"Put it up out of reach"

[GoingQuietlyInsane]

My 3yo toddler is into everything and it's driving me up the wall!

I have to check my bag 5 times before we leave the flat as she has form for taking stuff out - my keys, my wallet etc. She gets into my makeup and ruins it, gets it on the furniture. finds pens and draws on walls, pulls clothing out of cupboards and drawers, breaks things in the kitchen.

We rent so I can't make too many amendments to the place. We do have two high shelves but they are literally the only place I can put things that she can't get to! She climbs onto the kitchen counters, uses chairs to reach onto the dining table - nowhere is safe any more

Even the bathroom cabinet is accessible to her by standing on the loo.

AIBU to wonder where all these "up out of the reach of toddlers" places are? Does anyone else struggle with this?

[GoingQuietlyInsane]

Love it Hecate. Have honestly thought about those brain-training toys you get for dogs - do they make them for kids?

Would have a climbing frame in her room if we could! Food for thought though!

[ppeatfruit]

Why is it nuts to have a discussion with a 4 yr. old about bedtimes Graphista ? They certainly don't know WHY. Children are not dogs.

[AnnieAnoniMouse]

Stop being so wet. 'I've said no & she doesn't care'. Then make her care. Pick her up facing away from you (not cuddly), take her away from what she is doing, put her firmly down, look her directly in the eyes and say 'I have told you not to do that. Do not do it'. Next time, do the same and make her sit on the floor for a couple of minutes. Rinse & repeat. She's (pretty much) 3, she can behave at nursery somshe can behave at home, she currently either doesn't understand the boundaries or is choosing to ignore them.

It is not about punishing her curiousity. It us about setting boundaries and teaching her to respect them. If not now, when?

It's one thing to put precious & dangerous things up high. It's quite another to make your house look a right sight simply because you will not teach your child a few boundaries. You live like that when you have to (a child with SEN for example, who simply does not understand), not because you won't teach your child.

It's not your partner who needs to 'fall into line' it's your child.

[ppeatfruit]

Yes taking them out to play a LOT is important when you've got a bundle of energy like your dd.

[lljkk]

(sorry if this has already been said 50x , I tried to scan thread)

I think OP will hate this.. it's still what I think I'd resort to if can't hook/store the bag somewhere safe.

Yes she shouldn't touch but it's a habit now. To help break the habit, get her to choose her own handbag in a charity shop, and fill it with her own tat. Then she must not touch mine. If she gets into mine again, tip her bag (or some other stuff of hers ) on the floor and make sure she knows. I know I sound cruel, but just one tipping event (I would help her tidy it back) will make her get some empathy-- understand that we all value our stuff not being messed up.

That basic threat, imposed judiciously, works amazeballs with light-fingered pre-teens & teenagers, too.

[stolemyusername]

You've managed to avoid the no phase 😂😂😂

Instead you have a 3 year old who is ruling the roost and mashing your make up into the sofa 😏

Would you let her behave like this at a friends house, while she's colouring in the walls with marker pen do you give the host a sad smile and explain you don't like saying no.

FGS she is 3 years old, she won't shatter if you say no to her

[Porpoiselife]

I don't use punishments

Well you need to start because she isn't listening to you is she? Punishment is a bit of a strong word, its more like a consequence she needs. So if she does X, Y happens (Y being something she does not like)

Please spare a thought for anyone who will have contact with your child when shes older - teachers, other children for example and start laying down some boundaries otherwise you will have that child and be that mother.

Theres loads of advice here. It might be tough to start with if she is used to getting her own way all the time but the key is consistency. If you say 'if you do X we will not the park' - mean it and dont go to the park kind of thing. Ignore the bad behaviour (screaming if she can't get your makeup) literally leave her there to scream. And reward the good behaviour,so when screaming has finished give her your attention again. At the age she is at it won't take long.

[GoingQuietlyInsane]

dowhatnow thanks for your second post. Your first was a bit over the top I thought. It may not seem like it, but I put a lot of thought and effort into how to raise DD. I am purposely avoiding using traditional punishments, it's not because I am lazy. I have made a decision to do it this way. But I'm open to constructive advice!

ppeatfruit "Saying NO all the time is nonsense. All that teaches them is to say NO all the time" exactly!

Fab ideas for challenging toys gratefully recieved! This is a great thread x

[FirstSeemItThenBeIt]

Just be firm 'you do not touch mummy's things' and physically move her away every time she tries it.

It baffles me how you could be so tied up in knots by this complex problem

[GoingQuietlyInsane]

"Also, why is she climbing on the loo?"

What do you mean, LadyLapsang?

How do you propose I stop her? It doesn't take long to clamber up onto a loo - about 3 seconds. I am past the point where I will keep my eye on her every second. I'd probably get twitchy after about 30 seconds; plenty of time to get onto the loo if she decides she fancies it! It's next to the sink, and the sink, with its running water is endlessly amusing.

[FirstSeemItThenBeIt]

Also this modelling good behaviour thing isn't really paying off is it? Sounds like a bit of no wouldn't go amiss!

[kaitlinktm]

It's odd how some children do this and others don't. My sons just didn't think to look into people's handbags, but my friend's little girl (same age - three) did - but nobody warned me.

Her mother went mad when she saw her holding my tablets which had been in my handbag - and which I presumed was safe and private. It hadn't occurred to me that it might be otherwise. This was nearly 30 years ago mind!

The mother was very angry with me - but if she had warned me or suggested a safe place to put my bag, there would have been no problem. There seemed no question then of her even trying to teach her daughter not to do it.

[Porpoiselife]

How do you propose I stop her? It doesn't take long to clamber up onto a loo - about 3 seconds.

Shut the bathroom door? If she keeps opening it introduce a consequence (if you climb on there again and turn the taps on I wont let you watch telly after lunch) Or put a lock at the top of the outside of the door so only you can reach it. If she turns on the hot tap she might end up scolding herself which would be horrible.

[bloodyfuming9]

She is not a monster, truly, but I'm struggling to know how to introduce consequences because, in this scenario, the only one who loses out is me! (and my makeup)

You need to teach your child about consequences. If you don't you'll most probably quickly end up with a feral child who you have no control over whatsoever. It's these types of kids (and their parents) that are avoided at school and in social settings, and that's asad and. lonely position to be in.

You are the adult and it's your job to teach your child to accept your authority- that 'no' means no etc etc. You do this with a mixture of encouragement, tone of voice, using consequences and sometimes even punishment.

No doubt you'll get lots of advice on here, for you to think about what methods you could try.

[NoCapes]

OP do you think every other parent in the world runs round barking "NO!" All the time?
Because we don't
She's 3, you can say sentences to her now
Sentences like - "don't touch that it will break" or "don't climb up there it's dangerous"
Then move her
Honestly, it's not rocket science
You would really rather he be in danger than to upset her for a millisecond with a 'no' great parenting!

[GoingQuietlyInsane]

LisaMed1 you are a

Foureyesarebetterthantwo thanks for your post.

I don't throw my hands up and let her climb. But it's sometimes hard finding the line. If I get her involved with cooking, for example (which means grabbing a chair and pulling it up to the counter) and then the next day chastise her for doing what (to her) must seem like a similar thing - I just find it hard to identify that area without having to enter into explanations with her that I know won't work!

But yes to your point when I see her making a beeline for the counter I pull her down, of course. I am keen to keep her in one piece I do let her explore though, and she's very sure-footed, hopefully as a result. By that I mean I've always let her push her own physical abilities, and I spot her, rather than stopping her from trying things.

[cantkeepawayforever]

I do think that a lot of this is about attention / lack of attention. If you simply say 'no' - and then there is no other consequence or activity - then it is not surprising it is ignored. (I was in a long queue with a child + parent the other day - child kept on playing with something quite dangerous, mum kept on looking over, saying 'No, X, don't do that', but then didn't do anything else or offer any kind of alternative, not even talking to the child, pointing out other things for them to look at, giving them something to hold onto or do)

Think about when these episodes happen - what are you doing at that point? If you are doing something that cannot be avoided, what could she be doing at that point? Does she have something constructive to do everywhere that you need to be? If the worst comes to the worst, can you time any screen time that she is allowed to correspond to a point when you need to do something not child-friendly?

Would agree in terms of the climbing that a daily dose of it outside the home - whether in an organised setting or simply at the park - may help, both because you can say 'no, climbing is what we do at X, we don't do it here', and because being able to do as much as she wants for a part of the day should make it less common for the rest of the day.

[Roanoke]

Um, OK, my kids never did this. If they moved a chair I would see it/hear it and put a stop to it. No moving furniture. That's not 'being curious', that's dangerous. So is letting her get into everything. Kids eat dishwasher tablets and batteries and stuff, it's really not a good idea to encourage that kind of 'curiosity'. My kids have never been in my makeup because they're not allowed in my room. It hasn't damaged their creativity yet.

Shut your bedroom door (lock it if you have to) and it doesn't matter how much she screams. She isn't getting in. You can't give in every time they scream.

[Seeline]

. By that I mean I've always let her push her own physical abilities, and I spot her, rather than stopping her from trying things.

That's grat in the park, or at an organised gym class etc, but she needs to know that the furniture at home is not play equipment.

So when she starts climbing the bookshelves, remove her, say no, provide her with a toy/activity to distract and tell her that if she can stay off the furniture for the next hour/until lunch etc you will take her to the park to play in the climbing frame.

[GoingQuietlyInsane]

"'There's no reasoning with them'

So true!

I once had to have a word with myself as I found myself debating with a 4 year old dd about why we have bedtimes! Nuts!

Caught myself on and went 'enough! Bed and sleep now!' Not shouting firm. "

Graphista yes I find myself in these situations and then have a lightbulb moment and I'll literally say the same thing - "enough!" I need to catch myself more before I get to that point.

I overthink a lot of stuff and tie myself up in knots about what the long-term consequences are for things, but the result is not good, I just end up frustrated. Thank you all for the perspective - trying to get through it all!

[ppeatfruit]

Be careful with her; make sure she can't open the front door, these 'climbers' love a challenge! My cousin had to put special strong wire netting all over the balcony in her flat to stop her 'climber' from clambering on to the edge of the it.

[cantkeepawayforever]

If she is climbing on the loo - and playing with the taps - then the bathroom needs to be out of bounds for her - with a hot tap, that's dangerous, as well as whatever might be stored above the loo. Give her a warning - if you do that, you will have to use a potty again, or ask me whenever you need to use the toilet, because i will have to fasten the bathroom door to keep you safe.

Then fasten the door with a high latch. Yes, it will be a pain, but it's not a punishment, just a consequence.

[Waddlelikeapenguin]

You might like to read 'playful parenting' it's based on unconditional parenting (kohn).

We UP & it's harder at this age but pays great dividends as they get older. Lots of silly distraction & avoiding the problem.

If she enjoys tipping things out (?) then a clear floor & encouragement to tip out a box of blocks before tidying away may help fuful that need. A bag of her own with help, including old unused keys & a wallet with cards :)
Intelligent climbers are hard work! Lots & lots of outdoor time & lots of you watching so you can divert.

[Graphista]

Sorry badly worded - nuts to have a prolonged debate about bedtime AT bedtime! I fell for the little beggars manipulation.

[ppeatfruit]

Roanoke no moving furniture What, just moving a chair to sit at a table???? So it's one rule for you and one for the children? I bet they can see the rationality behind that rule!