Disappointed with boyfriend's proposal

[FeelingAshamedAgain]

I should feel so happy and lucky right now, but instead I feel really guilty and ashamed of myself, and very ungrateful.

My boyfriend proposed when we were visiting my parents, on a really busy day when we had lots to do so we didn't really have time to enjoy the moment.

This would be okay, except I know that when he proposed to his ex, he arranged a special day with lots of surprises, had a ring specially designed for her, and whisked her away on a glamorous holiday for a week to celebrate.

I feel so sad because he told me months ago, when we discussed getting married, that he wanted to propose to me properly. So because he'd been so romantic with his ex, I thought he would make it lovely for me too, except in a different way, of course. (NB she ended up splitting up with him before they got married; he's still not entirely sure why).

Don't get me wrong - this isn't about money. I didn't expect a holiday, or a bespoke ring or anything, we have more important things to spend our money on, but even a night away in a hotel somewhere, or candles or something . . . just SOMETHING to show that he'd planned it and thought about it.

I feel second-best; like he loves me less than his ex. I'm worried that he isn't motivated to be romantic or do special things for me, whereas with previous girlfriends he seems to have been very thoughtful and sweet.

Yes, I feel lucky that this man loves me enough to want to marry me . . . but I'm disappointed that he didn't make more of an effort with the proposal. I'm going to try to put it behind me because I know it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things . . . it just hurts a little!

I think if I'd just proposed to someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and they were moaning about how I done it, I'd be fucked off to say the least

Me too.

I want to see the ring.

My dh once wrote a song for his ex. It was a drippy, sloppy, romantic song - smething I would have hated if he'd written it for me. He wrote a song for me. It was classic country verging on hoe-down. For a totally unknown reason, I felt miffed. Why hadn't he written a sloppy love song, that was his kind of stuff, sloppy old romantic him. After a little thought of course, I realised that he'd written a song I would like. He'd written it for me, and he valued me differently from how he had valued her.

It sounds like it felt like a real moment and he wanted to avoided showmanship this time round.

I feel sorry for your dp tbh
Honestly I do think it's very childish and petty to be moaning about the way he proposed, I mean this man loves you that much he wants to spend the rest of his life with you for crying out loud.

The proposal really doesn't count for a lot, even if he proposed on a boat in Paris with singing angles and a harp no guarantee you'll even make it down the isle

DP proposed to me whilst I washing vomit out of his hair. Seriously, it doesn't matter.

Mind you, we're finally getting married this year after 20-odd years but that's not the point. I hate huge public proposals because it always feels like they're compensating for something.

Jux that's really lovely, you should listen to this op

I really, really don't understand why people are so preoccupied with how the proposal happened.

DH brought up the idea in a text message and then we discussed it. Think we'd been together two weeks by then? (Friends for years previously).

No hearts and roses there! Mind he's only ever bought me flowers once, and that's when I asked him to...

Married 10 years, together 14.

I understand how you feel on all counts! My DP proposed while I was watching TV one evening. I was disappointed, especially as he told me he had something else planned, but couldn't make it work so he just binned the whole idea! It really didn't bother me for long, and I didn't tell him, because I love him and didn't want to make him feel bad.

As for the whole ex thing....stop comparing! And stop it now! I've tied myself in knots doing it and it gets you absolutely nowhere. Was her proposal better? Was their wedding better? Why did he want to have a big wedding with her and a small one with me? I still do it occasionally, but I remind myself that we're together. He wants to be with me. We're happy.

So don't dwell on your feelings about the proposal or your thoughts on the ex, just be happy and in love ❤️

I think it's because there's SUCH a big contrast between the two proposals, effort-wise.

And that's probably because he's putting clear water between his previous mistake and his forever after.

Do you feel like she's "the one who got away" for him? Do you think he is settling for you and would rather have her? Because honestly I think that sounds very unlikely.

He's grown up and worked out what a relationship ought to look like, and that image for him has your face in it.

Honestly I'm all gooey and 💑💏👰🍷💍💒💐

I kind of get how you feel I did have a pang like that when dh and I were planning our wedding his first wedding was much grander than ours but I gave myself a shake and we planned and had an amazing day.
The reality is his first proposal he took her out to a posh restaurant and they had an extravagant wedding.
My proposal was done on the couch and our wedding much less expensive. The difference being that with his first wife he felt under pressure to do those things. She was far more demanding and had far higher expectations. I never wanted a big flash gesture or half the extra knick knacks that were important to his ex wife at their wedding. I love that he just looked at me one afternoon and decided that was the moment to propose . I love that his and my own family pulled their talents together to make so many things for our wedding. The fact is that it didn't matter how much effort and money he threw at his first wedding/proposal it never made their marriage any better and they split up. All that stuff never made a marriage it's the people that are in the marriage that do that and I know dh loves me and I love him and at the end of the day those events are a distant memory now and there have been many more romantic gestures and things that matter much more than that one moment that have happened in our lives since.

All that stuff never made a marriage it's the people that are in the marriage that do that

EXACTLY THIS.

I would actually hate one of those huge fuss proposals. DH just said to me one day that he thinks we should get married and what did I think...he got a ring a week or so later.

I understand you feeling disappointed BUT...you shouldn't really be dwelling on what he did with his ex. Maybe he thought she was the kind of person who would say no without a $$$ ring and flashy attention seeking proposal?

Anyway, congratulations on the engagement

Jam donut you sound lovely. Your husband must be very lucky.
I am neither a showy or overly romantic person. My DH proposed while I was making him a cuppa of tea after he'd been out for an evening with his friends. He said to me he had to come home early (he'd only been out 1.5 hours) as he was bursting to ask me. I love my proposal as it was perfectly us - no fuss just the right words! Happily married 14 years later.

That's a lot better than when my dad proposed to my mum. He phoned her up and just said they been together a while they probably should get engaged. 30 years, 2 kids and 2 grandkids later they're still together. How my mum hasn't killed him yet I dunno lol

I can imagine how it's playing on your mind comparing your proposal to his ex. I also understand your disappointment if being asked in front of the family and not in private.

You have only two choices. 1. Try and accept it and move forward or tell him.

You know what, I was disappointed with my boyfriend's proposal (in the middle of a gastro pub-everyone clapped, not me at all!) He could tell I was a bit sad about it and he asked me to say no. Then, the next day he did it again in a lovely way that suited me more. It doesn't matter at the end of the day but I think it does matter in the moment. Can you talk to him about it? I'm not suggesting you say no, but a private, romantic celebration might make you feel better

So you want a proposal more like the one that ended up not working out at all and ended in failure? It failed for a reason. Why on earth would you want something at all similar to something so intimate with his past partner??

OP step back and think about this. You are the one drawing comparisons with the ex. You need to get a hold of your feelings here. The only question is do you love him and want to marry him? If the answer is yes all else is utterly, utterly irrelevant.

You mean you didn't get a flashmob

DH and I had discussed marriage and knew that was where we were headed. He proposed during sex

He most definitely didn't ask my father! I would have said no! DH wasn't buying a bag of spuds!

Sounds to me like he thought about how your family are important to you, and decided to keep it a nice, family affair - which I think is lovely. I cringe at the flashy, public proposals Count yourself lucky though....if you were ready to go out, I'm assuming you had brushed your hair, washed your face, had a nice outfit on? When my DH "proposed" to me, I was in the middle of a horrendous sickness bug and had vomit in my hair

Don't feel bad for feeling disappointed, myself and my partner have both been married before and I know he did the whole big trip and extravagant proposal, when we were first dating, i told him I don't want to get married again, since then I feel like I'm changing my mind and I worry that if we did it would never live up to what he did before with her.

Try not to compare, she may have just been way more high maintenance than you which is really just a PITA and recipe for disaster (obvs) as they didn't get married.

I think you should try and organise a weekend away, maybe spend some time speculating about the kind of wedding you guys might have and raise the excitement a bit, you can have your moment then.

I think it's cute he did it with your family there! It's kind of like he's marrying 'into' your family, so to speak. Yabu.

My partner proposed when we were stood outside a friend's Christmas party while we were hugging each other for warmth. We'd only been together for 3 months, he broke the silence as we watched the snow falling around us and the lights twinkling in the background with,
"Fuck it, shall we do it? Shall we just get married?"
I've never been in a more loving, trustworthy and fulfilling relationship, the way he proposed didn't matter to me. Prior to my relationship with him, I had been in a relationship for 12 years and my ex did a big flashy proposal. He was cheating on me at the time.

I can see why you'd feel disheartened when he made a big deal for his ex but perhaps she was all about the perfect Instagram life and he wanted to make sure he lived upto her expectations. Perhaps he thinks you love him enough not to care about all that and will realise the sentiment underneath.

Hi everyone - thank you for all the responses, it has been really interesting to read all our opinions. I agree with the "the relationship matters, not the proposal" sentiment, which is why I'm determined to put it behind me and move on.

I do think part of the issue might have been the expectation that was created. When we talked about getting married, he said that he wanted to propose to me properly and hinted that he was making plans . . . I patiently waited for four months, happy and excited, thinking he must be planning something really thoughtful and creative . . . so it threw me a bit that there was no real planning or creativity around what actually happened! And no, we weren't dressed up at the time, it all felt a bit off and strange.

And I don't think his previous proposal was anything to do with his ex being high-maintenance or fulfilling her flashy instagram expectations - she seems like a nice enough girl, I think he just really loved her and wanted to make it special for her. So I would have liked an element of that, albeit in a different way. Definitely not a flash mob, just something intimate and meaningful.

I am starting to wonder if there's a bit of a pattern though - for Christmas he gave me a card promising a romantic weekend away (I'm still waiting, I've asked him can we book it a couple of times but he's a bit non-committal) and the other night he asked me if I was going to be "contactable" at work the next day. I said yes, why, and he was all mysterious and smiley . . . but nothing happened. So I asked him last night what that was all about and he kind-of dismissed it and said "oh nothing, sorry, didn't have time . . . " . . . so I have no idea what it was all about.

Good intentions, poor execution, maybe . . . but I feel sad. I'm such a bloody romantic and I'd like to be spoiled very occasionally. He knows this, because I believe it's unfair to make our partners guess about what makes us happy. And I work bloody hard, contribute a lot more financially, I spoil him regularly . . . it would have been nice to be treated at the one point in your life where it's traditional that the man makes a bit of a gesture . . .

Nope, really don't think I'm BU :-)

He sounds like my ex with the hinting of something amazing to happen and it never actually happening. If he gave you the idea that it would be a big romantic thing then I don't think you are being unreasonable to have expected that. He shouldn't get your hopes up one minute and then quash them the next.