I need unbiased opinions, AIBU?

[Preggocinders]

So I posted about my "d"h behaviour a week and a bit ago www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2873095-AIBU-to-expect-more-from-dh and it opened my eyes to what was actually domestic abuse. For those who don't want to read the whole thing, he basically wouldn't allow me to speak to or see my family, controlled all the money and was horrible to my ds and wouldn't let me be affectionate towards my ds in his presence, I'm about to give birth and he treated me like a slave, didn't help me out in any way and wouldn't allow any of my family to know the baby (when he comes) in any way. LTB and my family were amazing, and so relieved.

I left and stayed with my parents for a week, and got back in the house on Thursday and he had taken all the baby's clothes, pram, car seat, travel cot, drawers, swing seat and all toys. He paid for them so says they are his. Basically left the crib and bath. I've managed to beg borrow and steal to get the house furnished (he literally took everything with him) and get some clothes together for baby. I've had no income as I'm waiting on benefit applications being processed.
So, my Aibu question...
I've said he can't come to the birth, but I will allow him to visit the baby in hospital and at my own house, supervised, and with ds1 no where near him. He says that's not good enough and he wants to take the baby away for a few hours contact a couple of days a week. My parents think he should not be anywhere near any of us, and I'm still being controlled by him. I also want baby's last name to be double barrelled with my maiden name, but stbexh says he has spoken to a lawyer and I can't do that, it has to be just his/my married name, and won't agree to it. So, given how arsey he has been with taking baby's stuff(which he won't get to use) along with all the emotional control and abuse, AIBU with my thoughts on contact should he have no contact at all til it's court ordered, or should he see the baby supervised.
No way is he taking the baby out.

YANBU!

Yes, you need legal advice. ASAP:

This is horrible.

Get proper legal advice ASAP.
Give him zero unsupervised access. Do NOT let him take the baby away AT ALL - most courts wouldn't allow this in the first few weeks of life anyway and I wouldn't trust him one iota, he sounds dangerous.
Remember that he is an abusive, controlling, gaslighting arsehole - do not believe a single word he tells you without double-checking it with legal advice.

Well done for getting out, btw - that's a brilliant step you've taken. Now keep you and your DS (and baby) safe. xx

Some hospitals register in hospital.

I agree with this. My DTDs were born at 28 weeks and spent 4 months in hospital. Within days of them being born the nurses had sorted out the registration and everything. We got the birth certificates within a week. Speak to the hospital and see if you can get baby registered in hospital just after birth, considering the circumstances. I think you'll find they'll go out of their way to help you. Good luck.

Yes OP

please do not let him take the baby alone

He can refuse to give it back..

If he wants access let him to take you court and get a court order written up. Least this is enforceable

Well done you for getting away from the arsehole. avoid contact, don’t react, save any correspondence, ask him for a written confirmation of his legal opinion. Don’t tell him anything.

Respond to any reasonable requests, say no as politely to any unreasonable ones, the politeness will infuriate him.

Don't take legal advice from your abuser!

Every time he tells you what you can and can't do, just remind yourself he is trying to control you. Honestly, even if he tells you the sky is blue, I would look out of a window to check.

Call Women's Aid, tell your midwife and get yourself professional support.

I would stop all communication with him now - especially don't let him know when the baby is born and get it registered ASAP before he knows.

I just read your other thread and I just wanted to say how fantastic you are doing, well done, I don't mean that patronisingly but you acted so quickly for your children and you should be so proud of that. You obviously learned to be a good parent from your own parents

YANBU. I agree with your parents and think you need to listen to their wise advice rather than take notice of anything your abuser tells you.

Block his number on your phone and don't have any contact at all. Don't tell him when you've had the baby until after the birth is registered. DO NOT LET HIM HAVE THE BABY UNSUPERVISED AT ANY TIME.

Have you changed the locks to the house?

I can't imagine having to cope with this level of shit when heavily pregnant. I think the fact that he removed all of the baby things from the house tells you everything you need to know about how he'd be with the baby.

Your parents sound like they have a handle on things, can you rely more heavily on them? Could they come and stay to support you, or perhaps get a new mobile and let them text with him when necessary so you don't have to have any contact at all.

for you, you are so brave

Please go see a solicitor. Change your name to your maiden name (you do not have to use his name even when still married). Don't tell him the baby has arrived until after you've registered the baby. Talk to woman's aid. But so glad to hear you're ok

God no don't let him anywhere near the hospital and don't let him have any contact unless the court dictate's so and if you've got proof of his abusive behaviour and him stealing items from your home make sure you keep all proof if and when you have to go to court(lots of men that are abusive and bleet about they're right's don't bother following it up)there's every chance they won't allow him contact or it will be few and far between and at a contact center.

Speak to your HV/Midwife(give them a ring today)and inform them about what's happened and make sure the hospital knows when you go into have the baby,tell them he's not allowed to visit you and no information about you or the baby should be passed onto him via phone!

Ring womens aid as well they'll be able to help you with what you can do now and in the future,they'll be able to help you get legal advice as well.

They'll also be able to tell you what to do about the birth certificate as well.Make sure he doesn't know when the baby is born though,that's very important otherwise he can go and register the baby on his own as your still married.

Stay strong you will get through this,there's so many of us on here that have sadly gone through what your going through.

Your doing the right thing,you making a new and happier and more settled future for you and your DC

He has no rights over name whatsoever - UNLESS the child already had his name and you wanted to change it, sometimes that is denied by courts.

So he's lying about seeing a lawyer - or he has a stupendously shit one. More likely he's on some dodgy MRA site and they're filling his head with all sorts.

Listen to the archers it sounds like Helen and Rob scenario

Loads of good advice. Ask to speak to the Safeguarding midwife at the hospand they will help to plan for your admission. They should also liaise with your HV and SS to ensure you are all safe. This is a time to welcome advice and support from every agency going.If you need baby gear your HV may well know of a scheme for people in need. Stores etc often donate stuff but you need a referral.

If he's likely to find out when you are going into hospital ( could he have means to track you or anyone feeding him information?) then consider switching hospitals if that's an option.

Absolutely get legal advice and contact the police. And well done. Good luck.

I'd also advocate not telling him when you go into labour and telling the hospital to prevent him being there if he finds out.

Make an appointment to register the birth as soon as possible and only then tell him the baby has been born. Giving the baby the same surname as your DS is utterly reasonable, especially if you intend to revert back to that name.

Make sure you tell your friends and family not to post any baby news on social media until the birth is registered. This is very important- it's one of the easiest ways of him finding out what's going on.

Don't let him anywhere near you or your baby, no way. YOU decide what happens from now on, not him. YOU decide who will see your children where, when or at all. YOU are calling the shots now, not him, or anyone else. YOU are in charge, don't give him an inch. He is a controlling shit and YOU are a strong brave woman, who will protect her children from harm. Good luck with the new baby.

Don't speak to him in the phone ever. If you only communicate through text or email you will have a record of his lies and abuse.

Call the police and have a record of his abuse and harassment. Call every time he steps out of line.

As you are married all property is jointly owned so it doesn't matter who bought the baby stuff. It belongs to both of you. Report to the police that items have been removed from your house.

Court will not let him take the baby alone. Especially if you are breastfeeding.

This story ran on the Archers recently. You can register the baby at hospital and you need the birth documents. You can use whatever name you like, makes no difference if you are married or not. All the marriage does is give him automatic PR but that does not mean automatic contact and after what he has put you through he'll be lucky to get a couple of hours supervised contact a week.

Thank you for all the replies folks, I've looked into it, but baby brain isn't soaking up the info, but I THINK because we are in Scotland I don't need to change my name by deed poll, I can just start using maiden name again. He does have to go on BC but he can't go without marriage certificate and birth paper work from the hospital, so I could do it on my own. Family want me to prosecute as "coercive control" was an aspect of the abuse. Midwife has been amazing and put me in touch with different charities. Waiting on Woman's aid getting back to me. Locks changed and chains put on doors. DS1 keeps asking where the bastard is, DS1 loved him which makes it worse, but I just keep saying he has gone away. But I see such a difference in his wee personality already, he can be loud and play with his toys and get all the kisses and cuddles his little heart desires, just like any 2 year old should.
It's all been a whirlwind but already I feel happier and like I'm not holding my breath or walking on eggshells all the time.

You've a while to decide whether to prosecute him so don't put yourself under pressure about that right now (but the more evidence and help from agencies you get, the better). So glad to hear DS is doing well and getting hugs whenever he needs them

Huggles for you too.

If you are in Scotland - Coercive control is not a law - no one has prosecuted in England anyway.

Don't even tell him when you go into labour or when the baby's born until after you register the birth. Give baby your maiden name. I agree with your parents, I'd prosecute him. Engage with all the help you're being offered. You're doing great!

Have you considered having him charged for coercive control? Another poster on a different thread advised the op to do the same. A man was recently jailed for several years for behaving similarly like your soon to be ex husband.

www.cedarnetwork.org.uk/about/supporting-recovery/what-is-domestic-abuse/what-is-coercive-control/

rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-information/violence-against-women-and-international-law/coercive-control-and-the-law/

www.google.co.uk/amp/www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2016/09/09/man-24-is-one-of-the-first-people-jailed-for-coercive-control-of/amp/