Evenings are hell. Help

[cjt110]

-not AIBU but posting here for traffic so please be kind-

DS is 2.5y old. He's very strong minded and independent. He usually goes to bed at 7pm and we eat tea at around 6pm. If he sits at the table and eats with us, I never get through a meal without stopping to help him or encourage him, or spoon feed him. He loses interest very quickly and will want to leave then table. We encourage him to eat more, one more spoon etc and end up saying to him if he doesnt eat anymore it must be bedtime. He will get upset when we tell him to go to bed insisting it is teatime. We say OK fine, lets eat tea, then the cycle starts again. He eats plenty. The day before last he had 2 slices of toast for breakfast, 2 small pears as a snack, 2 boiled eggs at lunch followed by 2 bananas. A biscuit mid afternoon then we served goulash and mash for tea. He ate 3/4s of it. I must admit, I'm less strict - if he's eaten some/most of it, I would be happy to give him a pudding and make no fuss of it but worry this is showing him if he doesnt eat i all, he still gets something nice afterwards. DH is focussing on what the HV said to do which is if we know he eats something, then not to give in to cries of toast or yoghurt.

I was brought up that at least if I had tried something and didnt like it, that was OK but I must try something. DH was basically made to eat whatever was put in front of him. Perhaps thats the reason for our approaches differing?

Last night we all ended up cross and upset over the whole thing and it's becoming a daily occurrence.

Is there anyone able to offer advice on what to do/try? I would be very grateful. Thank you.

foxessocks My plan to follow is very similar to yours! Good luck for tonight!

I'm another one who doesn't take any nonsense when it comes to meals. If my DC don't eat their dinner, they get nothing else. Period. If I give them new foods they have to try it, and if they genuinely don't, I'll give them something else, but they're very good, and will eat just about anything. (They're 8, and one of the fav foods is really hot curry. They will also eat an entire bag of raw spinach if I let them lol). I never force them to clean their plates, as kids are generally quite good at stopping when they're full. If they don't want to finish their dinner, but want something else, then they're not really hungry. Also, if they're 'not hungry' enough to eat their dinner, then they're not hungry enough for pudding, and they don't get any. If they throw a strop and won't eat dinner, they go to bed hungry.

I'm very strict about this, as I've had weight problems all my life, in a large part because of my parents' attitude to food. If they had taught me to eat better from a young age, then I wouldn't have the problems I've had with weight.

I also agree with others that 6pm is very late for a 2-year old to eat. My DTDs are 8, and they eat at 6.

So,

Earlier teatime say 4.45/5pm with supper/pudding at 6pm with us?

If he likes the food put in front of him but is refusing and asking for toast etc, then he isnt really hungry - just being fussy - and I should say so, he eats whats in front of him.

If he eats a fair amount (depending on food intake during the day) without clearing his plate he can then go to have a pudding?

Does this sound like a fair plan?

We encourage him to eat more, one more spoon etc and end up saying to him if he doesnt eat anymore it must be bedtime.

Personally I wouldnt do that. You are creating a battle over food, and linking negative emotions to 3 events; food, family dinner, and bedtime.
Earlier teatime sounds like a good idea as some people just arent hungry when they are tired and ready for bed. So try it and see what happens.
Our house rule is the only comment about food is whether you like it or not, or whether you'd like seconds or are full.

It gets so confusing with dinner/supper/tea meaning different things to different people lol. Perhaps everyone should just call it 'evening meal'.

I don't think you need to be linking not eating his tea to 'punishing' him to go straight to bed.....very old fashioned and it links eating to bad behaviour at a very early age.....lining him up for problems as he gets older.

Why not feed him tea a bit earlier (6pm for a 2.5 seems quite late) , then play, then bath, story, bed? Often, they get over tired eating too late and mess about more.

ChrisYoungFuckingRocks Yep!

I mean a meal in the evening (aka teatime in my world) and a snack later on (supper in my world)

cjt - where I grew up in South Africa, we had breakfast, lunch and supper/dinner. After 15 years of living in the UK, I still can't get my head around 'tea'. To me it's something you drink, not eat.

My son is the same age and we've had the same problems. Added to that putting bowls on head, smearing food on table etc.

I've posted about it before.

I've decided to just relax about it. I can't forced him to eat and I've decided to just trust him if he's hungry. Of course if he's smearing food we ask him to stop and if he keeps doing it we say he can't be hungry and must come down.

But he generally eats well if he's really hungry so we're just leaving it at that at the moment. I don't want dinner to become a battle, and it really was. Good luck!

This morning by 9.10 he had had 3 full pieces of toast with DH

That's a huge serving for a toddler, and it's just carbs.

You say he keeps asking for extra toast, but you don't have to give it - if he's having toast, I'd serve one slice at most and add some protein to keep him full for longer.

Similarly with the 2 of everything - two boiled eggs, two bananas, two pears etc - one is enough. You suggest that his portions are too large in general and I agree that when you serve food on his plate, it shouldn't cover the whole area - as with an adult serving, there should be an empty area round the outside of the plate.

He sounds as though he has a healthy appetite, which is good. I think I'd try giving him his main meal at lunchtime and something lighter - eg a boiled egg - around 5pm and see how that goes.

Try to avoid making dinner time a conflict zone - if you're eating, he could sit beside you having fruit or something if he wants it, but the atmosphere should be pleasant. Give him time to have a short play after dinner so that the end of the meal doesn't signal instant bedtime and it should become easier.

6pm is a very late tea for our 2.3 year old. I try to get him eating it by 5.30. We sometimes eat all together if DH is home or I just give him his (usually leftovers or something quick like pasta & homemade sauce from freezer) and we eat after DS bedtime.

I don't offer alternatives at all (unless he's poorly) so he eats it or gets ready for bed. He has started taking liberties by eating two bites then asking for yoghurt even if it's a meal he loves. I encourage a bit more but don't want to force 'just one more then pudding'. If he eats a fair amount he gets his pudding (usually yoghurt or healthyish cake). If he eats all of it nicely then he also gets given a tiny chocolate biscuit but we don't tell him this beforehand or bribe him with it.

Often when he gets his yoghurt he goes back to the first course to eat a bit more. I think he wants to make sure he's definitely getting yoghurt...

I could do with dialling back my encouragement to eat all his food as yesterday he just gave his bowl of pasta a funny smile and wouldn't eat. I got him to eat a molecule or two then 5 mins later he threw up all over the kitchen and I felt terrible!

Blimey, I've just counted, and I've actually been her for 19 years! Wow, time does fly!

Chris I think tea as in a mealtime is a very northern British saying - we have a relative in Canada (English by birth) who calls her evening meal supper - to me thats a bowl of cereal at around 9pm before bed!

Maybe try-

Moving main meal to lunch
I know it's nice to try and eat as a family but sometimes unrealistic. Try moving tea forward a bit to 5.00.
Put his plate of food down and make no comment leave him to it
If he's refusing it don't try and pursued him just remove the plate
Don't enter into discussion about it you won't win against a 2 year old
When he asks for toast offer dinner again
He will soon learn for the first few days I would give him a selection of things he really likes on his plate then introduce new things
All mine at that age prefer a "picky" tea rather than a big main meal.

My dc are 24,19,11,6,3 and 2 and most of them have done similar at some point (one is just a dustbin!)

DH and I have agreed by text he can eat something at 5. I have a plastic microwave meal tray from one of the asda kids meals and perhaps will use that as a guide to my portion sizes for him.

Let him eat earlier? and chill out? don't force feed?

My DD always eats early then has a light snack with us, sometimes she is too tired to eat it later on, in nursery they have their main meal at lunch time.

I think saying it must be bed time if you're not eating your tea is mean.

6pm is very late for a 2 year old. When mine were two tea was 4:15-5pm dependent on many things then milk and bed at 7. Three meals a day with snacks if necessary. Fruit was one pudding and yogurt the next. Children are much better than some adults at self regulating and will eat when hungry and stop when full generally. They don't care what time it is if they are hungry/not hungry.

Made to eat all in the plate is suppressing their natural instincts to stop when full.

How big a portion are you giving?

I would also stop any association between meal times and bed, you don't want to make a negative association

Also relax he sounds great if he is at a table eating goulash

Cut down his portion sizes and stop threatening bed time if he won't eat or your next battle is going to be bedtime! Our DS (5.5) was a tricky eater when younger but eats v well now, albeit v v slowly ... I leave him to it at the dining table sometimes while I tidy the kitchen and chat to him, sit down and play a puzzle with him, mealtimes take 30 mins or so without issue. DH (who is only around for meal times in the weekend) used to sit with him, push him to keep eating, speed up etc and of course he goes even slower, DH has stopped doing that now. Varying attitudes aren't always helpful, try and find a middle ground that works for you both.

I'm not keen on clear your plate it teaches kids to ignore their own tummies when full. I'd trust your own instincts you know your son better than any health visitor

I really do appreciate the helpful advice. Its tough when you have no other child/ren to compare the experience to

I used to despair at how fussy my son was, and how little he ate. He seems to live on thin air most of the time. It wasn't really until my youngest came along and was the complete opposite that it dawned that it had nothing at all to do with me and anything I was doing!

My boy is still ridiculous, but he's 5, growing well, full of energy and rarely ever gets ill, even starting school. My daughter was a totally different experience to wean, eats anything I put in front of her and usually finishes half of DS's dinner as well. I've not done anything different with them at all.

I always gave mine a cooked lunch at 1pm as they were genuinely hungrier then, and then we had an early tea of toast/yogurt or cheese/crackers/grapes at around 5pm. I then had them in the bath for 5.30, pj's on, chill out until 6.45 and bed for 7. DH and I then ate after, so we had a bit of peace and quiet and I often re-heated what I'd made at lunch so it was easy all round and I just cooked one main meal per day. I was always made to finish what was on my plate and hated it, so I was always happy to accept my children's appetite and they were allowed to leave food if they were full. Meals should be happy smiley times, not a battleground for all of your sakes. Even though our DDs are now older teenagers, we all still sit and eat tea together at night, and it's my favourite part of the day .

It sounds like a vicious cycle of bed being a punishment for not eating tea, and not going bed means a punishment of tea time

It is only an idea, but how about separating the two things entirely. Tea two hours before bed.

Don't use bed as a punishment as bad behavior at tea time as then is almost a self fulfilling prophecy as in to be expected as kid feels punished.

If little one doesn't want to eat - don't make a drama over it. I totally understand that it is upsetting but put the portion in the freezer.

I think babyboomersrock gives some good advice

Try bath relax before bed, - instead of fraught mealtime everyone is upset, bed as punishment

hope it works out

It sounds like he has plenty of food. It can get so stressful that no one looks forward to dinner times.

I tend to ask that we try everything. I don't push to clear plates as when you're full, you're full and try not to use puddings as incentives. We've been a lot happier since we've relaxed about it.

When we were kids we weren't forced to eat all our dinners, however if we didn't, and was hungry later, there was nothing else offered.