Evenings are hell. Help

[cjt110]

-not AIBU but posting here for traffic so please be kind-

DS is 2.5y old. He's very strong minded and independent. He usually goes to bed at 7pm and we eat tea at around 6pm. If he sits at the table and eats with us, I never get through a meal without stopping to help him or encourage him, or spoon feed him. He loses interest very quickly and will want to leave then table. We encourage him to eat more, one more spoon etc and end up saying to him if he doesnt eat anymore it must be bedtime. He will get upset when we tell him to go to bed insisting it is teatime. We say OK fine, lets eat tea, then the cycle starts again. He eats plenty. The day before last he had 2 slices of toast for breakfast, 2 small pears as a snack, 2 boiled eggs at lunch followed by 2 bananas. A biscuit mid afternoon then we served goulash and mash for tea. He ate 3/4s of it. I must admit, I'm less strict - if he's eaten some/most of it, I would be happy to give him a pudding and make no fuss of it but worry this is showing him if he doesnt eat i all, he still gets something nice afterwards. DH is focussing on what the HV said to do which is if we know he eats something, then not to give in to cries of toast or yoghurt.

I was brought up that at least if I had tried something and didnt like it, that was OK but I must try something. DH was basically made to eat whatever was put in front of him. Perhaps thats the reason for our approaches differing?

Last night we all ended up cross and upset over the whole thing and it's becoming a daily occurrence.

Is there anyone able to offer advice on what to do/try? I would be very grateful. Thank you.

Pacha11 He has CMPA - cows milk protein allergy. He cannot have diary. He has alpro soya yoghurts - plain, plain with almond/coconut and a strawberry and rhubarb.

Glittermakeseverythingbetter We give him 1 round of toast, he asks for another.... same with fruit.

ShowMePotatoSalad Yes, it may be normal toddler drama, but I am asking for advice.....

It all sounds very, very normal to me. 2 year olds don't tend to make pleasant or relaxing company for a late dinner.

Maybe move his main meal to lunchtime, and then let him eat toast with you at dinner if it's becoming too stressful for all of you due to your unrealistic expectations?

Hullabaloo31 Definitely think I will try an earlier tea. He has some bolognese and pasta in the fridge at home which I will ask DH to give him before I get home. He can then have some toast or cereal with us at teatime if we eat when he's awake. Will give it a go for a week and see if it improves..

SaucyJack As I say, It may be normal toddler stuff but I am asking for advice because we are struggling. saying we have unrealistic expectations isnt really helping other than making me feel like a shit parent.

One slice of toast and then one egg for a twelve year old for breakfast and lunch consequtively is really quite a small amount of food. Very small. It's even small for an eight year old.

when Dd1 was this age, she preferred a big meal at lunchtime and then a lighter meal at 5ish, if I did it the other way round she didn't eat enough. It's worth giving this a go!

This isn't meant as criticism but I would advise against sending to bed as a punishment as that may create a negative association and problems for sleep. Also agree with others that 6pm is quite late to eat if he goes to bed at 7.

Bluntness100 - not sure what you mean? Is he having too much? too little?

Yes to tiny portion sizes. Some kids this age live on what seems to be virtually nothing to us. (Others seem to be bottomless pits!)

Remember all people (kids or adults) are different. My DD would eat virtually nothing all day then pig out on hot dinner in the evening followed by supper 30mins later. My DS likes big breakfast, big lunch then an afternoon snack and that would do him for the day.

Thanks for your advice all. Will try giving him his tea earlier and supper when we have our tea. If that fails then main meal at lunch and small meal at teatime.

It sounds like tea time is being made more stressful than it needs to be.

I do encourage my daughter to continue eating until I am satisfied she has eaten enough for it to be a filling meal, but this doesn't mean emptying her plate. If she has only had 2 bites I don't accept "I'm full" or "I don't want it. If she has eaten half or a decent amount or whatever I will let her leave the table.

I think your tea time is too late. You are giving yourself only 1 hour from sitting down to eat, to going to bed, and if your child won't eat you get stressed and just send them to bed. It's going to cause more problems if they think not eating will lead to punishment. Sleep will probably become a problem if they are being sent to bed too early and not tired, and also feeling upset because they didn't finish a meal and sleep is seen as a punishment. You also need to give them chance to realise they do feel hungry and ask for a snack so they don't go to bed on an empty stomach.

I'm no expert, but would suggest the following things.

Eat earlier, 5-5:30.

Encourage eating a little more if they have barely touched the food, but don't bribe or threat. Nothing to be gained or lost by eating or not eating. Just gentle encouragement to eat a little more.

If they point blank refuse to eat, remove the food, and let them leave the table. If they complain of hunger afterwards only give them a 'boring' snack. Toast. Apple. Crackers. Nothing exciting or a favourite food. They won't then think if they refuse food it leads to treats. In turn, don't withhold food because they refused their tea.

Absolutely don't use going to bed as a punishment. Sleep should be associated with peace and quiet and a necessity for a healthy life. Not a punishment, and not under stressful conditions where you are cross because they haven't eaten. Also, sending them straight to bed at say 6:15 after a meal refusal will surely mean they won't sleep properly due to it being too early or hunger.

Just ride it out. Turn it into a none issue. Don't give them a reaction when they won't eat.They will hopefully get bored of boring snacks and find something else to irritate you with

For all the people saying it's too late, i don't get home until 6 with my 5yo and 2yo and we eat dinner at 6h30 usually... they eat well...

We don't make them clear the plates but if they don't eat at least 2/3 of the plate then they aren't hungry for yogurt

we tend to give yogurt or fruit for dessert

and remember - it's not what they eat in a meal/day, it's what they eat in a WEEK - some days are carb days when my kids only want pasta and toast and other days they just eat the protein

Thanks d0ris

I dont get home til 515 and we tend to eat together so pm is around the right time after Ive prepared something to eat. Yes DH does get home at around 445 but I dont expect him to make something incase I am delayed.

Possibly your DP's expectations are too high and therefore you are setting yourselves up to fail. Few toddlers at that age have a logical brain that can process 'if I eat this I will get that afterward'.

For stress free meals, I would eat earlier and not have an expectation of finishing the plate or sitting at the table as long as the adults. Matter of fact is the way to go. It will not take DS long to figure out that playing up over meals is a great attention getter. I would limit discussions around food, just present a healthy meal allow him to eat until he is full, then a yogurt. What you want is for him to enjoy coming to the table for his meals, not for it to be an ordeal.

I think he eats quite a lot.

When my kids were small, I worked on the principle of getting most of their nutrition in them in breakfast and lunch, giving them stuff they would scoff, like you have with the fruit and eggs and then dinner was more of just tasting stuff and socialising with us really.

So kiddy ate what we ate, and as much as they fancied, and then they got a yoghurt or whatever if they were hungry but not keen on their dinner.

Don't make food a battleground, just model good behaviour yourselves. And let your kid self regulate if he has had enough.

I agree with PP - dinner at 6 might be a bit late for him. DS is 3 and gets home from nursery around 4.45. They give him loads of food at nursery and we found that serving him dinner at 6 just wasn't working. It was too close to his bath/bed time at 7 and he wasn't interested.

We now offer him a small dinner between 5.15/5.30 and have found he's much happier eating at that time. If for whatever reason he doesn't like the food we offer him, we tell him that's ok and he doesn't have to eat it, but he won't be offered any other food for the rest of the evening. He eats well at nursery (3 meals plus 2 snacks), so we try not stress over him not eating a meal when he's at home.

Also if your DH won't budge on making DS clear his plate and you're happy the he is otherwise eating well, maybe try offering DS smaller portions?

I personally think 6pm is not too late, DD never had dinner before 6.30pm in her life unless she is on a playdate. None of us was home before 6pm when she was a toddler. She had a decent snack at nursery at 4pm and survived.

I would start with smaller portions and add seconds if he wants. A yoghurt is a perfectly acceptable part of a meal, puddings in our house is either fruit or yoghurt under the week and this is offered regardless how much has been eaten. Just keep it small enough.

Children can regulate how much food they need. Making a child clearing the plate can backfire as the need to please overrules the natural instinct how much food they actually need. Also nobody eats the same amount each day.

I often wonder how many adults allow themselves to leave food on the plate or choose not to like a dish on a particular day even if they normally eat it but expect children to do as they are told.

You're not a shit parent at all. If you were you'd just be giving him a Pot Noodle in front of the telly and leaving him to it.

You just need to set the bar a little lower for how you expect mealtimes with a toddler to go.

All mine eat pretty much everything now, by the way. If the youngest(10) tries something and doesn't like it, then he just makes himself a sandwich or beans on toast or something.

I will have a look for ideal portion sizes for toddlers online to give me some ideas as I do think perhaps my portions for him are too big. I'd say his plate inside is around 6 inches and it's often full.

I really do appreciate the helpful advice. Its tough when you have no other child/ren to compare the experience to

OP I have a just 3 yo and have been having similar issues. She eats well but dinner time she just messes around , plays with her food but doesn't eat it for ages until we all get totally fed up and bored at the table. I'm guilty of threatening bed time and no pudding etc even though I know this is not the right thing to do - sometimes you just all end up frustrated! Anyway what I am telling myself now and I intend to put into action tonight is -

1. She eats well most of the time so that's good enough! If she doesn't eat all her veg at dinner every night then really it's no big deal.
2. I usually aim for dinner at half 5 because she is usually pretty tired by dinner time and that's why her behaviour gets bad . The earlier we eat the better really and I'm going to try and be more patient with her as she is tired especially after a busy day.
3. I will give her a yogurt after dinner if she asks for one as long as she has eaten a decent amount of dinner.
4. I'm going to try really hard to ignore her while she is eating (or not eating as the case may be!). We sometimes end up both nagging her to eat and it just makes it worse. Before we have ignored her and chatted amongst ourselves and then noticed she has eaten.half her dinner while we aren't paying attention. I need to start doing this again !

Good luck and hopefully we all have a good evening!

What's with all the threats and cajoling?

It sounds like he eats a varied and balanced diet.

I'd relax about it all tbh.

Do you have any trouble getting him to sleep?

I would maybe give him a bigger lunch and a snackier tea. And a banana at bedtime if necessary

6pm has always been dinnertime here as well. But my kids have always had late bedtimes. (Maybe because of late dinner??)
7pm would be the earliest and that's the start of the longing faffing about time with stories etc.

But 6pm was the absolute latest when they were little. Any later and they lost it completely.

He sounds like a brilliant eater to me! DS is 18 months and mealtimes have the potential to be a battle but sometimes he eats lots and happily. My mentality is that as long as he's enjoying his experience of food and eats a vaguely balanced diet then I'm happy.

My philosophy is that I can control what he eats so make sure he has age appropriate, healthy food available but he controls whether he eats it. I'll try to encourage eating but never go down the route if discouraging not eating if that makes sense.