"Put it up out of reach"

[GoingQuietlyInsane]

My 3yo toddler is into everything and it's driving me up the wall!

I have to check my bag 5 times before we leave the flat as she has form for taking stuff out - my keys, my wallet etc. She gets into my makeup and ruins it, gets it on the furniture. finds pens and draws on walls, pulls clothing out of cupboards and drawers, breaks things in the kitchen.

We rent so I can't make too many amendments to the place. We do have two high shelves but they are literally the only place I can put things that she can't get to! She climbs onto the kitchen counters, uses chairs to reach onto the dining table - nowhere is safe any more

Even the bathroom cabinet is accessible to her by standing on the loo.

AIBU to wonder where all these "up out of the reach of toddlers" places are? Does anyone else struggle with this?

[eurochick]

Well she clearly doesn't think that a no from you means anything. You need to change that. What if her indulged curiosity means she goes through a visitor's handbag and gets hold of some codeine "sweets" or worse. You are really not doing her any favours.

[Batteriesallgone]

When my little one does stuff like this I sit with her and get her to put everything back in the bag. Then when she starts I say ooooh all back in and she giggles and puts it back in.

You want to draw attention away from the unwanted behaviour and reward good. So she's curious, allowed in your bag but but she puts everything back in herself and gets a fuss, thank you how lovely.

I find it works better than just saying 'no' a lot

[Graphista]

'No' for this needs

Authorative tone of voice
Stern face
Short sharp pronunciation 'no!' Not a long unconfident 'nooooo tabitha mummy doesn't like you doing that'

Also take the things off her she's not supposed to have.

Move and distract.

Shadowing is exactly what's necessary at this age I'm afraid. Eyes in back of your head phase.

[RebootYourEngine]

Things wont get better if you arent teaching her what she can and can not do.

[BaggyCheeks]

They're never too young to start learning the reasons why they can't do things, and it doesn't have to swing from shouting to being permissive. So when she climbs on the kitchen counters, you tell her to get down, don't do that "because you could get hurt", get her down, repeat ad nauseam (as is often the case with 2-3 year olds).

My DS had/has a short attention span and at that sort of age, I found involving him in what I was doing was really good for stopping him doing the things I didn't want him doing, and getting him to concentrate. So helping me sort the washing meant he was less likely to go rampaging through the ironing basket because he already knew what was in there, and it wasn't exciting for him any more because it was usual for him to "help" me with it.

[GoingQuietlyInsane]

"Ffs teach your 3 year old right from wrong.

What's going to happen when she goes to play school???"

What on earth makes you think she doesn't already, WheelerDealer? She behaves differently at day care, as do most children, than she does when home alone with her mother. I thought that was common knowledge.

[ElspethFlashman]

There's a book called 123 Magic which is about gentle but determined discipline. No shouting, no drama, just boundaries.

I urge you to buy it. Because there has to be consequences for ignoring Mummy when she says No. And it will show you age appropriate ones that are consistent.

This is a PDF of a summary of the technique.
<a class="break-all" href="https://www.google.ie/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=csgreeley.org/sites/default/files/files/1-2-3-magic.pdf&ved=0ahUKEwjyxdPmk93SAhUKJ8AKHZCzAJMQFggZMAA&usg=AFQjCNGHZ6tiXn_MoSHFo5Hr45LnCVCVPQ&sig2=1lkUqKFFNvxKK1obQvlTFQ" rel="nofollow noindex" target="_blank">www.google.ie/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=csgreeley.org/sites/default/files/files/1-2-3-magic.pdf&ved=0ahUKEwjyxdPmk93SAhUKJ8AKHZCzAJMQFggZMAA&usg=AFQjCNGHZ6tiXn_MoSHFo5Hr45LnCVCVPQ&sig2=1lkUqKFFNvxKK1obQvlTFQ

[megletthesecond]

Can you use duck take to secure cupboards?

Command strips shouldn't mark the wall. They could be used high up on the wall for bags.

I had my house locked down for years. Even put a lock on my bedroom door.

[llangennith]

Wry grin at the comments about just saying "Don't touch". I'd probably have said the same until I had my 2nd DC five years after the first. Oh what a difference! Everything had to be put out of reach.
I don't know your set up obviously but maybe get more interesting toys? Duplo, Playmobil, lots of wooden blocks and Jenga pieces, play kitchen set. And lots of IKEA Trofest storage for all the toy crap

[paxillin]

Draw on the wall with anything at all- all pencils, pens etc are gone for a couple of days.

Destroy mummy's make up- very cross mummy. Tell her how sad you are you no longer have your favourite lipstick. How would she feel if someone destroyed a favourite toy? Three year olds can be really lovely and they do have empathy. Show her how her actions impact on others. Most 3-5 year olds really want to please not hurt.

[dowhatnow]

I'm sorry but your problems are going to be much bigger soon if you don't start teaching her to respect things and property. Nobody is going to want her to visit and or be her friend.
No three year old should be drawing on things or be unable to respond to simple simple instructions to stop doing things. Yes you might need consequences to begin with but long term you don't need many as the child doesn't even think about doing things as they know they aren't acceptable.

Carry on as you are, and you are going to have huge problems in the future which isn't fair on your child. Children need boundaries to feel safe and secure. It srounds as if your child has no boundaries as you don't want to stop her "curiosity". What tosh.

[DoItTooJulia]

If you don't do discipline now, you are going to struggle much more in the coming years.

You don't have to be all nasty to discipline a young child. You can explain that it's a naughty thing to do; that it's not safe; that something's you aren't allowed to touch.

Then you get a bit heavier. "Dd. I said no. Listen to mummy."

And tougher again. "You're not listening. You need to stop that right now."

And so on. You'll sound like a broken record, but you need to be firm and consistent.

You could have a box that toys go away into if she keeps doing the thing you've told her not to. They go in there for an hour or whatever and she can have them back if she behaves.

Or you could use a time out chair-a minute for every year she's old.

Whatever you do, follow it through and keep it the same.

Hope you get this sorted!

[mummytime]

I don't think anyone is suggesting real punishment, but a firm NO and taking your bag away from her, is perfectly okay. You can also try distraction - so give her her own bag, full of random stuff that she can explore and unpack.

If you don't teach her what she can and can't play with/explore then she could end up harming herself. What if she decides to unpack my bag - and finds my medicine (which I need but is toxic to children)?

[Soubriquet]

Christ my just turned 2 year old understands no

I wouldn't be able to have my ornaments on the mantelpiece if I didn't teach my children not to touch.

My 2 and nearly 4 year old understand that they are mummy's ornaments and they must not touch.

Sometimes the youngest tries to push his luck, but I immediately tell him no and he stops and walks away

[25bottles]

I tell my two year old no and she understands sometimes.
On top of kitchen cupboards.
On top of wardrobes.
Under the bed.
Buy a cheap bookcase from ikea and put it on the top shelf.

[Seeline]

Seeline is this a realistic option?

No of course it's not, but if you are refusing to teach her rules and no means no, I don't think you have many other options.
She could come to real harm through playing with stuff she's not meant to. What do you do when you have visitors - does she rifle their bags? What about going to other peoples' houses- is she climbing all over their furniture? What about when out and about - running across roads etc?
Heaven help her when she starts school and her teachers

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

I agree with pp's suggestions to teach her consequences to her actions. It's not cruel to teach her that that box of make-up is mummy's, no touching. If she does, then tell her No firmly, take it away and then distract with her own toys.
Repeat this firmly, every time.

Don't reward her actions with a big reaction and drama from you, otherwise she'll start to see it as a fun game and a way to get your attention!

Children thrive when they have boundaries in place, it actually makes them feel more secure. She will be expected not to pull things out of drawers and cupboards at pre school when told not to, although I appreciate she's still little and won't always understand.

Keeping things out of reach will make your life easier, as will keeping things in storage boxes with clipped on lids.

[Expatosaurus]

Yes, if you've a thinking climber then stair gates are dangerous. She will just find something to push over to the gate to climb over it.

Does your bag have two zip tags? I used a mini carabiner clip through the holes of the two zip tags so she couldn't open my bag.

We're also open plan and can't gate anything off. Kitchen counters I would be concerned about though, it means she could climb onto the hob. Can you get a stick on hob guard to put along the edge of the counters so she has a visible barrier and teach her she is not allowed to cross it.

I've bought a lockable box for our medicines as the only high shelf is now accessible.

[GoingQuietlyInsane]

"I think there's a difference between punishment and discipline. To me, it's not punishing to say "no" to a 3 year old, just setting boundaries."

AccioWine I agree though. I've already said I say no. Makes zero difference.

Does anyone have any constructive advice for how to introduce boundaries? Saying NO, regardless of tone of voice, is not working

She's 2 months from her 3rd birthday (didn't want to be one of those "my child is 912 days and 13 hours" people) so still a toddler... just.

[dowhatnow]

123 magic is the way to go.

[SuperBeagle]

She's 3, not 18 months. By that age they are definitely old enough to be told no and have the consequences followed through with if they don't listen.

I don't "put stuff out of reach" still at that age, because they are capable of comprehending what they can and cannot touch.

[LadyLapsang]

A 3 year old should be able to understand and obey most of the time. Yes, you should put dangerous things out of reach and take care with the cooker / kettle lead etc. and they can still be unpredictable, run out in the road etc.but they should understand they do not take things from mummy's bag etc. They do not get to carry on if they disobey. You stop them, talk quietly (don't shout) and repeat - X, do not take things from mummy's bag and take the item from them. Also, why is she climbing on the loo?

[WateryTart]

Remove her from what she is doing with a firm, "No!" And repeat. Constantly.

[Batteriesallgone]

Also I do think if they are particularly enjoying being naughty to get your attention it can be a sign they need more attention.

Kids who easily get attention from their parents seem to be less inclined to be naughty, from my experience.

[GoingQuietlyInsane]

Batteriesallgone yes that is the sort of thing I do. But it's endless :(

The reason I don't say "no" to her all the time is because I want to model good behaviour! I have a friend who is constantly saying authoritative "No"s to her kid, and guess what her kid loves to say back?

So far, we've avoided the "no" phase with DD and I'm glad of it.

Graphista thanks for your post, good to hear that it's normal to be shadowing still. I've been trying to foster a bit of independence in her but maybe I just need to manage my expectations of what a kid her age is capable of