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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DP should stay home today?

115 replies

newnamechange84 · 19/03/2017 09:06

So, I've been ill since Thursday morning - yesterday I woke up in agony, body aching and in pain, very swollen tonsils and headache - I thought either viral or flu. Couldn't, and still can't, stand up on my own. So as not to drop feed this has probably been exacerbated by the fact I have a physically degenerative condition which has flared up. My DP went to work at 8.30 yesterday and by the time my dad had popped in, at 12.30, my three children, youngest 3, had been left to sort themselves out. DP arrived home at 5pm and my parents took kids up they're house. OOH GP came very late and confirmed flu/virus. I've woken up this morning still unable to do anything, I've been in bed since 10 on Friday night - normally I'll carry on through anything but this has really hit me for six. DP has his kids every Sunday - this means that as I can't be on my own I've got to go to my mums all day, he's often not home till after 10pm. I'm not exaggerating, I'm in absolute agony and can't even get to the toilet on my own. I know it sounds selfish but AIBU to think that DP should be staying home with me today? Or should I 'man up' a bit?

OP posts:

WateryTart · 19/03/2017 10:47

He could take his turn and still have his kids though Watery.

I agree with that but I got the impression that distance was an issue, perhaps I'm wrong.

PerfectPenquins · 19/03/2017 10:53

I think if your parents are having your kids and your partner having his then that's ideal you have a quiet day in bed recovering. Have all meds tissues etc up next to you and Get better. It's not always nice but as adults that's life we sort ourselves out.

I don't think it would be fair for your partner not to see his kids because your ill to be brutally honest you need to get on with it.

Oakmaiden · 19/03/2017 10:56

Watery - her children are being looked after. She wants him to cancel contact with his children so he can stay at home and look after HER.

I sympathise with how you feel, OP. But I don't agree with you. Get him to put together some snacks, a jug of squash, paracetemol etc on a tray near your bed, and hunker under your duvet for the day whilst he goes and spends time with his children. Maybe ask your mum to pop in late afternoon.

Original poster

newnamechange84 · 19/03/2017 10:57

Ok so DP has said he can't have all 5 - it's too much for him. 2 have mild SN (mine). DP ex expects him to be on call as such even though she barely spends any time with the kids as always dragging them up and down to her bf house when they want to be at home, which is why DP spend so much time at his kids home. I'm a good step mum - even on the two Sundays a month where my kids are with their dad I'm up and out with DP to collect them and plan a fun day. He does also have them midweek too, sometimes once, sometimes twice. DP puts them to bed and then just waits in ex's house until she decides she wants to come home. I've been a single parent for five years so I know what it's like but to be honest I still feel slightly like that now. I agree that I am being a bit U but given my pre-existing health condition this flu has hit me harder than it would a lot of people.

OP posts:

SookiesSocks · 19/03/2017 11:00

I agree with PP take the day to yourself and just rest with ni DC in the house if thats possible.

OurFlo · 19/03/2017 11:00

Wow. namechange you are obviously suffering and I don't think YABU to want the person who is meant to be there to look after you when needed, to do so.
My DD has never laid eyes on her father, she's a great, well-adjusted, intelligent and driven girl. It will not harm his DC or him if for one week he puts his DP first and gives you the bit of care you are obviously crying out for.

I get the alternatives, look after yourself while he has all the DC, look after yourself while he has his DC and your parents have yours...but you know what? You are ill and feeling shit and want to be looked after...for once. I don't think YABU at all.
I hope you feel better soon

Trifleorbust · 19/03/2017 11:00

I don't think it's reasonable for him to not have his own kids so he can look after yours. It's all of them, or his kids, surely?

HermioneJeanGranger · 19/03/2017 11:00

No they don't, not always. Sometimes awful things happen and DCs have to take second place, that's life.

Sure, but an adult having a virus isn't one of those times. She's not in hospital or incapable of getting herself to the toilet or anything like that - she just has a nasty virus. Stopping children seeing their dad (who they don't live with) because of that is entirely unnecessarsy.

He can either take his kids as planned, and leave OP home to rest, or bring his DC home and look after everyone. He doesn't need to cancel contact over it.

FlappinSwazy · 19/03/2017 11:17

So you have three kids from a previous relationship and your DP has two kids from a previous relationship? That's how I am reading it.

YABU. To expect him to cancel on his kids to look after yours. You need to sort out your own children's childcare. You can't expect your DPs children to miss out on time with their dad so he can look after children that aren't his.

FlappinSwazy · 19/03/2017 11:18

Also - if you were that ill with flu you would not be posting on mumsnet.

Original poster

newnamechange84 · 19/03/2017 11:18

Thank you - OurFlo. You've hit the nail on the head there - for once I just wNt to be looked after. Call me selfish but I'm never ill like this and yes I just want to feel cared about and like I come first for once. I have changed my life tremendously since I met DP, not that he hasn't, in order to enable his return to education. I'm very behind with my work ATM, my parents have helped out loads this weekend but normally I am on my own. I struggle to attend uni 6 hours a week. DP doesn't contribute to rent, bills etc as he can't afford to which has an effect on my kids as it means I have less to spend on them. I am trying to support everyone as much as I can and I guess I just expected more.

OP posts:

HermioneJeanGranger · 19/03/2017 11:22

So this is about a lot more than him not looking after you when you're sick.

Why doesn't he contribute to bills? He wouldn't have a choice if he lived on his own - he has kids and step-kids, he needs to work and provide for his family and to help his partner.

FlappinSwazy · 19/03/2017 11:22

"for once I just wNt to be looked after. "

No you don't, you want your kids to be looked after at a detriment to his kids.

DP doesn't contribute to rent, bills etc as he can't afford to which has an effect on my kids as it means I have less to spend on them.

This is a totally separate issue. If you've let him stay there rent / bill free that's an agreement between you. You can't throw that in his face when he's providing childcare for his children.

OurFlo · 19/03/2017 11:27

OP needs help when ill with a nasty virus and is struggling for help. She clearly doesn't feel strong enough to address the issue with her DP and ask for help directly so comes to a forum for a bit of support.

What do we do? Tell her she doesn't need help...suck it up. Everyone else is more important than she is, especially the children - who, incidentally do have another parent. No one is saying the children aren't important but one week in 52, one day in 365 won't harm them.

You do you OP, we all need a bit of support from time to time and there's nothing wrong with that. I know who'd be looking after all five children if the situation was reversed and your DP ill in bed.

FlappinSwazy · 19/03/2017 11:29

"No one is saying the children aren't important but one week in 52, one day in 365 won't harm them."

But it isn't one day in 365! They don't live with their dad. Why isn't the OP asking the father of her children to come and pick them up? Or his parents? I realise that there maybe issues with this, but you can't expect your partner to put you in front of his kids from a previous relationship. If you get into a relationship with someone having kids, surely you are aware that they come first.

Original poster

newnamechange84 · 19/03/2017 11:31

Thanks again OurFlo for actually understanding the situation. Actually DP was ill one night when we had all five for a sleepover and yes I ended up looking after all 5 and dropping them home etc the next day. To add a bit more info I have a degenerative muscle wasting condition. I've had to come to my parents for the day and my legs have given way three times in the last hour.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 19/03/2017 11:31

This isn't about today is it, this is the straw that broke the camels back. Why are you enabling your DP's Ex to be irresponsible, why are you financing his DC at the detriment to your own?

Your whole relationship is skewed so I'm not surprised you feel deeply uncared for!

Original poster

newnamechange84 · 19/03/2017 11:33

FlippingSwazy my ex only has my children under a strict court order - I also have residence. His parents are not allowed to see the children, court ruling, due to extreme mental health issues and alleged sexual abuse. So thank god for my parents today...

OP posts:

Trifleorbust · 19/03/2017 11:35

He doesn't sound like he is pulling his weight in the relationship. YANBU. But only after the drip feed.

OurFlo · 19/03/2017 11:41

It is one week in 52, one day in 365 unless the OP's DP is incapable of making that up in any of the other 51 weeks/364 days in the year....even then they are hardly going to be scarred for life!

I despair sometimes that we aren't kinder to each other as women. We usually form the lynch pin in a family unit and if we don't look after ourselves, we do those who rely on us, especially our children, a disservice too. No (wo)man is an island.

FlappinSwazy · 19/03/2017 11:44

He doesn't sound like he is pulling his weight in the relationship

This I totally agree with, but, that's a very different issue to him caring for his own children.

OP - sorry for the issues with your Ex and their family, but again, these can't be used as detriment against your current DP spending time with his own kids.

Hope you feel better soon, but, the first thing I think you should do is sit down and talk about his contribution to the relationship without giving up time seeing his children.

SookiesSocks · 19/03/2017 11:44

He should be looking after the OP but he should be doing want all parents do which is looking after the whole family.

FlappinSwazy · 19/03/2017 11:46

Ourflo He has a commitment to care for his children from a prior relationship. He's honouring that commitment on the agreed time / days.

Would dread to think what would be being said if he had stayed and looked after his partner. He'd be one of "those" Dad's that did maintain contact with their kids, he'd be getting a right roasting on here.

OurFlo · 19/03/2017 11:55

Flappin completely agree with you that he should honour the commitment to his children, disagree slightly that it should always be on the agreed time/days. If it has to be then there is no reason why he can't have all five children at home and spend five minutes every now and them making sure his DP is ok.

I also agree that he doesn't appear to be pulling his weight in the relationship.

What I do disagree with is the rough ride that the OP has had where the suggestion is she is BU for even expecting a bit of consideration for her and her children by her life partner. If she is BU to expect this then I am happy to BU with her.

hellejuice91 · 19/03/2017 11:58

This is a really difficult one. I have had flu before (without a degenerative condition on top) and it was horrible. If my fiance had not been there and I had been on my own that week I would have ended up in hospital.

That being said if this is the only time he gets contact with his children then he should have it.

Has he taken the other children with him?

Could he drop you off at your parents or a friends house?

I can see both sides here

Flip

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