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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU DH wants to invite MIL on our holiday

107 replies

Cosette123 · 19/03/2017 10:21

DH always suggests taking his DM on holiday as he is very close to her. I always say no, thank you.

We haven't had any time off work since Xmas and our last holiday was August last year. We both work FT.

Husband is normally away mon-fri and some weekends with work. I freelance and taking time off work is difficult (for me) as I know the amount of money I lose from not working.

This week husband is off and I am off tue-fri. We have a just turned 2year old DD who goes to nursery full time.

We are renting a cottage 2hrs away from us and about 2 hrs away from DH mother.

I am looking forward to our time away as a family as special time together is rare & I worry about the time I am missing with my DD.

DH has just suggested we invite his mother along wed-thur, 2 days, "just" 1 night. WTF

I am really pissed off and got a bit angry at him.

He says it's the only time in the next month or so we'll be able to see her and we haven't seen her since January so makes sense (in January she stayed for 7days having only just returned from 5days at hers after Xmas). I said whilst she is absolutely lovely it totally changes the dynamics of the holiday and I want to spend time with my DD not have someone else competing for time with her.

As I said no he is pissed off with me and not speaking.

AIBU??

OP posts:

Astro55 · 19/03/2017 11:19

Just say no! He needs to arrange to see his mother on his time - if she was here 7 days in January did he take time off work to see her - or just expect you to entertain her?

Men see things differently - He wants someone to babysit and you want time with your child -

Aeroflotgirl · 19/03/2017 11:20

Yanbu, to not compromise, and not even consider it. Would you say the same if it was your mum?

Aeroflotgirl · 19/03/2017 11:21

Or he can take his mum on holiday for a few days.

TotalPineapple · 19/03/2017 11:23

YANBU, we go on holiday with MIL (and sFIL and SIL, BIL, AuntIL, UncleIL, and GranIL every year), but if I'd planned a nuclear break and he sprung inviting MIL on me too I'd say no.

He's NBU to ask, but he is BU to sulk about you saying no.

wobblywonderwoman · 19/03/2017 11:27

No, your holiday is your holiday but he does need to see her, so maybe he should make plans (but not for those few days)

My dh - if I ask what should be do today or if he gets time off, always suggests his mother. It is good they are good to their family and in the long run it might reflect how they will treat you in years to come.

In saying that, I nearly left dh when our baby was six months old as he spent every Saturday visiting her and cake home in time for dinner - I still resent it and we are visiting today yet gave done nothing of interest all weekend but such is life.

wobblywonderwoman · 19/03/2017 11:28

Came home

fuzzyduck1 · 19/03/2017 11:28

I'd take her along would give you and dh some time alone if she would baby sit that night.

pigeondujour · 19/03/2017 11:34

I don't agree that it would necessarily give you 'alone time', I think it might make you basically the host.

Glossolalia · 19/03/2017 11:36

I agree with finova

Weds and Thursday are your 'main days', so it's hardly just one night.

YANBU.

happypoobum · 19/03/2017 11:37

YANBU

If he really wants to have a holiday with his mum then he should arrange that separately rather than hijacking your family holiday like this.

pringlecat · 19/03/2017 11:42

JaniceBattersby The OP says her DH is particularly close to his mum. I think we're all entitled to spend time with our loved ones, whoever they are. Fair enough that the OP doesn't want to see her MIL, but she should facilitate an alternative for her DH to see her another time if so.

Chewbecca · 19/03/2017 11:44

Neither of you are being terribly unreasonable.

But given it doesn't work for you to share this break, your DH needs to book/arrange an alternative time to see his DM (with your DD).

numberseven · 19/03/2017 11:50

I think we're all entitled to spend time with our loved ones, whoever they are. Fair enough that the OP doesn't want to see her MIL, but she should facilitate an alternative for her DH to see her another time if so.

Seems she has, if they just spent 7 days hosting MIL in January and 5 days visiting MIL at christmas.

OwlinaTree · 19/03/2017 11:51

Most other cultures seem to manage to co habit across several generations and have no problems.

Is this really true? Some egs please! I'm pretty sure most Europeans don't, neither do usa, Australia, nz.

Hulder · 19/03/2017 11:58

Lots of other cultures cohabit across generations but to say it causes no problems is stretching it a lot.

Some families can do it, but often there is a daughter or DIL at the bottom of the heap doing grunt work with v poor mental health, waiting for the time she finally gets to the top - when all to often she repeats the cycle on her DIL.

The burden of making it work usually involves a women suppressing all their needs and wishes.

Smartiepants79 · 19/03/2017 11:59

Well I understand why you don't want her to come but can also see why he would be upset that she can't. If my husband asked if my 'lovely' MIL could come ( only for 1 night?) I would have to say yes. We go on holiday with my parents at least once a year. Can you not just see it as another pair of hands and a bit of a rest. I have to say I quite like it when family come along on our 'family' holiday (MIL is part of the family). It takes the pressure off me (or my DH) having to do everything.

gillybeanz · 19/03/2017 12:07

It's not mil fault you both work ft though.
Although I can see your point and YANBU I think you need to make time for her too, soon, at a different time.

acquiescence · 19/03/2017 12:09

You sound pretty mean. It is one night, it means a lot to your husband, and she will get to see her granddaughter. Are there some details missing- is she awful, has she done something terrible to you, does she treat your daughter badly? If not I think YABU.

pigeondujour · 19/03/2017 12:11

I would be happy for my DP's mum to come on holiday too, and he'd be happy for my parents to come (we actually spend a few weekends a year the five of us together.) That's irrelevant here though because the OP doesn't want that, and doesn't deserve to be cold-shouldered for it. If she agrees now it positively reinforces that if he blanks her when she disagrees, he gets what he wants and she doesn't.

Bambamrubblesmum · 19/03/2017 12:11

Owlina we've got extended family in Australia and they are very much more interconnected as a unit. 3 generations living under one roof. Much more focus on whole family looking after and spending time with kids.

pigeondujour · 19/03/2017 12:13

OP doesn't sound mean. Her husband sounds like he's being mean to her, though.

astridfarnsworth · 19/03/2017 12:14

Is this really true? Some egs please! I'm pretty sure most Europeans don't, neither do usa, Australia, nz.

Are you serious with this question? You can't think of ANY other cultures aside from Europe, the US, Australia and NZ? In the world?

Though I agree with Hulder that just because it happens in other cultures doesn't mean it always goes smoothly.

hellsbells99 · 19/03/2017 12:15

Your MIL hasn't seen her son or grandchild for 2 months? And you are going to a cottage only 2 hours away from her? At the very least, you should go and see her whilst you are there.

PacificDogwod · 19/03/2017 12:20

Reading your OP again I think this is actually less about your MiL and more about how you and your DH communicate.
Springing this on you is not fair, and you now sulking is not constructive, is it??

It sounds to me like the 2 of you need to find a better way to communicate with each other.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 19/03/2017 12:22

Cosima, I think that you should stand your ground on this one.
Could you possibly drive over, and take MIL out for lunch ?

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