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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To base a half a million house purchase on what my 7 year old wants?

160 replies

Batwomanrisesagain · 13/03/2017 19:40

We live in a new build property which is lovely, loads of other kids around, lots of green space. However all very 'on top of each other' and can feel a bit like being back at school with petty neighbour disputes that belong in the playground. I crave solitude as a result of said disputes but equally am very outgoing and sociable and on the whole enjoy the community feel.
I'm also keen on moving up the property ladder should the right house arrive. And it has, beautiful big old cottage with lots of land. No neighbours, beautiful house.
My child is distraught that their friends won't be around, it really is lovely how everyone plays out together. I'm seriously considering pulling out of the purchase as I think my child may have a point about being isolated.
Has anyone been in a similar position or live without neighbours? Or am I being ridiculous letting a young child decide our future?

OP posts:

20Lennox · 15/03/2017 10:32

How about setting your sights on a holiday house somewhere? Then you get the best of both worlds. Kids will love going away at weekends etc later on they will invite their pals. But they still live in your current great location with plenty of friends and you don't spend your evenings as a taxi.

Blobby10 · 15/03/2017 11:11

We moved to a big house in an isolated village and the kids hated it - they were young -mid teenagers and we had to ferry them everywhere! However one of the reasons we moved was because they didn't play out with friends in the large village we were in so we thought we would be no worse off!

Take into account the lack of independence your child could have if you are in a more isolated spot - no 'please go to the shop and get a pint of milk' if you have to drive 3 miles to the nearest shop!!

I'm now living on a big estate in a large town and love the fact that I can walk half a mile to the supermarket. I can walk back from a night out and the kids love it.

Big houses are lovely in principal (it was my aim too) but in reality there are lots of other things to consider these days and, knowing what I know now, I wouldn't go for isolation again.

dansmum · 15/03/2017 17:36

you can make it work by having a zillion playdates for new and old pals in the lovely big garden in your forever home. He spends all day at school with them...he won't be lonely !! Yes it takes work making it work in the sticks, but it IS worth it. Make sure it is not YOU who is too isolated tho...look out for opportunities for you too.
He can use social media to keep in touch too- they all do, so rest assured- he'll be fine ! Theres always scouts/youth club/church groups/young farmers/ gymnastics/swimming clubs/ summer playschemes etc etc too !

Astoria7974 · 15/03/2017 17:39

I personally wouldn't take the child's opinions in this. You are the adult. You know best. Childhood friends are often temporary so you shouldn't lose out on a great forever home over it.

BertrandRussell · 15/03/2017 17:39

We live very rurally. It's lovely, but if I had my time over again I wouldn't.

As the children get older you end up just being an on call taxi service.

Don't move. Honestly. You will regret it.

Marymoosmum14 · 15/03/2017 17:43

Surely he can invite his friends over to play at the new house.

HollyWollyDooDah · 15/03/2017 17:45

We are just about to move into a new house with land in the middle of nowhere and although dd has said she doesn't want to move once she's there she'll love it. Plus I said once we move we can finally have people and her friends round to stay etc
It's difficult on a day to day basis but if you plan to have animals by the time you've picked up from school and sorted the animals and tea it'll be time for bed. Involve her as much as possible but you have to be a bit selfish sometimes and youll always regret it if you don't go for it
Good luck :)

doublesnap · 15/03/2017 17:49

There is no way I'd do it, playing out is such an important thing.

BertrandRussell · 15/03/2017 17:50

"Surely he can invite his friends over to play at the new house."

Ho do they get there and back? What about parties when he gets older?

Don't do it!

DagenhamRoundhouse · 15/03/2017 17:52

Who's in charge of the money here, you or them?! And don't forget, one day they will grow up and move away.

pollyglot · 15/03/2017 17:53

I would much rather have a small house and no mortgage. Climbing the property ladder has no attraction for me. I f you can afford it, why not invest the dosh in a buy-to-let that will give you a nice income/nest egg in your retirement, and an inheritance for your children?

Booboo66 · 15/03/2017 17:53

We moved to an isolated house in the middle of nowhere when I was 7, I hated it. My brother and sister were substantially older so weren't good company for me and I was extremely lonely despite my parents making a massive effort for friends to come, mostly in week nights while everyone else was playing out I was at home alone as it was quite tricky to juggle especially in winter. I came from living in a row of cottages that all had children so we played to that and I was always out on the garden alone after we moved! In my teens my parents spent their lives being a taxi but I still missed out on the social hour after school before dinner etc. I have consciously moved to a cul de sac in the suburbs of the city because of this for my children to grow up. I think it still affects me now to be honest as all the kids that hung out together are still very close as adults. I had good friends but nowhere i specifically belonged and always felt on the outside of groups due to them having the extra time. I also went to a primary school quite far out of catchment though that didn't help! Maybe move but find somewhere with at least a handful of other children!

RedastheRose · 15/03/2017 18:07

If your child is young enough to play out then I would stay where you are tbh. It is very isolating for a child to not be able to join in with evenings playing out as a group and having friends over is not an option every night. My younger daughter really missed out on this when my exh insisted on buying a status house off an estate.

MycatsaPirate · 15/03/2017 18:11

I moved 450 miles when my dc were 13 and 6 from a very busy inner city to a village on the south coast. It took some adjusting. But the difference is that they couldn't 'play out' where we lived before and they could here.

My kids are 18 and 11 now, my youngest has way more freedom than her older sister did at that age purely because we live in a place where playing out is what everyone does, there are local parks they can walk to together and it's a lovely family community.

I would love to live in the arse of nowhere. But I wouldn't do it while my DD is still so young. Maybe when they have both finally left home but for now, I'm happy with the middle ground.

Daydream007 · 15/03/2017 18:12

It's lovely for children to be able to play out with neighbours and call them as and when. In an isolated are they miss out on that

MirandaGoshawk · 15/03/2017 18:13

I could've written your post, OP. We had a newbuild house in a cul-de-sac in a village. All on top of each other - I could hear my neighbour's conversations, etc. But all the kids played outside & I could just open the door and let them play. But the local secondary was a horror so we moved to be near a good one, to the middle of nowhere. My DD especially missed her friends & there just wasn't that 'let's see who's around' thing after school. Plus, as people said, there was a fair bit of driving them about because no bus.
Then recently we moved to another village. Stuff going on. Train service. Brilliant.
In your situation I would try to find a compromise. Is there a nice house that's a short walk from your current one? As to the size of house/moving up - you'll always expand to fit a larger house, I think. Declutter!

MirandaGoshawk · 15/03/2017 18:17

Oh and no, you're not being ridiculous to consider your DD's needs. We once pulled out of a lovely house because it wasn't suitable for the dog! That is, I would've always had to drive so he could be exercised. So it was the lifestyle I didn't want.

mummyof3kids · 15/03/2017 18:19

Would your funds stretch to purchasing a holiday home in rural or seaside location. You could rent out as holiday let and food investment for the future. You can use it when you want and have a frequent escape for when you need it.

DawnSharpe · 15/03/2017 18:24

Just to say you really don't want a teenager in rural isolation otherwise you'll never be home to enjoy it - you'll be driving them around and/or having them moping around the house with only virtual friends!

Middleagedmumoftwo · 15/03/2017 18:24

Life really isn't all about having the biggest house (and the biggest mortgage) you can afford. We have always chosen experiences over the house (holidays, trips out etc) while the kids were growing up and I don't regret it for a minute. Our mortgage was paid off by the time we were 45 as well which is a bonus. I would definitely be taking your child's needs into account, at the end of the day if they are happy, you'll be happy.

PeachyImpeachment · 15/03/2017 18:29

All our housing decisions have been around children - have we live in a not very attractive house that is practical. I would think hard.

lazydog · 15/03/2017 18:32

Don't do it!! We've just done the exact opposite move and it was a great decision. We lived remote rurally when the kids were little (on 8 acres, and 10 minutes drive from the nearest village) and it was idyllic, but as they got older, more social and into more after school sports clubs, etc., I found I was often doing that 20 minute round trip 3 or 4 times a day.

We moved into the village and they're SO much happier. My car rarely moves. We've actually got a bit of disposable income now, whereas before we were stretched to the limit. The house we're in is newer, bigger inside and needs far less upkeep.

I do miss the privacy, and I could imagine I'd be really regretting the move if we had awful neighbours, but thankfully ours are lovely.

ALittleMop · 15/03/2017 18:33

you cannot put a price on children being able to play out/go out/do stuff on their own imo, especially if they are an only

rural nothingness is lovely until you have a pre-teen. when our kids were little used to spend lots of time in a gorgeous little hamlet with a castle, a village green, a pub and a post office. bliss. etched with a penknife into the wooden bus shelter (two buses per day to small and scary town) "name of place is fucking shit".

your kid has a point. move when they leave home.

mumof3boys33 · 15/03/2017 18:50

I haven't read all posts so sorry if I'm repeating. We live in a slightly rural place. We are 3 miles from the centre of the village. 3 miles from the nearest town (different direction to the village) we don't have immediate neighbours but neighbours are dotted along the road a few mins walk apart.
Most of the locals along our road have grown up children, or are retired, though the next 2 houses have children ages 1 and 3 (mine are 8.13, 15) So my boys have no one locally to play with. When they were younger they didn't know any different. The older 2 have stayed with friends in local villages and loved being able to walk to the shop, knock on other friends doors and go to the park with a ball etc.
We can't do any of that from home. We might be moving later this year, i would never want to live in a town, but closer to a village is definitely a priority.

BunsyGirl · 15/03/2017 18:57

We were in the same position but found the perfect compromise, a large new build with traditional features (high ceilings, large garden etc) in a rural location but on a very select development of nine houses. We have lovely neighbours, some with young children, but they are not on top of us and we have woodland behind us so are not overlooked. It was a difficult search but I am very happy we didn't go for a more isolated house. We love our little community.

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