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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel heartbroken hurt

135 replies

yessir · 15/03/2017 19:15

Hope this is in the right place,
I am hurting really bad and don't know how to deal with my feelings or the best way to handle this.
I started a long distance relationship with a lovely sweet guy I met online.
We have known each other for 1 year now.
I have pushed away a partner of 30 years because I drifted from him and fell in love with this other guy.
I got my own place moved out and my long distance man comes every weekend to see me always respected him for that because he works 6 days a week and comes after work on the train.
I live for his visits cant get him out of my head.
If I get upset when he goes he reassures me he will keep coming.
During the week he texts me video calls me always saying he misses me loves me.
He has a friend who owns a takeaway who wants his help as friend has had to go away so my man is going straight from his day job to the takeaway even though he doesn't even know if friend is going to pay him anything obviously he wants him there Saturdays when he normally comes to me.
I feel so gutted that he has considered it over me but I haven't let him know my feelings I want to spill it out to him how its making me feel the friend will possibly be away for up to 6 weeks however he has been asking him to come and work there properly.
I know I probably need to get a life but I am feeling so unhappy and hurt I have tried and tried to accept in my head and get a life but still the hurt is there.
He didnt come Saturday gone I hated it he called me asking how I am that day when he was on his way to the takeaway to see how I was and I said I was sad he seemed a little surprised when I told him iyt was because he wasn't coming.
He said he would come now and forget the takeaway and I told him no carry on and we agreed for me to come to him next day.
He text me the next day asking how I was and asked if I had booked his train ticket for this Saturday and I said no and he said I will come.
I have been feeling like I am in his way and shouldn't cause him trouble like a hanger on desperate woman so said If he needs to go to the shop I will support him and come to him he said no I wanna see you so I said okay we will chat about it after.
Never did get the chance to chat has he is so busy.
Today I said let me know what you are going to do then and he replied saying I will let you know after.
I know I am giving mixed messages but I am bottling it all up.
I am churning up inside so much wanting him with me instead of that shop. He says his happy time is with me and he wants to meet me every week so I am trying to process why he cant just say no I am to see my woman.
Please help me get a grip how should I handle this.

OP posts:
Parker231 · 15/03/2017 20:00

If you carry on like this you will drive him away - he is entitled to do other things with his free time and see other friends. You're being controlling and obsessive - if he was on this site I'd recommend that he runs a mile.

wannabestressfree · 15/03/2017 20:00

Why can't you go and see him in the evenings?
It's only been six weeks and this is reading like a take a break story..... you are going to get very hurt.

TheNewSchmoo · 15/03/2017 20:00

That is extremeley needy and controlling. He's doing a good thing for his friend. If your relationship is worth anything it will be able to cope with reduced contact for six weeks.

Itsnotwhatitseems · 15/03/2017 20:04

what future plans have you made with this guy? I just wondered if you had thought that far. You ended a 30 year relationship for him, but in honesty that relationship cant have been right for you to end it, with or without new man.

Is it possible you could move closer to him? That way, having meals together during the week and other simple shared tasks can keep you closer. Or is the relationship not at that stage yet?

He sounds like he is very keen on you, with the videos and visits on his one day off, so hope this has a happy ending for you xx

Miserylovescompany2 · 15/03/2017 20:05

Could he be using the takeaway as an excuse? Sort of letting you down gently in a cowardly non confrontational way...so you get fed up of not knowing whether you are coming or going, you do the breaking up?

Personally, I'd be insisting on visiting him and offering my assistance at this takeaway. Just to alleviate some of the pressure. Then you'll know if its an excuse because if it is? He won't want you visiting and he'll keep putting off visiting you.

Itsnotwhatitseems · 15/03/2017 20:06

maybe you could plan a holiday together, a couple of weeks together in the sun could help, after the 6 weeks are up, something for you both to look forward to?

MsJamieFraser · 15/03/2017 20:08

I dont get the issue, the only thing that screams to me is that your coming across as very needy.

ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 15/03/2017 20:11

I don't mean to upset you, but is this a genuine post? The writing style of this whole post is very similar to one a couple of weeks ago where it was established the OP was a troll.

If I'm wrong, then I'm sorry.

Iamyourmotheryours · 15/03/2017 20:12

Tbh, to me most of his actions would be big red flags.

If you are keen to give this relationship a try, could you visit him during the week? Would that be an option? Perhaps plan a few days off during the 6 week period and go and see him, Visit his town at weekend then you could see him around his hours at the takeaway?

harrypotternerd · 15/03/2017 20:17

i think you need to take a step back from this relationship. You are coming across as obsessive and needy and that is really not a good thing. Surely you have some friends you can go and see while he is working? or a hobby to do?

Zoflorabore · 15/03/2017 20:19

Also meant in a kind way from me- you're going to drive him away.

Deadsouls · 15/03/2017 20:30

You wrote that you live for his visits and can't get him out of my mind
That's why I assumed that your life revolved around his visits and that you are feeling heartbroken that you can't see him on Saturdays.

RortyCrankle · 15/03/2017 20:33

I assume this is the same guy I recall you writing abut earlier in the month when you were checking on him on Whatsapp and querying why he would be using it in the middle of the night?

If he's helping out a good friend I think that's entirely reasonable. Is there anything to stop you travelling to him and spend time with him in the shop?

You sound completely reliant on him which is really not good. Perhaps you could go out with friends, find some new interests, anything so your whole life doesn't hang on him visiting you once a week like your life depended on it.

SmileEachDay · 15/03/2017 20:41

You book the tickets and he gives you cash? No paper trail for him...

You have never been to where he lives?

Limits the time he will see you with immovable things like work..,which you can't argue with..,

Are you SURE he's not in a relationship with someone else?

yessir · 15/03/2017 21:33

I have seen him on camera in the shop

OP posts:
yessir · 15/03/2017 21:34

I mean on video call

OP posts:
WannaBe · 15/03/2017 21:35

OP, I am in a LDR with someone who lives 120 miles away, and who travels to see me at weekends (he books his own train tickets though!).

Like your BF, my DP does all the travelling because he lives in a house share during the week, and I have a fourteen year old who lives with me more or less full-time, so me going to stay with him is less practical.

But there are several things on both sides which stand out for me:

Firstly, you say you live for his visits. What do you do during the week then? Do you work? Have hobbies? Friends? Or have you become isolated due to coming out of one relationship straight into another? Isolation is a very easy trap to fall into. Been there, done that. I'm currently unemployed and will admit that there have been times where I've realised that I've not been as productive during the week as I should be, and before I know it the weekend is here again. And that's not a good place to be. You need to find something else to occupy your time because there will be times when you don't see each other due to illness, other commitments etc and then you'll be lost.

Secondly you say that he should be putting you ahead of this takeaway. Have to say I do and don't agree on this front. If it was just a weekend I would say absolutely that you were overreacting because you will see him again next weekend, but if you've been seeing each other regularly every weekend for the past year and he's suddenly stated that he's not going to see you for at least the next six weeks that would ring alarm bells for me. Not because he owes you the commitment, but because it seems that the regular travelling has become too much and it appears that he's taking on this takeaway by means of getting a break.

Clearly he's a decent bloke if he's prepared to help out a friend, however if he's putting his relationship on the back burner in order to do so I'd suggest that the relationship is about to run its course and you need to look at moving on.

My DP has spent nights away when he would ordinarily be with me, works do's, seeing friends who were over from abroad and only around at the weekend, and going to see a friend who we normally see a couple of times a year but I was seriously ill and wasn't sure if I would be able to travel at that point. If I'd told him he should be putting me first he would be questioning my insecurities. As it happened I did miss him terribly. When you're used to seeing someone at certain times it does notice if they're not there. But that doesn't mean they should be, iyswim.

However if he announced out of the blue that he wouldn't be coming down for another six weeks and had made no suggestion about me going there or us being able to see each other somehow I would be questioning whether he was having second thoughts about us.

So you need to stop panicking and start being practical. Ask him outright whether he's having doubts. Don't cry, don't beg, it's very demeaning. But do ask for honest answers, and be prepared to walk away.

yessir · 15/03/2017 21:36

I have also been to his a few times

OP posts:
GirlnamedMax · 15/03/2017 21:42

OP are you even reading what others have said?

Your responses are baffling Confused

Get a fucking grip.

yessir · 15/03/2017 21:46

what I don't understand is how he can still be saying he loves me and misses me even now if the relationship is running its cause

OP posts:
yessir · 15/03/2017 21:47

Go away girl take your ugly responses to another thread

OP posts:
ArchNotImpudent · 15/03/2017 21:52

See how things are when the takeaway stint is over, OP, and in the meantime, as pps have suggested, try to busy yourself with other things so your partner isn't the sole thing you're thinking about.

msgrinch · 15/03/2017 21:52

No sorry girlnamedmax has a valid point. Don't dismiss it, like others posts, because you can't deal with it. You may have posted the thread but its an open forum.

yessir · 15/03/2017 21:57

mmm depends how the point is put across

OP posts:
msgrinch · 15/03/2017 21:59

Dont post in aibu if you dont want people to tell you that you are. Post in relationships etc.