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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I need unbiased opinions, AIBU?

123 replies

Preggocinders · 19/03/2017 09:54

So I posted about my "d"h behaviour a week and a bit ago www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2873095-AIBU-to-expect-more-from-dh and it opened my eyes to what was actually domestic abuse. For those who don't want to read the whole thing, he basically wouldn't allow me to speak to or see my family, controlled all the money and was horrible to my ds and wouldn't let me be affectionate towards my ds in his presence, I'm about to give birth and he treated me like a slave, didn't help me out in any way and wouldn't allow any of my family to know the baby (when he comes) in any way. LTB and my family were amazing, and so relieved.

I left and stayed with my parents for a week, and got back in the house on Thursday and he had taken all the baby's clothes, pram, car seat, travel cot, drawers, swing seat and all toys. He paid for them so says they are his. Basically left the crib and bath. I've managed to beg borrow and steal to get the house furnished (he literally took everything with him) and get some clothes together for baby. I've had no income as I'm waiting on benefit applications being processed.
So, my Aibu question...
I've said he can't come to the birth, but I will allow him to visit the baby in hospital and at my own house, supervised, and with ds1 no where near him. He says that's not good enough and he wants to take the baby away for a few hours contact a couple of days a week. My parents think he should not be anywhere near any of us, and I'm still being controlled by him. I also want baby's last name to be double barrelled with my maiden name, but stbexh says he has spoken to a lawyer and I can't do that, it has to be just his/my married name, and won't agree to it. So, given how arsey he has been with taking baby's stuff(which he won't get to use) along with all the emotional control and abuse, AIBU with my thoughts on contact should he have no contact at all til it's court ordered, or should he see the baby supervised.
No way is he taking the baby out.

OP posts:

TimeToMoveOnUp · 19/03/2017 10:21

Don't tell him anything more about the name, as if he hasn't already worked it out, you don't want him to realise he can register it without yoi being there. Some hospitals register in hospital. When you've given birth and feel up to it, make it one of the first phone calls you make to book the appointment, tell them it is for you alone, not your husband due to abuse.

Tell your midwife your fears. You don't have to let him in the hospital or your house, just tonne nice. Don't let him take the baby. If you genuinely want him to meet the baby, tell him he can meet the baby with your parents present (recording the conversation) if he brings back the babies things (even in a text conversation this will be useful).

You've done so well.

And if you haven't already then talk to your midwife about leaving abuse and safeguarding post natally.

I think as you are married you have to put his name, but you can give your baby any surname you want. If you were happily married Mr & Mrs Smith you could give your baby the surname Rainbow. Or if you were maiden name Jones, Husband Smith, baby could be surname Rainbow. It's not a legal requirement to have the same names as parents married or otherwise.
Give the baby your maiden name. Do but double barrel and revert yours and in the future double barrel or revert your sons if possible. Your baby will bneber know this man in their life so do not give them thei name. Just look at how much he thinks of "his" baby already by taking things to keep it warm, safe and comfortable.

emptygirl123 · 19/03/2017 10:21

Just register the birth by your self and give the baby Your name .

I have just copy and pasted this from gov website if you google who can register a birth you will find it but hes the info you need
The mother can choose to register the birth on her own if she isn’t married to the child’s father. The father’s details won’t be included on the birth certificate.

It might be possible to add the father’s details at a later date by completing an application for the re-registration of a child’s birth.

Just rember you can and will move on from this .

TimeToMoveOnUp · 19/03/2017 10:22

RandomMess has a good point. Don't tell him about the birth until it has been registered.

Meowstro · 19/03/2017 10:23

You don't have any dc together yet so why answer his calls? Let him leave voicemails or texts and save them all, respond if necessary but be careful about what you write when you do. Get legal advice.

You don't even have to put exh's name as father but he will still have parental rights as you are married. Still, with surname you can have any you like.

If you don't want him taking the baby which is very understandable, don't let him. Make him take you to court (use saved communication as evidence).

TimeToMoveOnUp · 19/03/2017 10:24

Sorry just read he isn't your DS's father. That's even better, makes things simpler. If DS has your maiden name, all have that one, one little happy family unit, you've got this.

Neverknowing · 19/03/2017 10:25

It will really help if you're planning to breastfeed cinders as the court won't let him take the baby away from you.
Also I would write down how he treated your ds and say you're worried about him treating the baby badly. Emotional abuse is now a crime so you can also say how he treated you, I hope you have kept all texts as evidence! This is awful for you to go through at any time, especially when you're pregnant. Well done for being strong enough to leave him!

Lynnm63 · 19/03/2017 10:26

What a nasty piece of work he is. Don't tell him when you have the baby, register asap after the birth. I'd get legal advice this week regarding names and contact but I'd definitely make him go to court for contact. I wouldn't give this waste of space the time of day let alone access to my newborn.

blueskyinmarch · 19/03/2017 10:28

They are married so her DH’s name will have to go on the birth certificate. He will have full parental rights and responsibilities no matter what name the baby is registered under.

He will be entitled to to see the baby but it wouldn’t be in the best interests of the baby to be away from mum when newly born.

I agree OP needs to get legal advice on this ASAP.

unicornpoopoop · 19/03/2017 10:29

Do not let him take the baby without a contact order in place. As the father he will not have to give the baby back as you would have willingly given him/her over and as the father he will have as much rights as you do. The police will deem it a civil matter and you would have to get an emergency court hearing.

I doubt a court is going to order you to pass your newborn baby over though so don't let him bully you into anything. Tell him to go to court if that's what he wants.

QuiteLikely5 · 19/03/2017 10:30

Start keeping evidence. Emails and texts. The way to get them is by refusing to speak to him at all on the phone. He will soon start getting angry via email etc

Do not even tell this man when you have gone into labour, take pictures of the bare house he has left you.

Do not waiver in your resolve to stay away from him. I worry about your son who has been exposed to this monster.

DontTouchTheMoustache · 19/03/2017 10:31

Well done for getting out op, you have been incredibly brave. You need to dig deep and keep standing up to him. It's going to be tough because you will feel all over the place once the baby arrives due to hormones so make sure you let your family support you. I agree about not telling him baby has arrived until you have registered, and don't put his surname anywhere near the birth certificate. You owe this man nothing, if he cared for his child at all he would not have taken all the baby stuff away. All of this is about trying to keep control over you. Don't let him. I personally would say no contact without a court order, and push for supervised visits only.

QuiteLikely5 · 19/03/2017 10:32

You should consider saving your thread on here to show a judge if it comes to it.

Deny him access to the baby. I wouldn't let him within an inch.

Let him take you to court.

Please please consider going to the police with the emotional abuse he subjected you to it was illegal and you need a trail to prove it.

mummytime · 19/03/2017 10:33

Contact Women's aid.
Get their advice and recommendations for a lawyer.
This is Surrey CC's advice for Birth registration: note you get to choose the name and surname.
You just need to do this before him to make it simple - I would do my best to not let him know the baby is born until after you have managed to register the birth.

JonesyAndTheSalad · 19/03/2017 10:33

Don't let the fucker NEAR you or the baby and DO NOT put his name on the birth certificate.

BastardGoDarkly · 19/03/2017 10:36

He's a lying selfish bastard.

Well done on leaving op, your poor ds1, how is he?

Best of luck with the birth, so glad you've got your family back in your life.

flumpsnshit · 19/03/2017 10:38

Do not tell him about the birth until you have registered the baby.
My cousin went through similar with her stbxh and he went straight down the registry office and registered the name without her as they were married. He chose a different first and middle name as well.
It's all been sorted now but took a lot of back and forth at court.
Sorry I don't want to add to your troubles as you are doing amazingly well !

P1nkSparkles · 19/03/2017 10:38

I second the getting legal advice as soon as you can - as you're married he can definitely register the baby without you (I'm not sure if you have to put him on the birth certificate).

Sorry you're in this situation - but well done for leaving

ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 19/03/2017 10:38

From the thebabyregistry.co.uk/your-new-baby/register-the-birth

A mother can choose to give her baby any first or last name she likes. Baby can have her last name or the father’s. A father has no right to insist that his last name is used.

A married couple can choose to give their baby any last name – it doesn’t need to be the same as theirs.

So you can call the baby Pumpkin Pumpernickel if you so choose!

Well done for leaving, and no way would I let him take baby away for even a few minutes. In fact I wouldn't allow him anywhere near baby unless ordered to do so by a court. But no court is going to separate a newborn from his/her mother.

Sunnysky2016 · 19/03/2017 10:40

Just want to say how strong you are for leaving him. Some excellent advice so far.

Miserylovescompany2 · 19/03/2017 10:41

You can register your child and give them any surname you wish. I was married and registered my son with my maiden name. I would make your midwife aware and also your GP. They can make referrals to SS, in order to keep you all safe.

SS will also be able to arrange supervised contact.

As others have suggested, get legal advice ASAP. Cut all contact.

Soubriquet · 19/03/2017 10:41

OH God yeah don't tell him until after the baby is registered in case he tries to do it himself

He can if he wants to. Though doesn't he need the paperwork the midwife provides first?

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 19/03/2017 10:41

I would get a judicial separation, leave him off the birth certificate and keep well away from him.

blueskyinmarch · 19/03/2017 10:42

Because they are married he will have parental rights and responsibilities no matter what happens with the birth certificate.

MissJC · 19/03/2017 10:46

Omg just read both threads and this man is a fucking pig. Like an actual fucking pig.

I have a newborn and upon reading your posts I would rather let Peter Sutcliffe look after my DD.

Its only when your not married both parents need to attend the registration. This was the case with me and the DP.

He is a bully and once you stand up to a bully they turn out to be cowards. Well done you for leaving him, must have took balls of steel. Get legal advice get him assassinated.
xxx----

Astro55 · 19/03/2017 10:47

Yes please stop contact - you don't have to tell him you've had the baby - nor do you need him to visit - it sounds like he's still making demands

It will get worse before it gets better - expect him to ramp up hid demands

Get into phases 'I'll think about that' 'we'll see nearer the time'

You doing need to give him answers straight away! Take control

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