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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect MIL to offer?

90 replies

Sisterelephant · 16/03/2017 16:58

Mil lives about 10 minutes walk from us. We have ds4 and ds2 so life is hectic and we are tired, our relationship is suffering because we hardly get any 'couple time' apart from when the kids go to bed, and we are both tired by then. If we do want a night out we will ask mil to baby sit every once in a while and she will say yes most of the time - but she has never once offered to look after them either for a few hours or overnight.

She does work and has her hobbies so I know she is busy, but I would expect that she would offer to take them on a random day she may be free, without waiting for me to ask.

My family are in a different city so mil is the only family we have close by - AIBU to expect her to offer every now and again to give us a break?

OP posts:
Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 16/03/2017 17:00

Good luck with your post op. . .
Mn General Rule is your dc your responsibility.

But I get where you are coming from. Flowers

highinthesky · 16/03/2017 17:00

She's your MIL not a mind reader! On that basis YABVU.

She's amenable to babysitting when asked, she probably doesn't realise you would like her to proactively offer, bow, scrape etc.

GoodnightSeattle · 16/03/2017 17:01

Yes YABU. Why are you expecting anything from anyone? In the nicest possible way, your kids your problem. If she says yes when you ask then that is a kind favour you should be grateful for.

ToffeeForEveryone · 16/03/2017 17:02

She's still working and has other commitments - YABU to expect her to use her time off work babysitting if she doesn't want to.

It would be nice if she offered, but she has been willing to help when you ask.

DarrylsLilAssKicker · 16/03/2017 17:02

Maybe she's the type that likes to be asked, rather than offer.

SookiesSocks · 16/03/2017 17:02

Why should she offer?

Winniethepooer · 16/03/2017 17:04

YABVU.

Employ a babysitter!

Newtothis2017 · 16/03/2017 17:05

yAbu. She isnt a mind reader. Do you every just offer to go do her ironing!! It is great that she does it when you ask. maybe you should appreciate her for that. Or better yet pay a babysitter

PurpleDaisies · 16/03/2017 17:06

She says yes most of the time you ask her and that's still not good enough?

YABU.

SootSprite · 16/03/2017 17:07

Whatever happened to being responsible for your own life choices?

Entitled much OP? Hmm

Boulshired · 16/03/2017 17:08

Reading about MIL on here I would probably do the same, babysit when asked but wait to be asked.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 16/03/2017 17:09

So, she's working, she has commitments, she agrees to have the kids when you ask her. But you're griping because you feel you have to ask her rather than her just offering.

IMO your MIL sounds very helpful and nice. I hope you thank her and appreciate her for looking after the kids.

mashpot · 16/03/2017 17:11

This is bonkers, you ask and she helps, what on earth is wrong with this?? My MIL and mum are both pretty good at helping us out when I ask (couple of times a year, for context) but they have never just offered to do an overnight! It's better I ask them at a time when I want them because I have plans.

Nanny0gg · 16/03/2017 17:11

She does work and has her hobbies so I know she is busy, but I would expect that she would offer to take them on a random day she may be free, without waiting for me to ask.

Why? She may think that would be intrusive (going by many posts on here)
Also, whilst she may be happy to babysit she may not enjoy it that much so will only do when asked rather than have to do it more.

Lemondrop09 · 16/03/2017 17:14

I am more than happy to babysit my niece, but I rarely think to offer. I kind of assume that my brother and SIL know the offer is there and if they specifically want to do something, they'll ask me. Maybe she assumes the same?

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 16/03/2017 17:15

If she offers then she's controlling and pushy

If she doesn't then she cba

MILs can't win Grin

Marmalade85 · 16/03/2017 17:15
theclick · 16/03/2017 17:15

Why should she feel obligated?

My MIL does a lot for SIL's kids (even paying for education) and to be honest while she loves them she complains to me she gets no thanks, it's just expected.

I would act a little more grateful for what yours does do.

scottishdiem · 16/03/2017 17:18
  1. If you were a MIL and read most of the threads here you know that the last thing that is wanted of you is to go round and just do things. It is seen as invasive, domineering etc etc.
  1. You just expect her to know? She steps up when asked but that is different.
  1. She has her own life. She works and has her hobbies. Why do they come second to the life choices you have made? Or second to the free time that she will have apart from them.
  1. Tell her you are struggling with the life choices you have made and ask for a bit of structured support until you are able to cope? Perhaps when one of them goes to school? But if you opt to have a third dont expect the MIL support to grow - discuss with her what you think you are entitled to from her prior to that.
  1. Plan ahead next time and dont rely on anyone to help. Not everyone has someone around to help and they just do it.
LauraMarling · 16/03/2017 17:19

My MIL has never offered any babysitting (even though she was desperate for GC)

We've asked a few times and she's said yes.

She doesn't work.

She sits in the house alone most days.

Some people just don't offer even though it would hugely benefit them and be easier on everyone.

It makes no sense to me either. Just thought I'd let you know it probably won't change.

NataliaOsipova · 16/03/2017 17:19

If she obliges when you ask her, then you have something to be grateful for! My mum is the same - will always help when asked, but wouldn't proactively seek to have the kids. And my MIL has only ever babysat twice - once when I was in hospital for an hour while my DH took me and once for thirty minutes when I was ill and before the emergency nanny turned up (my mum lived a long way away at the time). It could be worse.....

SparkleTwinkleGoldGlitter · 16/03/2017 17:20

Yabu, your children are your problem. Hire & pay for a babysitter if you and your dh want to go out.

Your mil works and has her own hobbies, she brought up her child/children and now it's her time so suck it up!

When you ask her to babysit the poor women says yes ffs what more do you want from her? To read your mind and know you want to go out?

2014newme · 16/03/2017 17:20

Yabu
Ask if you need help instead of expecting her to read your mind

AmserGwin · 16/03/2017 17:21

She works, why should she give up her day off to give you a day off?

MiddleClassProblem · 16/03/2017 17:22

Sorry but YABU and that comes from someone in a similar situation but not family around to babysit.

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