to ask if it's better to find out gender in pregnancy or wait until birth?

[Hoptastic53]

I'm 18 weeks pregnant so technically I could find out now. We have three girls already, the youngest is 2. I found out with all three at 16 weeks but had been set on waiting until the birth for a surprise with this one but now I'm wavering. I'd like to be able to tell the girls, particularly the youngest, if it's a brother or sister and have them help me be prepared but part of me thinks a total surprise would be cool too. It's very likely my last DC so the last time I'll get to make this decision.

DH is desperate for a boy, I'm happy either way. If you've done both, what did you prefer - finding out during pregnancy or at the birth?

[Hassled]

I did find out with DC1, just because my curiosity got the better of me and I lacked the patience to wait. DCs 2 & 3 - it was a nice surprise.
DC4 - I found out because I wanted to prepare DC3 more fully - make it seem a bit more real before the baby arrived.

But I didn't have a name for any of them - I had some ideas, but I've always felt I needed to see if they looked like an A or a B once they'd arrived. DC4 in particular - I had names A, B and C as possibilities but once he'd arrived, he was very definitely option B.

[theothercatpurred]

There's no right or wrong way but as others have said one partner having a preference is a good reason to find out do they can deal with their feelings long before the delivery room.

I had no preference the first time and didn't find out. It was lovely to meet my boy in the delivery room with his sex a surprise.

The second time round I secretly wanted a girl so I could have one of each. I decided to find out so I could have plenty of time to get over any disappointment, which I was sure I would do, but easier with the luxury of time and not having all the other emotions associated with birth to deal with at the same time. And also it meant I could stop wondering and use my brain to think about something else!

Also I wanted to tell DS whether he was having a sister or a brother (it was a sister after all :) )

In your shoes I would find out :)

[noschooll4mee]

It's the same surprise whether it's at 5 months or 9 months !

[ImGonnaSingTheDoomSongNow]

We waited with DD and we will with this pregnancy too. I have no interest in flooding the house with pink or blue stuff and even though DP has a mild preference for a boy this time he's not really bothered either way and, as this will be a rainbow baby, we just want it here and healthy and will be happy with whichever sex once it is born.

DD is convinced it's a sister for her but we just keep telling her it might be a boy. She's almost 4 so she'll be fine.

Also I'd be really miffed if the sonographer got it wrong.

[CesareBorgiasUnicornMask]

We found out with DS1 as the pregnancy was a surprise and we were a bit terrified, didn't feel ready for parenthood and wanted any tiny bit of certainty we could cling to. Now I'm 22 weeks with DS2 and didn't want to find out as wanted a surprise, but was sure I'd seen the relevant bits on the US at the 20 week scan so asked and I was right! DH was thrilled as he'd wanted to know, and tbh I actually like knowing. I'd been convinced this one was a girl as the pregnancy is so different to my last, so finding out it's another boy has been a lovely surprise anyway (not that a girl wouldn't have been lovely but you know what I mean!) and it's nice to talk to DS1 about his baby brother, and we had names picked for a boy and a girl so I like being able to call him by his name when I'm growling at him to stop kicking my bladder chatting to him.

I'm still sure not finding out is lovely too, though, and we have a third I will try to resist the urge to stare too closely at the scan!

[PeridotPeridot]

If someone in the house is desperate for one sex or the other, I would find out.

We're due ds3 soon. Ds 1 and 2 are 9 and 7.

Ds1 took the news badly because he was terrified it would be a girl. Really upset about it. We talked about it so much, established it was because he thought a girl would change things a lot more in terms of activities we do. He came around a bit but was still less than sure. We found out the sex because if there was to be any upset or disappointment, I'd rather that happened at 20 weeks, with another 20 weeks to get used to the idea.

Obviously different with your Dh as he's a grown up and I suspect wouldn't be bursting into tears! But for the same kind of reason, if he really wants a ds and is likely to be a bit disappointed initially at a dd, I would rather that disappointment happened at 20 weeks, not the hours after birth iyswim.

[noeffingidea]

It's actually sex, not gender that is determined from a scan. Not sure why the word gender is used.
Anyway, I didn't know with my first and third pregnancy until the birth (first case due to hospital policy, 3rd due to me not asking).
It doesn't really make much difference IME. I suppose it might if you're really into the pink/blue thing and have loads of money to spend on baby things during the pregnancy.

[QuackDuckQuack]

With DD1 we didn't find out - more through indecision than anything else. Though knowing someone who had been told they were having a girl and had a boy did sway me to not finding out as I don't think it's great for a boy to go through life with the hilarious tale of 'it was so small they thought you were a girl' (not that they actually work it out like that). I did have a preference for a girl, so convinced myself we were having a boy.

With DD2 we had the harmony test and they can tell you from that completely accurately whether your having a boy or girl. Initially we were going to find out because DD1 really wanted a sister, but she then seemed happy to have either so we didn't find out. We really didn't mind either way so it didn't matter to us. I felt after having DD1 that you don't have 'a girl' or 'a boy', you have that very unique individual and whether they were a boy or girl actually doesn't tell you much about your baby. Finding out when she was born was lovely, but I also remember clearly lying in the operating theatre thinking 'I'll never have a boy'. I didn't feel any emotion with it - it was just a factual realisation.

After all of that and many months later, I said to DD1 'you said you wanted a sister, it's lovely that you've got one now'. She said, 'I meant an older sister'.

[Camomila]

I found out, it made DS seem more like a real person to me and I could start imagining what he'd look like rather than just an abstract concept of 'baby'

[Screwinthetuna]

When i had my DC's there was not the option to know and I guessed wrong both times! I find it a little sad that parents are give that choice - a bit like finding your Christmas presents before the day as a child and spoiling the surprise on the day!

Then you've seen your Xmas presents though. This is like twice the surprise as you get the massive surprise of the gender at the gender scan, then you get the even bigger surprise of actually meeting them and seeing what they look/act like. It didn't detract from the excitement at all for me, intact it was more exciting wondering what my boy/girl was going to look like, once I knew it was a he/she!

[QuackDuckQuack]

It's interesting that a parallel is drawn with the surprise of presents. I really don't like surprise presents. I tend to look at them and wonder why someone thought I would like the item and don't really like having to keep random things in my already full house. Yet we were happy enough to have a baby boy/girl surprise as we wanted a baby and it's not like there was a huge range of alternative things we might have preferred to get. I liked the sense of Schrodinger's baby - that the baby was already a boy or girl but we just couldn't tell which.

[TisConfusion]

I didn't find out either time, I honestly didn't mind what sex my children were. I just felt extremely lucky that I could have children. It was really nice though to find out at the births, OH told me with DC1 and I told him with DC2.
I didn't feel sad that I couldn't buy things in pink or blue, it's just stuff.
I understand if you'd want to find out as your DH is desperate for a son but equally, if you don't find out I'm sure he'll be happy either way when the baby is born.

[Babbaganush]

I waited with both of mine.
When I had dd the mother in the next bed had just delivered boy / girl twins and had been told she was expecting 2 boys. She was very happy but very shocked! When I had ds I wavered about finding out but kept thinking of that shocked mum, I decided I would rather wait until I could see for myself!!!

[AnyFarrahFowler]

We had a surprise with DS - it was fantastic having my DH tell me "it's a boy!" after a difficult labour. I was just over the moon to be having a baby, and felt very connected to my baby whilst pregnant. I never felt I needed to "prepare" myself - I knew I was having a baby!
I'm 6 weeks pregnant now with DC2 and we haven't decided yet if we're finding out or not. If we do it won't be because we want to know what clothes to buy! It'll be because we've discussed it and decided to experience both knowing and not knowing.

[SparkleTwinkleGoldGlitter]

There is no right or wrong on this, if you want to find out then do otherwise don't.

I only have 1 dc and I had a private scan to find out i was having a girl, for me I wanted to know if I had a boy or girl in my body I couldn't of waited any longer but I've never been very patient.

[Pinkheart5915]

It's very much a personal thing.

I couldn't wait until birth to find out I just wanted to know, the child was in my body so I think I had a right to know and dh was excited to know as well. My first baby was stillborn so when I had dd & ds I was just happy to be pregnant again and honestly didn't mind boy or girl but I wanted to know if I had a son or daughter it made me feel closer to them ( yes I know how daft that sounds)

[Sienna9522]

My DD is 12 days old. I couldn't wait to find out. I was driving myself crazy doing old wives tales and the nub theory etc. in an attempt to find out if she was a boy or a girl. It was all I could think about since finding out I was pregnant. Quite unhealthy actually. I had a private gender scan at 16 weeks. I really, really wanted a girl though and I think if I'd found out I was having a boy, 6 months would've been a good period of time to come to terms with it and bond.

[Topseyt]

I preferred to know.

With DD1 I couldn't know because our then local hospital had a policy not to tell in case they were sued for getting it wrong.

With DD2 and DD3 we lived in a different area and there was no such policy, thankfully. So I found out at the 20 week scans.

[SanitysSake]

I personally needed to find out, as I suspected I might have bonding issues.

It personally helped me to visualise and come to terms with the fact I was becoming a mum.

[Parker231]

We didn't find out - it didn't enter our heads to ask. We didn't mind what type we got (ended up with twins b/g) and didn't do the pink for a girl/boy for a boy so no gender clothes etc purchases. One of my sisters didn't find out and the other did but kept the news to themselves.

[Gizmo79]

I found out at 20 weeks, sonographer got it wrong.
Wouldn't change it for the world though as was overjoyed he ended up being there and healthy.
6 weeks old now:)

[turquoise88]

Why do people say they wanted to know because it gave them more time to prepare? You don't get more time. A pregnancy is the same length of time, regardless. It's such a bizarre statement.

The fact of the matter is, you can get by with a neutral going home outfit until the baby arrives, after which case people then buy you gender-specific clothing and toys etc. TIt's not like your baby is in gender neutral clothing for the first six months! The majority of babies also don't sleep in their own room until 6 months, so again, you can save gender-specific bedding etc until after they are born anyway.

It just comes down to whether people can be patient enough to wait the full nine months, or, in some cases I guess, people make decisions about housing (needing more bedrooms etc) in plenty of time.

[noeffingidea]

turquoise I think some people like to prepare on an emotional level, thats all.
Some people do have strong preferences or even concerns about the baby's sex.

[Awwlookatmybabyspider]

There's pros and cons to both senarios.
You find out you can get everything ready for you new little bundle. Sounds perfect, but supposing they got the gender wrong, because all though not very common it does happen. When I was in hospital with pre-eclampsia a women on the ward was booked in for a c/section. She was told she was Having a boy and came back with a girl.
I didn't ask as I wanted a surprise.

[Sierra259]

We waited with both of ours. The first time I really wanted a surprise and DH wasn't bothered either way. With DC2 it was the other way round! For me, the surprise made the whole pregnancy more exciting, but I completely understand why people choose to find out.