to have a private gender scan

[TickingTimeBomb2017]

I'd just like some hand-holding and empathy more than anything. (AIBU probably not best choice! ha).

I'm 16 weeks. This is my third child. I have a son and daughter already so the gender of this third child does not affect me personally. However this will be DP's second child. His first was a girl. His brother has three girls. So obviously, his side of the family are excited for the possibility of this baby being a boy. They keep asking when the scan is. I largely got pregnant for DP because he wanted another child whereas I was satisfied with my two (because I have one of each!) DP has made his preference for a boy clear but has also given the spiel that he would love it no matter what.

I'm petrified of the chance of this baby being another girl, because I fear that:

• his family will not be bothered about it.
• DP will be less enthusiastic and engage less with it.
• there will be pressure for me to keep getting pregnant (I'm struggling with this pregnancy).

Sorry to sound dramatic but I cry regularly with worry and even have nightmares. I'm very tempted to have a private gender scan now, and attend alone, but then what? How do I cope? I've got a history of depression & anxiety so my fears are amplified than they would be for the average person. The worry is effecting my daily life and my relationship. I don't want to deprive DP of a son but I've found this pregnancy mentally very challenging.

I think the comments about OP being satisfied with 2 as she has one of each are a bit unfair. I too have one of each and no desire for a third even though I always wanted three beforehand, partly because I have a boy and a girl and partly because in reality, 2 is enough for me. I always wished for both and feel lucky to have them.

Obviously there are people who would love that and never have it happen, just the same as there are people who would say they wished for a trio of girls (or boys) or even one child regardless of gender. But it's just a preference or a wish (if that's the right word), if I'd had two boys it doesn't mean I wouldn't love them, just that I would have loved to have both. It's not a sin for goodness sake, I think that comment from OP is the least of her problems.

OP that's an awful situation for you to be in, I'm not sure what I would do but when I was pregnant with ds I was told he was a girl. I spent two months looking at girls things and then at the next scan was corrected. It was really upsetting for all of 5 mins, then it was fine. I'm sure getting it wrong doesn't happen often but I was told the wrong gender at just shy of 6 months. You and dp really need to work it out before you have a scan so that whatever the gender, there will be no problems.

Oh Lordy it's twins

Sorry, that was in response to Mammys gender prediction.

I think the comments about OP being satisfied with 2 as she has one of each are a bit unfair. I too have one of each and no desire for a third even though I always wanted three beforehand, partly because I have a boy and a girl

We will agree to disagree, I find it very offensive. You sound very similar in mindset to the OP.

I always find gender predictions a bit

It's def not twins I know that.

I told my midwife I was depressed and not coping and she just told me to tell the GP because "she is a midwife, not a mental health specialist". :(

I honestly think you're both far too hung up on gender. What does he and his family think a boy can do that a girl can't? I don't think the answer to your problems lies in the sex of this baby

I don't want to deprive DP of a son

I hope he knows it's not your fault if he doesn't get a boy? You're not depriving him of anything. Please put your own health before him and his family it sounds like this is getting to you far too much

Laguna honestly what's wrong with that? You've conveniently pasted bits of what I said but no matter. Nobody said all boys or all girls are bad or wrong. I did want three, 2 boys and girl, in that order, but I knew it was only a "wish" or a "want". It didn't happen and I couldn't have a third, so I can't be happy to have one of each? Ok then.

Anyway, OP, I hope things go well for you. Be kind to yourself and good luck with the scan

I didnt conveniently post bits of what you said - I posted the bit that jumped out to me.

Your midwife sounds quite unhelpful! It would be worth speaking to your gp about your depression. Feeling overwhelmed and anxious all the time must be awful.
Your partner needs to stop all comments about gender and tell his family too. You are struggling with the pregnancy and depression, and their comments are making you ill. x

Just tell him you've read research that says alpha males tend to father girls. Good luck with the scan and the future. And be lucky you can still have a baby. Thousands of women, men and families would want to but can't.

And thousands of baby girls are aborted - think China and India and alas, the UK - because they're not the desired sex. How is that right?

You're not depriving him of anything.

If I say, "this is my last pregnancy - deal with it", am I not depriving him?

No you're not depriving him if you say that. Children are a gift not a right, he needs to learn that.

No it isn't depriving him! You could have ten more babies which could all be girls! Where would you be then?!

It's not you producing a non preferred sex, it's his sperm male swimmers not moving fast enough. If it's a problem ,them it's not down to you. Maybe you could float that idea, see how fast he shuts up.

How can he be talking about you depriving him when you are having a child together right now? I had strong gender prefs with first DC. It was really intense up until the sex scan, then I found lots of other things to worry about... maybe this will pass...

Pregnancy is NOT easy, let alone raising babies- surely it's a huge privilege for him to have you carry a baby, regardless of sex.

I think he's of the opinion that we can keep trying for a boy.

I'd be furious with my dp. Why does gender matter? I genuinely don't get it. Children are all individuals. If you have a son and expect him to be a certain way because he's male, you may well be disappointed.

My DH went to school with a boy who had 10 brothers and no sisters. Do NOT be persuaded to 'keep trying' for a boy.

I'm assuming if the dp and his siblings have no sons, then the onus of having a boy lies with the desire to carry on his paternal surname? A completely outdated concept that some families believe to be important.

I understand completely, in laws are a pain when it comes to gender, my sis in law has 2 girls and when we found out we were pregnant again mil said I hope its a boy for me... I was like and I was worried if we had a boy our daughter would be left out, forgotten about ect.
Turns out we are having another girl me and dh are over the moon and just want a healthy baby. Mil hasn't really mentioned the baby since so i haven't bothered with her.
My dad was disappointed when my sis had her 2nd girl as there are no boys in our family and desperately wanted a boy so he got boy dog lol (said he needed some more testosterone in the family) when we told him this one is a girl his answer was well maybe this one will like sport. But wasn't as disappointed as I thought he would be.
Keep your chin up and if they sulk ect leave them to it, you will love this baby enough even if they want to be aresholes about it.

I was absolutely crystal clear with DH (and everyone else) that DD2 was my last pregnancy. Regardless of him or anyone else wanting a boy there is no way I'm ever getting pregnant again (not that he does want a son, he loves our two daughters, and thinks people who pity him for having no sons are odd).

A baby is something that requires the woman first of all to be willing to carry the pregnancy, before anyone else's views come into it - you are not a vessel you are a person and pregnancy is a huge undertaking that is very physically and mentally demanding. And wanting you to go through it again just for a baby of the opposite sex is very - babies are who they are because of personality and upbringing, not what's between their legs.

For your anxiety, I found that pregnancy hormones made my mood bounce around all over the place - I needed to take a good pregnancy multi-vitamin everyday to stabilise things a bit. Take care, making a new person is hard work!

To follow up Morphene's discussion of gender roles:
OP, what on earth will your DP be like with a boy who might choose to completely eschew stereotypical gender roles? Will he "tolerate" pink sparkles and ballet classes? Will he be happy if his boy fancies other boys, or if he decides to present as female? And what a low opinion of females (including you maybe)?