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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have a private gender scan

106 replies

TickingTimeBomb2017 · 16/03/2017 13:24

I'd just like some hand-holding and empathy more than anything. (AIBU probably not best choice! ha).

I'm 16 weeks. This is my third child. I have a son and daughter already so the gender of this third child does not affect me personally. However this will be DP's second child. His first was a girl. His brother has three girls. So obviously, his side of the family are excited for the possibility of this baby being a boy. They keep asking when the scan is. I largely got pregnant for DP because he wanted another child whereas I was satisfied with my two (because I have one of each!) DP has made his preference for a boy clear but has also given the spiel that he would love it no matter what.

I'm petrified of the chance of this baby being another girl, because I fear that:

  • his family will not be bothered about it.
  • DP will be less enthusiastic and engage less with it.
  • there will be pressure for me to keep getting pregnant (I'm struggling with this pregnancy).

Sorry to sound dramatic but I cry regularly with worry and even have nightmares. I'm very tempted to have a private gender scan now, and attend alone, but then what? How do I cope? I've got a history of depression & anxiety so my fears are amplified than they would be for the average person. The worry is effecting my daily life and my relationship. I don't want to deprive DP of a son but I've found this pregnancy mentally very challenging.

OP posts:
Original poster
TickingTimeBomb2017 · 16/03/2017 14:16

I do get very prickly when people express sympathy

I'm scared of that too. It sucks the joy out of it.

OP posts:
SomewhatIdiosyncratic · 16/03/2017 14:19

Don't tell anyone else what sex the baby is. Their reaction is not what you need when you are pregnant and anxious.

Original poster
TickingTimeBomb2017 · 16/03/2017 14:19

His ex maintained throughout her pregnancy that she was sure it was a boy, to the point where they bought loads of boy stuff. I can see why she did that :(

OP posts:
PunjanaTea · 16/03/2017 14:20

I see you've booked a scan. I think you're doing the right thing as from your posts it comes across as if the 'what ifs' are partly what is causing the anxiousness. It's always a lot easier to deal with the known, than the unknown.

I hope it goes well tomorrow and that whatever the result you find that your fears are unfounded Flowers

pigsknickers · 16/03/2017 14:20

No, it really doesn't need to suck the joy out of it! My two boys are pure joy and I can't imagine them being anyone else. I make sure everyone around me knows that they are 100% wanted and loved. Beyond that I really don't care what anyone else thinks, that's their issue.

llangennith · 16/03/2017 14:24

For your own sanity find out the gender asap even if you keep it to yourself. Whatever the gender you can keep saying quite firmly to DP's lot that whether it's a boy or a girl is irrelevant and it'll be much loved anyway.

SittingAround1 · 16/03/2017 14:25

It's not your responsibility to provide a boy for the family.
Your DH and his family ABVU to put pressure on you about this.
I can't even imagine going through another pregnancy just to give them a chance of having a boy. You need to stand up for yourself.

If they are less interested because your child is a girl then it's their loss.

Original poster
TickingTimeBomb2017 · 16/03/2017 14:25

It's always a lot easier to deal with the known, than the unknown.

Thanks. I hope that's true.

pigsknickers Does people's sympathy not grate on you? It would me. :( I want to be proud of my babies, not apologetic.

OP posts:
FlyingElbows · 16/03/2017 14:35

You have absolutely zero reason to apologise for the sex of and of your children! Unless you are actually married to Henry VIII I assume you, your husband and his family know that the sex of a baby is determined by the sperm? You've only got girl genes (XX) so you xan only donate an X. Your husband carries both girl and boy genes (XY). So we can have X from you and X from him which equals (XX) girl, or X from you and Y from him which equals (XY) boy. Just tell them to sod off!

Original poster
TickingTimeBomb2017 · 16/03/2017 14:41

Yes, I know it's the man that determines the gender, but that won't stop me being under pressure to keep getting pregnant or else "deprive him of a son".

:(

OP posts:
Morphene · 16/03/2017 14:42

gender is really massively out of control in our society atm. Lets suppose this poor child is in fact the holy grail, a boy. Why does everyone want this? Is it so they can support said child to develop his personal talents and interests in flower arranging and interpretive dance? Is it so the women of the family finally have someone to go shopping or to the spa with?

The poor sod has no chance of following his own desires while overwhelmed by all the gendered expectations of his family.

Morphene · 16/03/2017 14:43

I wouldn't personally want to bring any child into that environment. A recipe for disappointment on all sides and a child that's never able to be themselves.

Original poster
TickingTimeBomb2017 · 16/03/2017 14:44

Morphene that's a good point.

OP posts:
Morphene · 16/03/2017 14:45

Not a useful one given you are already pregnant though! Sorry about that.

I think I would want to know up front in this case also, as you could at least begin to diffuse the gender stereotyping in the relevant directions ahead of the birth.

VestalVirgin · 16/03/2017 14:48

You have way bigger problems than the sex of this baby!

I agree. And it is about the sex of the baby.

If it weren't, you could just say that he doesn't know what gender the child is until child is old enough to tell you about their gender identity.

Yes, I know it's the man that determines the gender, but that won't stop me being under pressure to keep getting pregnant or else "deprive him of a son".

Run for the hills.

You are married to the reincarnation of Henry VIII. Hmm

VestalVirgin · 16/03/2017 14:49

Just checked, DP so not married? Good, run for the hills right now, no need for divorce.

bingolittle · 16/03/2017 14:55

You are not sick BUT you would not be wrong to seek psychological help with this one. You are in a stressful situation, you have a history of anxiety etc, and you're also full of hormones. Talking it out with a professional isn't going to do any harm, and may be very helpful.

I totally sympathise - I was in a very similar situation myself during one of my pregnancies. Went to GP, got referred to psychiatrist, found it immensely helpful.

For what it's worth: something very similar to your 'worst' case scenario happened to me, and neither I nor anyone else would change a thing about it. I know it's a cliche, but I think that when the baby arrives, you will love it and be unable to imagine wanting it to be any different.

VestalVirgin · 16/03/2017 15:31

For what it's worth: something very similar to your 'worst' case scenario happened to me, and neither I nor anyone else would change a thing about it. I know it's a cliche, but I think that when the baby arrives, you will love it and be unable to imagine wanting it to be any different.

OP has already stated she doesn't care what sex the new baby will have. And yes, most mothers get over their disappointment with the baby's sex eventually.

The problem here is that her partner and his family see her as walking womb that has to pop out a male heir for them.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 16/03/2017 15:54

I think you are perhaps obsessing over the baby's gender more than you need to. Although your partner has expressed a preference for a boy, he has reassured you that he will be happy with another daughter. Equally your in laws already have several granddaughters, I'm sure they are loved and accepted, just as your baby will be.

The words you use, petrified, crying daily, having nightmares, unable to function in daily life suggest to me that your anxiety and depression has perhaps been exacerbated by this pregnancy and your partner's thoughtless comments.

Talking your fears through with your partner and seeking help with your anxiety will help you gain some perspective and peace of mind. Flowers

mammyoftwo · 16/03/2017 15:58

you mentioned scan booked.
just for fun, answer these questions and I'll tell you if bambino is boy or girl!

during first trimester:

  1. skin glowing in gd condition OR spotty
  2. urine clear OR darker and cloudy
  3. hair greasy OR voluminous
  4. cravings sweet OR savoury
Original poster
TickingTimeBomb2017 · 16/03/2017 16:08

your anxiety and depression has perhaps been exacerbated by this pregnancy and your partner's thoughtless comments.

Yes x 1000.

mammyoftwo

  1. spotty
  2. darker and cloudy
  3. hair greasy
  4. savoury
OP posts:
ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 16/03/2017 16:18

Can you talk to anyone about your anxiety and depression, ticking? A midwife or doctor?
There will be treatments available. The gender issue seems to have escalated in your mind to epic proportions and it shouldn't be affecting your daily life, your sleep, and your mood in this way. I think getting a handle on your anxiety will help you enormously.
Just talking it all through with someone impartial will help Flowers

pigsknickers · 16/03/2017 16:30

Well nobody I actually care about has said anything that's even slightly negative, I'm not sure how I'd deal with that to be honest. It's more the mindless smalltalk some people feel the need to make, like "oh dear, you've got your hands full" (sad face), or one person asked me if I wasn't going to try for a girl when I said I was sticking at two. It grates slightly, yes, but a lot of things do if I'm honest! I get pretty annoyed by people making daft assumptions about kids' personalities especially based on stupid gender stereotypes. But the most that happens is that I make a mental note that that person's a bit daft, then I move on. It's hardly like it taints my experience of being a parent. But if close family or friends were on a downer because I've only got two boys then I would be pretty angry about it - I still wouldn't make me wish I had a girl instead though.

mammyoftwo · 16/03/2017 16:32

these questions usually NEVER fail to predict sex
two of your answers are girl and two are boy, so 50-50!

mammyoftwo · 16/03/2017 16:33

hope all goes well tomorrow Flowers