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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask if it's better to find out gender in pregnancy or wait until birth?

61 replies

Hoptastic53 · 17/03/2017 23:31

I'm 18 weeks pregnant so technically I could find out now. We have three girls already, the youngest is 2. I found out with all three at 16 weeks but had been set on waiting until the birth for a surprise with this one but now I'm wavering. I'd like to be able to tell the girls, particularly the youngest, if it's a brother or sister and have them help me be prepared but part of me thinks a total surprise would be cool too. It's very likely my last DC so the last time I'll get to make this decision.

DH is desperate for a boy, I'm happy either way. If you've done both, what did you prefer - finding out during pregnancy or at the birth?

OP posts:

PurpleTraitor · 17/03/2017 23:34

Wait till the child decides their gender and ask them?

Italiangreyhound · 17/03/2017 23:37

I did not find out and I was very happy with that.

However, as your dh would like a boy I would find out the sex now, if you can be sure it is correct. Your dh may need some time to adjust to the idea that he is having another daughter.

I would say the worst thing would be to get it wrong, they tell you one thing and it's wrong!

But the second worst thing would be for your dh to be disappointed on the day of his fourth child's birth because he was keen for a son. I totally understand why your dh would want a son, and I don't think it is bad or anything that he does. I wanted a dd first time, and I got her.

But I think if he will need time to adjust to the idea of the sex of his fourth child then finding out sooner is better.

haveacupoftea · 17/03/2017 23:39

It just depends on personal preference. I'm at 29 weeks I'd have been driven mad by now not knowing if i was being kicked by a boy or a girl! Helps me with bonding and preparing. But there is no right or wrong, it's about you and your preference.

capricorn12 · 17/03/2017 23:39

Totally your choice but I would much rather know. I found out all 3 times and in all cases I'm glad I did as I think it gives you more time to prepare. I'd hate to only be able to buy neutral things. Also if either you or your partner have a preference, I think it's better to find out before the birth rather than at the birth.

illegitimateMortificadospawn · 17/03/2017 23:41

Wait till the child decides their gender and ask them?

Lolz

HappyPaddyDay · 18/03/2017 05:04

We found out as soon as possible.Purely because we're impatient. We did find it helped our eldest (3 at the time) get used to the idea of a sibling by telling him he was going to have a brother.

It was nothing to do with bonding for me, it was just wanting to know.

CocoLoco87 · 18/03/2017 05:11

We found out both times. Really helped DC1 (2yrs) prepare as we named the baby after 20 week scan so it seemed more real. We weren't buying clothes etc for a random child but for xxxx to wear. When xxxx did make a grand entrance it seemed very natural to DC1

Graphista · 18/03/2017 05:18

The FIRST thought that occurred to me was those videos of little kids on fb being told mum's having a boy/girl and them being heartbroken/angry/distraught.

That could be an argument for telling them now so they can get used to the idea especially if it's not the one they want.

BUT sonographers can get it wrong too and that will confuse little ones.

Dh is an adult I'm sure he'll cope whatever.

Fwiw I didn't know because dd wouldn't let any sonographers see! Coy little bugger

TheReferoo · 18/03/2017 05:55

See I think if you or your husband have a strong preference, it's better to wait. Your husband may be disappointed if he hears it's another girl when it's not there and he has no real connection. Whereas when it's born I bet he wouldn't care at all once the baby is in his arms. And if he does get the boy he wants it's doubly special!

kookiecookie3 · 18/03/2017 06:11

I'm 13 weeks pregnant with my third, with my other two I did wait till they were born and have the surprise, and yes it is nice, and the whole 'it's a xxx!!' being shouted in the delivery room etc. But as we have had two surprises, ended up being one of each, we are finding out this time. My eldest, 5 really wants to know, and keeps asking do we know what it is yet. We want to know too, to get everything prepared, to go out and shop for blue/pink instead of neutral, plus this is going to be our last so we want to do it a bit different.
As it's possibly your last, maybe do it different?? I doubt your DH will mind when the babe is in his arms rather than knowing 20 weeks beforehand, make it easier for him if it is a girl??

Keepingupwiththejonesys · 18/03/2017 06:18

I found put with my first two (both girls) but had a surprise with my third and last (boy). I'd wanted to find out with them all but dh didn't, with our first he just went along with my choice to find out, with our second it was practical to find out so again I got my way. I promised if we had a third we would have a surprise, was only fair and I kept my promise. I hated not knowing throughout the pregnancy tbh. It didn't taint my pregnancy though, I really loved the pregnancy and it went fast. Finding out the day I gave birth was absolutely amazing though, my dh told me baby was a boy and it was lovely. We 100% didn't care if baby was a boy or girl so don't know if that makes a.difference for whether you should/shouldn't find out. It did turn out good in terms of clothed not finding out for us. I bought very little coz we didn't know, with our girls they had absolutely loads. I got the basics in neutral colours in age 0-3 and three sleepsuits and 5 vests in newborn. My son was born weighing a whopping 10lb8oz I knew I'd have a big baby, girls where both just over 9lb but I didn't expect that lol. He didn't wear the newborn at all and only wore the 0-3 stuff for two weeks, he's now 4 and a half weeks and perfectly in 3-6. I dread to think how much I would have wasted on stuff that would have never been worn had I known he was a boy!

Basically, given the chance to do it again, yeah, I'd not find out as it was.a really amazing experience. If I had another child (which I am not!) But if I did, would I have a surprise again...no way . It was something I'd only do once!

RaeSkywalker · 18/03/2017 06:22

As your husband has a preference, I'd find out now.

AGrinWithoutACat · 18/03/2017 06:25

The first 2 were surprised but we found out with DC3

DD1 wanted a sister and DS wanted a brother, we found out what DD2 was just so I could tell them quietly and manage the disappointment as well as allowing whichever to get used to the idea before DD arrived

The videos are crass and cruel and there was no build up to artificially add excitement and anticipation for the DCs

Telling DS was the right thing for us as by the time DD2 arrived he was looking forward to meeting her - rather different to my DSIS who burst into tears when told her baby brother had arrived as she was heart set on a little sister (big sisters didn't cut it age 8!)

MadameJosephine · 18/03/2017 07:00

^^totally agree with this.

When I was pregnant with DD I didn't want to find out for this reason because, although I was over the moon to be having s baby of either sex at the grand old age of 41, I knew it was my last baby and I did have a preference for a girl I thought I might have a moment of disappointment if told boy at a scan but if I'd just delivered a beautiful baby boy and he was there in my arms I wouldn't. DP wanted to find out and in the end I gave the deciding vote to DS who was 16yo at the time and so we did find out at the 20 week scan. Although I did get my girl, I wish I hadn't as I feel I missed out on the excitement of finding out she was a girl at delivery.

Writerwannabe83 · 18/03/2017 07:06

When pregnant with DS we found out his sex at 16 weeks as DH really wanted to know whereas I would have preferred to have waited.

I'm now 18 weeks pregnant with DC2 and we don't know the sex but DH again is desperate to know. .I've told him that I want the surprise and that as he got his way last time then this time round I get the deciding say. He's not very happy and keeps trying to get me to change my mind.

I would be happy with either sex but for some reason I've convinced myself it's a girl and I'm worried that if we find out and we're told it's a boy I would feel a sense of disappointment and I really don't want that.

DS is almost three and he's also convinced it's a girl and keeps telling people about his baby sister so I'm wondering whether I shuykd hint out for his sake so I can prepare him for a brother if that's the case.

I've got my 20 week scan in two weeks time and I really don't know what to do!!

switswoo81 · 18/03/2017 07:14

I didn't find out. In my circle of friends only one found out just the done thing to wait. Dh desperately wanted a girl ( has 5 brothers no sisters) so like pp I felt there would be less disappointment when a real baby was placed in his arms.

Screwinthetuna · 18/03/2017 07:32

I loved finding out. Made a day of it, one of the best days of my life with both of my children (after their birth, obviously). To me, it made my baby so much more 'real' as we then named them that day and could refer to them as he/she rather than it. I also bonded a lot more once I knew I was talking to my named son/daughter and not just a mystery.

BoboBunnyH0p · 18/03/2017 07:33

I didn't find out with my first, and it was exciting in the delivery room to be told it's a girl. However we choose to find out with second as it helped to prepare DD for her sibling.

PunjanaTea · 18/03/2017 07:39

As you've found out before and you fancy doing it the other way then don't find out.

I've both found out and not found out for two pregnancies and I quite like having experienced both ways.

CigarsofthePharoahs · 18/03/2017 07:44

I was desperate to know with both of mine.
Once we knew, they then had a name and for me, the mental transition from a foetus called "it" to a little boy with a name was very positive experience.
I know some people who were determined not to know, but at both my scans my children were not at all hiding away so even if I hadn't wanted to know I'd probably have seen anyway!

Crunchymum · 18/03/2017 07:46

I think if one parent has a 'preference' then it's better to find out, allows plenty of adjustment time if baby is the 'non preferred' sex.

RNBrie · 18/03/2017 07:51

I've done both and it's equally special and lovely either way. My first two, we had surprises although I felt sure the second one would be a girl. And it's amazing when you meet them for the first time with no preconceptions.

The third I wanted to know for purely practical reasons, definitely our last baby and having had two girls we wanted to know if we should keep or ditch everything. Knowing she was another girl was brilliant and we could talk about "her".

So I don't think there is any downside of finding out if that's what you want to do. It might help for your dh to be forewarned if he's desperate for a boy and will be disappointed if it's another girl.

Gamtanner · 18/03/2017 07:53

I never found out before the birth and liked it that way but I would find out now if I were you because of your DH.

ElinoristhenewEnid · 18/03/2017 08:00

When i had my DC's there was not the option to know and I guessed wrong both times! I find it a little sad that parents are give that choice - a bit like finding your Christmas presents before the day as a child and spoiling the surprise on the day!

Okite · 18/03/2017 08:05

I didn't find out any time (have three).
I didn't do the whole pink/blue thing anyway as I can't bear it so there was nothing to prepare. When all of them were born, we were the first ones to hold them and find out the sex, it was a wonderful moment each time.

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