"Put it up out of reach"

[GoingQuietlyInsane]

My 3yo toddler is into everything and it's driving me up the wall!

I have to check my bag 5 times before we leave the flat as she has form for taking stuff out - my keys, my wallet etc. She gets into my makeup and ruins it, gets it on the furniture. finds pens and draws on walls, pulls clothing out of cupboards and drawers, breaks things in the kitchen.

We rent so I can't make too many amendments to the place. We do have two high shelves but they are literally the only place I can put things that she can't get to! She climbs onto the kitchen counters, uses chairs to reach onto the dining table - nowhere is safe any more

Even the bathroom cabinet is accessible to her by standing on the loo.

AIBU to wonder where all these "up out of the reach of toddlers" places are? Does anyone else struggle with this?

[Graphista]

You're all 'yes but' you need to accept there are parts of parenting where you have to be the 'bad guy' are you a people pleaser generally?

As for bathroom - yes she had to pee but at that age she should still be accompanied by an adult. It's full of dangers and at minimum she won't yet be wiping/hand washing properly.

[cantkeepawayforever]

'She has to go to the bathroom to pee' - yes, but she doesn't have to go in without you, if she can't be trusted.

If you trusted her not to climb, she could go into the bathroom alone. If you can't, she has to go in with an adult. It is a clear consequence of her actions - give her a warning, and then carry through. It is your job to keep her safe, and to set sensible boundaries that do so both in the short and long term.

[2014newme]

If she enjoys exploring, great. But climbing up furniture, emptying your bag etc isn't exploring it's dangerous behaviour.
If she does thus at school they will tell her no. You need to teach her what's acceptable and what isn't. You are tge parent unfortunately at the moment your parenting is not up to scratch.

[paxillin]

OP, you say she is sweet-natured and kind. In the kindest possible way, I think you need to model empathy and kindness a bit more, you said earlier that explanations of my hurt feelings are like water off a duck's back. She is very young of course and kids develop at their own speed, but a three year old should not shake off her mother's upset so easily.

[GoingQuietlyInsane]

Waddlelikeapenguin will look into it!

Hmm I know I"m coming across as one of those frustrating posters, so I am stepping away before it all kicks off. Thanks to all who have commented.

"You would really rather he be in danger than to upset her for a millisecond with a 'no' confused great parenting!"

NoCapes I've followed your other threads and even posted on them under my usual MN name. Disappointed at the tone of your posts on here, it's changed my opinion a little.

To be clear, DD's safety is important to me. If I notice she's heading for the loo, or the kitchen counter, of course I stop her. She has made it to this age with no accidents, she never rolled off the bed as a baby, or even fallen over really. She's sure-footed and agile. She just gets into stuff!

[Porpoiselife]

Well thanks very much.

Because of your Lazy parenting - and yes you are being bloody lazy because saying no and setting boundaries is hard work, your child will be the little brat bullying her peers in the playground because she will have this power ego that you are currently creating.

All setting boundaries/consequnces means is that in a couple of years they are pleasant human beings. And you no longer have to say no or set consequences, because they know already. That isn't blindly following orders. Are you seriously that thick?

What you are doing is raising a child who does what she wants when she wants. So in primary school she will be the power player, the one who thinks she can do anything to anyone and get away with it. She will be the school bully. But hey, she'll be confident, thats all that matters right? I offered advice earlier as have lots and lots of other people but it seems you are adament not to take any advice that disagrees with your 'let her do what the hell she wants because I'm too bloody lazy to sort it out' attitude.

Because of you, it is highly likely there will be children further down the line whose lives are made a living hell by your precious little monster cherub because you are currently creating a spoilt brat. Oh and she won't love you for it. She will treat you like shit.

[2014newme]

If she "just gets into stuff" it's because stuff I s accessible. Make it inaccessible and say no.
You see her getting your bag, a sharp "no! You don't touch mummy's bag" then praise her for not touching it. Give her an old bag to be her bag that she can play with.
You aren't helping her by being so lax.

[cantkeepawayforever]

I also think that the type of parenting that you want to use - child centred, unconditional, attached, gentle, whatever you want to call it - is entirely possible BUT it is extremely labour intensive because it requires very high parental involvement.

However, it sounds to me as if there are at least some points in your day when the level of involvement / supervision is not sufficient to make this type of parenting work, and this is allowing your child to get into situations which are at best destructive / annoying and at worse dangerous.

So there seem to me to be two choices - either adapt that form of parenting, to include at least some rules and consequences, or decide to up the level of supervision so that you can always follow the type of parenting that you wish to, but also keep your child safe.

[TotalPineapple]

I'm going to stick with practical advice since I've never parented a three year old, but have had to put things out of reach of cats and dogs, where 'no' definitely does not work, the cats climb things and throw stuff on the floor for the dog to eat, seriously!

I get that you want to let her explore, but she needs to be safe, so...

1. child locks on cupboards and drawers, you can get stick on ones that should come off at the end of your tenancy.
   
   
2. those hook sets that hang over doors, hang handbag up.
   
   
3. make her bedroom a safe space and get a high gate, if she's being destructive warn her that if she can't be safe she'll have to go in her room until you can watch her, follow through. If she climbs the gate and you can't convince her not to then I'm stumped.
   
   
4. heavy locked box for makeup/medicines/etc maybe like a blanket box or something?

[ghostspirit]

In my house anything dangerous going in the kitchen in a high cupboard and have a baby gate on the door. I hope not to be using a baby gate. by the time mine are 3. But I will if I need to.

You do need to find a way of stopping her getting on the work tops if she falls she could bang her head and fracture her skull.

[MentalLentil]

A friend gave me a copy of 'Don't Shoot the Dog' when my DD was a year old. The examples in it are all animals rather than children, but I've found it hugely helpful in showing me how to articulate to my child what choices she has in a situation where her behaviour isn't what I want it to be.

In effect, I can't and don't force her to comply with my wishes unless it's a safety concern (of course sometimes I do -- put on her shoes when she doesn't want to, etc, but it invariably results in screams and tears). Instead, most of the time I try to make sure I let her know very clearly what will happen if she continues with the behaviour she's engaged in.

Say she's writing on the walls with a pen. Once I notice she's doing it I don't just snatch the pen away, I give her a choice to make: 'If you keep writing on the walls with that pen I'm going to take it away.' She doesn't want me to take the pen, but she knows I will if she doesn't stop writing on the walls, so she stops writing on the walls. Then I make sure she has some paper and I thank her for writing on paper instead: 'Thanks DD, pens are for using on paper, not on walls.' Nobody shouted, nobody cried, she chose for herself to stop writing on the walls and learned where she can use a pen in the future.

This sort of approach has worked really really well with my DD, and I can see the contrast between how I manage her behaviour and how my DH does it, and his way results in a lot more tears and tantrums that in my opinion could be avoided by giving her the choice of what to do next. Of course she doesn't really get a choice, because I don't let her write on the walls, but she gets to at least choose whether she keeps the pen or not.

[paxillin]

I used to work with baby gates and locks until I saw my then two-year-old scaling them with the help of an upside down potty . I realised keeping the suff away from the child and the child away from the stuff works for babies and very young toddlers, but not after. At 5 they were probably better at opening "child safe" things than I was so we had to introduce rules to be followed. A pain, but works until teenage. Then proper bribery and blackmail comes in handy.

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

She's not three though is she? She's 2.10. Big difference in understanding to a 3.6 year old.

What are you doing while she is dragging chair around to get things out of high cupboards and mashing up you make up? I think you have a supervision problem.

All kids need boundaries and discipline for the sake of safety. Kids without boundaries and discipline, the "gently parented" kids are often really disliked by their peers, teachers and other parents because they are self centred and very hard work. Seriously, I have four kids, I've seen this time and time again. It's not nice for a kid to have no mates and realise that no one except Mummy and Daddy thinks they're that amazing.

[Batteriesallgone]

She pees alone? And she's not even 3?

I'm getting the impression she needs a lot more supervision, tbh.

[silkybear]

Thanks to the poster that shared the 123 magic pdf and also the person who named those ikea storage boxes, really useful as they fit perfectly in the lounge alcove

[NoCapes]

I can't agree with everyone's posts on every thread because I've had support on some of mine

[LaContessaDiPlump]

I feel your pain here op! DS1 was into everything. EVERYTHING. It didn't matter what I did, or how I punished/scolded/parented. It was hellish.

He is now 5.5 and his attention span is slightly longer, so he doesn't constantly upset my world. Steadily we make progress and they grow out of it.

Have some gin!!

[MycatsaPirate]

Your DD seems to have an awful lot of time to do things while you aren't watching her. An awful lot of time. What on earth are you doing while she is wrecking the house?

My DD2 was a climber. Absolutely terrible and I had to take the baby gates down and remove the cot sides when she was 18 months old because I was scared she was going to hurt herself.

But she never wrecked all my stuff and she didn't climb on the work tops because the first time she was caught doing in she was told NO and that it was dangerous. And she didn't do it again. Similarly everything that wasn't meant to be touched, she was shown and told it was bad for her and she mustn't ever touch it. So she didn't.

And this is a child who has severe attention issues and has ASD. But you need to shadow them at that age. You can't just sit back and watch tv and let them crack on with things.

I'd suggest taking her out and getting her to burn off energy and then spend time sat with her reading, colouring in or working on a jigsaw puzzle. Keep her brain occupied and she may stop destroying everything.

[Pigflewpast]

NoCapes I've followed your other threads and even posted on them under my usual MN name. Disappointed at the tone of your posts on here, it's changed my opinion a little.
OP look at what you're doing here, you seem to be blindly ignoring the posts you don't like whilst only repeating the posts you do like. To the point that you've "changed your opinion" about a poster who it sounds like you've usually admired or agreed with.
You're getting a lot of sensible advise on here but you're choosing to ignore it. You posted asking for it so listen to it.

[herbaceous]

It seems the 'I don't listen to anything I don't like' apple has not fallen far from the tree!

There is a middle ground between allowing all manner of dangerous and disruptive behaviour, and shouting 'no' all the time, using the naughty step, etc.

Direct and immediate consequences teach that actions have consequences, and thus self reliance, and thus in fact greater freedom. So, if they're drawing on the walls give one warning then take the pens. Mashing your make up, ditto. Climbing on the loo, one warning, then removal. Then high-up lock.

You therefore are seen to mean what you say, and say what you mean, and your child won't drink bleach, fall off the kitchen side or draw all over a friend's house.

I had a friend who parented in the 'let the little darlings find their own way' style. The two kids came to our house, smashed my son's toys (with no punishment other than a feeble 'oh dear' from the mother), and locked my son out of the front door. They didn't come again.

[BaggyCheeks]

It's definitely difficult when they don't quite see the difference between you having them stand on a chair next to the counter to help and not being allowed to do that themselves. What tends to work for me with DS (who hasn't long turned 4) is just repeated explainations that e.g. "let's get your chair to help make the cakes, because I'm here to help you. You only do this with a grown up, don't you?". I always feel I'm going slowly insane having to keep repeating myself and over-explaining, but it's definitely helping.

Maybe have a look at some Montessori blogs. I've found them really helpful for ideas for ways to engage toddlers with activities that help keep their focus. Some of it can be a bit wanky, but lots of good ideas too. How we Montessori is a really good one.

[DJBaggySmalls]

GoingQuietlyInsane I had the same problem and the answer was to get the DC's their own handbag and stuff.
Then I made mine off limits and hid it. Get some drawer or cupboard locks, or even a locking trolley.

[Batteriesallgone]

I can't see why an 'only with an adult' rule is confusing. You can move the chair when mummy says let's do baking but not otherwise. Makes sense. As she gets older there will be plenty of stuff she needs to get supervision for (like, she can do crafts on her own but needs an adult present to cut with scissors, for example). It's important for a 4 or 5 year old to have a grasp of what activities are fine under supervision vs fine alone. Don't think there's any harm in starting to teach that distinction early.

[TanteJeanne]

Get some of those hangers that go over the tops of doors. Can use in any room - bathroom, bedroom, kitchen to hang things high up and out of reach.
Don't need any screws.

[paxillin]

"Being into everything" is a trait of ALL babies and toddlers, it isn't some special gift or challenge.