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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I need unbiased opinions, AIBU?

123 replies

Preggocinders · 19/03/2017 09:54

So I posted about my "d"h behaviour a week and a bit ago www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2873095-AIBU-to-expect-more-from-dh and it opened my eyes to what was actually domestic abuse. For those who don't want to read the whole thing, he basically wouldn't allow me to speak to or see my family, controlled all the money and was horrible to my ds and wouldn't let me be affectionate towards my ds in his presence, I'm about to give birth and he treated me like a slave, didn't help me out in any way and wouldn't allow any of my family to know the baby (when he comes) in any way. LTB and my family were amazing, and so relieved.

I left and stayed with my parents for a week, and got back in the house on Thursday and he had taken all the baby's clothes, pram, car seat, travel cot, drawers, swing seat and all toys. He paid for them so says they are his. Basically left the crib and bath. I've managed to beg borrow and steal to get the house furnished (he literally took everything with him) and get some clothes together for baby. I've had no income as I'm waiting on benefit applications being processed.
So, my Aibu question...
I've said he can't come to the birth, but I will allow him to visit the baby in hospital and at my own house, supervised, and with ds1 no where near him. He says that's not good enough and he wants to take the baby away for a few hours contact a couple of days a week. My parents think he should not be anywhere near any of us, and I'm still being controlled by him. I also want baby's last name to be double barrelled with my maiden name, but stbexh says he has spoken to a lawyer and I can't do that, it has to be just his/my married name, and won't agree to it. So, given how arsey he has been with taking baby's stuff(which he won't get to use) along with all the emotional control and abuse, AIBU with my thoughts on contact should he have no contact at all til it's court ordered, or should he see the baby supervised.
No way is he taking the baby out.

OP posts:

Needabreak101 · 05/04/2017 07:12

Cinders just wanted to reply quickly to say I have been in a similar position to you many years ago.

My advice would be do not let this abusive controlling man have any contact with the baby unless he goes through court himself and it is supervised.

Do not give the baby his surname under any circumstances, you don't have to.

picklemepopcorn · 05/04/2017 07:18

You are in such a strong position you know. You've done everything right, changed your locks, informed midwives etc.

He is just flouncing, throwing threats about because he can't have his own way. Imagine him in a big flouncy ball gown. No one is going to listen to him. They may be obliged to follow up, but only in a brief respectful fashion.

Hang in there.

dvsurviv · 05/04/2017 07:20

Deep breath - you can do this.

Look how far you've already come! You've shown him who is boss and he's smarting and trying to lash out.

Remember he still knows how to wind you up - it's about the only control he has left - so don't give it to him!

Just keep up your trail of evidence of abuse in the background. I would also try to get legal advice.

MsJamieFraser · 05/04/2017 07:32

Ignore the idiot, even if SS did come, you can show them the texts, keep all communication documented, they will see its him and not you

Rossigigi · 05/04/2017 07:33

Congratulations!!

Don't worry even if the twat goes to ss, they will look into it but see how good a mum you are and that it is a malicious report. I know that doesn't ease your worry but it won't be the first or last time they encounter an ex like this.

Well done you for standing your ground, I remember your last post. You should be proud of how well you have managed, many people on here are proud of you.

Original poster

Preggocinders · 05/04/2017 07:35

I contacted SS myself to make them aware of the situation, and gave a statement to the police to kind of make the abuse official IYSWIM. I just can't get over how evil he is.

OP posts:

GloGirl · 05/04/2017 07:36

I k ow this is the last thing you want to do but you need to tell someone that you are anxious.

You've only just given birth and panic atracks and stressful thoughts are very common and not too difficult to deal with if it gets managed early and completely.

It is really common - I say that because I worry you'll think you can't tell your GP or HV because they'll think I'm mad. They won't. They'll think you are a very normal hormonal new mother and most of all that you are honest with them which means you're not hiding anything.

Go and get help - your kids need a healthy Mum.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 05/04/2017 07:43

Congratulations on the baby!! Block his number. All means of contact and concentrate on your dc. . Idle threats are just that. .

Rossigigi · 05/04/2017 07:48

If you've already contacted them there is nothing to worry about. Well done on doing that- you are way stronger than you realise.
As ^^ mentioned do speak to your GP and midwife/HV about your worries, they will be able to support you appropriately. I spent years with anxiety and it got me down so much. Confided in the GP last year and I do wish I had done so earlier.

I know it's not a mumsnet thing but sending you a big hug

mrslol · 05/04/2017 07:55

Don't have much advice but just wanted to say well done, everything you've done has shown that you are putting your children first. Stay strong.

LindyHemming · 05/04/2017 08:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NameNotANumber · 05/04/2017 08:35

Congratulations on your new baby cinders.

Your abusive XH is just being a twat. Ignore and do not engage.

Well done on finding the courage to leave and give your boys a great new life.

SS do not swoop in and take kids away. They are very used to vengeful time wasting exes making stupid accusations. Don't give it another thought.

You are so strong and brave.

JamDonutsRule · 05/04/2017 08:40

Arkhamasylum · 05/04/2017 09:08

He's doing this so he can pretend he still has power over you. He's pathetic. You're a good mum. You protected your children. I doubt he'll go near SS, but if he does, they'll learn first hand what an abusive wanker he is. The fact that he stole your baby's stuff to hurt you and control you speaks volumes.

Please enjoy your children. He's just making those bumping noises that rubbish makes when you throw it far away.

ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 05/04/2017 10:50

He's acting like a petulant child because he's lost control, and he doesn't like it at all. From personal experience, people will see him for what he is, and you'll get all the support you need, you just have to reach out and ask. Please don't let this idiot headfuck you .

If you haven't yet, I suggest contacting Lighthouse - they are really nice and you'll get lots of support from them, as well as it being another piece in the trial of evidence against him.

ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 05/04/2017 10:52

He's just making those bumping noises that rubbish makes when you throw it far away.

That's such a good way of putting it Ark .

ExplodedCloud · 05/04/2017 11:09

Very late to this but congratulations on being a strong fabulous mother to two boys :)
You must be doing well for him to have had to resort to the big red Social Services button already! It really is a massive tantrum because none of his previous stops have brought you to heel. Like all tantrums, it will pass when it doesn't work.

StarryIllusion · 05/04/2017 11:17

I would do this. Change your name now by deed poll, before the birth. Then your baby can have either name. Do not tell him when you go into labour and register the baby asap after the birth with your surname. Up to you whether you put him on the birth certificate but personally I wouldn't. Do not tell him of the birth or anyone who might tell him, until baby is registered.

Change locks if you haven't already. Make sure he can't get in unless you let him in. Don't let him in. Allow no contact. Let him go to court over it and provide as much evidence of his ongoing abuse as you can. When contact is court ordered, insist on a contact centre and request that all contact be supervised.

File for divorce on grounds of unreasonable behaviour and cite domestic abuse. Ideally do all this before baby is born.

Do not speak directly to him at all. All communication in written electronic form with copies saved.

StarryIllusion · 05/04/2017 11:19

Sorry op it only loaded the first 3 pages so didn't realise I was late to the party. Congrats on the birth!

FoodGloriousFud · 05/04/2017 11:20

Well done for leaving op that must have been absolutely massive for you. I totally agree with pp about giving children the same surname then you changing yours. That's a brilliant idea as it's so much harder to change children's names. I also wouldn't name him on the birth certificate. Best of luck op.

FoodGloriousFud · 05/04/2017 11:23

Didn't load for mine either! The pp i read was about giving new baby the same surname as your DS then you changing your surname to that so you all have the same one. You're doing incredible op!! Stay strong, he's a twat.

IAmNotAWitch · 05/04/2017 11:35

Congrats on baby.

Tell him once in writing to stop contacting you.

If he does so again contact the police. Ideally get a lawyer who can interact with him on your behalf.

Do. Not. Speak. To. Him. Everything in writing. Everything.

Crazycatladyloz82 · 05/04/2017 11:43

You can give the baby any surname you want. Your maiden name could be Smith, your married name Jones and when you register the baby you can choose Brown as it's surname for example. I never took DHs surname and when registering DC we were asked are we double barrelling or doing a combo surname or picking a whole new one. All these are possibilities. As for visiting hell hell no. Do it through the courts and ensure it is supervised. He will use the baby as blackmail and he won't bring it back when he says just to play with your head.

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