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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect MIL to offer?

90 replies

Sisterelephant · 16/03/2017 16:58

Mil lives about 10 minutes walk from us. We have ds4 and ds2 so life is hectic and we are tired, our relationship is suffering because we hardly get any 'couple time' apart from when the kids go to bed, and we are both tired by then. If we do want a night out we will ask mil to baby sit every once in a while and she will say yes most of the time - but she has never once offered to look after them either for a few hours or overnight.

She does work and has her hobbies so I know she is busy, but I would expect that she would offer to take them on a random day she may be free, without waiting for me to ask.

My family are in a different city so mil is the only family we have close by - AIBU to expect her to offer every now and again to give us a break?

OP posts:
iklboo · 16/03/2017 17:55

The MIL is 'nanny'

FrancisCrawford · 16/03/2017 17:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SlothMama · 16/03/2017 17:56

She has her own life, they are your children your responsibility.

PodgeBod · 16/03/2017 18:05

Maybe she would secretly love to have them more but doesn't want to be seen as interfering? If you asked her to babysit next week would she be enthusiastic or reluctantly accept? If she's enthusiastic then I would just go ahead and ask.
Or coach dc4 to ask grandma when he can come stay Grin

NotWeavingButDarning · 16/03/2017 18:08

YABU

Doyouwantabrew · 16/03/2017 18:11

You are changing your op! That's annoying

Cleanermaidcook · 16/03/2017 18:14

YABU to expect a woman who works herself and has reared her own children already to offer to babysit for you at random times just because you feel that she should want to. She babysits when asked - lucky you! be grateful for that.
For perspective both myself and dh have no parents or siblings so my kids have no grandparents or any other relatives to call on for support/affection etc, am i moaning? no we get on with looking after them ourselves and employ someone if we want to go out as a couple.
Maybe be grateful for what you have your MIL sounds nice, she babysits when asked.

Allthebestnamesareused · 16/03/2017 18:15

On Mumsnet there are so many people saying my MIl insists on taking the GC when I don't want her to - maybe she is obeying the mumsnet law of keeping out until asked!

eddiemairswife · 16/03/2017 18:18

Why are you both so tired that you need a break from your children? What is it that makes your life so hectic?

harderandharder2breathe · 16/03/2017 18:18

But I bet your grandparents weren't still working when they were helping your parents out. Regardless that was a different family twenty plus years ago. Not relevant to your MIL now.

Mil is working and has hobbies of her own. She babysits when you ask but doesn't offer because she's not a bloody mind reader! If you want more help then be a grown up and ask for it. And be grateful for the help she gives instead of expecting more and bleating about it not being like when you were young.

mummabearfoyrbabybears · 16/03/2017 18:21

My family are 400 miles away and my husband works abroad for months at a time so it's just me and my four children. If I need childcare I get a babysitter. YABVU to assume your MIL should offer. It's not her job.

Violetcharlotte · 16/03/2017 18:29

As a mother of 2 boys, I have to say I am DREADING being a MIL! According to MN it seems like they can't do right from wrong!

Crumbs1 · 16/03/2017 18:32

Trouble is granny's on here can't win - either they're interfering and controlling or cold and uncaring. Might be better to,talk to her and say to her what you've said on a public forum - except that you shouldn't say you expect her to offer but rather that you don't know how she feels about the idea of an overnight break for you. She might be desperate to do it but not want to butt in.

NavyandWhite · 16/03/2017 18:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Summer23 · 16/03/2017 18:36

YANBU op. I agree it would be nice for her to offer. At least she does help as others don't have this, as you can see from other posts.

FrancisCrawford · 16/03/2017 18:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhooooAmI24601 · 16/03/2017 18:39

My MIL is fabulous and does as much as she possibly can for us. I can't think of a time she's offered to babysit, though, because we just ask instead.

Your MIL isn't a mindreader. Be upfront and say "we'd love a night out together if you'd be ok having the DCs for us?" People don't die from being upfront. They die from keeping all their silent rage and misery inside and never living like they want to because they assume folk should just know to offer their services.

turnaroundbrighteyes · 16/03/2017 18:49

If you're saying that mil says yes, but you only feel comfortable asking for special occasions when you need a babysitter or very rarely, but would like her to babysit regularly then yabu not discussing it.

Could DH not call round for a cuppa and ask how she would feel about a regular arrangement. How often she'd feel comfortable with eg once a month / week / fortnight.

Totally understand where you're coming from though as we've had a bit of a rollercoaster with Grandparents and overnights. Spoke to DM before ttc to see how she'd feel about a regular overnight - no pressure but I have a disability that means a break could have been essential (thankfully was okay, but didn't know that until dc1 was here and a break would still have made my life SO much easier). Mum said she wouldn't want to commit to anything as regular as weekly but would be very happy with monthly, then didn't follow through :-( Then u-turned again at around 4yrs old and now is amazing - 3 day sleepovers every 6 weeks and loves it!

MIL has never had dc overnight, offered once when DH was in hospital. Unfortunately I accepted before realising that her plan was that I do 6 hrs driving to get 8 hrs childfree time, during which I'd be asleep :-S. I stayed over too...

PlumsGalore · 16/03/2017 18:50

If she did offer all the time would you be posting about your MIL wanting to takeover? She is probably on MN and trying her best to be a good GP and not forcing herself on you.

WyfOfBathe · 16/03/2017 18:53

YABU, she babysits when asked. If you don't tell her that you want her to do it more often, then how is she to know?

EmeraldScorn · 16/03/2017 18:55

I don't offer to mind my nieces/nephews because if any of my siblings need childcare for whatever reason then they will just say and I will just agree because that's how we work things in my family;

Say = Get.
Do not say = Do not get.

Your mother in law shouldn't be expected to know when you might need extra help, ask the woman if you want her to child mind - It's not fair to complain that she doesn't offer, maybe she should go on "Gransnet" and complain about you not asking!

Goondoit · 16/03/2017 18:56

YABU!! If you want her to babysit ask her don't expect her to be a mind reader

Poor mil would get classed as interfering should she say she wants the kids all the time and is classed as not caring when she doesn't.

Edballsisoneniftydancer · 16/03/2017 18:59

Totally on team Mils just can't win here!

If I had a pound for every time I've read here 'Why doesn't she butt out...she's had her turn' I would have an awful lot of pounds by now.

But it seems that the 'turn' of looking after the children so that their mum can have some (doubtless well deserved me time) is infinite.

As others have said (and you OP!) she works, she has her own interests and she is prepared to help out when asked: why on earth should she seek out more opportunities to do so? And again, as others have said, when's the last time you offered to take some of her load off? Or is your time more precious than hers?

MiddleClassProblem · 16/03/2017 18:59

You agree with what ImperialBlether said op so are you saying she doesn't see the kids with you? As surely that counts. It's the only way my DD sees PIL and my parents although when we stay with my parents they will babysit one night so we get a night out together (twice a year).

Bluntness100 · 16/03/2017 19:02

!You are changing your op! That's annoying

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