What would you think if a visiting child said these things?

[JonesyAndTheSalad]

DD is 9, a boy she knows from school recently moved to our street so today, DD called for him and his Mum let him come over for an hour.

They were happy playing but over the time he was here, he said

"It's really messy here too"

About the sitting room...it isn't really messy. There is a pile of DD's colouring things placed neatly on the floor to one side.

He mentioned it in relation to DD's bedroom which by the way is perfectly tidy. Nothing on the floor at all.

He then said to me, "I think you should move the settee over there...and put the TV there"

Thanks for the advice son but a tv doesn't do well directly over an open fireplace. and his idea for sofa placement was to maroon it in the middle of the small room. Maybe he's the next big thing in interior design?

I just nodded and tried to seem interested.

He then went on to say

"What's that on your face?"

I have a birthmark a red scar on my cheek. Not huge...but shouldn't a 9 year old know not to ask things like that? Or to comment on other people's houses in such a way?

Hmm ds is coming 9 - he has adhd buy not obvious when taking medication. Sounds like something he would say tbh

Colditz she's been single since before she had him...his Dad's never been part of his life she told me.

Slippery I know...I was taken aback I suppose. I'm used to DD"s friends being quite mature...I honestly thought all that awkwardness of having kids round who were badly behaved in some way was over!

When her mates come usually, I never see them! They appear for food and that's all. This little lad...he plays with her quite nicely...but he did keep wanting to come indoors which I suppose is another thing I'm not used to.

We live in Australia and it's very mild here at the moment, we have a large garden with animals and a den and all kinds of interesting things to climb.

He did enjoy his interior design stint though!

I may get flamed here but I am going to say it anyway, he is quite able at that age to understand that you find what he is saying rude and hurtful. There are lots of adults who should of been told to apply filters to what they are saying. You are the adult its your house.

OP, as I tried to explain to your earlier, my Aspie son would do this. It's very difficult, my eldest child is neurotypical. You don't know if this child has an issues, or at least it doesn't appear that you don't. I am not saying it's OK at all, I have had my fair share of hugely embarrassing situations. I'd speak to his mother, I have been spoken to by other parents in the past, I appreciate it, it helps me offer guidance.

should of

I may get flamed here but I am going to say it anyway, it's should have.

Could he have mild undiagnosed Aspergers that leads to him saying whatever comes into his head.
Did you tell him it's rude to comment on someone else's appearance? I would pick him up on comments such as that in a friendly no aggressive way -- we don't ask questions like that, we don't try to reorganise other people's houses or comment on their decor. You will be doing him a favour.

My ds has autism, so do all of his friends. I'm used to 'odd' comments and conversations!

My DH has a friend like this. I just say say in a friendly was: 'it's not very polite to point out people's mess/things about their appearance' I the same way I would to my five year old. That way, if he's doing it to be rude, hes not getting a reaction and if he's just ignorant he will hopefully learn to stop eventually. The mother of my DS's friend is extremely blunt/rude but not in a malicious way (she has slso told me my house is messy!) so I guess he gets it from her.

I have always found it excruciating to discipline other people's children. I know you always read about it here on MN..."you should have told them that was naughty" etc etc.

But when it comes down to it, I am afraid I'll make the little buggers cry or something!

I've spoken sternly to DD and her friend when they wouldn't shut up during a sleepover and the child looked at me like I'd told her to fuck off!

I didn't shout...just said something like "This is enough! You're both being quite selfish and silly keeping everyone in the house awake!"

So not an EVIL speech or anything. Was it?

Oh dear. Reading this is making me realise I had better watch what I'm teaching DD. I spend so much time trying to get her to see the mess she's made, in order to get her to clean it up, that it hasn't even occurred to me to teach her it's rude to comment on messes in general (ones you didn't make). At least I've got a few more years until she's 9 and will be judged as that age...

Murmuration well that's quite a specific thing to try and teach. I think it's best to teach them not to pass comment negatively on people's looks or belongings including their homes.

And that teaching begins quite early in my opinion. 4 or so.

Regarding the furniture arranging advice: He's 9. They are the font of all wisdom at that age IMO. Usually the pressure of SAT's and possibly 11-plus or similar tests brings their self-confidence down to somewhere in line with their abilities in the next year or so.

As for his ....ermm.. direct comments about your birthmark and messy room, I'd have been inclined to tell him it's embarrassing, upsetting and a bit rude to comment.

Although how would she know it's a negative, if I'm always hounding her to notice it? That's what I'm realising. I'm not trying to get her notice a negative thing about the house, just that a mess exists, and because the mess is due to her things, it's her job to pick it up. So far we've gotten to maybe sometime noticing the mess. "It sure is messy here!" with a big smile, about 50% of the time. Still working on the cleaning - she actually takes action maybe 20% of the time she notices. But she definitely does not class it as a negative (she seems to like it, but knows I don't); just a state of affairs. So I don't see that she would put into the negative category at somebody else's. Still quite young, though, so maybe understanding of mess being a negative will develop...

My friend's stepdaughter used to come out with comments like that when she was that age, "your house is so small..." I used to quite dislike her, but she's turned into a lovely, polite, friendly teenager nowadays.