Disappointed with boyfriend's proposal

[FeelingAshamedAgain]

I should feel so happy and lucky right now, but instead I feel really guilty and ashamed of myself, and very ungrateful.

My boyfriend proposed when we were visiting my parents, on a really busy day when we had lots to do so we didn't really have time to enjoy the moment.

This would be okay, except I know that when he proposed to his ex, he arranged a special day with lots of surprises, had a ring specially designed for her, and whisked her away on a glamorous holiday for a week to celebrate.

I feel so sad because he told me months ago, when we discussed getting married, that he wanted to propose to me properly. So because he'd been so romantic with his ex, I thought he would make it lovely for me too, except in a different way, of course. (NB she ended up splitting up with him before they got married; he's still not entirely sure why).

Don't get me wrong - this isn't about money. I didn't expect a holiday, or a bespoke ring or anything, we have more important things to spend our money on, but even a night away in a hotel somewhere, or candles or something . . . just SOMETHING to show that he'd planned it and thought about it.

I feel second-best; like he loves me less than his ex. I'm worried that he isn't motivated to be romantic or do special things for me, whereas with previous girlfriends he seems to have been very thoughtful and sweet.

Yes, I feel lucky that this man loves me enough to want to marry me . . . but I'm disappointed that he didn't make more of an effort with the proposal. I'm going to try to put it behind me because I know it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things . . . it just hurts a little!

I totally understand how you feel, if you know how he did it previously it's not a huge leap to expect that he would do something similarly thoughtful for you. However, the fact that he asked you when your family were around shows that he wants to be part of that family, which is priceless.

My partner and I were talking about it this week and he said "we should just get on with it shouldn't we. That's not a proposal by the way!" but to be honest, I'd be ok with that as a proposal, rather than talking about it and then having to try and forget about it until he sees fit to bring it up again!

I'd rather it was just a discussion that happened between us when we were both ready, rather than a one-sided 'me waiting to be asked, him trying to find the perfect time and choosing a ring I'll wear everyday without my input' kind of affair!

When they've been through these things before it's hard to feel special - I know that my partner loved someone else enough to get engaged and have two children with her. That's not going away, and I have to accept that I also married someone else, had kids and lived with him for most of my adult life so far. That doesn't diminish how I feel about my current partner. But it does take some emotional wrangling to be ok with it, doesn't it?

Hmm the update about him not following through with big hints and promises doesn't sound great. Next time something like that happens I would point it out and say "actually it's really disappointing when you build me up to expect something and don't follow through." I've had to have this conversation with my DP. He's better now at keeping me in the loop with potential or possible visits and realises that hints and suggestions are just disappointing. As Yoda says "Either do or do not, there is no try"

I also really want to know how on earth you know so much about his first proposal. That’s a bit odd. Did he tell you??

My now DH had also got engaged before me (like with your partner it never ended in marriage as she ended it). I have absolutely no idea how he proposed or anything! We even still have the ring in our house because he never got round to taking it back! (I think we are going to flog it if things get tight).

I do understand feeling a bit disappointed as it wasn’t how you had imagined. My proposal was lovely and I look back on it very fondly BUT you are focusing on the wrong thing I think.
Although I definitely think you need to press him on the weekend away gift – that would annoy me!!

Jackiebrambles, he mentioned the previous proposal in the context of holidays - I asked him if he'd ever been to a certain place, and he said yes, that was part of how he proposed to his ex, that he planned a day for her and then that trip was the final surprise. He mentioned the ring he'd had designed and made for her in another conversation - I was talking about selling some jewellery that I never wear, and he said it might not be worth it as you don't get anywhere near the value, as he discovered when he tried to sell the engagement ring (I'd thought the shop might buy it back or something). To be clear, neither of these were difficult conversations. And actually it made me happy that he was so romantic and planned these lovely things!

Yeah, I think I'm going to push for my Christmas pressie again - will pin him down when I get home from work later, ask when I should put something in the calendar because we're going to be busy over the next few weeks

TheShoeLady - "emotional wrangling" - exactly! The battle for supremacy between what you feel, how you should feel, and what you want to feel

Definitely do not marry him - he does not deserve to have a wife who will be carping and finding fault about such little things!

Look - he did the sweep her off her feet thing before and it got him nowhere. Be happy with what you have or walk away now.

As others have said, these flamboyant proposals can be shallow fripperies hiding a weak relationship.

Please please, do not spend your married life finding fault with him over these things - sometimes I think that we expect too much now in the way of marking events and making a big song and dance - what really matters is that you love and respect each other.

And....he does not know your unwritten and unspoken rules for Valentines, birthdays, anniversaries etc., so you must cut him a bit of slack. My OH is not one for romantic gestures, but he is loyal and kind - I value these things much more.

Hi blossomdeary - I know it's becoming a long thread, but if you have a look at my updates, you'll see that flamboyant and showy was the last thing I'd ever hope for, and far from carping on at him, I've been trying to resolve it internally before deciding whether or not to talk it over with him.

If you think it is going to be a running sore, then by all means talk it over with him; but, take heed, he will feel anxious about every other occasion/anniversary from then on in case he does not get it right. That is no way to live.

His first proposal was "flamboyant and showy" and it is that you are using as a comparison and which is the cause of your concern.

These things are of the least importance in sound long relationships.

Hi Blossomdeary - yes, I understand your point, but I'm not sure I agree that the first proposal was "flamboyant and showy" as such, because it was just the two of them together, no-one else was around and they were able to spend an evening together before they went off on their trip. I guess it was flamboyant in terms of expense, but again, it's not about money for me (I earn three times what he does so it's me that pays for holidays, treats etc.)

I think what I'm really envious of is the attention to detail and planning he put into the first proposal, and the fact that it was intimate and just the two of them. I mean, he didn't even warn my parents that he was going to do it, so they were taken-aback and probably would have bought a bottle of champagne to celebrate if they'd known in advance, and rearranged the rather mundane plans that had been made!

Also - I just came on here to kind-of emotionally-vent and work my way through it, as I want to process it as a minor disappointment and put it away. I'm not going to hold it against him forever, not at all. It's not a damning indictment of our relationship as a whole, that something has happened to upset or disappoint one of us. Surely no relationship or person is perfect or reasonable and rational at all times . . . ?

So, I've had my outpouring, and I'll concentrate all my energies into planning our future together :-)

OP I totally understand how you feel.

My DP was engaged to someone else before we met. He never told me as it never came up and he felt it wasn't relevant. His sister too great pleasure in ruining my birthday by telling me about the engagement. It was awful and the knowledge has caused some problems, especially as he has not proposed to me.

Early on I sometimes felt as you did, like he'd done it before as it wasn't as exciting the first time. Thankfully that feeling fades as do other "firsts" together.

The Christmas gift is almost unforgivable but don't be a martyr and tell your self to forget about it. I'd lay out your feelings like you did here, that it makes you feel like he doesn't really care when he promises things and doesn't follow through.

Quite right - congratulations and good luck!

Also I think your family ruined the proposal not him. As someone else said above why did you have to rush off? Couldn't that have been rescheduled and some could have got some bubbly?

FairiesAlwaysWearBlue - wow, I feel for you. I'd hate to find out about a previous engagement like that. We're all old enough and mature enough to understand and acknowledge previous loves but that's dependent on being open and honest. I reckon he definitely should have told you - not as A Big Issue but just as part of his past and his life story.

Have you been together long? Do you talk about the future?

And my poor mum and dad were a bit shocked, I think - in hindsight they absolutely would have done things differently, we were all just surprised and possibly not thinking straight! Comes back to my issue with lack of planning/thought/consideration.

Fairies - How on earth are you getting that the OP's family ruined the proposal???
The OP and her now fiancé were visiting her parents and they were on their way out and it was at that point that the new fiancé decided that it was a good time to propose.

I get what you're talking about OP.

Btw, I was proposed to 15 seconds after our son was born by c-section while in the delivery room with all of the surgical staff and anaesthetist and nurses around. Don't think that the surgeon had closed the incision at that point! It happens in lots of different ways. Had your fiancé not mentioned at all what he had done in the past, you would be none the wiser and it wouldn't even register as a low key proposal to you, because it was yours. I get what you're saying though.

Thanks @FeelingAshamedAgain . It was horrible. She was drunk and her marriage was breaking up and she really enjoyed telling me about it. Then about a year later, when it was just the two of us again she told me more about it. She likes hurting her brother and me if she can't get to him. Families aren't always great.

He should have told me, he admits but he hates talking about her. It's all bad memories, especially the end which oddly enough includes the engagement. It wasn't a particularly healthy relationship.

We bought a flat and are planning a baby next year just not ring on the horizon. I think he associates it with bad times, he says no we just have other things going on, the truth is probably somewhere in the middle.

@WhatchaMaCalllit Ok maybe you are right but my family would have reacted happily with brought bubbly even if they were taken by surprise. So they could have reacted better and the fiancé could have done better planning and told them in advance, in particular if he'd been dropping hints for a year. He stepped on the ball there.

OP - have an engagement party with your friends and family then you can have a special celebration that's just yours

I was ready to join the chorus of fancy proposals being supremely unimportant in the scheme of things (mine, such as it was, was on the sofa at home), but actually nothing you're saying here makes this sound like a match made in heaven.

Your parents were shocked - why, if he'd asked your dad a couple of months earlier? Did they assume it was going to be another of his vague promises that somehow never quite gets delivered on? Like your Christmas present weekend away?

You must have known it wasn't going to be holidays and custom rings if you earn the money - are you OK with that? It's not wrong to want a partner who is your financial equal, or one who makes up for a lack of money with kindness and consideration, seems like you have neither.

You sound like you're desperately trying to convince yourself, and frankly, you shouldn't need convincing. You should have no doubt at all about whether he values you as much as his ex - his every day actions should be demonstrating that to you every single day. If they aren't, don't marry him.

Have you any actual proof that any of the romantic proposal actually took place? It could all be an elaborate story he likes to tell. I say this as none of his actions towards you back up his over the top gestures side.

I think he thought over it and decided to propose in front of your family. To him, it was probably something that would be most important to you. In a way, your family are now his most important people. That's what his way of proposing looks to me.
FWIW, me and DH got together after an abrupt, quick, very businesslike proposal from him compared to my ex who I kicked. He did the whole romance thing but it didn't matter in the end because he was a twat.

By way of update - we had a talk last night; it felt good to be open and honest with him and we discussed/resolved a few things. I understand why he did things the way he did, and the good intentions behind it, and he understands why I felt a bit disappointed and confused (and also that I'm ashamed of myself for feeling that way).

I mean, there was arguing and a few tears, it wasn't all nicey-nice, but we got there in the end!

We're putting it behind us now, and looking forward to planning the wedding and our life together. Our weekend away is sorted too, which is a bonus

Glad to hear that you're feeling better about things. Enjoy your weekend away!

If you wanted a proposal to be a certain way, you could, of course, have asked him so that it was precisely the sort of situation you wanted...

From your updates I think deep down you don't feel this is going to work. Not sorting out your Christmas present is pretty shit and whilst you earn more money than him being kind and thoughtful cost nothing. Do you really want to be with someone who doesn't consider your feelings when he builds you up and does not deliver, that's cruel. I do wonder whether he did it in front of your parents so he couldn't back out? I don't think showy proposals are worth the FB space they appear on but an intimate dinner at home could be really romantic and wouldn't cost loads of money.

Personally I would proceed with caution.

If you are really that superficial to care about the style of your proposal why didn't you propose to your DH to be? If i had gone to the effort of asking permission, getting a ring and having the guts to ask someone to spend the rest of their life with me I'd be pissed off they were then moaning about it

Baffled about people getting upset about this type of thing. Honestly it sounds bizarre in 2017.

Why didn't you just propose to him and sort a massive PR stunt? confused]

I would be irritated by the unfulfilled promises, makes him sound like a bit of dope. Does all this talk and no action extend beyond proposals, birthdays and Christmas and into day to day life? Will he commit to tasks and then let you down? I can't abide flaky people who say they are going to do something and then don't bother.