already driving 2 hours, with a 2 year old, on a holiday on which you've only got 2 full non-travelling days, isn't 'the very least'.

but she should facilitate an alternative for her DH to see her another time

Gosh and there's me thinking DH was a grown up!

Astro55 Let me rephrase that for you. If she's unhappy for the MIL to stop over for one day in a cottage that's already paid for, she shouldn't moan if her DH wants to spend family money (that isn't already a sunk cost) on going to see her another time, with DD in tow.

I will never understand the automatic hate for MILs on MN. Every MIL is someone's DM.

YADNBU it would be so much more relaxed with just the three of you. Doing or not doing what you please when you please without having to factor in MIL's wants needs wishes interests and maybe health/stamina etc. To be fair it sounds like she's either already invited herself and he's not man enough to stand up to her or he felt obliged to ask her.
Say no to this but plan a long weekend visit or something where she knows she's going to see you all in the near future and plan other holidays in the opposite direction to her house in future if you don't want her tagging along. I used to have this when the kids were little DH had mentioned we were going away in conversation and before you knew if MIL and FIL and possibly SIL maybe joining us it would do my nut in and I would be stressed and on pins incase they gate crashed especially as we were severely limited in what we could do with them and they didn't get up till 10.30/11 whereas I had been up since 6.45/7 with the kids and kids were almost ready for dinner by the time they'd surfaced got washed dressed and decided on a plan for the day.

I don't have automatic hate for MILs - love mine, for instance. I don't think much of men who give their wives the silent treatment if they don't get their way.

And MIL has spent 12 days in total being hosted by the OP in the past three months. She's not being left on her own.

Sorry, 5 days hosting and 7 days being hosted. My point stands.

YANBU. A man is quite entitled to want his mother on holiday, (and so is a woman; she is entitled to want her mother along too.) However, if the wife/husband does not agree, then it can't happen. I got OK with my MIL when she was alive, but would never, in a million years, have wanted her on holiday with us. I can't even explain why. She was pleasant enough, and liked me (I think!) but when I was with her, I was never really properly relaxed, and felt I had to smile and chat and listen to her all the time, and I always felt I had to be on my best behaviour iyswim. FWIW, I wouldn't have wanted my mother on holiday with us either.

When DH's father died, his mother was alone, although she only lived 2 miles from us, and she wanted to come and live with us! DH tried to convince me several times that it would be a good idea and she could take care of the kids etc, but I said 'I am quite capable of taking care of the kids myself thanks, and there isn't the room etc,' and he said 'she can do the housework etc,.' Again, I told him I can do the housework mySELF. She even said to him 'I don't mind sleeping on the couch, and I will be quiet; you won't even know I'm there.'

But I just couldn't. Again, FWIW, I couldn't have my mother living with us either.

I have no idea why his mother wanted to come and live with us, because she wasn't even that old (late 50's,) had friends nearby, and a job, and me and DH and his brother (and brother's family,) and other extended family visited at least once a week. So she rarely went a couple of days without a visitor.

Thankfully, she stopped asking after a few months, and never held it against us (as far as I know.) I think she just felt like she didn't want to be alone after DH's dad died, and that is understandable, but I just couldn't have her living with us.

And like a few people said above, I couldn't give a shit what other cultures do; we are not all the same, and what works for one culture, doesn't (necessarily) work for another. In some cultures, you are expected to marry someone you have never met, and that works for some.. However, would you people who think we should be the same with our elderly as other cultures are, be OK with being expected to marry someone you have never met before? Probably when you were about 18?!

No, thought not.

As for your DH not speaking to you because he is not getting his way. That is utterly pathetic.

What would piss me off in this situation is that I would have been dreaming of my lovely holiday, just the 3 of us, since Xmas and suddenly DH bounces up saying 'Hang on a minute, my DM can come too!'

Astro55 is right - if DH wants to see his mother, he needs to think about ways to make it work rather than letting OP plan a holiday and thinking he can hijack it at the last minute, job done.

He also needs to figure out that he now has a partner, a child and a busy job so naturally he will see less of her than when he was single - he has to balance everyone's needs. And that when he invites her, it's for his benefit so he should be hosting, cleaning up, bed changing or whatever OP wants him to do.

But this is his job, not the OP's to make it all work for him or for him to sulk when he makes a crap plan and it doesn't work out.

YANBU, OP. He asked (sprung it on you really), and you were well within your rights to say no, you wouldn't be happy with the idea.

It's a 4 day holiday, and there will be travelling on 2 of those days. And he wants her there for the 2 non-travelling days and overnight? So much for your family time, which will already be a very short thing.

He should take DD to see his mum another time, long weekend perhaps?

I'm a MIL, well, sort of, none of my DC are married but all have long term partners and one has DCs.

I would no more think of joining them on a family holiday than fly in the air. They are a family unit, they need time to relax together and recharge their batteries together.

I enjoy seeing my DC and their DPs and we all get on very well, but muscling in on their time as a family? No thanks.

I holiday occasionally with my MIL, wouldn't with my mother though...

YANBU. He's being a dick if he's not talking to you for this. These things should be discussed and agreed in advance.

Sorry, mean't to say. Stick to your guns OP. This is your holiday too. He can see his DM another time he doesn't need to take her on holiday with him.

YANBU.

Your MiL has had two substantial visits in the last three months and DH wants here there for the bulk of a short family holiday?

If it had been agreed up front that is one thing, springing it on you last minute isn't reasonable, nor is the sulky child routine when you say 'no'.

Any reason why she can't just visit for a weekend after the holiday rather than take over a precious family holiday?

Christ, that'd be a tall, cold glass of Nope from me, but then I'm thinking about my own MIL, who we'll be hosting aaaalllll next week. And no, MIL Advocacates, I am not without fault. But that's off-topic. Back to OP: there seem to be several issues here all competing with each other. In no particular order:

1. If DH wants to have holiday time with his DM, he needs to organise it. As PPs have said, if he factors that in when you're busiest, her time is therefore most valuable to everyone concerned. So it's not a "No I don't want your DM in my life", it's a "Not on this occasion. Here are all the other ways you can make it happen."

2. You have an absolute right to veto extra invitees on your hols, and so does he.

3. If he doesn't like your answer, sulking is not an appropriate response. That needs nipping RIGHT in the bud.

4. You have an absolute right to want to spend every waking minute with your DD during those days. For those saying "you see her everyday", the humdrum routine of breakfast/bath/bed is not the same as spending time with your hair down doing whatever you feel like. That IS precious. And rare, by the sounds of it.

5. And as other PPs have said, the two days in question are the main two days of your trip. So, again, no. If the hours she'd visit are "so few" (as your DH might argue) then it isn't much loss toher not to go, and she'll be happy to wait for a better opportunity, and if the hours are "so many" then she won't want to eat up all your holiday time.

I come from a culture where extended family all love together and can say it does not work. There are awful rows and power play and it's a very toxic way to live.

Having said that in our family each family had their own self contained flat on the family property.

They all split up after decades of living together and now are much happier and get on far better.

It does not work. They took care of my grandmother whilst she was alive and managed it just fine without living in her house with her.

It's fine to want parents on your family holidays it's not fine to sulk if your partner doesn't want it.

I will never understand the automatic hate for MILs on MN. Every MIL is someone's DM.

I don't think wanting a family holiday = hating MIL!!

OP hasn't said a word against MIL just doesn't want her on holiday with them

Bit of projection here:
My first boyfriend, and fiancé (now very ex) was "very close to his mother".
When I used to go round to theirs, I felt like there was some kind of weird "mother and son" club that I really wasn't any part of, I was a total outsider. It was very uncomfortable, and I didn't enjoy spending time with them because of this. Thankfully they never invited me on holiday with them and equally thankfully, we never ended up getting married.

As I said, I'm projecting - but if there's even a smidgeon of the sort of thing going on with the OP's DH and his mother then I entirely understand why she wouldn't want her along on holiday.

I think you need to find out whether he has actually already invited her. That might explain his childish sulk - he's trying to work out how to tell you that it's a done deal.

I totally get you. sounds like you were looking to have some special time with your daughter, which can be very hard if you work full time. Totally understandable.

FWIW my mother usually comes and stays with us for 2-3 days our our 2 week summer holiday. (We holiday near to her but a long way from us). During this time, which is lovely, I basically run a hotel while DM and DD play excitedly together. I am unable to alter this dynamic.

I totally get why you don't want MIL there for a significant part of a much needed holiday.

OP I'm just going to spin this on it's head a bit - assuming your MIL lives on her own.
Fast forward 30 years and imagine your Son In Law has just written this post about you...... hurtful? We sometimes live in our own little insular bubble and don't think about others - bet she would love some quality time with her son, her daughter in law and her lovely GD, especially if she lives quite a way away.
Hopefully most of us will be PIL's one day

YANBU. I don't hate my MIL but there's no way on earth I would want to go on holiday with her and thankfully DH feels the same. We did it once and I was ready to go home within hours.

Rather than having MIL staying with you, can you go an visit her when you leave on the Friday morning? DH and I go to a place near his son and family and my aunt and, if it's convenient, we visit on the way there or on the way back.

Lots of people on this thread don't seem to take into account the fact that you spent 7 days with your MIL in January and 5 days in December. It's only March now ! I can see why you want your next holiday from work without your MIL yet again.
I bet your DH has already invited her and that's why he's sulking.

Nothing the OP wrote about her MIL was hurtful. She doesn't have to put herself last now on the basis that she might get put first eventually in 30 years.

Threads like this amuse me no end: it always seems to be that it is the received wisdom that the younger generation are the ones who may (not) be graciously pleased to have the auld folk along on their precious downtime.

Am I the only DMil/DM who would rather stick pins in her eyes than share a holiday with my children/grandchildren, whom I adore.

What suits them be blowed... I would hate it; they would cramp mine (and DH's ) style no end.

Doesn't answer your dilemma OP but I may have missed...does your DMil actually WANT to join you? Hasn't she had enough with 12 days in the last couple of months. I know I would have done!

User1486, I thought the same: DH has either already invited her, or she's asked if she can come and he struggles to say no.

If that's the case, too bad. He'll have to find a way to backtrack with his mum and NOT blame OP.

He needs to apologize for the silent treatment/sulking (the silent treatment is a form of abuse, btw), and