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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect MIL to offer?

90 replies

Sisterelephant · 16/03/2017 16:58

Mil lives about 10 minutes walk from us. We have ds4 and ds2 so life is hectic and we are tired, our relationship is suffering because we hardly get any 'couple time' apart from when the kids go to bed, and we are both tired by then. If we do want a night out we will ask mil to baby sit every once in a while and she will say yes most of the time - but she has never once offered to look after them either for a few hours or overnight.

She does work and has her hobbies so I know she is busy, but I would expect that she would offer to take them on a random day she may be free, without waiting for me to ask.

My family are in a different city so mil is the only family we have close by - AIBU to expect her to offer every now and again to give us a break?

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 16/03/2017 17:23

Maybe because she loves her grandchildren and loves her son and wants a day with the kids?

OP, are you sure she isn't just wary of crossing you by asking?

harderandharder2breathe · 16/03/2017 17:24

Yabu

She's not a mind reader. She works and has commitments of her own but still babysits when you ask. You and DH chose to have two small children. They're your responsibility not MILs. If you need help then ask her but she's under no obligation.

poor MILs can never win. They're supposed to be mind readers and know exactly what level of involvement their DIL wants at any given time.

Original poster
Sisterelephant · 16/03/2017 17:25

Ok I can understand why some of you think I'm BU.

Dh has siblings close in age so we often share how tough it's is with young kids, I get on really well with mil, she's lovely. Yes we chose to have them but an unexpected offer to take the kids every now and again is the kind of support I'd love to have from family, but mil is the only family...

My family are in a different city I have cousins who have dc around the same age and would definitely offer to have them every now and then to give my cousin a break because I know how hard it can be.

OP posts:
unicorn5629 · 16/03/2017 17:26

I'm sorry op
My DM comes up on a train funded by us to have our daughter every few weeks so that we can work a shift at the same time, we feed her and give her a lift home and that's all so we can work at the same time, no breaks as we share care of our DD. It's the least we could do, she's doing us a huge favour and allowing us more time in the week as a family.

YABU

Bluntness100 · 16/03/2017 17:26

Did you have kids through choice op?

If you want her to babysit ask her. I'm also of the school of thought you have kids you deal with them, find a baby sitter, tell her you're happy for her to do it or there is a sitter you can use and no pressure either way.

Take some responsibility.

2014newme · 16/03/2017 17:27

Ffs. We have zero help from family. Mil lives nearby and says yes when you ask her to babysit. You are very lucky. Stop being ungrateful and entitled. You sound dreadful.

Pinkheart5915 · 16/03/2017 17:27

Yabu

You expect her to offer? Wtf? She raised her child/children and is still working plus has her hobbies why do you expect her to babysit your children?

When you ask her to babysit she says yes, what more do you want from her? People can't read minds you know

How about your hire a babysitter and pay for the childcare then you can go out as much as you like

Doyouwantabrew · 16/03/2017 17:28

Love mumsnet dils/mils

My dm/mil never once had any of ours overnight and I never asked.i works have bloody loved them to.

I offer around twice a month to have grand child overnight and also help look after gc while parents work.

However op it's not your place to expect it's a gift you are given. You sound a tad entitled and maybe you need to work on that part of your personality.

Original poster
Sisterelephant · 16/03/2017 17:28

Thanks imperial that's more what I'm getting at.

My ds love their nanny and spending time with her

OP posts:
Backt0Black · 16/03/2017 17:28

Shes raised her kids, in truth she doesn't have to offer at all. You're certainly wrong to 'expect' it.... where your family live is a bit irrelevant you MiL's time is her own regardless of circumstance i'm afraid.

Xmasbaby11 · 16/03/2017 17:30

I totally see where you're coming from. At 2 and 4 it's too young imo to hire a babysitter and also adds to costs at an age where childcare costs are high. It could be that she would do more if asked - you can ask but make it clear you don't expect it.

My dp will babysit every 2 or 3 months but never in the daytime and never overnight. Just from 6ish to 11pm.

prettywhiteguitar · 16/03/2017 17:31

YANBU but according to mumsnet grandparents shouldn't ever have to lift a finger to help out their children Wink

I was told not to expect my mil to babysit my child once a year at my convenience. Once my children have kids I am going to randomly look after my grandchildren, I have no help and I would love to not have to pay £20 every time I want to go out with dh.

m0therofdragons · 16/03/2017 17:34

Your mil babysits when asked? Yanbu she's clearly a total bitch. So many people have 2 young children so why would she assume you need help?

My second pg was twins and seriously once you have 3 pre school dc nobody offers help! Mil is planning to have mine overnight in may but fil has taken holiday to help. Dc are 8 and 5. They'd never have had dc overnight at 2, not because they don't love them but because it's a lot of responsibility and 2yos are full on.

Bluntness100 · 16/03/2017 17:35

Thanks imperial that's more what I'm getting at.

SparkleTwinkleGoldGlitter · 16/03/2017 17:38

YANBU but according to mumsnet grandparents shouldn't ever have to lift a finger to help out their children wink Umm did you not read the bit in the op when mil DOES babysit when she's asked, is that not helping them out? Confused

OP what is actually your problem? If you want your mil to look after your children then be a grown up and just ask her like you have in the past it's not difficult is it

FiveMinutesAlone · 16/03/2017 17:39

Maybe she's worried that you'll think she's overstepping boundaries and being intrusive if she offers to babysit?

Underthemoonlight · 16/03/2017 17:42

We have the same issue only
Mil takes sils baby and makes the effort to see her but not my two.When we ask her to babysit majority of the time it's a no so we don't bother anymore and have reduced contact.

We learnt that we have to make the best of the time we do have when the kids are in bed. We are lucky if we go out 2/3 times a year. However your situation is different if she will do if you ask her why not just ask her more.

nutbrownhare15 · 16/03/2017 17:43

I know exactly where you are coming from. She is under no obligation and if course you are grateful for what she does already but wow what a difference it would make if she offered over and above what she already does. I feel the same about my parents. I have vowed when.i have grandchildren to make it very clear that I am very happy to help out if my kids would like a break to go out for lunch or dinner etc. And to offer regularly.

Original poster
Sisterelephant · 16/03/2017 17:50

five thanks I think it may be that.

blunt that's not the case at all.

I was bought up around lots of family having regular sleepovers etc, I know my mum didn't ask all the time, my Nan/grandad would ask me if I wanted to stay over. I just assumed when I had kids it would be same. I wanted to get an opinion on this.

OP posts:
Huldra · 16/03/2017 17:51

She probably doesn't feel as if she has to make a point about offering because there's a history of you and dh asking then her saying yes Confused

She knows you will ask when she's needed.
You know she will when she can.

Don't complicate a good working relationship.

2014newme · 16/03/2017 17:51

Now I'm confused the nanny has been brought into it by op. Does the nanny babysit?

Bluebell28 · 16/03/2017 17:52

Both my dc's grannies babysat for me including an overnight once every year. That said I had children who slept 12 hours a night and both grannies said that made a big difference

dontdipyourhairinthebeanjuice · 16/03/2017 17:52

Yabu if you want her to read your mind re needing a break.

That said, if you would like her to spend time with her grandchildren just for fun, rather than to do you a favour I get it. Grandmas are not babysitters, they are way more important than that.

Nanny0gg · 16/03/2017 17:53

And btw, love my DGC to bits and I do babysit and help out when I can.

But I'm bloody knackered!

LizB62A · 16/03/2017 17:54

YABU
Your children, your responsibility

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