AIBU to expect MIL to offer?

[Sisterelephant]

Mil lives about 10 minutes walk from us. We have ds4 and ds2 so life is hectic and we are tired, our relationship is suffering because we hardly get any 'couple time' apart from when the kids go to bed, and we are both tired by then. If we do want a night out we will ask mil to baby sit every once in a while and she will say yes most of the time - but she has never once offered to look after them either for a few hours or overnight.

She does work and has her hobbies so I know she is busy, but I would expect that she would offer to take them on a random day she may be free, without waiting for me to ask.

My family are in a different city so mil is the only family we have close by - AIBU to expect her to offer every now and again to give us a break?

Or is your time more precious than hers?

Sorry, really bad form to quote myself here but I just want to say as a MiL that my time is in fact WAY more precious than my children's by the very objective measure that I have so much less of it left!!

Agree with Doyouwantabrew and Bluntness100

I'm of the opinion if you didn't help in the making of them (or adopting them of course) then it's really not your responsibility to look after them.

Yes it is nice to have help, but it should never be expected, she is not a resource to be used.

Maybe when she does look after your children she finds it a bit too much and that is why she never offers.

YABU, sorry OP. You're disappointed that she doesn't do what your grandparents did, but the way your family did things when you were young is not some universal rule of good grandparenting. Your MIL is different. She helps when asked and you can't reasonably expect more than that. Lots of us have no family nearby at all and no help. Hell, the last time I had a child-free evening out with DH was in 2014.

You might love to have her offer, but there's nothing wrong with her not offering. You'll just have to live with your MIL being an individual from a different family, with different ideas about how things happen.

Thanks all.

To be clear I do really like my mil, we get one well and I'm extremely grateful that she will have the dc when I ask. But I can now understand that her GC and giving me and her DH a break is not her no.1 priory, so I accept IABU to expect it to be.

As I've said, I just assumed it to be like when I was a kid and I spent lots of time with my grandparents. To be fair we don't really see her much even though she lives close and I hoped that having the dc would mean she would want to come over often/invite us all over more often. Maybe I'll start asking her more!

I have on many occasions invited her for a cuppa and told her to come over at anytime but it doesn't happen, but that's fine of course! It's her choice. She very rarely invites me and dc over.

I think will definitely be offering my dc help with their grandkids when the time comes!

And just to add, I don't think that she MUST always offer, It would be a nice offer now and then.

I have on many occasions invited her for a cuppa and told her to come over at anytime but it doesn't happen, but that's fine of course! It's her choice.

Those sorts of invitations are tricky though if you're worried about catching people at a bad time. I'd feel really uncomfortable just turning up at someone's house. Arrange a specific time to meet if you actually want to meet someone.

My PIL (work full time) have Ds every other Saturday and every so often overnight. When Dd is older they will have her too. That's their choice, they asked to have him, we never ask anyone to babysit.
Yabu expecting her to look after kids you chose to have to give you a break. I had my kids not expecting other people to look after them. I had them knowing my life was going to change, no more nights out ect, again, my choice.

YABVU, she already babysits when asked so if you want more couple time pay for a sitter.

She's still working, you can't seriously expect her to spend her days off giving you a break. She's older and very likely wants to make the most if her free time now her child rearing days are over. Would you spend your precious days off work childminding for someone else?

Mumsnet MILs who offer to look after their grandchildrenare "pushy"and "controlling" and "need to be told they've had their children and to stop trying to play mummy"

Say to her what you've said on here-that you're really tired and need some couple time and please will she look after the children one day soon.
She will undoubtedly say "of course- how about Thursday week?" sorted.

My PIL are lovely and love their GC a lot but have never offered to babysit or have the children. We've asked a couple of times and they've agreed and then changed their mind. Totally different attitude with their DD and her child.

Yes it fucks me off but their choice I guess.

Count your blessings would be my advice.

It's nice you get on with her. My MIL has never once, not on one single occasion, initiated contact with our toddler DS, let alone offered to babysit. We last saw her just before Christmas (at our suggestion) and before that it was July, again at our suggestion. She cancelled and never rescheduled another time we were supposed to see her. I'm sick of asking her now, neither DH or myself have had any contact with her since December.

YABU about the offering.
You have said she almost always sits when you do fancy a night out.
You've also said she is still working, so she is busy. She has 'been there, done that' as far as having small dc around all the time goes, now she's probably enjoying some free time to do her hobbies or, indeed, do nothing!

Re the popping in, she's probably a MNer herself and has read how many odd people HATE people just popping in, so is too nervous to. That and the fact that, as a MiL, it's bound to be seen as 'interfering' and 'overbearing' is she comes round too often.

Yabu. We have 2 kids one on fhe way and never had an evening since they were born without them because we cant. That was our choice we knew when we wanted kids we wouldnt have any child care.