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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have a private gender scan

106 replies

TickingTimeBomb2017 · 16/03/2017 13:24

I'd just like some hand-holding and empathy more than anything. (AIBU probably not best choice! ha).

I'm 16 weeks. This is my third child. I have a son and daughter already so the gender of this third child does not affect me personally. However this will be DP's second child. His first was a girl. His brother has three girls. So obviously, his side of the family are excited for the possibility of this baby being a boy. They keep asking when the scan is. I largely got pregnant for DP because he wanted another child whereas I was satisfied with my two (because I have one of each!) DP has made his preference for a boy clear but has also given the spiel that he would love it no matter what.

I'm petrified of the chance of this baby being another girl, because I fear that:

  • his family will not be bothered about it.
  • DP will be less enthusiastic and engage less with it.
  • there will be pressure for me to keep getting pregnant (I'm struggling with this pregnancy).

Sorry to sound dramatic but I cry regularly with worry and even have nightmares. I'm very tempted to have a private gender scan now, and attend alone, but then what? How do I cope? I've got a history of depression & anxiety so my fears are amplified than they would be for the average person. The worry is effecting my daily life and my relationship. I don't want to deprive DP of a son but I've found this pregnancy mentally very challenging.

OP posts:
Dahlietta · 16/03/2017 17:58

I think he's of the opinion that we can keep trying for a boy.

I'm not sure how comprehensive studies on this are, but I have certainly read something that suggested that the more you have of one sex, the more likely you are to have more of that sex. Certainly, all the babies on my husband's side of the families are boys and we have two of them. I know a family who had 9 boys and then a girl. You could have to 'keep trying' for a very long time...

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 16/03/2017 18:06

If I say, "this is my last pregnancy - deal with it", am I not depriving him?

No. You've given him 2 children already. It's not your job to be a vessel for his offspring until he gets his ideal child. I find it alarming that he thinks nothinf of you going through pregnancy, birth and motherhood when you're not that keen all to appease his idea of what makes a good family setting.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 16/03/2017 18:10

Good point Maid. Having a boy won't necessarily mean a buddy to shape into an alpha male. I'm pleased I had no feminine expectations of DD - she's into football, hates dresses, and loves all things Marvel. A boy could well be into ballet, singing and dollies. What will he do then?

brokenbone · 16/03/2017 18:13

Do you have scan pics from your 12 week scan? We can see if we can spot the "nub" and give you a clue to the gender. I've done this twice with my niece and been correct both times.

goose1964 · 16/03/2017 18:14

DD had a private gender scan because she was worried she was having a girl, and she felt she needed the time to adjust.As it turns out it was another boy so her worries were for nothing.I think you should do the same

MrsBobDylan · 16/03/2017 18:50

Sorry op but your dp sounds like a bully, pushing you to fulfill his needs regardless of what it costs you emotionally or physically. Blackmail you by telling you you are depriving him if you don't keep pushing out babies until he gets one with a penis.

He is expressing more than a gender preference - it's as though he feels he has a right to be provided with a boy and that a girl is simply inadequate. I would be worried what example he was setting to your children op.

Headofthehive55 · 16/03/2017 19:35

Always think the term "one of each" very very odd.
There is no such thing. The are all unique. My three girls are different, so different to each other.

RupertsMum2 · 16/03/2017 20:02

Ah yes. Ds3 (10) loves pink and sparkly, unicorns, teddies and dislikes rough play or sport. I'm not sure he would suit your dp.

CPtart · 16/03/2017 20:05

Men are more likely to want a son, and more likely to leave the family unit if their offspring are solely female. There's plenty of research on that. Interestingly, however much men want that son, the vast majority don't want them enough to go for full custody when they split with the mother, or even apply for 50/50.

hoddtastic · 16/03/2017 20:09

it's sex, not gender, you might have a child who turns into a butch lesbian and identifies as a male so that'd be OK no?

Dahlietta · 16/03/2017 20:22

Ah yes. Ds3 (10) loves pink and sparkly, unicorns, teddies and dislikes rough play or sport. I'm not sure he would suit your dp.

I taught a boy a bit like this: lovely lad, very bright, very talented artist and actor, but hated sport of any kind. Whenever I saw his big, macho dad, the disappointment oozed out of him.

SittingAround1 · 16/03/2017 20:32

No you would not be depriving him of anything if this is your last pregnancy.

He is lucky to have 2 children with you.
It would be unfair on your child if she turns out to be a girl & you try for another purely because she is not a boy.

OopsDearyMe · 16/03/2017 20:35

You worry me greatly OP, you are so caught up in pleasing your husband. You should be the only one you want to please. You are most important and frankly you should not be in a relationship with this man or bringing children into it. You have a right to live a happy life, your husband is correct though in that you need to deal with the anxiety, however have you considered that maybe the anxiety is coming from pressure to please?
You sound like you have no self esteem.
I cannot say I understand the gender preference thing, surely a healthy child is the goal, no matter what chromosomes they have! Mine didn't show on the scans anyway. If you do not want any more children, you know that you have a choice in that, we live in a day and age where you can choose. I would not advocate using contraception without telling your husband, but you need to be firm. You can ask to have your tubes tied if you have a c section at the same time.

isadoradancing123 · 16/03/2017 20:37

How is it offensive to say you are happy because you have one of each. My God, some people just love to be offended

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 16/03/2017 20:40

Knowing the gender isnt going to chsnge anything. It's made up its mind what it is.
His family will just have to like it or lump it.

Headofthehive55 · 16/03/2017 21:11

There isnt such a thing as "one of each". My children are so much more than their reproductive organs. Or eye colour.

Booksandmags79 · 16/03/2017 21:39

Regardless of what happens with the scan, please make a GP appointment so you can get some support with your mental health. The most important thing right now is your wellbeing.
Even if the baby is a girl, you can't do anything about it and you don't sound like you're in good enough shape to have tough conversations with DP. So park that side of it and get to the Dr asap.
Your midwife sounds terrible, any red flag on your mental health should have had her helping you not dismissing you.
I wish you well, take good care of yourself first.

Original poster
TickingTimeBomb2017 · 16/03/2017 22:20

Thanks for your hand-holding everyone.

I shall report back tomorrow with the results.

OP posts:
QueenArseClangers · 16/03/2017 22:42

Your DP doesn't sound like a very kind man OP Flowers

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 17/03/2017 10:28

What time is your scan op?

MrsDoylesladder · 17/03/2017 10:37

So, are you going to have a termination if it's a girl? Is he going to leave you if it's a girl?

VestalVirgin · 17/03/2017 10:52

If you do not want any more children, you know that you have a choice in that, we live in a day and age where you can choose. I would not advocate using contraception without telling your husband, but you need to be firm. You can ask to have your tubes tied if you have a c section at the same time.

If she cannot have her tubes tied right after this pregnancy, then I would very much recommend using contraception like an implant, that he won't notice, until she is safely away from him.

A man who thinks he is entitled to a male heir, and can just use her body to that purpose, and has her so far that she thinks she'd "deprive" him of anything if she puts her wellbeing first, is not safe to be around, and cannot be trusted to not mess with her contraception if he knows about it.
Unless I have massively misunderstood what the OP wrote, and the anxiety is ALL her own, and her partner NEVER implied he would try until he gets a boy, and worded his statement that she is sick and should see a shrink WAY more sympathetic than she quoted it - unless it is all a misunderstanding, I am not of the opinion she should stay in this relationship.

Considering that it will likely take her some time to gather the strength to walk away, secret contraception is a good idea.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 17/03/2017 11:53

Whatever the poor little mite is it is sure being born with a big job to do. :(

fraggle84 · 17/03/2017 12:02

Hope the scan goes well and he/she is ok

Foxysoxy01 · 17/03/2017 12:18

I don't want to piss on your parade OP, but have you genuinely thought about what is going to happen when these children are older?

If he is showing such a marked preference for a boy that you have to keep trying till he gets what he wants do you not worry it's a little like piling up the rejects over on the reject pile and being blinkered to this special child. Not only is the situation going to be very unhealthy for your existing kids but it is going to really fuck up the special boy when he has to become a clone of your partners and PIL wants and desires.

You are both setting all the kids in this equation up to fail and I would be having a serious discussion and maybe therapy with/for your DP.