Disappointed with boyfriend's proposal

[FeelingAshamedAgain]

I should feel so happy and lucky right now, but instead I feel really guilty and ashamed of myself, and very ungrateful.

My boyfriend proposed when we were visiting my parents, on a really busy day when we had lots to do so we didn't really have time to enjoy the moment.

This would be okay, except I know that when he proposed to his ex, he arranged a special day with lots of surprises, had a ring specially designed for her, and whisked her away on a glamorous holiday for a week to celebrate.

I feel so sad because he told me months ago, when we discussed getting married, that he wanted to propose to me properly. So because he'd been so romantic with his ex, I thought he would make it lovely for me too, except in a different way, of course. (NB she ended up splitting up with him before they got married; he's still not entirely sure why).

Don't get me wrong - this isn't about money. I didn't expect a holiday, or a bespoke ring or anything, we have more important things to spend our money on, but even a night away in a hotel somewhere, or candles or something . . . just SOMETHING to show that he'd planned it and thought about it.

I feel second-best; like he loves me less than his ex. I'm worried that he isn't motivated to be romantic or do special things for me, whereas with previous girlfriends he seems to have been very thoughtful and sweet.

Yes, I feel lucky that this man loves me enough to want to marry me . . . but I'm disappointed that he didn't make more of an effort with the proposal. I'm going to try to put it behind me because I know it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things . . . it just hurts a little!

He proposed in front of your family?! Woah, that takes guts.

It sounds like he wanted to make your proposal more about you, your family...ya know, important things. Rather than the engagement ring and a holiday.

If he didn't marry his first fiance then it didn't work out - there are reasons why. Maybe he bought her the fancy ring and went on holiday not because he loved her more than you, but because he was trying to fill a gap or make things work when they weren't working.

But really, I think it's better to just accept that your fiance has loved other people in the past. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you now.

Your engagement sounds very intimate, very personal. You should be happy right now, like you say.

Also, imagine how you'd feel if he'd done exactly what he did for her? You'd probably think he was trying to recreate the past, and his old relationship with her. He's done something different because the old engagement was in the past and he probably doesn't want any association with it.

He sounds absolutely lovely. He didn't get your hopes up and then quash them...he probably thought that the engagement would be special to you. It's a shame you wanted the flashy stuff to be honest. (Sorry).

I can understand why he didn't go all out like he did before...it didn't work last time. I think perhaps he doesn't think he needed to because he thinks your relationship and love for each other is more genuine than before and didn't need a big cheesy show about it.

I can understand why you would compare and feel a bit disappointed though. Try to remember that it's not the proposal that's important or even the wedding, it's the marriage that counts. I didn't get a big romantic proposal or wedding but I do have a fantastic marriage.
I f you really think he's the man you should marry then try to move forward from this quickly.

Do you feel like he loves you less because of the proposal or because of other things too? It's a very strong and pretty worrying statement to make.

I'm not surprised that he wants to do things differently considering how things turned out with his ex. As far as I can tell he has done more than many people would (although I think many would hate the asking of your father's permission and proposing in front of your family) but even if he didn't surely the proposal is not important? You sound very young.

My DH didn't do the magical proposal and I was peeved. Not overly just a little.

Until a colleague's boyfriend did such a spectacular proposal it made the papers. There were limousines and fireworks though a few years ago now I can't remember all the details. Made me shudder and happy with the way DH went about it.

It must have taken guts to propose in front of your family, I think it was a very sweet idea

If I were you I'd just focus on making the wedding and honeymoon amazing, those are the things you'll look back on for the rest of your life. Congratulations!

DH and I just discussed marriage and bought a ring, no proposal as such. He got down on one knee in my bedroom but it seemed a bit odd. He'd already done a big proposal with a big ring for his ex. I had a tiny ring (wanted a real diamond and that was all we could afford). I guess there was a bit of disappointment at the time not to have an actual special event to remember, not a big show but an actual event where I can go, 'oh remember we had that lovely meal and you proposed'... kind of thing.

I guess, 17 years later, the proposal is long forgotten, we've been married 16 years and have children, we've shared so many things together that I'd forgotten all about the ex's proposal until this thread.

What I'm saying is, I understand the disappointment, but in the many years you hopefully have ahead of you, it won't always feel like that.

He asked your dad's permission?

What the hell does your dad have to do with it??

I do understand all the points that have been made - I really do. But, I had hoped for "intimate and meaningful" - NOT public or flashy.

I think people are assuming I wanted a massive production - not at all, I knew that he couldn't/wouldn't/shouldn't do anything like the previous proposal. Just a moment where we were looking at each other, concentrating on each other, and maybe an evening spent together being excited and chatting about the possibilities and future ahead of us. In spite of the fact that some of my family were there, it wasn't like that at all - more like a "okay, I love you, and I want to marry you" and then we all kind-of laughed, quite shocked and taken-aback, I said "yes of course" and then because it was such a non-event we all just carried on doing what we'd been doing, rushing out the door soon after to go to a neighbour's house!

BUT . . . I think I'm moving on now; it's bothering me less as the days pass.

Still want my goddamn Christmas-present weekend away though . . . ;-)

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross - I know, it's an outdated tradition and little more than a courtesy these days, but my dad was chuffed.

OP I get what you'really saying. Especially since your update - he'said dropped hints about something being afoot or being planned, and then nothing'short happened. He'said given you an Xmas present that he hasn'the actually carried through. I would be disappointed too in your shoes.

Mmm I think you are being way less unreasonable than I originally thought too!

I was all set to tell you how low key my fiancé was in his proposal, and that you were focusing on the wrong thing.

But not after that update.

Do you want to be one of the mums on here in a few years time saying "he doesn't even buy me a birthday card, and all I want is a little bunch of flowers 'from the kids' on Mothers Day"

Do not marry him until you both understand each other's needs and can 100% live with meeting them or going without them.

Look up "5 love languages" on ways people like to show love, and have it shown to them.

I know that marrying someone who was all mouth about a Christmas present romantic weekend away but shied away from actually DOING it, would lead to irritation and resentment.

You really need to sort that out.

I told my DH he wasn't to ask my dad. I'm not anyone's property. My sister's fiance asked my dad though. Horses for courses.

Anyway, since your update I can see why you were disappointed. That does sound crap! But to be honest I think your family were a bit responsible for ruining the occasion. They could have done a bit more to celebrate instead of it being a non-event. I bet your fiance was hoping they would be a bit more enthusiastic. Maybe go out and get a bottle of champagne from the shop. Phone the friends up and say we'll be late, they;ve just got engaged, and then made a song and dance of the pair of you. That's what I would have done anyway.

I don't think it's your fiance's fault and I bet if you mentioned it to him, he'd probably tell you he was a bit disappointed too.

I'm with op. Why shouldn't op feel miffed that her do put no romance or meaningful gesture into the proposal? If sone posters don't like/didn't want a romantic proposal that's up to them but that doesn't mean op is being picky.

Also it doesn't have to be a grand proposal, just a bit of romance to make it memorable. Nothing wrong with a bit of romance, it's a huge occasion in life.

Although I can see from your update why you were disappointed with the proposal, I think I would be much more disappointed about him asking my father's permission. As a tradition, I think it is quite disrespectful towards women as it suggests that they are men's property and it's also quite presumptuous.

DH just proposed to me sat on the bed with the ring when I got home from work. I did say at a later date that I wished there was a bit more but was happy with us would take any proposal from him but it's only because I regularly do little things for him or spoil him and it doesn't really happen the other way as he gets worried about whether I will like things or not as I get anxiety sometimes.

It's just a bit meh when people used to ask how he proposed and then just look blank when I said as it just reminded me a bit but we have a wonderful marriage and that's what matters and now I don't care about that as I nailed the wedding 😂

Forgot to say but at least you can say that he proposed in front of your family which is a better story than mine 😁

How do you know the ins and outs of how he proposed to his first wife?

I can see from your update why you're disappointed. He seems to promise but doesn't follow through.

Have you asked him where your Christmas present is recently? As a pp said, don't be one of those people who spends years being disappointed with birthday and Christmas presents and waiting for something that never materialises.

I really don't see the problem. He loves you and asked you to marry him.
My now dh proposed to me after we'd been arguing. We'd had a row earlier in the evening about something (nothing major really), and we'd since sorted it and we're trying to enjoy the evening.
It was the early hours of the morning, we were both tired, and we were at home, I had my comfy indoor clothes on. And he got down on 1 knee and simply said, will you marry me? And I said yes.
I'd hate to be in a public place, with loads of people around. I always said I never wanted a big fuss or anything like that. I'm so glad it was just the 2 of us. It meant the moment was just ours, and we could keep in to ourselves for a bit.

My husband told me he'd propose to me on top of a mountain( we like doing via ferrata).
We were shagging in the tent and it broke. We fixed it . He proposed then because he realised that we worked as a team not just a couple.
Not stereotypically romantic but it was about us and not what everyone believes a proposal should be.

I don't get all this proposing to propose that some people seem to do. If someone tells you that they are "planning" to propose and you have indicated that you intend to accept then the deal is done.

I do understand OP. You feel a wee bit let down. Especially with how he did it before and all his carefully dropped hints - it was an anticlimax. Not that it wasn't what you wanted, and not that you don't love him, just that you'd built up in your head what he was likely to do - and he did none of it.

My ex carefully chose an antique ring he knew I'd love, wrote me a personalised proposal poem saying how special I was, took me to a place that meant a lot to both of us... and a few short years later was telling me that he'd never loved me and we'd got married 'because that's what you do'. So it's not the proposal, it's what comes after that matters.

But feel free to be peeved. Just don't tell him you are. Maybe carefully mention that he took you by surprise because, what with his history, you'd expected something...else.

YABU. I hope the poor man knows what he's getting himself into. Clearly nothing will ever be good enough for you.