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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that if you're pregnant and want a seat, just ask?

109 replies

yummycake123 · 16/03/2017 08:36

I was on the train this morning; I had a seat by the door, I was reading the news on my phone. After a few stations I looked up and noticed a lady standing in front of me. She was wearing a belted coat and had a bit of a "bloat". I was wondering if she was pregnant or not, we made eye contact, I didn't see a Baby on board badge. A minute later another woman asks loudly in my direction "Can any of you guys give your seat to this lady?!?". I stood up and offered my seat and said "Sorry I didn't realise...". As I stood up I saw her baby on board badge on the side of her chest...which wasn't visible from where I was sitting.
I was a bit mortified because I probably ended up looking like a selfish cow to everyone around me. These are strangers so I shouldn't really care as I won't see them again, but it annoyed me.
AIBU to think that if you're pregnant and want a seat, just ask?!
I've been pregnant, I've commuted, I've always just asked when I needed a seat. (sometimes I didn't mind standing up...)

OP posts:
Renaissance2017 · 16/03/2017 11:28

I've always offered my seat to pregnant women. However on more than one occasion I've been called a sexist . So you can't win!

mollyminniemo · 16/03/2017 11:30

point YOU ARE WEARING HEADPHONES!! How on earth is a woman meant to ask you????

Renaissance2017 · 16/03/2017 11:34

YOU ARE WEARING HEADPHONES

She's not wearing the headphones right now so no need to shout!

SuperFlyHigh · 16/03/2017 11:37

molly you can tap someone, make eye contact.

ZanyMobster · 16/03/2017 11:39

It definitely doesn't hurt to ask as people definitely wouldn't want to cause offence if someone wasn't actually pregnant. When I was heavily pregnant (absolutely no mistaking it) even after asking everyone refused to get up, one person did tell me they were getting off soon so I could have her seat then!!

pointstaken · 16/03/2017 11:40

YOU ARE WEARING HEADPHONES

Hmm

yes, headphones, not ear plugs, I can still hear you. Can't you hear your partner talking to you when you are watching tv?

SuperFlyHigh · 16/03/2017 11:40

points yes had all that the hole or sink hole at Forest Hill, a flood at Clapham junction, a fire at west Norwood etc! Such fun! Grin

molly most of us who aren't pregnant aren't bitches and do give up seats, I do wish you'd stop peddling this bizarre accusation that most of us never give up our seats, and for elderly, disabled etc people as well as pregnant women.

pointstaken · 16/03/2017 11:41

Renaissance thank you, you made me laugh Smile

GuinessPunch · 16/03/2017 11:49

I got on the jubilee line (London) the other day with my pram and baby in a sling. There were 2 men sitting in the priority seats and they kept their heads down. A woman with her child offered me her seat.

OliviaStabler · 16/03/2017 11:50

mollyminniemo I appreciate you disagree but I am not going to spend my commuting time looking up all the time for someone who can't ask for a seat. I also need to relax and wind down or gear up for my day. Surely as you have commuted regularly you'd know you can't see much past your own seat when its standing room only?

I have never seen any rudeness to anyone pregnant who asked for a seat and I have been commuting in London for 15 years. I am sorry if anyone has experienced this, as some have said, there is no excuse. I will happily stand for a pregnant woman or anyone who needs a seat but Bill Clinton could have sat next to me last night on my way home and I wouldn't have noticed. It's how I deal with the Tube. Please ask.

toomuchtooold · 16/03/2017 12:03

toomuchtoocold - come on that's a bit too much. You want people to notice and offer, but then you want them to be mind readers when you don't need a seat because you'd prefer to stand

Nope, I just wanted to be left alone. I never wanted to be offered a seat, but if I had wanted one I'd have asked. And I don't think it's a malaise, or particularly British (certainly the same when I've been commuting in Germany and Switzerland) to want peace on your way to work. Of course I just politely turned down the offers of seats, that's fine, but if there was a way to indicate that I didn't want one it would have saved the poor sod who offered it gathering up enough civil courage to interrupt my book and my music to offer it to me.

Personally I think the convention where we respect each other's headspace on busy commuter trains is quite nice, not a malaise, and also not particularly British (it's been exactly the same when I've commuted in Switzerland, Germany and Belgium).

meettherussians · 16/03/2017 12:25

Its a shame that while you of course needs a seat to "gear up for your day" you feel that lifting head and looking around actually requires so much effort you just cant bring yourselves to do it. I suspect you purposefully get lost in yourselves so you don't feel guilt tripped into giving up your seat if you clock someone who does actually need it. There are at least half a dozen women on this thread who have said they've been abused in response to asking for a seat while pregnant or disabled listing multiple examples, it (sadly) happened to me too.

So why you super and points feel the need to continuously deny this happens- are you actually accusing them of lying?- is just odd.

pointstaken · 16/03/2017 12:43

How do you know I don't need my seat?

I have commuted whilst pregnant, and the sickness was the main reason I couldn't stand up, I have commuted whilst recovering from surgery, I have commuted with an injured knee and crutches leaving me unable to stand. I get that sometimes you need to sit down.

You clearly do not commute yourself, if you don't understand why people try to pass the time as well as possible when they waste hours of their life in a packed train/tube. If you are grown up enough to travel on your own, you should be able to ask for a seat. No one denies there are rude individuals out there, but it's not true for the majority of commuters. Things seem worst on a bus than train or tube I give you that. I don't take the bus.

I am not guilty for a second for reading my book or being on my laptop. I would expect more rudeness for staring at strangers in the train than keeping my head on my book. You are being ridiculous if you expect other people to guess or assume your needs. You are more likely to be told off for offering a seat to a random woman nowadays than anything else.

Doyouwantabrew · 16/03/2017 12:43

I wouldn't expect anyone to give me a seat when I was pregnant as I was young fit and fine. I need a seat now I am less fit with a bad back.

Being pregnant doesn't trump everyone else really. I think wearing a badge is utterly knobbish and entitled to be honest.

pointstaken · 16/03/2017 12:46

a woman the other day was moaning that she was not offered a seat on the train whilst travelling with a buggy. Her 2 toddlers were safely and comfortably strapped in the buggy, why would she even need to seat instead of staying near them like any normal mother would do? If she desperately need to sit down, she should have asked. It's not that difficult. Commuters are not mind readers.

Polarbearflavour · 16/03/2017 12:52

Doyouwantabrew - so wearing a badge provided by Transport for London is "knobbish and entitled". Do you think people with invisible disabilities are "knobs" for wearing the new TFL "please offer me a seat" badge?

Great that you were "young, fit and fine" but not all pregnant ladies are! There are many reasons why a pregnant lady may need to sit down. Dizziness, nausea, fatigue, pain, other conditions they already have.

I have seen trains, tube trains and buses brake sharply many times. Why should a pregnant woman have to fall over?

The badges also generally make other travellers give you more space and not push into you. If there is an incident, the emergency services / rail staff can easily see you are pregnant.

BishopBrennansArse · 16/03/2017 12:54

Points that's very prejudiced towards people with social communication issues and those who have been abused for daring to ask...

Polarbearflavour · 16/03/2017 13:15

What about people who can't physically speak? I've read a lot about the new "please offer me a seat" badges and some people cannot physically speak due to a disability or illness or severe anxiety.

chloesmumtoo · 16/03/2017 13:24

I dont catch trains so not used to the system at all. Did not even realize there were badges Blush. However you did nothing wrong yummycake123 as you did not see the badge and it is sometimes wrong to assume someone is pregnant which could be super embarrassing. I think it sounds a great idea to wear a badge though so people can offer if they wish, I would have probably been to shy to ask people to give me their seat when young and pregnant. But then if your really struggling I suppose you'd have to ask. It takes all characters and I suppose the women which shouted out did solve the issue, although cringy, but alerted you and the pregnant one took the seat - so all in all problem solved. Very tricky especially when some pregnant women dont want seats and some do. But like others have said if you wear a badge you obviously want a seat.

pointstaken · 16/03/2017 13:56

Points that's very prejudiced towards people with social communication issues and those who have been abused for daring to ask...

Let's get the violins out, shall we? If it is really such an issue, alter your travel. Go to the beginning of the line, change your hours, take a different bus. There's absolutely no way I would have commuted during the last strikes at rush hour if I had been pregnant. The trains were so packed, (think 4 carriages instead of 12 in the one running train normally at full capacity on a normal day!), grown up people were in tears, people were pushing and fighting to squeeze in, it was horrendous. I am amazed no one got injured. The month compensation we got doesn't cover the horrendous journeys.

Be honest, if people are kind enough to give up their seat because they see a badge, they would likely give it if you ask. People make a mountain out of nothing

Hillarious · 16/03/2017 13:58

If you opt to sit in a priority seat, you ought to be a little more aware of the people around you, and should be the first to offer your seat if someone is in need. You should be the one looking to see if someone is giving you a "Mumsnet look" that everyone should be able to understand.

babybubblescomingsoon · 16/03/2017 14:28

YANBU OP. I know you're probably feeling horrifically embarrassed about it but honestly don't worry. As soon as you realised then you offered the seat to her and that's all that matters Flowers

SuperFlyHigh · 16/03/2017 15:19

meet no if I'm on a packed tube Half way down the carriage seated and there are people standing very crowded how do I expect to see each and every commuter.

Like points says if someone asks for a seat I'll give it up.

BishopBrennansArse · 16/03/2017 15:28

So that's twice you've dismissed my real life experience now and made me out to be a liar, that it doesn't matter.

Why is loved experience being dismissed?

SuperFlyHigh · 16/03/2017 15:46

Bishop I know your post not aimed at me but with DB's FIL being a paraplegic and in a wheelchair I know all about people moving or not on trains not that he uses them much!

I always move or would expect others to move on public transport for a wheelchair.

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